la la la lobby time · personal · Uncategorized

pineapples unite!

So I finally got to see a friend of mine who’s family stayed with us these past few days for a wedding. They were model wedding party guests and seriously if you knew my friend who manages the local bar I hang out at, you’d expect nothing less but despite knowing my friend for over 10 years, I haven’t had the opportunity to meet his out of state family members.

Anyway today is my day off and I got to go in to the bar and say hi to a few people and my friend was coming on shift when I was leaving and apparently the family had nothing but nice things to say about me and by god that makes me feel awesome because when they were checking in, I wasn’t sure that they were related and was already trying to go out of my way for them because they were just so darn nice. But I guess they noticed I was nice too?

I don’t know it’s better than a good Amelia Bedelia review. This friend of mine has seen me through some ugly shit and always offers to help me out with anything and the fact that I was able to provide his family with a comfortable and nice stay reminds me why working in this industry is awesome.


guest post · how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized


So hotel workers talk to each other and some times some of them are funnier than I am. This one took the cake.

For all you night auditors like me who just want some peace and quiet.

The check-ins are all processed,

No more credit cards left to sweep.

You should be cozy and warm in your beds by now.

Please go the fuck to sleep.


The windows are dark in the town, friend.

Even the local drunks have left without a peep.

I’ll get you some extra towels if you swear

You’ll go the fuck to sleep.


I understand you don’t have a reservation,

You’re on vacation for yet another week.

I know there’s not a better rate online. That’s Bullshit. Stop lying.

Pay for your fucking room, walk-in, and sleep.


The wind whispers softly through the town,

The stores have all closed on the street.

What’s that, you’re hungry RIGHT NOW?

Jesus Christ, it’s fucking 2am. Go to sleep.


All the day shift workers are in dreamland,

Their normal schedules make me weep,

Hell no, you can’t speak to a manager (yeah I know it’s daytime in China where you’re calling from).

You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.


The owls fly forth from the treetops.

Through the air, they soar and they sweep.

A hot crimson rage fills my heart, asshole.

I’m trying to watch Netflix, shut the fuck up and sleep.


The lobby is quiet and peaceful.

Or it would be, if the world was righteous and neat.

How come you can hike in the park for 8 hours today

But you can’t stay in your fucking room and sleep?


The automatic sprinklers gently putter

Watering the bushes in the courtyard the landscapers will reap.

No more questions, that shit is on our website.

Don’t call me again. Fucking sleep.


The auditor reclines in his shoddy chair,

A local homeless man digs through the trash like a creep.

Fuck you, your air conditioner works fine. There’s nothing to fix.

Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.


The flowers doze low in the meadows

And high on the mountains so steep.

My life is a failure, I hate myself and my job.

Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

Based on the children’s book of the same name by Adam Mansbach. Minor edits to fix rusty formatting issues.

This comes from Reddit User Pouncival_Gaming who is hilarious.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

don’t let the assholes get you down

We had another Special Snowflake weirdo that seems to think that if the trash can in his room is full he needs to get a new room or something.

He came down this morning and started in with my co-worker who is the nicest person in the world and whenever someone yells at him he just laughs. But you do NOT insult and or annoy my coworkers on my watch so I piped up to let this idiot know, hey there are two of us and while we value your business we’re not to be kicked around.

So box of crazy starts in on me, which hey I’m used to. Yell at me all you want, I seriously have no soul and it doesn’t bother me too much. What was he mad about?

He put the DND sign up before he went out the day before. He swears he took it down but when the DND sign is up my housekeeping staff won’t clean your room. You literally have to be on fire before we’ll go in your room with the DND sign up.

He starts in on me after I explain this to him about “how would you like it if I just put my food trash in the hallway then?” and honestly even though we hate that shit, we’d prefer it to listening to this shit at 7am.

From my time at one brand I just went into “Special SnowflakeMode” and offered him points. For some reason that doesn’t work where I work now so I tell him I can give him a discount of x amount.

He then tells me he’s going to check out early because someone didn’t empty his trash can. Okay. It gets better.

I’ll be me, he’ll be crazy guy.

Me:Sir I am prepared to give you 40 dollars off of your bill for the issues you have expressed, but if you would like to speak to a manager you will have to wait until 10am, as that is when my manager arrives.

CG: 40 dollars a night?

Me: No.

CG: well we are going to check out then and my wife is a member of the global world. she will ding you on the internet in a review. This is intolerable and you will not charge me for leaving early.

