how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time

cats, cops and vodka

It’s been a couple of weeks since this happened but this is legit one of the strangest situations at my hotel ever, and if you’ve read any of my other posts, we get some crazy stuff.

Back in March a lady checked in using a third party website. She had her kitty with her and we’re pet friendly and all is well. Most of us don’t notice her except she keeps extending her stay. One day at a time through the third party website and sometimes through her own credit card if one of us can catch her. Every time we call her to tell her it’s time to come sign a new registration card she’s on a business call or will be right down.

At first honestly we didn’t even know about the cat, the housekeeping staff busted her on the cat, so we had to start charging the pet fee. It’s not a big deal but the housekeepers should know that you have a cat in your room so they don’t let the cat out while cleaning, etc.

This woman was so nondescript though that I have no idea how long she was there before I started noticing the multiple reservations. And it’s when we noticed her things got weird.

I came in one morning to be told that the woman in 2XX’s son had died and that’s why she was staying with us. Okay this is a sad thing but not unusual, but hey I appreciate the heads up so I can be extra kind to a guest going through a hard time. Still haven’t actually seen this disembodied voice on the telephone I sort of pushed it out of my mind after calling her and reminding her of the rate for the day and that she needed to come sign her slip for the day. She stopped by at some point so I finally got a look at her and she seemed sad but nothing crazy.

The next morning is a Sunday and I go in and am getting the hotel going when what in the actual fuck there are two police cruisers and a fire truck followed by an ambulance. It’s 8 in the morning. Officer asks me where room 2XX is and explains a friend of the occupant had called for a wellness check because of some text messages the occupant had been sending them and they needed to see her. So I grabbed my master key and the fork (deadbolt tool) in case of the worst and up we went. The cops knocked first and she wouldn’t open the door for them. In a rare moment of regard for the building itself I asked them to let me knock before we went all Conan on my door or tried to jump the lock.

She saw me at the peep hole and opened the door. I said that she wasn’t in trouble these guys just wanted to talk to her and went back to the desk. They later carted her out in an ambulance and one of the officers said she was showing signs of alcohol poisoning, They’d be taking her to a local hospital and that they had fed the cat and the cat had water and the litter box had been cleaned.

Who knew you could call 911 for cat care?

She came back from the hospital at the end of my shift pretty embarrassed and I actually walked around the desk to give her a hug and give her my card in case she needed anything during the rest of her stay with us. She was sad and lonely and her son died, right? I mean we should have some compassion for our fellow man….

Except…

When I get back to work after a day off Lady With the Cat had been escorted off property by the police department. Why?

HER SON WASN’T DEAD. She’d been lying the entire time and her son had been looking for her for god knows why. I wasn’t there when the eviction occurred but they legit came in and took her, the cat, all her stuff, including all the pills and booze she had in her room and dragged her off to another property god knows where.

I only know she’s alive still because she called the hotel the next day wanting her “belongings” back.

She meant the litter box.

That room is still out of order.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

meet the xanax lady

So I don’t have time to write this whole story but I wanted to share with you the incident reports that built up around the Xanax lady.


Mrs Xanax in 2XX She may be having cognitive issues. She was unable to get herself to her room Thursday night. Uses mixed words in her speech that didn’t belong in the conversation. Helped her to her room. I believe she would’ve just sat outside all night.-Night Audit

Saturday morning 3;30am calls front desk saying she hasn’t been out of the room all day a wants someone to come walk her dog because she fell down. I offer to call 911 she said no…. at the sametime I was in the phone with guest in china when she called …after I finished with Mrs Liu a guest arriving today without ID. I called 2xx back but she on the phone…cant get through. Went to 2xx. The dog barks as you knock on the door. She can’t answer the door I had to come back to the lobby to get a key. Got inside she is laying on the floor in front of the TV stand. Said she cant get up and that she has been peeing on the floor all day. I told her everything will be fine I’m taking the dog out to potty. Whats the dogs name? I ask her. She forgot. then tells me Angel. I grab the dog head to the lobby and called 911. Angel the dog peed and pooped and was given water.

The fire department wanted to take her to the hospital but she declined.

