la la la lobby time

can you just check out soon please

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We have this older gentleman staying with us and man he complains a lot. The other day at check in he didn’t like the location of the HK we put him in and insisted he knew we had another one closer to the desk WHEN HE MADE HIS RESERVATIONS THREE WEEKS AGO.

Great homeboy, we totally aren’t going to keep any room vacant for three weeks waiting for your precious ass to arrive. You got an HK in the main building pretty close to the elevator and if you’re mad that the lobby doesn’t have any rooms right next to it, you’re staying at the wrong hotel buddy. The lobby here might as well be the basement.

Old Man has various other complaints and they’re all stupid nitpicky things that most people wouldn’t care about. Some random noises or that today isn’t bacon day at the breakfast and of course the breakfast room is too far from his room.

Also his various old man friends keep stopping by to try to see him and he’s never here and if he is here he doesn’t answer his phone. My boss made the mistake of trying to call his cell phone and now we’re this old fuck’s messenger service.

The door on his room doesn’t open fast enough. It’s hard to open because he has a cane. Blah blah blah.

Tonight he comes by the desk to check on a message my boss had left on his cell phone and when he walks up to the desk he says “So here’s a little tip for you for looking out for me.”

What?

So he takes his balled up hand and puts it over the counter to hand me something. And I’m super surprised because this guy has been a huge pain in the ass and I was shocked he’d want to tip any of us.

He drops something in my hand and when I look down it’s a wadded up receipt and an empty pack of gum he wanted me to throw away behind the desk.

I can’t wait for him to check out.

how do you survive on your own · Uncategorized

hey who wants to call the cops?

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Okay if you’re reading this and you’re homeless let’s just start with this: I feel for you. I feel for the reasons you’ve landed in this situation and if it were up to me I would move heaven and earth to help you get back on your feet or cure you of addiction or remind you that being a tourist homeless person (it’s a thing, trust me) isn’t all that cool. This isn’t about all homeless people.

This is about The King of Hobo Mountain.

My current property is built on a hill and is up against a natural area that I’m actually unsure who is in charge of it. Apparently though we have a major homeless encampment installed in our backyard by the dog park. Numerous complaints have been made about the King of Hobo Mountain… you see he has a stick. This stick is pretty threatening to someone who paid 200 dollars to stay in my hotel only to walk outside and shit there’s this weird looking dude with a stick, shaking it in the parking lot. Apparently there is also Milk Crate Thief Guy and a bunch of other bandits living all Hobo Fabulous up there.

Personally? I could give a shit. You want to live up on our hill and sometimes drop by and use the bathroom, whatever. But I’m sort of in charge of giving a shit about everyone else who stays with us and everyone who works with me so I have to care.

And I double have to care when people are jacking our outdoor power outlets to charge their phones. Like legit, if you want to charge your phone and I’m working? I’ll take it inside and charge it and bring it back to you in an hour because I can’t have you sitting around in my lobby, but you can’t hang out like some kind of Hobo Gremlin in my outer hallways shaking a stick and hovering over an outlet. That’s a huge no. You can’t do that.

But what you REALLY can’t do if you’re planning to join Milk Crate Fuckhead and Stick Man Douche Head (seriously dude, it’s a stick, stop, I have bear spray in my pocket, don’t try me, I have no soul anymore and I don’t care,) you can not damage the property that you are not a guest of. You can not kick through a locked gate so you can get to another spot to charge your phone. You broke my gate, you scared my guest, my houseperson doesn’t want to be there by herself and I am apparently not allowed to chase you around anymore because someone thinks Captain Stickface will murder me or carry me off into the hills to be his hobo bride so now I have to call the fucking cops.

I hate calling the cops. I’d rather do my taxes. But when I see your hobo ass and your stick or even hear you I have to call the cops. It’s my least favorite thing because then I have to file a stupid incident report that sounds stupid when you read it back: Stupid asshole who lives on our mountain and talks to Elvis through an empty bean can busted our gate down, scared the guests and you won’t let me chase them anymore so I had to call the cops. Please chain up the gate, thank you drive through.

