la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

crazy cat banshee bitch lady

I worked a back to back today. Off at 11 last night and in at 8 this morning. I figured it was going to be a shit show with a bunch of fire evacuees and the Big University Winter Graduation and a wedding. I was not prepared for what I ran into.

First thing this morning I find out is so many people were extending that we had already to decide we’re sold out. We thought this would fix everything. Nope.

1-Crazy Cat Banshee Bitch lady. She came down last night and expressed to me she was thinkingabout extending her stay. I’ll be me and she’ll be CCBB.

Me: Ma’am I do suggest if you think you are going to extend, at this point I would just go ahead and do it now, and if you decide to leave in the morning I can just readjust your stay, no charge. I’ll be here in the morning.

CCBB: I must discuss this with my family. I will get back to you.

If she had a Cruella DeVille cloak she would have swooped it. Off she goes to murder puppies and never to be seen again until…

This morning CCBB comes down asking for the extensions on HER rooms. These are HER ROOMS. Lady you never came back during my shift, at least two other people have been at the desk since I walked away last night.

CCBB: THIS IS A NATIONAL FUCKING DISASTER AND YOU GAVE AWAY MY FUCKING ROOMS?

(I wish the above was a paraphrase, it’s not, it’s in my incident report.)

Me: Ma’am I will do the best I can to take care of you but several other people have also asked to extend their stays and…

CCBB: MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE. FUCK THEM. EVICT THEM. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THEM. I’LL CALL YOUR CEO WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING MANAGER. HOW IRRESPONSIBLE ARE THEY TO BE OFF DURING A NATIONAL FUCKING DISASTER?

Me: Ma’am I’m doing the best I can please lower your voice and I will keep working on moving you…

CCBB: I WANT A FREE FUCKING ROOM. I REFUSE TO PAY FOR THIS. MY INSURANCE WILL REFUSE TOO. HOW DARE YOU KICK ME OUT.

Me: MA’AM! I haven’t kicked anyone out YET. Please lower your voice and allow me a few moments to work on your stay, I will do my best but I need you to calm down.

CCBB: FINE.

She slams down a bag and walks off to yell at someone else on her phone.

The bag she slammed down apparently had a passenger.

Bag: Meow?

As we labor over figuring where to put her three rooms without displacing her elderly mother Bag keeps meowing.

Bag: Meow?

Bag: MEOW?

Bag: MEEEOOOOOWWWWW?

Bag: shits

Great so I now have cat shit in my lobby and a crazy lady.

I honestly felt for her at first. I get it, her house is on fire. But no matter how much I fucking curse, you don’t do it in my lobby. Other guests complained and I kept telling my partner, that we should let them go.

But by the power of team work we got them into two more rooms somehow and afterwards, the phone rings. It’s CCBB DEMANDING I move her luggage. Me, personally.

I am a pineapple. I wear a crown, I stand tall, I am sweet on the inside

So I grab a luggage cart and go up to the 3rd floor to be intercepted by houseman and maintenance. Maintenance is a tough looking dude but he’s nicer than hell and we all love him. He takes the cart from me and goes to deal with CCBB. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting him. I don’t care.

In the midst of all this the caretaker for the elderly mother in the group comes down and ass for directions to a pharmacy and when she got back she stopped to thank me by name for understanding she was lost and also just being so gracious and nice through everything.

Nurse: You don’t know it darling but you have a gift at reading people and anticipating their needs and you are gracious even when people are hassling you. It might not seem like much to some people but you should be proud.

And this is the only time today I cried.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

diaper lady

A very pregnant fire evacuee checked into the hotel this afternoon with her two other kids. At check in she mentioned she was due really soon and may cancel tomorrow night in order to be closer to her own doctor when she gives birth. Understandable and we tell her it’s not a problem and think we aren’t going to see her for the rest of the night.

Wrong. She comes back down a few minutes ago and says “So I think I’m cancelling tomorrow night for sure.” We tell her it’s still okay and she shuffles off and does the most bizarre thing I can think of. This was my train of thought as I saw it happen…

Please explain to me lady why when you have a perfectly good hotel room that you’re paying through the nose for, that you are changing your bare assed baby on one of my lobby chairs? It definitely wasn’t because the baby was fussy about their diaper. If I hadn’t given you THE LOOK, you would have thrown that diaper in my lobby trash can or just left it where you were changing your baby. There is a bathroom literally 10 steps from where you decided to pull your kids ass out. Or you know that room you have. Just a suggestion.