They believe she is smoking Xanax atleast going through her belongings thats what they found.-NA

8:30am HK did a wellness check said guest seemed fine -Me

9:57am HK spoke to guest on the phone as guest is refusing service aside from 5 pillow cases. Janet says the guest sounds like she’s getting high again and wasn’t making a lot of sense on the phone. –Me

1:45p- HK had to let the guest back into her room, guest lost her keys and also forgot which room she was in. HK says she looked a little out of it and disheveled. Guest was at least walking her own dog –Me

2/3/18 3:30pm Guest got into her car lost control and it rolled into another guests car guest in Rm 24X. They exchanged insurance information, and Mr. Smushed Car took pictures. I authorized $275 over room and tax for any guest damages that might present themselves. Strong odor of urine coming from room 2XX . Maint. thinks damage has already been done. From what vie gathered HK feels the same way in regards to the room. –Front Desk Manager

2/3/18 5:00pm Mr. Smushed Car called police out to assist him with getting reimbursed for damages to his car. Before the officer left I insisted that Mrs Xanax rm 2XX leave on 2/4/18 (tomorrow) and told the officer we will not be extending her anymore. (To be clear Guest car is not running) The officer made it clear she is responsible for her car to be towed if she cannot get it running by tomorrow and she is not welcome here any longer . If she fails to leave by 2/4/18 she will be arrested for trespassing on private property- FDM

2/4/18 Day shift

Guest repeatedly told housekeeping and the desk she had until 5pm to get out. I informed her politely but firmly that I had strict instructions to call the police if she did not vacate her room by 12. She argued with me saying it was already noon. It was no, it was 11:15. At 11:45 I received a guest complaint that our guest in 2XX had locked her dog in the car with the windows up and the dog had been in the car for some time. I went out to check on the dog and 2XX came out and told me she was leaving. Maint. came out to meet me and had a conversation with her about how she needed to leave the grounds. She stated she had no one to pick her up and Maint. suggested she get an uber and told her that if her car wasn’t off the property by the end of the day it would be towed. I then had Maint. lock her out of her room.

Guest has wandered off somewhere with the dog but we will continue keeping an eye on her vehicle just to make sure it leaves the property and that she’s not trying to sleep in it or leaving her dog inside. –Me

4:00pm- Saw guests car was still in parking lot but it was being worked on by the guest in 2X1 who’s car she hit. Decided not to engage her and let her try to fix the car –Me

5:15pm- Guest in 2XX, her car and dog have left the property without police presence being required. I would personally blacklist her from staying with us again. -Me

how do you survive on your own · Uncategorized

hey who wants to call the cops?

Okay if you’re reading this and you’re homeless let’s just start with this: I feel for you. I feel for the reasons you’ve landed in this situation and if it were up to me I would move heaven and earth to help you get back on your feet or cure you of addiction or remind you that being a tourist homeless person (it’s a thing, trust me) isn’t all that cool. This isn’t about all homeless people.

This is about The King of Hobo Mountain.

My current property is built on a hill and is up against a natural area that I’m actually unsure who is in charge of it. Apparently though we have a major homeless encampment installed in our backyard by the dog park. Numerous complaints have been made about the King of Hobo Mountain… you see he has a stick. This stick is pretty threatening to someone who paid 200 dollars to stay in my hotel only to walk outside and shit there’s this weird looking dude with a stick, shaking it in the parking lot. Apparently there is also Milk Crate Thief Guy and a bunch of other bandits living all Hobo Fabulous up there.

Personally? I could give a shit. You want to live up on our hill and sometimes drop by and use the bathroom, whatever. But I’m sort of in charge of giving a shit about everyone else who stays with us and everyone who works with me so I have to care.

And I double have to care when people are jacking our outdoor power outlets to charge their phones. Like legit, if you want to charge your phone and I’m working? I’ll take it inside and charge it and bring it back to you in an hour because I can’t have you sitting around in my lobby, but you can’t hang out like some kind of Hobo Gremlin in my outer hallways shaking a stick and hovering over an outlet. That’s a huge no. You can’t do that.

But what you REALLY can’t do if you’re planning to join Milk Crate Fuckhead and Stick Man Douche Head (seriously dude, it’s a stick, stop, I have bear spray in my pocket, don’t try me, I have no soul anymore and I don’t care,) you can not damage the property that you are not a guest of. You can not kick through a locked gate so you can get to another spot to charge your phone. You broke my gate, you scared my guest, my houseperson doesn’t want to be there by herself and I am apparently not allowed to chase you around anymore because someone thinks Captain Stickface will murder me or carry me off into the hills to be his hobo bride so now I have to call the fucking cops.