I’m supposed to be afraid because I work at night. Often times alone and I am a woman and I am not very big. (Don’t worry various people have reminded me of this and that I am not bullet proof nor do I have super powers, in the last 12 hours. I am forbidden from chasing the stick idiot and crate head.)

But here’s the thing… I am afraid.

Not for me. I could give a shit, if I screw up chasing a crazy person so badly that I get the bad end of the stick, it’s my time to go.

I’m scared for the 99 rooms full of people that it is MY JOB to protect. I am scared for my coworkers  who are often minors or older ladies at night. It’s MY JOB to protect these people and make them feel safe and I actually take that seriously. You can threaten me, curse me out, cuss out my brand name, threaten to call corporate, I don’t give a shit, but if you pose a threat to my guests or my coworkers, you had better hope the cops get there before I beat the shit out of you with a walkie talkie or the phone or a keyboard or a raccoon, whatever the hell is handy.

Don’t break our shit, don’t bother my guests. If you want something 9 times out of 10 I’ll go get it for you if you’re not a dick. Hungry? Great we have food. Want some coffee? Cool wait outside. Want to use the bathroom? I’ll probably let you. Need your phone charged? I have a rapid charger and if we’re not busy I’ll go do it for you and bring it back. I’m good like that.

But do not fuck with the front desk lady. And stop making me call the cops too, I hate that shit.

how do you survive on your own · personal

28 days later

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So today I come into work to find my coworker filling out an incident report about the horrible dog parents I haven’t even had time to tell you about when the phone rang and a guest called.

I have never heard anyone sound in more pain or so sick in my life. He wanted to change rooms and I asked why and he said “I seem to have messed the bed and I can’t stay in here. I’m sick. So sick.”

I figure dude has a hangover and maybe threw up in the bed. I find him a room across the hall from where he was staying and offer to bring him the keys. He asks for a few more minutes and he’ll let us know when we could go up.

When I get up there I open the new room first and turn the air on for him. When I’m hungover I like a cold dark room and I figured that’s what I was dealing with. When I knock on his door though I end up looking at someone straight from Night of the Living Dead.

And then there was the smell. I couldn’t tell what smelled worse the poop or the puke but this dude could barely walk. He grabbed the keys from me and said “and just move my stuff”

I felt bad for him so I opened the slider to the room and started moving his stuff while he just went into the room and passed out. I am so glad I grabbed gloves before I went up.

The smell was horrible.

I moved all of his things and asked him several times if he wanted me to call an ambulance or some one else to check on him. He says no.

I run downstairs, almost barf, wash my hands like three times and tell my manager what I saw. So we all go back up and examine the room. Puke all over the bathroom, blood, wet floor, shit in the bed, blood too.

We decide to try to talk to the guest again. Guest won’t answer the door. Guest won’t answer the phone so we used the master key to go back into the room and asked the guest again if he needed anything because now everyone (but me) is more concerned with the linens that are going to the incinerator than the guest. Guest again refuses medical help so we go downstairs to call a few other bosses to find out if we should call the ambulance anyway. This is not before moving two bottles of water to his bedside and uncapping them. We’re not doctors but we’re not monsters.

Our instructions were to check on him later in the day and if he hadn’t improved to call the hospital guest likes it or not. The guest kept saying he just had food poisoning and hey I’ve been sick before so whatever. I refuse medical attention all the time.

Later this evening I was rearranging the bookcase in the lobby when the guest walked in… Right as rain and very very embarrassed and very grateful to me and my co-workers for taking care of him.

“You saw me at my bloody worst and I was horrible to you ordering you around but I felt so awful.” he says

Me: We’ve all been sick sir, its my pleasure to help you out.

Him: I’m so fucking embarrassed you were all so kind.

Me: Sir I’m just glad to see you up and around, I’m just glad you feel better, can I do anything else for you? Do you need anything from the kitchen?

Him: I just really wanted to thank you for genuinely caring about my while I was ill. Really. You were the most kind. I won’t forget this.

I didn’t know what else to say so I gave him directions to the drug store and texted my boss to let him know that our zombie guest was fine.