I’m not unsympathetic to pregnancy brain or fire brain or whatever but our lobby chairs can’t be the best place to whip our your kids ass and change them. Especially when the room is less than 100 feet away.

After wiping baby ass all over my lobby and almost leaving the diaper where people sit down to enjoy happy hour during the week she comes back to the desk and says “Do you have any prettier rooms?”

I don’t even know what means. She’s in a standard QQ and none of our rooms are total dogs. She has a total of two children, two adults and a baby thats renting space at Hotel De Uterus with her and we’re sold out due to the fires so the only fancier room would be too small for her since it only has one bed and honestly its the same goddamned room just with 1 king inside of it.

She then says she wants to cancel tonights room too which would have been possible like 6 hours ago when we still had housekeeping on staff. She’s free to leave but she’s still getting charged.

I realize a baby being changed on lobby furniture isn’t the end of the world but babies have these things called “blowouts” where they literally shit up their backs and how am I supposed to know this isn’t one of those situation when I see a woman dangling her baby by its feet to wipe it’s ass?

la la la lobby time · personal · Uncategorized

the roof the roof wait no the state is on fire

So my state is on fire. We are outside of the currently burning zone but that can change at any moment. We have evacuees coming in left and right because…. we’re pet friendly.

Anyway the state is on fire and people are walking up or calling me wondering what would happen if they didn’t evacuate and once they realize someone on the other end of the phone cares about them, they calm down and listen to me.

I’m not that big of a bleeding heart but half of my fucking state is on fire and I have a pet friendly hotel list ready to go if we’re too expensive. You better believe I am hustling people into rooms as fast as I can.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t going to put this fucking fire out but I’ll be damned sure if you have to stay with me because your entire life is on fire? It’s gonna be stress free.

I can’t do much but I can at least try not to put you and your kitty by the ice machine.

la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

another tale from the other side of the desk

So my husband’s company put us up in a swanky hotel for the staff holiday party. The hotel isn’t far from our house but it’s right on the ocean and I haven’t stayed here so I was excited.

All in all its a pretty nice spot. We did end up in the “cheap seats” with a two queen room on the ground floor and no view, but its amazing because we have 10 pillows. Nice towels. Wifi is pretty good. The pool is epic. The view is amazing. Valet was free. Banquet food was good.

I do find myself watching intently how people are checked in at these higher end places when they don’t know I work in a hotel as well.

Things a normal guest would have bothered them for that they didn’t mention

– how the wifi works. There is no code and it’s easy enough to get on, but I think of my guests and how I would have ended up needing to go to their rooms to show them or something because I neglected to mention there was no password.

-There was no mention of check out time. It wasn’t on the check in slip either. I had to ask the bartender while we were having a drink after the Christmas party. Also not posted in the room or lobby.

-The gal at the desk also didn’t really tell us about what’s offered here, which I’d be tarred and feathered if I didn’t up sell all the shining glories of our property. (There aren’t many, but what we have is an outstanding breakfast and glorious 12n check out time, a fitness center, heated pool, etc) There’s a full on spa here, a fire pit, room service, beach access, etc etc.

-The incidental charge wasn’t mentioned at all. It’s not like we gave a shit but I can just imagine how shocked travelers who come here on a gift card or coupon are when they aren’t told “hey we’re charging you 100 for incidentals.” This place is nice but it’s not beyond coupons nice. So if my incidentals guess is correct,replacing a stolen bathrobe here costs 78 dollars. Having had enough guests lose their shit on me over 10 dollars because I bankrupted them while they stayed on a gift card for a 300 dollar night, I mention this shit to people.

I also don’t know if the water in the room is included but we clearly don’t give a shit.

All in all is always an experience to see how someone else handles the desk. We all hate our jobs some days but I don’t know about you, I still try to put my best foot forward even though we’re supposedly less nice than this hotel.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · third party bookings

the three unwise men

Yesterday we didn’t have anyone too crazy at the desk just some odd interactions with people that I am not sure should be allowed outside on their own. I dub them in the name of Holiday Cheer, the Three Unwise Men.