I hate calling the cops. I’d rather do my taxes. But when I see your hobo ass and your stick or even hear you I have to call the cops. It’s my least favorite thing because then I have to file a stupid incident report that sounds stupid when you read it back: Stupid asshole who lives on our mountain and talks to Elvis through an empty bean can busted our gate down, scared the guests and you won’t let me chase them anymore so I had to call the cops. Please chain up the gate, thank you drive through.

I’m supposed to be afraid because I work at night. Often times alone and I am a woman and I am not very big. (Don’t worry various people have reminded me of this and that I am not bullet proof nor do I have super powers, in the last 12 hours. I am forbidden from chasing the stick idiot and crate head.)

But here’s the thing… I am afraid.

Not for me. I could give a shit, if I screw up chasing a crazy person so badly that I get the bad end of the stick, it’s my time to go.

I’m scared for the 99 rooms full of people that it is MY JOB to protect. I am scared for my coworkers  who are often minors or older ladies at night. It’s MY JOB to protect these people and make them feel safe and I actually take that seriously. You can threaten me, curse me out, cuss out my brand name, threaten to call corporate, I don’t give a shit, but if you pose a threat to my guests or my coworkers, you had better hope the cops get there before I beat the shit out of you with a walkie talkie or the phone or a keyboard or a raccoon, whatever the hell is handy.

Don’t break our shit, don’t bother my guests. If you want something 9 times out of 10 I’ll go get it for you if you’re not a dick. Hungry? Great we have food. Want some coffee? Cool wait outside. Want to use the bathroom? I’ll probably let you. Need your phone charged? I have a rapid charger and if we’re not busy I’ll go do it for you and bring it back. I’m good like that.

But do not fuck with the front desk lady. And stop making me call the cops too, I hate that shit.

how do you survive on your own · personal

28 days later

So today I come into work to find my coworker filling out an incident report about the horrible dog parents I haven’t even had time to tell you about when the phone rang and a guest called.

I have never heard anyone sound in more pain or so sick in my life. He wanted to change rooms and I asked why and he said “I seem to have messed the bed and I can’t stay in here. I’m sick. So sick.”

I figure dude has a hangover and maybe threw up in the bed. I find him a room across the hall from where he was staying and offer to bring him the keys. He asks for a few more minutes and he’ll let us know when we could go up.

When I get up there I open the new room first and turn the air on for him. When I’m hungover I like a cold dark room and I figured that’s what I was dealing with. When I knock on his door though I end up looking at someone straight from Night of the Living Dead.

And then there was the smell. I couldn’t tell what smelled worse the poop or the puke but this dude could barely walk. He grabbed the keys from me and said “and just move my stuff”

I felt bad for him so I opened the slider to the room and started moving his stuff while he just went into the room and passed out. I am so glad I grabbed gloves before I went up.

The smell was horrible.

I moved all of his things and asked him several times if he wanted me to call an ambulance or some one else to check on him. He says no.

I run downstairs, almost barf, wash my hands like three times and tell my manager what I saw. So we all go back up and examine the room. Puke all over the bathroom, blood, wet floor, shit in the bed, blood too.

We decide to try to talk to the guest again. Guest won’t answer the door. Guest won’t answer the phone so we used the master key to go back into the room and asked the guest again if he needed anything because now everyone (but me) is more concerned with the linens that are going to the incinerator than the guest. Guest again refuses medical help so we go downstairs to call a few other bosses to find out if we should call the ambulance anyway. This is not before moving two bottles of water to his bedside and uncapping them. We’re not doctors but we’re not monsters.

Our instructions were to check on him later in the day and if he hadn’t improved to call the hospital guest likes it or not. The guest kept saying he just had food poisoning and hey I’ve been sick before so whatever. I refuse medical attention all the time.

Later this evening I was rearranging the bookcase in the lobby when the guest walked in… Right as rain and very very embarrassed and very grateful to me and my co-workers for taking care of him.

“You saw me at my bloody worst and I was horrible to you ordering you around but I felt so awful.” he says

Me: We’ve all been sick sir, its my pleasure to help you out.

