how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

drunky mcpukey man

So last night I finish my 3-11 and I’m chilling in the lobby talking to NA while I wait for my husband to pick me up when a car rolls up and my NA and I look at each other and go “be an uber, be an uber” because hey it’s 11 and we’re sold out and everyone was already in house.

Be careful what you wish for.

The Uber driver gets out and she’s a small college girl and I see her go around to the back and start trying to rouse a lump in the back seat. I look at NA and I’m like “This is going to be a problem.”

Girl finally gets dude in the back out and he immediately starts stumbling like he’s got vertigo and when I see him start to go down I just ran outside. Luckily he landed on his hands and was only spitting on my driveway. I tell the driver that I work at the hotel and will take care of him from there.

Drunky bounces back up and starts stumbling around and almost hits the dirt again and I catch him. I’m 5’2″ and 115 pounds and this dude is old enough to be someone’s dad and is around 6’4″. I start trying to guide him towards the lobby to sit down while trying to see if he can remember what room he’s in when he takes off running again and starts throwing up in our flowerbed.

He finally empties himself out and sits down on the curb but he’s starting to fall over. So I open the side door to our lobby and yell for my partner to come out and help me because if this guy passes out on the sidewalk I’m not going to be able to wake this dude again by myself.

We get a last name out of Drunky and I ran in and looked up the last name and call that room.

Me: Hello Mrs McGuest this is the hotel front desk, are you missing any one from your party?

Guest: Well no

Me: Oh I apologize then, there is a gentleman in our lobby who claims to belong to you and…

Guest: Oh for fucks sake is Drunky down there wasted in the lobby again?

Me: He’s definitely in need of assistance.

Guest: Oh goddamnit. Okay I’ll send Bob down to get him.

I went outside and told Mr Drunky I’d be standing with him until his friend arrived and after a bit, Bob showed up to get his friend up to their room and thanked me for watching his friend and not calling the cops.

As I was walking off to get in the truck and go home as my husband had been waiting for 20 minutes for me to go home, I hear Bob say “Jesus Christ Drunky I just left you three hours ago and you were fine.”

Drunky: Fuck you man 3 hours iz alzzotof shotzzzzz

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

Rich dude/cheap dude

So last night started off pretty tame for a Friday night. I was doing a 3-11 and most of my interactions had to do with this Corvette club staying with us. I had an inordinate amount of people wanting to see a room before they rented it and I assumed it was due to the rates but whatever.

I even found out that the guy in 2XX and his mother in 2X1 finally left after living with us for two months. Don’t worry though we have another kook in 22X and 21X with his wife, daughter, epilepsy dog and no shit a big ass cage full of birds and he’s been with us for two weeks with no sign of leaving.

But none of those people compared to The Rich Man, who pulled up right in front of my front door in a Porsche Cayanne. He comes in, in golf clothes and a hat from a very nice resort that shares it’s name with a famous snack cracker and the character on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire.

He’s a walk in and he wants a room and he wants it for a good rate because he’s a superbutthole elite turd level member.

I run over what room types we have and pull up his membership.

He’s bargain basement level member but hey he must belong to so many rewards programs he forgot so I’ll help a dude out.

Me: Well sir, we’re sold out of our king rooms aside from our deluxe rooms, but I’d be happy to give you a deluxe room for the 3A regular king price.

RD: And that’s the best you can do? I’m a super diamond butthole member and that price is still high.

Me: Yes sir but it is a holiday weekend and those are the rates.That is the best rate.

RD: Fine we’ll take it.

And I give them one of my favorite DK’s and send them on their way.

He comes back awhile later and steps in front of another customer that I’m currently helping and starts in again.

RD: That room is out in the middle of nowhere, is that really the best rate you can give me for that room?

Me: Sir I’m currently assisting this guest, but to answer your question, yes.

So I return to helping my other guest and he stands there tapping his foot like I’m going to suddenly give him a better rate when at this point I just want to raise his rate.

After I give the other guest their keys and wish them a good night, Rich Dude starts up again.