1-Mr Tinfoil Hat- This guy came to us from the midwest and he already had my “shithead” radar going the minute he walked in. I thought people from the midwest of the USA were supposed to be polite or at least fake polite but this guy came slamming in, slamming his shit down on the floor and counter and looks at my coworker and says “MY WIFE MADE MY RESERVATION YOU SHOULD HAVE IT”

No name. Didn’t even have his ID out. I would have just stared at him blinking like a cat until he supplied me the information. My coworker is nicer than me somehow and asked for his ID and credit card which of course was slammed down on the counter. I’m starting to twitch so I step over to help make the keys and try to get this guy to stop being so rude. I offered him a fresh (no shit 5 minutes old) baked cookie and instead of saying “no thank you” he said “No I didn’t ask for a cookie.”

Okayeee. So he’s filling out the check in slip and gets all butthurt that his address is on the check in slip. Or rather an address that he willingly gave us when he signed up for the rewards club and he no longer lives at. He started in on how all us hotels sell the data we collect and when I said “Sir we only have your address in the event you leave something at the hotel. That is the extent of the front desk’s interest in you address.” He decided then to tell me more about stolen identities or aliens or something. I stopped listening and only rejoined the shit show when he asked for a steak house. I pointed out that we are near two steak houses, one with animal heads on the wall and one that looks like if the inside of the pirates of the carribean was entirely pink, its actually pretty famous.

Tin Foil Hat Man looked at me and said “I saw that…. pink place on the way in and it looks like one of them places those funny men hang out in, no thank you.”

Sorry you hate comedians… wait… that’s not what you meant. Please go away now.

2-Stereotypical NorthState Hipster- I used to live in the city this guy was checking in from so I commented on it, because the street he lived on was really close to my old apartment. Don’t want to say this guy was high out of his mind but he was high out of his mind. He kept asking me questions over and over after I answered him. Keeping eye contact with him was impossible because he was fascinated by all the bright shiny shit in our lobby and then managed to lock himself out of his room in a record four minutes. As I was rekeying new keys to run over to him, he called and told me he figured out how to open the door finally so I had to explain that he still needed new keys now because he asked for new keys so the programming he had just used 30 seconds before didn’t work anymore. He said “Does that mean I need to go back into the hallway to wait?”

pokes self in the ear with a fork

3-The Major- I’m guessing this guest had social issues because he was just hovering really close to the counter where I was already helping a woman. She signed her slip and he was like at the counter next to her before I handed her the keys. Like he basically shoved her out of the way. Okaaayyye. The lady didn’t care she was just excited to go to the liquor store (I love geologists, all they want is a six pack of beer and their bed) so I didn’t say anything. The dude holds out his cards and I pull up his reservation to check him in and its a Third Party Reservation so I launch into the yes I see this is prepaid so we’ll only be running your card for inciden….

Major: I KNOW. I KNOW YOU HATE THIRD PARTY WEBSITES. I KNOW I WAS A HOSPITALITY MAJOR IN COLLEGE.

Me: Oh sir there is no difference to us as to who you make your reservation with, I was just explaining that our PMS system requires that we do an extra step in order to check you in…

Major: No I KNOW you treat third parties differently. I was a hospitality major.

Me: (then why the fuck did you book through them if you think we’re going to be shitheads to you for using one? You didn’t save any money because this week our rates are as good if not better than 3rd parties) Okay then sir here are your keys and let me grab you a map and show you where…

Major: WHERE IS THE BREAKFAST? THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A BREAKFAST ROOM.

Me: Sir that room is our lounge so anyway here is a map of our property and the breakfast room is directly behind you outside…

Major: YOU SAID THAT WASN’T THE BREAKFAST ROOM.

Me: Sir the breakfast room is directly behind you OUTSIDE of that door and to the left in the building next door. So the best way to get to your room is…

Major: I HAVE A PERFECT SENSE OF DIRECTION I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP FINDING MY ROOM. I MAJORED IN HOSPITALITY.

Me: So you told me. Congratulations. Have a wonderful stay with us and please don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything else. Thank you bye bye.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time

use your words

So I’m working days this week which I kind of hate because I am NOT a morning person at all. But whatever, I’m here and dealing with the chorus of “where is breakfast at?” (Spoiler alert, it’s in the same place I told you yesterday when you checked in two hours before check out, you duckegg.)