Uncategorized

Public Service Annoucement

hotelcartelLeave a comment

So It does appear that a large portion of Santa Barbara county has fallen into the ocean and the 101 freeway north and south is closed for a few days. I can guide you north and sort of give you a choose your own adventure version of going south I’ve been doing this for my guests for the last couple of days so let my stupid So Cal ass help you.

 

SOUTH FROM 101-

So your ass’s best bet is just taking the I5 and then resorting to the other directions I am about to give you BUT if you are like me and some how always find yourself on the 101 too stuck in traffic to make a good decision here’s how we go around.

 

From the 101 CA North in the Ventura area you are going to want to take HWY 126 East towards Valenica/Magic Mnt/Santa Paula. Don’t trip, there are many places to stop.

At the junction at 126 East you are going to join in on Interstate 5 North. You will now go through the grapevine. Hopefully it is not snowing. Just pull over in Gorman if it is.

When you get to the bottom of the hill high five your passengers and decide….

 

Do I want to take the 166 West towards Taft/Maricopa/ Santa Maria? You can. What you could run into again is some weather stuff and if the weather is as bad as the news makes it to be, that could be dangerous. Cal Trans is currently warning against that at the moment because people unfamiliar with the road are causing huge accidents.

Or you can blast on up the I5 to the exit for HWY 46. It’s going to mention Lost Hills and Paso Robles. IF you have been in the car this long at this point, pick a truck stop and pee.

 

46 West from the I5 has done some dope construction. It’s bigger and wider and easier. Get up on there and haul ass.

 

When you reunite with the 101 it will be in Paso Robles. If you intend to go to SLO, go on the south off ramp. Take that about 30 miles and don’t trip.

 

Dive safe

la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

crazy cat banshee bitch lady

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I worked a back to back today. Off at 11 last night and in at 8 this morning. I figured it was going to be a shit show with a bunch of fire evacuees and the Big University Winter Graduation and a wedding. I was not prepared for what I ran into.

First thing this morning I find out is so many people were extending that we had already to decide we’re sold out. We thought this would fix everything. Nope.

1-Crazy Cat Banshee Bitch lady. She came down last night and expressed to me she was thinkingabout extending her stay. I’ll be me and she’ll be CCBB.

Me: Ma’am I do suggest if you think you are going to extend, at this point I would just go ahead and do it now, and if you decide to leave in the morning I can just readjust your stay, no charge. I’ll be here in the morning.

CCBB: I must discuss this with my family. I will get back to you.

If she had a Cruella DeVille cloak she would have swooped it. Off she goes to murder puppies and never to be seen again until…

This morning CCBB comes down asking for the extensions on HER rooms. These are HER ROOMS. Lady you never came back during my shift, at least two other people have been at the desk since I walked away last night.

CCBB: THIS IS A NATIONAL FUCKING DISASTER AND YOU GAVE AWAY MY FUCKING ROOMS?

(I wish the above was a paraphrase, it’s not, it’s in my incident report.)

Me: Ma’am I will do the best I can to take care of you but several other people have also asked to extend their stays and…

CCBB: MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE. FUCK THEM. EVICT THEM. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THEM. I’LL CALL YOUR CEO WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING MANAGER. HOW IRRESPONSIBLE ARE THEY TO BE OFF DURING A NATIONAL FUCKING DISASTER?

Me: Ma’am I’m doing the best I can please lower your voice and I will keep working on moving you…

CCBB: I WANT A FREE FUCKING ROOM. I REFUSE TO PAY FOR THIS. MY INSURANCE WILL REFUSE TOO. HOW DARE YOU KICK ME OUT.

Me: MA’AM! I haven’t kicked anyone out YET. Please lower your voice and allow me a few moments to work on your stay, I will do my best but I need you to calm down.

CCBB: FINE.

She slams down a bag and walks off to yell at someone else on her phone.

The bag she slammed down apparently had a passenger.

Bag: Meow?

As we labor over figuring where to put her three rooms without displacing her elderly mother Bag keeps meowing.

Bag: Meow?