RD: If you can’t give me a better rate, I need more towels. Go get them for me.

Without breaking eye contact I just reach over for my walkie talkie and call my houseman and ask him to take towels to this room, since I know he’s up there anyway. Rich Dude threw up his hands and walked away.

Bitch I’m not going to leave my desk to personally get you some towels, go take your sourpuss cheap ass back up to your room. Maybe I put you in the middle of nowhere because I don’t want to see your bitchy face for the rest of the night. Be gone.

la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

the stay from hell

So over the weekend I went on a trip to another part of my state and stayed in what is supposed to be a 4 star hotels. Like they’re supposed to be better than the Hotels I’ve worked in and stayed at.

It wasn’t even close.

Check in time at this hotel is 3pm and we arrived at 6:30pm to tell me that they had extended a flight crews stay time because their flight plans had changed. Oh okay. No problem I smile and say lets do the paper work and we’ll figure something out to kill some time.

Person at the desk offers us a voucher for dinner and two drinks from the bar and I was like “Super cool! Let’s do that, thank you!” and because I was happy with this compromise, they threw in our parking too. (I was actually kinda like “wut” about having to pay to park because this was just a regular old lot, no valet, which we never use anyway but the other 4 star we stayed at similar to this one didn’t charge for parking, okay whatever, not a big deal)

We go to the bar and it takes us the hour or so they told us it would take to get a clean room to even get our food and drinks. And the food voucher doesn’t go very far, like you know hotel food is expensive but that’s okay! We’ll have a room soon and can go out for a proper meal.

We finish eating. It is now 1 1/2 hours after our arrival, which was 2 1/2 hours after check in time. I go back to the counter to see what was going on because my husband really didn’t want to order anymore drinks. We are told it will be another 30 minutes.

By a little after 9pm we finally get a room. And it’s got to be the most ridiculous room I’ve ever seen. Like I’m pretty sure it used to be an ADA but there is no way anyone with a wheel chair can get in here. There is a HUGE armoire instead of a regular closet, a king bed, huge table that the tv was on, the mini fridge, an ottoman and then this massive desk and a lounge chair and additional ottoman. Like this was just the room they threw furniture at. We had two towels and the toilet paper rack was already broken when we arrived. The shower was wet inside (I assumed from cleaning) and the detachable showerhead was bent.

My husband pulled back the covers on the bed and it was full of long black hair. I counted about 15 before I gave up. I have short brown hair, my husband shaves his head. We’d also been in the room for about 4 minutes.

I let them know about the toilet paper thing because I didn’t want to get charged for it and the hair. The guy at the desk dutifully handed me some complimentary breakfast tickets and said there wasn’t anyone to clean my room further and that “maybe” someone would come in and fix the toilet paper dispenser that night.

My husband and I go out to get drinks else where and when we got back there were suddenly two toilet paper dispensers in our room, meaning it was even more broken than I had thought.

My friend who was also staying with us arrived late in the night. I should point out that I did request a 2q bed but you all know what it’s like traveling as an employee sometimes. We would make due, I didn’t even bother asking for a rollaway because seriously we would have died in a fire in this overly furnished room that was clearly made to be a single Q room or a real life storage closet. Like nothing matched or made sense. We were all so tired we put the DND up and passed out.

So at 8am housekeeping is banging on our door even though there is a sign up. And trying to get into my room which I put the bolt on. I got up and let housekeeper number one know we’d be staying the night and would like stayover service but LATER. Around this time my friend gets up to use the bathroom and both toilet paper dispensers fall off the wall again. Like she was just pulled slightly to blow her nose since we weren’t given kleenex either and bam both of them go in the floor. She also notices around this time there is also a faded blood stain on her pillow and snot on another one. And oh look two lottery scratchers in the bed.

So when we go down to breakfast I made the very reasonable request to be moved or at very least have some of the charges reduced. I was told we couldn’t be moved and I shrugged and said okay and then the FDA said “And I never discount employees. Ever.” Okay cool.