Him: I’m so fucking embarrassed you were all so kind.

Me: Sir I’m just glad to see you up and around, I’m just glad you feel better, can I do anything else for you? Do you need anything from the kitchen?

Him: I just really wanted to thank you for genuinely caring about my while I was ill. Really. You were the most kind. I won’t forget this.

I didn’t know what else to say so I gave him directions to the drug store and texted my boss to let him know that our zombie guest was fine.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

diaper lady

A very pregnant fire evacuee checked into the hotel this afternoon with her two other kids. At check in she mentioned she was due really soon and may cancel tomorrow night in order to be closer to her own doctor when she gives birth. Understandable and we tell her it’s not a problem and think we aren’t going to see her for the rest of the night.

Wrong. She comes back down a few minutes ago and says “So I think I’m cancelling tomorrow night for sure.” We tell her it’s still okay and she shuffles off and does the most bizarre thing I can think of. This was my train of thought as I saw it happen…

Please explain to me lady why when you have a perfectly good hotel room that you’re paying through the nose for, that you are changing your bare assed baby on one of my lobby chairs? It definitely wasn’t because the baby was fussy about their diaper. If I hadn’t given you THE LOOK, you would have thrown that diaper in my lobby trash can or just left it where you were changing your baby. There is a bathroom literally 10 steps from where you decided to pull your kids ass out. Or you know that room you have. Just a suggestion.

I’m not unsympathetic to pregnancy brain or fire brain or whatever but our lobby chairs can’t be the best place to whip our your kids ass and change them. Especially when the room is less than 100 feet away.

After wiping baby ass all over my lobby and almost leaving the diaper where people sit down to enjoy happy hour during the week she comes back to the desk and says “Do you have any prettier rooms?”

I don’t even know what means. She’s in a standard QQ and none of our rooms are total dogs. She has a total of two children, two adults and a baby thats renting space at Hotel De Uterus with her and we’re sold out due to the fires so the only fancier room would be too small for her since it only has one bed and honestly its the same goddamned room just with 1 king inside of it.

She then says she wants to cancel tonights room too which would have been possible like 6 hours ago when we still had housekeeping on staff. She’s free to leave but she’s still getting charged.

I realize a baby being changed on lobby furniture isn’t the end of the world but babies have these things called “blowouts” where they literally shit up their backs and how am I supposed to know this isn’t one of those situation when I see a woman dangling her baby by its feet to wipe it’s ass?

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · third party bookings

the three unwise men

Yesterday we didn’t have anyone too crazy at the desk just some odd interactions with people that I am not sure should be allowed outside on their own. I dub them in the name of Holiday Cheer, the Three Unwise Men.

1-Mr Tinfoil Hat- This guy came to us from the midwest and he already had my “shithead” radar going the minute he walked in. I thought people from the midwest of the USA were supposed to be polite or at least fake polite but this guy came slamming in, slamming his shit down on the floor and counter and looks at my coworker and says “MY WIFE MADE MY RESERVATION YOU SHOULD HAVE IT”

No name. Didn’t even have his ID out. I would have just stared at him blinking like a cat until he supplied me the information. My coworker is nicer than me somehow and asked for his ID and credit card which of course was slammed down on the counter. I’m starting to twitch so I step over to help make the keys and try to get this guy to stop being so rude. I offered him a fresh (no shit 5 minutes old) baked cookie and instead of saying “no thank you” he said “No I didn’t ask for a cookie.”

Okayeee. So he’s filling out the check in slip and gets all butthurt that his address is on the check in slip. Or rather an address that he willingly gave us when he signed up for the rewards club and he no longer lives at. He started in on how all us hotels sell the data we collect and when I said “Sir we only have your address in the event you leave something at the hotel. That is the extent of the front desk’s interest in you address.” He decided then to tell me more about stolen identities or aliens or something. I stopped listening and only rejoined the shit show when he asked for a steak house. I pointed out that we are near two steak houses, one with animal heads on the wall and one that looks like if the inside of the pirates of the carribean was entirely pink, its actually pretty famous.

Tin Foil Hat Man looked at me and said “I saw that…. pink place on the way in and it looks like one of them places those funny men hang out in, no thank you.”

Sorry you hate comedians… wait… that’s not what you meant. Please go away now.