Bag: MEOW?

Bag: MEEEOOOOOWWWWW?

Bag: shits

Great so I now have cat shit in my lobby and a crazy lady.

I honestly felt for her at first. I get it, her house is on fire. But no matter how much I fucking curse, you don’t do it in my lobby. Other guests complained and I kept telling my partner, that we should let them go.

But by the power of team work we got them into two more rooms somehow and afterwards, the phone rings. It’s CCBB DEMANDING I move her luggage. Me, personally.

I am a pineapple. I wear a crown, I stand tall, I am sweet on the inside

So I grab a luggage cart and go up to the 3rd floor to be intercepted by houseman and maintenance. Maintenance is a tough looking dude but he’s nicer than hell and we all love him. He takes the cart from me and goes to deal with CCBB. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting him. I don’t care.

In the midst of all this the caretaker for the elderly mother in the group comes down and ass for directions to a pharmacy and when she got back she stopped to thank me by name for understanding she was lost and also just being so gracious and nice through everything.

Nurse: You don’t know it darling but you have a gift at reading people and anticipating their needs and you are gracious even when people are hassling you. It might not seem like much to some people but you should be proud.

And this is the only time today I cried.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

diaper lady

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A very pregnant fire evacuee checked into the hotel this afternoon with her two other kids. At check in she mentioned she was due really soon and may cancel tomorrow night in order to be closer to her own doctor when she gives birth. Understandable and we tell her it’s not a problem and think we aren’t going to see her for the rest of the night.

Wrong. She comes back down a few minutes ago and says “So I think I’m cancelling tomorrow night for sure.” We tell her it’s still okay and she shuffles off and does the most bizarre thing I can think of. This was my train of thought as I saw it happen…

Please explain to me lady why when you have a perfectly good hotel room that you’re paying through the nose for, that you are changing your bare assed baby on one of my lobby chairs? It definitely wasn’t because the baby was fussy about their diaper. If I hadn’t given you THE LOOK, you would have thrown that diaper in my lobby trash can or just left it where you were changing your baby. There is a bathroom literally 10 steps from where you decided to pull your kids ass out. Or you know that room you have. Just a suggestion.

I’m not unsympathetic to pregnancy brain or fire brain or whatever but our lobby chairs can’t be the best place to whip our your kids ass and change them. Especially when the room is less than 100 feet away.

After wiping baby ass all over my lobby and almost leaving the diaper where people sit down to enjoy happy hour during the week she comes back to the desk and says “Do you have any prettier rooms?”

I don’t even know what means. She’s in a standard QQ and none of our rooms are total dogs. She has a total of two children, two adults and a baby thats renting space at Hotel De Uterus with her and we’re sold out due to the fires so the only fancier room would be too small for her since it only has one bed and honestly its the same goddamned room just with 1 king inside of it.

She then says she wants to cancel tonights room too which would have been possible like 6 hours ago when we still had housekeeping on staff. She’s free to leave but she’s still getting charged.

I realize a baby being changed on lobby furniture isn’t the end of the world but babies have these things called “blowouts” where they literally shit up their backs and how am I supposed to know this isn’t one of those situation when I see a woman dangling her baby by its feet to wipe it’s ass?

la la la lobby time · personal · Uncategorized

the roof the roof wait no the state is on fire

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So my state is on fire. We are outside of the currently burning zone but that can change at any moment. We have evacuees coming in left and right because…. we’re pet friendly.

Anyway the state is on fire and people are walking up or calling me wondering what would happen if they didn’t evacuate and once they realize someone on the other end of the phone cares about them, they calm down and listen to me.

I’m not that big of a bleeding heart but half of my fucking state is on fire and I have a pet friendly hotel list ready to go if we’re too expensive. You better believe I am hustling people into rooms as fast as I can.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t going to put this fucking fire out but I’ll be damned sure if you have to stay with me because your entire life is on fire? It’s gonna be stress free.

I can’t do much but I can at least try not to put you and your kitty by the ice machine.

la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

another tale from the other side of the desk

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So my husband’s company put us up in a swanky hotel for the staff holiday party. The hotel isn’t far from our house but it’s right on the ocean and I haven’t stayed here so I was excited.