While we’re eating breakfast she comes over and grabs me by the shoulder to get my attention and says “I miiiiiiiiight be able to move you. Come back after 2pm.” Which seems like she was being nice but touching me was inappropriate. I’d never touch a guest but that’s just me.

Around 3 we got back from all our various running around and I went to inquire about the other room being available because we needed to start getting ready for the thing we were in town for. Nope no room move. Desk clerk who had no knowledge that their 7-3 had offered to move my room dutifully offers us two drink tickets. Our room had also still not been cleaned.

We go out to the show and come back and at some point my husband was already upstairs in bed when I went out with my friend so she could smoke a cigarette and we could visit with another friend who was staying in another room. The security guard hung out with us while he was trying to keep an eye on these crazy German women trying to open a bottle of wine with a boot. My friend wanted to stay up later so I went in to get another key so I could go to bed. Turns out I got my new key from the manager. He asked how my stay was and I told him and he was like “Oh my god you had me at the 9pm check in, I’m comping you a nights stay.” And we chatted for a bit and I went to bed.

In the morning house keeping tried again to barge into our room 4 more times. Also the day before maitenance had come into our room while my friend was napping and didn’t even knock first. My friend and my husband were so fed up that they actually looked under the mattress. We had bed bug shells under the mattress, more lottery tickets and silverfish and more bed bug shells behind the headboard.

I still cleaned up the room, stripped the bed, made it as easy as possible for housekeeping to clean our room but when we went to check out the clerk pulled up my folio and was going to charge me for the room the manager said to comp and my friend pulled out the photo of the bug shells and our room got comped. He also made a big deal about taking our room keys back at check out, everyone knows they don’t give a shit if you walk off with a room key.

It’s really disheartening to see a hotel like this one with such bad service. I probably would have just let it go but my husband and my friend are not employees. Just me. And I was completely nice to every one we encountered. The only thing we didn’t do that we normally do is leave a tip for housekeeping or a nice note.

I appreciated the comps for drinks. We tipped everyone at breakfast and at the bar. I said please and thank you to everyone who worked there including the woman who grabbed me. We weren’t loud or unruly. We didn’t lie about how many people were in the room.

At some point this had to have been a nice hotel but wow.

Honestly the best thing I can do is appreciate that I work with a staff that has better people skills and a housekeeping crew that cleans the damn rooms, and not fill out an Amelia Bedilia which is normally the first thing I do when I get home.

people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

desk to desk, heart to heart

I am a bad FDA. I forgot to call the desk at the hotel we’re staying at tonight until this morning.

Back story, I have a segmented reservation. I didn’t intend to go to my destination until tomorrow but then I realized I could get a room at my rate tonight to reduce some traveling stress for my husband so we have two reservations.

I called down to 4 star Airport Hotel this morning and got a lovely lady we’ll call Cathy on the phone.

Cathy: Thank You for calling 4 Star Airport Hotel!

Me: Hi Cathy are you the desk at the hotel or central reservations because I am super stupid and forgot to call until today to give a heads up about my reservation.

Cathy cracks up already and assures me she is at the desk in 4 Star Airport Hotel. I have always liked the people at 4 Star Airport Hotels which is why I always stay at them when I travel.

Me: So I have a segmented reservation and I just wanted to let you know we can stay in the same room both nights if its possible, if not move us. We’ll stay in the handicapped room, the one with a view of a wall, next to the elevator, we absolutely don’t care, put us in the broom closet.

By this time Cathy is laughing too hard and then says “Don’t tempt me I’ve always wanted to throw a roll away into the closet and tell people it’s a room.”

And now I’m laughing my ass off and also apologizing for not calling sooner and of course letting her know we won’t be early and that we actually do not care which room we get.

Cathy says quite seriously “No seriously thank you for giving us a call. I see your two reservations here and I’ll do my best not to put you somewhere shitty. OOps. wait I shouldn’t have said that but you sound like one of us.”

Me: I am. And I hope I get to meet you this weekend. Thanks lady.