Anyway it’s simply bizarre to me how some people check out of hotels. For one thing no one can seem to remember their room numbers ever when they hand me the keys that have long been stripped of their key jackets and have probably been in a toddlers mouth.

Me: And what room were we in?

Them: 147.

Me: We don’t have a room 147.

Them: uhhh

Let me just explain that our PMS runs better and faster if you just give me a room number and I don’t have to look up your last name and find the damn room number. When you give me the room number I will absolutely confirm with you that I am checking out the right last name guest and everyone can move on with their day a little faster.

But my favorite is the guest who just came in holding his keys in the key jacket out at me like a badge. It went like this.

Me: Good Morning How can I help you!

Guest: thrusting key package at me like I should just know what he wants.

Does he want to check out? Did his keys break? Did he find these in the parking lot? Is this an envelope full of government secrets? Use your words man, what are you handing me these keys for? Is it so hard to acknowledge that I said “good morning! how can I help you?” with the answer of “checking out.”

Me: So are we checking out this morning?

Guest: rolls eyes YESSS. Parker! (not his real name)

Me: Okay I can help you with that, was it room (what was written on the key packet)

Guest: Probably.

I pull up the room number and verify the last name and get him a receipt.

Guest: I don’t know why you even ask such stupid questions. Why else would I be coming to you in the morning. It’s not to chat so you can slack off.

Me: Okay sir, here’s your receipt, have a lovely rest of your day. Bye bye now.

Guest: (starts to say something)

Me: Thank you bye bye now!

Cue my huge smile and the wave.

GTFO. It’s too early for your shit buddy.

how do you survive on your own

The Cancer Hoarder

About a month ago I was about to get off work when I got called by a nice man inquiring about two rooms, one pet friendly and one of our largest rooms as his wife was going to be going through Chemo Therapy at our local hospital and his daughter was going to be coming along with her service dog. They weren’t sure of how long they would need to stay. Originally the daughter and dog were only going to be there for three days and the man and his wife, you know with cancer would be with us for possibly two weeks.

We are not an extended stay property by any means. And we are expensive for anyone staying that long. But my GM is a pretty nice lady and will sometimes average out rates for people as our rates change daily. So we check these people in and don’t think anything about it.

Until they keep extending. And somehow keep getting around having their cards authorized for the extended stays. It started getting to the point of us trying to track these people down to take payment from them, only to have this man either slip out unnoticed or sneak out the back every time he went “to the hospital” and when we’d be calling to tell him one of his various credit cards declined and we needed payment, he’d be at the hospital or just wouldn’t answer the phone or door in the room. He’d appear usually when I wasn’t there with a credit card he’d just transferred money into and authorize for a few more days and disappear.

In the 29 days he stayed with us only one person ever saw the daughter. We may have seen the wife with “the cancer” but she by all accounts didn’t look like she had cancer.

As if the credit card shit wasn’t enough, let me tell you about the rest of the joys of room 2X0 and 2X4.

They had a privacy sign up on both doors. I kept telling everyone when they complained about not having been able to get into the rooms that we legally can go in every three days but most times when anyone tried that, the bolt was on.

Then came the complaint about the bird noises. Mr Cancer had two bird cages in his room. We’re pet friendly but you know birds kind of require to not be in a hotel. It’s not like you can go walk the birds. You’re violating pet policy every time you leave the birds alone in the room.

The daughters service dog was a chihuahua supposedly trained to sense seizures. It had fleas and went into both rooms.

Both rooms, when we got them to open the doors were stacked full of rubbermaid tubs of whatever.

They never walked the dog. Almost no one ever saw the dog.

Huge garbage bags would appear in our trash cans that weren’t put there by housekeeping.

When the rooms were opened, the smell almost knocked my head of housekeeping over. Bird shit, dog shit, probably people shit…

We finally got permission from above to throw these people out the day before they would have become “residents,” and been tax free from that point.

Cancer man ended up getting a uhaul to move all their shit out. The two rooms are out of order TFN because we honestly can’t be in them long enough to assess the damage because of the smell. They stole the duvets and some towels and there is probably some damage from the birds to the curtains because there wouldn’t be that much bird shit around if they were caged at all times.

But at least they are gone.