All in all its a pretty nice spot. We did end up in the “cheap seats” with a two queen room on the ground floor and no view, but its amazing because we have 10 pillows. Nice towels. Wifi is pretty good. The pool is epic. The view is amazing. Valet was free. Banquet food was good.

I do find myself watching intently how people are checked in at these higher end places when they don’t know I work in a hotel as well.

Things a normal guest would have bothered them for that they didn’t mention

– how the wifi works. There is no code and it’s easy enough to get on, but I think of my guests and how I would have ended up needing to go to their rooms to show them or something because I neglected to mention there was no password.

-There was no mention of check out time. It wasn’t on the check in slip either. I had to ask the bartender while we were having a drink after the Christmas party. Also not posted in the room or lobby.

-The gal at the desk also didn’t really tell us about what’s offered here, which I’d be tarred and feathered if I didn’t up sell all the shining glories of our property. (There aren’t many, but what we have is an outstanding breakfast and glorious 12n check out time, a fitness center, heated pool, etc) There’s a full on spa here, a fire pit, room service, beach access, etc etc.

-The incidental charge wasn’t mentioned at all. It’s not like we gave a shit but I can just imagine how shocked travelers who come here on a gift card or coupon are when they aren’t told “hey we’re charging you 100 for incidentals.” This place is nice but it’s not beyond coupons nice. So if my incidentals guess is correct,replacing a stolen bathrobe here costs 78 dollars. Having had enough guests lose their shit on me over 10 dollars because I bankrupted them while they stayed on a gift card for a 300 dollar night, I mention this shit to people.

I also don’t know if the water in the room is included but we clearly don’t give a shit.

All in all is always an experience to see how someone else handles the desk. We all hate our jobs some days but I don’t know about you, I still try to put my best foot forward even though we’re supposedly less nice than this hotel.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · third party bookings

the three unwise men

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Yesterday we didn’t have anyone too crazy at the desk just some odd interactions with people that I am not sure should be allowed outside on their own. I dub them in the name of Holiday Cheer, the Three Unwise Men.

1-Mr Tinfoil Hat- This guy came to us from the midwest and he already had my “shithead” radar going the minute he walked in. I thought people from the midwest of the USA were supposed to be polite or at least fake polite but this guy came slamming in, slamming his shit down on the floor and counter and looks at my coworker and says “MY WIFE MADE MY RESERVATION YOU SHOULD HAVE IT”

No name. Didn’t even have his ID out. I would have just stared at him blinking like a cat until he supplied me the information. My coworker is nicer than me somehow and asked for his ID and credit card which of course was slammed down on the counter. I’m starting to twitch so I step over to help make the keys and try to get this guy to stop being so rude. I offered him a fresh (no shit 5 minutes old) baked cookie and instead of saying “no thank you” he said “No I didn’t ask for a cookie.”

Okayeee. So he’s filling out the check in slip and gets all butthurt that his address is on the check in slip. Or rather an address that he willingly gave us when he signed up for the rewards club and he no longer lives at. He started in on how all us hotels sell the data we collect and when I said “Sir we only have your address in the event you leave something at the hotel. That is the extent of the front desk’s interest in you address.” He decided then to tell me more about stolen identities or aliens or something. I stopped listening and only rejoined the shit show when he asked for a steak house. I pointed out that we are near two steak houses, one with animal heads on the wall and one that looks like if the inside of the pirates of the carribean was entirely pink, its actually pretty famous.

Tin Foil Hat Man looked at me and said “I saw that…. pink place on the way in and it looks like one of them places those funny men hang out in, no thank you.”

Sorry you hate comedians… wait… that’s not what you meant. Please go away now.