There you go. A happy tale from the desk.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

invisible service dog

Tonight on tales from bizarro world:

Guest checks in that wants a ADA room, meaning she wants a handicapped room. She wants one with a bathtub. We don’t have one of those. The bathtub is a must, so I ask her if she has a dog, thinking I’ll just upgrade her into a Deluxe room.

She has a “service dog” and proceeds to berate me for even asking her and tells me she legally doesn’t even have to disclose her dog and its discriminatory not to allow a service dog into any kind of room and I explained we keep nine rooms completely animal dander free for guests who also have the “disability” of being allergic to pets.

It gets better.

She refused to stay in any part of the hotel that wasn’t the main building, didn’t have an odd numbered room because she couldn’t look over the pool because…. SHE’S ALLERGIC TO CHEMICAL SMELLS.

Funny thing about her “service animal” She left it in the car to check in. Actually I haven’t seen this “hypoallergenic service dog” once since she came. No disrespect to my friends with Emotional Support Animals, but ESA dogs are not covered by ADA compliance for hotels in California. We’re pet friendly and if you’re not a dick most of the time I’ll waive the pet fee for them but you have to adhere to the pet rules which I know this broad isn’t going to do since I’ve yet to even see the dog. 1 bark and she’s getting charged. I don’t have time for this shit tonight.

how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

why do I answer the phone?

phone: So this is going to be a strange question…

Me: Sir, I assure you there are no strange questions, how can we help you tonight?

phone: Do you rent rooms by the hour?

Me: No we do not.

phone: what if it’s two hours?

Me: Sir, if you want a room for tonight you will have to pay for the entire night, I do not care how many hours you occupy the space.

phone: How much is the room then tonight? I get a discount right?

Me: It’s 158.99 plus tax?

Phone: for two hours?

Me: again Sir I have zero interest in how many hours you are going to occupy the room. Our standard rack rate tonight is 158.99 with an additional authorization of 275.00 if you are a local.

Phone: oh uhhhh damn do you know any hotels that rent by the hour?

Me: I absolutely do not, bye bye now.

In one hour I am off for four days.

how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

the one where someone actually apologized to me

So yesterday I had a former guest call asking about a bill. I looked up the folio while this man told me his life story on the phone. I guess he stayed with us a few weeks ago for 9 days.

First of all with our rates, that’s your first mistake, we’re not cheap. But when I found his bill and he was getting more and more distressed and just getting ruder by the moment. I’ll be me and he’ll be Bill Guy.

Bill Guy: So I have a charge for 859.00 and then another charge for 101.00 and we checked out the night of the 17th!

Me: Okay well if you check out after 1pm, that’s still a full day and you’re telling me you came down to the desk and checked out at 9pm.

BG: Yes but we didn’t leave for our flight until 4am.

Me:0_o Okay so if you stay past 1pm it’s a new day.

BG: but we checked out at 9pm

Me: and yes that would still be after 1pm

BG: I didn’t spend the night on the 17th, we left at 4am.

You ever have one of those days when you’re just not playing with these people anymore?

Me: Sir, you clearly are not understanding me. You were given a bill for your room if you had left the minute you came to the desk with the instructions to LET US KNOW when you were actually departing the room. By staying until 4am and never actually checking out you technically stayed on the date you don’t feel you should pay for, so since you are not listening to me, I am going to transfer you to my general manager and allow them to explain hotel policies to you.


I wrote out a note for my GM who was in the lobby talking to someone.

She came over to me before going to her office and I told her what had happened and in the middle of explaining this idiocy to her the guy called back and asked for me.

BG: You know I just looked at the bill again and was thinkin’ about what you said and I see that I am just confused and wrong. I’m sorry young lady I was being a cuss and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.

Me: blink blink blink: Oh sir don’t even worry about it, I’m glad you were able to resolve the issue, if you’d still like to speak to my manager she is right here..

BG: Oh no not necessary. Please have her disregard the voicemail I left.

Me: Sure thing sir, have a lovely day we look forward to seeing you again soon.