Full stop, I could and I should but I don’t do shit like that. I’m reasonable but when people are just asshats I want to charge the fuck out of them. Like I get it you think you’re getting shanked but do you burn your whole house down if your trash is full? No. Do you regularly sign contracts that you suddenly don’t feel like adhearing to? When it says you need to be with us for two nights on a weekend when we have a two night minimum, I am well within my rights to charge you if you’re leaving early, sorry. But I can. I won’t but I can.

Me: Sir I assure you that you will not receive a financial penalty for leaving us early. We are sorry that you are departing early but I understand. Would you like that discount or would you like to wait to speak to my manager?


Me: inwardly i seriously don’t give a shit what you do Okay sir. It’s bacon day at the breakfast, which is across the driveway to the left if you’d like to enjoy something to eat while you decide.

Cue to me just going fuck this and going into the back and leaving my coworker I was trying to rescue to watch the desk.

My boss comes in later and I’m trying to explain what happened with this guy before she sees him. I’d already talked to housekeeping who had also shown me that they had actually serviced his room according to the log. There were already notes in his reservation that said he wanted to leave early. Fine fuck it, leave early, I need that fucking room anyway and I don’t need you. It’s the weekend. I could have sold that room while you were ranting at the desk.

My boss goes on a walk around of the property and ends up running into this lunatic. My boss is NOT someone to fuck with. And his guy grabs her shoulder to talk to her. My head of Maint. was ready to jump in because he happened to be on the floor this all was happening on. Head of housekeeping came by because Maint sent something up on the radio.

My boss tells Crazy Guy that touching her at all is inappropriate and he says “Sorry Babe”

Somehow the conversation they’re having goes towards Trump and all this other bull shit including where I apparently WAS going to charge this fuck for leaving early. And how I’m a liar. (What?)

My boss has my back though and just wants this dude to leave so she says we’ll discount the bill. She also held fast to if I said it was a 40 dollar discount, that’s what it is, but she would have offered him 50 dollars off, but if her desk said 40 its 40.

Anyway this asshole comes down to check out and thankfully my boss was there because the guy tried to start shit with me again and then tried to start shit with her about me again even though they’d already gone over all of this.

I got sworn at again and he was amazingly aggressive for an old guy and also accused us of lying about the math on the folio. About the time we were thinking about calling the cops he blurts out I HAVE DEMENTIA!


We finally got his cheap ass out of there and I went home.

What the fuck? I seriously thought we were going to have to call the cops.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized

things I wish I could say part 2

Just the greatest hits from my facebook page over the last few days:

Lady just came in to check in to the hotel and was chewing some food and just threw her credit card at me and stared at me. What? Do you have a reservation? Do you want a room? What planet are you visiting from?

“how many rooms do you have?” We have 99 rooms… “so give me one” but you see all 99 rooms have people in them already…. that’s what I meant when I said we were sold out. *head desk*

“Why is the lobby bathroom out of order?”
Because one of you geniuses broke it.
“Why are there so many taxes on my bill? Are these for real?”
No I just made them all up to mess with you. Bye bye have a good day.

“Where is the breakfast?”
“Across the driveway and to the left.”
Repeat this interaction 99 times and you have an accurate picture of my morning. Happy Sunday.

Other greatest hits include “Can I have a late check out?” (No. Go home.)

“I want a discount my neighbor is showering” (No. Go home.)

“I can’t turn on the air conditioner.” (Try pushing the on switch, it works wonders.)

“Can I park here?” (No that is the absolute fucking middle of driveway you can not park there for two hours while you glare at us for your room not being ready four hours before CHECK -OUT. Go home.)

“This was too expensive, how am I supposed to get home?” (I don’t care, but go there, please I’m begging you to go to your homes and never leave again since your first outing into the world seems to have been so stressful for me you.

“Where is the Starbucks?” (Still across the street where I’ve told you it was every single day for the last three days. You’ve come back from there with Starbucks. It’s still over there. Like look see my Starbucks cup? I’ve just come from there and the same Starbucks I’ve sent you to for three fucking days is still operational.)

“Where is BIG FUCKING TOURIST ATTRACTION?” (I drew you a map yesterday and printed you directions and you’re holding an iPad and an iPhone and I helped you book your tour. It’s still exactly where I said literally five hours ago.)

“Where is the airport? I flew here, you know?” (Umm… that place you got out of a metal tube with the purest of intentions to drive me nuts? That’s the airport. You’ve just come from there. You don’t have a car, just order a car and have someone take you there, who cares where it is?)

Tomorrow is my Friday. Thank the lord.


la la la lobby time · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

On the other side of the desk

Yesterday I was HONORED GUEST of a hotel up in another city. Super dope suite, evening reception and no one calling me “hey you” or “fuck you,” which is apparently my other name.