2-Stereotypical NorthState Hipster- I used to live in the city this guy was checking in from so I commented on it, because the street he lived on was really close to my old apartment. Don’t want to say this guy was high out of his mind but he was high out of his mind. He kept asking me questions over and over after I answered him. Keeping eye contact with him was impossible because he was fascinated by all the bright shiny shit in our lobby and then managed to lock himself out of his room in a record four minutes. As I was rekeying new keys to run over to him, he called and told me he figured out how to open the door finally so I had to explain that he still needed new keys now because he asked for new keys so the programming he had just used 30 seconds before didn’t work anymore. He said “Does that mean I need to go back into the hallway to wait?”

pokes self in the ear with a fork

3-The Major- I’m guessing this guest had social issues because he was just hovering really close to the counter where I was already helping a woman. She signed her slip and he was like at the counter next to her before I handed her the keys. Like he basically shoved her out of the way. Okaaayyye. The lady didn’t care she was just excited to go to the liquor store (I love geologists, all they want is a six pack of beer and their bed) so I didn’t say anything. The dude holds out his cards and I pull up his reservation to check him in and its a Third Party Reservation so I launch into the yes I see this is prepaid so we’ll only be running your card for inciden….

Major: I KNOW. I KNOW YOU HATE THIRD PARTY WEBSITES. I KNOW I WAS A HOSPITALITY MAJOR IN COLLEGE.

Me: Oh sir there is no difference to us as to who you make your reservation with, I was just explaining that our PMS system requires that we do an extra step in order to check you in…

Major: No I KNOW you treat third parties differently. I was a hospitality major.

Me: (then why the fuck did you book through them if you think we’re going to be shitheads to you for using one? You didn’t save any money because this week our rates are as good if not better than 3rd parties) Okay then sir here are your keys and let me grab you a map and show you where…

Major: WHERE IS THE BREAKFAST? THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A BREAKFAST ROOM.

Me: Sir that room is our lounge so anyway here is a map of our property and the breakfast room is directly behind you outside…

Major: YOU SAID THAT WASN’T THE BREAKFAST ROOM.

Me: Sir the breakfast room is directly behind you OUTSIDE of that door and to the left in the building next door. So the best way to get to your room is…

Major: I HAVE A PERFECT SENSE OF DIRECTION I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP FINDING MY ROOM. I MAJORED IN HOSPITALITY.

Me: So you told me. Congratulations. Have a wonderful stay with us and please don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything else. Thank you bye bye.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time

use your words

hotelcartelLeave a comment

So I’m working days this week which I kind of hate because I am NOT a morning person at all. But whatever, I’m here and dealing with the chorus of “where is breakfast at?” (Spoiler alert, it’s in the same place I told you yesterday when you checked in two hours before check out, you duckegg.)

Anyway it’s simply bizarre to me how some people check out of hotels. For one thing no one can seem to remember their room numbers ever when they hand me the keys that have long been stripped of their key jackets and have probably been in a toddlers mouth.

Me: And what room were we in?

Them: 147.

Me: We don’t have a room 147.

Them: uhhh

Let me just explain that our PMS runs better and faster if you just give me a room number and I don’t have to look up your last name and find the damn room number. When you give me the room number I will absolutely confirm with you that I am checking out the right last name guest and everyone can move on with their day a little faster.

But my favorite is the guest who just came in holding his keys in the key jacket out at me like a badge. It went like this.

Me: Good Morning How can I help you!

Guest: thrusting key package at me like I should just know what he wants.

Does he want to check out? Did his keys break? Did he find these in the parking lot? Is this an envelope full of government secrets? Use your words man, what are you handing me these keys for? Is it so hard to acknowledge that I said “good morning! how can I help you?” with the answer of “checking out.”

Me: So are we checking out this morning?

Guest: rolls eyes YESSS. Parker! (not his real name)

Me: Okay I can help you with that, was it room (what was written on the key packet)

Guest: Probably.

I pull up the room number and verify the last name and get him a receipt.

Guest: I don’t know why you even ask such stupid questions. Why else would I be coming to you in the morning. It’s not to chat so you can slack off.

Me: Okay sir, here’s your receipt, have a lovely rest of your day. Bye bye now.

Guest: (starts to say something)

Me: Thank you bye bye now!

Cue my huge smile and the wave.

GTFO. It’s too early for your shit buddy.