2-Stereotypical NorthState Hipster- I used to live in the city this guy was checking in from so I commented on it, because the street he lived on was really close to my old apartment. Don’t want to say this guy was high out of his mind but he was high out of his mind. He kept asking me questions over and over after I answered him. Keeping eye contact with him was impossible because he was fascinated by all the bright shiny shit in our lobby and then managed to lock himself out of his room in a record four minutes. As I was rekeying new keys to run over to him, he called and told me he figured out how to open the door finally so I had to explain that he still needed new keys now because he asked for new keys so the programming he had just used 30 seconds before didn’t work anymore. He said “Does that mean I need to go back into the hallway to wait?”

pokes self in the ear with a fork

3-The Major- I’m guessing this guest had social issues because he was just hovering really close to the counter where I was already helping a woman. She signed her slip and he was like at the counter next to her before I handed her the keys. Like he basically shoved her out of the way. Okaaayyye. The lady didn’t care she was just excited to go to the liquor store (I love geologists, all they want is a six pack of beer and their bed) so I didn’t say anything. The dude holds out his cards and I pull up his reservation to check him in and its a Third Party Reservation so I launch into the yes I see this is prepaid so we’ll only be running your card for inciden….

Major: I KNOW. I KNOW YOU HATE THIRD PARTY WEBSITES. I KNOW I WAS A HOSPITALITY MAJOR IN COLLEGE.

Me: Oh sir there is no difference to us as to who you make your reservation with, I was just explaining that our PMS system requires that we do an extra step in order to check you in…

Major: No I KNOW you treat third parties differently. I was a hospitality major.

Me: (then why the fuck did you book through them if you think we’re going to be shitheads to you for using one? You didn’t save any money because this week our rates are as good if not better than 3rd parties) Okay then sir here are your keys and let me grab you a map and show you where…

Major: WHERE IS THE BREAKFAST? THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A BREAKFAST ROOM.

Me: Sir that room is our lounge so anyway here is a map of our property and the breakfast room is directly behind you outside…

Major: YOU SAID THAT WASN’T THE BREAKFAST ROOM.

Me: Sir the breakfast room is directly behind you OUTSIDE of that door and to the left in the building next door. So the best way to get to your room is…

Major: I HAVE A PERFECT SENSE OF DIRECTION I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP FINDING MY ROOM. I MAJORED IN HOSPITALITY.

Me: So you told me. Congratulations. Have a wonderful stay with us and please don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything else. Thank you bye bye.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time

use your words

So I’m working days this week which I kind of hate because I am NOT a morning person at all. But whatever, I’m here and dealing with the chorus of “where is breakfast at?” (Spoiler alert, it’s in the same place I told you yesterday when you checked in two hours before check out, you duckegg.)

Anyway it’s simply bizarre to me how some people check out of hotels. For one thing no one can seem to remember their room numbers ever when they hand me the keys that have long been stripped of their key jackets and have probably been in a toddlers mouth.

Me: And what room were we in?

Them: 147.

Me: We don’t have a room 147.

Them: uhhh

Let me just explain that our PMS runs better and faster if you just give me a room number and I don’t have to look up your last name and find the damn room number. When you give me the room number I will absolutely confirm with you that I am checking out the right last name guest and everyone can move on with their day a little faster.

But my favorite is the guest who just came in holding his keys in the key jacket out at me like a badge. It went like this.

Me: Good Morning How can I help you!

Guest: thrusting key package at me like I should just know what he wants.

Does he want to check out? Did his keys break? Did he find these in the parking lot? Is this an envelope full of government secrets? Use your words man, what are you handing me these keys for? Is it so hard to acknowledge that I said “good morning! how can I help you?” with the answer of “checking out.”

Me: So are we checking out this morning?

Guest: rolls eyes YESSS. Parker! (not his real name)

Me: Okay I can help you with that, was it room (what was written on the key packet)

Guest: Probably.

I pull up the room number and verify the last name and get him a receipt.

Guest: I don’t know why you even ask such stupid questions. Why else would I be coming to you in the morning. It’s not to chat so you can slack off.

Me: Okay sir, here’s your receipt, have a lovely rest of your day. Bye bye now.

Guest: (starts to say something)

Me: Thank you bye bye now!

Cue my huge smile and the wave.

GTFO. It’s too early for your shit buddy.