After the concert we went to last night I ended up down in the lobby watching tv and just generally hanging out with night audit. I taught him how to turn off keys (he’d never heard of this before, that you can lock people out, what?) and then some assholes tried to come in and check in without a reservation without a credit card and tried to argue with him about it.

As any good former Brand Emissary would do I stood up and walked over to the desk while these dudes gave this nice NA shit and NA straight up looked them in the eye and said “You do realize that this is my manager? She’s off duty right now but she’s going to tell you the same thing I just did.”

And I said “That’s correct. Our hotel policy is that you must produce a credit card and an ID to check in. If you require to stay longer than 12 noon today, you will be paying for two nights. If this is unacceptable to you, David will help you find alternate lodging.”

Now mind you, I’d just left a punk show and had my nose ring in and my eyebrow ring in and huge door knocker earrings.

They believed me and VIOLA suddenly had a credit card and my new friend checked them in with no issue.

When they left, we high fived and I went to bed.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the brotherhood of the keys

this is monday

It’s Monday right? It’s Thursday for me but the rest of the world thinks it’s Monday so I should just be getting bus loads of Europeans (check!) Business travelers (check!) and some random old retired people with very specific needs (check!)

Nope. Not only did I get that I got two VERY SPECIAL guests joining me this evening.

First is Country Music SnowFlake. This woman drove over from another state to see a very big country artist who played here like last week. She didn’t really make plans and had been camping in her car (what?) for a couple of nights and wanted to get a room. She didn’t believe me that the Country SnowFlakeButthole room was the best that I could do but her sob story of what prompted this solo road trip was compelling and she really is a high tier Snowflake so I gave her a huge upgrade to what basically is our owners favorite room and charged her for a regular room. And then listened to her tell me about how her husband left her for a man and she just kept. talking.

I finally got her to go to her room after telling her all the ways we could help her stay a second night etc because all this sleeping in her car was getting expensive and I also wanted her to stop telling me about her personal life and asking me about mine and let me get back to work.

5 minutes before I left she called and complained to my coworker that she hated that room and wanted to move. You have to be kidding me. I even gave her late check out! And listened to her blah blah blah about her sad life for at least 20 minutes.

I honestly do feel bad for her because she seems like she’s having a manic episode and has gone batshit crazy but really all I’m here to do is sell rooms.

Second special guest comes with a supporting cast.

Earlier in the evening there were two older gentlemen checking in and here and there I caught that they were looking for someone and kept asking me if I had seen this “friend” of theirs who would have a small dog with him. I hadn’t. These people kept going in and out of the lobby and one of them came and asked me if I had a phone charger they could borrow and I said sure and lent them mine (it’s pink, I’m sure I’ll get it back) and talking about “clues” and “leads” as to where this friend of theirs was. As the night wore on it became clear they were looking for a family member to either put into rehab or they were turning him into the police for something.

The gentleman using my charger said he still needed it so I told him he could just drop it off at the desk when he checked out, I had more at home, it wasn’t a big deal. So they asked me to look up a couple of really shitty hotels in town to find out how far away they were etc. The last one was a real shithole but I gave them directions.

Suddenly a cab shows up and it’s this “friend” they were looking for. He comes barreling straight for me. Dude is spun the fuck out on something and is carrying the cutest dog I’ve ever seen in one hand and a bag of dog food in the other one.


Me: Um hello sir. Room 2XX is actually sitting right over there.

The man who had been waiting gets up and comes over and tries to calm SpunDude and takes off with him (and my phone charger) to pay the taxi and go to their room.

About 5-10 minutes later our phone rings and it’s Bob from the ShitBox Hotel I looked up earlier for these older gentleman who were waiting for SpunDude.

Bob: So just so you know there is a former guest of mine that I put in a cab to go to room 2XX at your hotel.

Me: Yeah I know he just got here, he’s with his family now I think.

Bob: Umm he’s into some serious shit with the Pineapple County Sheriffs. They came looking for him and are on the way to your place now.

Me: Oh dang. I mean I know what room he’s in but I haven’t heard a peep from them since I sent them upstairs.

Bob: Well I haven’t gone to see the room he was staying in here yet because I was just trying to get him out of here but I figured I’d give you a heads up. If he did damage anything, I’ll let you know and if he damages anything at your place can you have your boss email my boss or something. Dude is into some really bad shit.

Me: Sure man, no worries, have a good night.

When I left for the night there were four Pineapple City PD cars all surrounding another car in the parking lot next door to us. I don’t know if it had anything to do with SpunDude but it definitely wasn’t a normal Monday night at Casa De Pineapple.