how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

diaper lady

A very pregnant fire evacuee checked into the hotel this afternoon with her two other kids. At check in she mentioned she was due really soon and may cancel tomorrow night in order to be closer to her own doctor when she gives birth. Understandable and we tell her it’s not a problem and think we aren’t going to see her for the rest of the night.

Wrong. She comes back down a few minutes ago and says “So I think I’m cancelling tomorrow night for sure.” We tell her it’s still okay and she shuffles off and does the most bizarre thing I can think of. This was my train of thought as I saw it happen…

Please explain to me lady why when you have a perfectly good hotel room that you’re paying through the nose for, that you are changing your bare assed baby on one of my lobby chairs? It definitely wasn’t because the baby was fussy about their diaper. If I hadn’t given you THE LOOK, you would have thrown that diaper in my lobby trash can or just left it where you were changing your baby. There is a bathroom literally 10 steps from where you decided to pull your kids ass out. Or you know that room you have. Just a suggestion.

I’m not unsympathetic to pregnancy brain or fire brain or whatever but our lobby chairs can’t be the best place to whip our your kids ass and change them. Especially when the room is less than 100 feet away.

After wiping baby ass all over my lobby and almost leaving the diaper where people sit down to enjoy happy hour during the week she comes back to the desk and says “Do you have any prettier rooms?”

I don’t even know what means. She’s in a standard QQ and none of our rooms are total dogs. She has a total of two children, two adults and a baby thats renting space at Hotel De Uterus with her and we’re sold out due to the fires so the only fancier room would be too small for her since it only has one bed and honestly its the same goddamned room just with 1 king inside of it.

She then says she wants to cancel tonights room too which would have been possible like 6 hours ago when we still had housekeeping on staff. She’s free to leave but she’s still getting charged.

I realize a baby being changed on lobby furniture isn’t the end of the world but babies have these things called “blowouts” where they literally shit up their backs and how am I supposed to know this isn’t one of those situation when I see a woman dangling her baby by its feet to wipe it’s ass?

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · third party bookings

the three unwise men

Yesterday we didn’t have anyone too crazy at the desk just some odd interactions with people that I am not sure should be allowed outside on their own. I dub them in the name of Holiday Cheer, the Three Unwise Men.

1-Mr Tinfoil Hat- This guy came to us from the midwest and he already had my “shithead” radar going the minute he walked in. I thought people from the midwest of the USA were supposed to be polite or at least fake polite but this guy came slamming in, slamming his shit down on the floor and counter and looks at my coworker and says “MY WIFE MADE MY RESERVATION YOU SHOULD HAVE IT”

No name. Didn’t even have his ID out. I would have just stared at him blinking like a cat until he supplied me the information. My coworker is nicer than me somehow and asked for his ID and credit card which of course was slammed down on the counter. I’m starting to twitch so I step over to help make the keys and try to get this guy to stop being so rude. I offered him a fresh (no shit 5 minutes old) baked cookie and instead of saying “no thank you” he said “No I didn’t ask for a cookie.”

Okayeee. So he’s filling out the check in slip and gets all butthurt that his address is on the check in slip. Or rather an address that he willingly gave us when he signed up for the rewards club and he no longer lives at. He started in on how all us hotels sell the data we collect and when I said “Sir we only have your address in the event you leave something at the hotel. That is the extent of the front desk’s interest in you address.” He decided then to tell me more about stolen identities or aliens or something. I stopped listening and only rejoined the shit show when he asked for a steak house. I pointed out that we are near two steak houses, one with animal heads on the wall and one that looks like if the inside of the pirates of the carribean was entirely pink, its actually pretty famous.

Tin Foil Hat Man looked at me and said “I saw that…. pink place on the way in and it looks like one of them places those funny men hang out in, no thank you.”

Sorry you hate comedians… wait… that’s not what you meant. Please go away now.

2-Stereotypical NorthState Hipster- I used to live in the city this guy was checking in from so I commented on it, because the street he lived on was really close to my old apartment. Don’t want to say this guy was high out of his mind but he was high out of his mind. He kept asking me questions over and over after I answered him. Keeping eye contact with him was impossible because he was fascinated by all the bright shiny shit in our lobby and then managed to lock himself out of his room in a record four minutes. As I was rekeying new keys to run over to him, he called and told me he figured out how to open the door finally so I had to explain that he still needed new keys now because he asked for new keys so the programming he had just used 30 seconds before didn’t work anymore. He said “Does that mean I need to go back into the hallway to wait?”

pokes self in the ear with a fork

3-The Major- I’m guessing this guest had social issues because he was just hovering really close to the counter where I was already helping a woman. She signed her slip and he was like at the counter next to her before I handed her the keys. Like he basically shoved her out of the way. Okaaayyye. The lady didn’t care she was just excited to go to the liquor store (I love geologists, all they want is a six pack of beer and their bed) so I didn’t say anything. The dude holds out his cards and I pull up his reservation to check him in and its a Third Party Reservation so I launch into the yes I see this is prepaid so we’ll only be running your card for inciden….

Major: I KNOW. I KNOW YOU HATE THIRD PARTY WEBSITES. I KNOW I WAS A HOSPITALITY MAJOR IN COLLEGE.

Me: Oh sir there is no difference to us as to who you make your reservation with, I was just explaining that our PMS system requires that we do an extra step in order to check you in…

Major: No I KNOW you treat third parties differently. I was a hospitality major.

Me: (then why the fuck did you book through them if you think we’re going to be shitheads to you for using one? You didn’t save any money because this week our rates are as good if not better than 3rd parties) Okay then sir here are your keys and let me grab you a map and show you where…

Major: WHERE IS THE BREAKFAST? THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A BREAKFAST ROOM.

Me: Sir that room is our lounge so anyway here is a map of our property and the breakfast room is directly behind you outside…

Major: YOU SAID THAT WASN’T THE BREAKFAST ROOM.

Me: Sir the breakfast room is directly behind you OUTSIDE of that door and to the left in the building next door. So the best way to get to your room is…

Major: I HAVE A PERFECT SENSE OF DIRECTION I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP FINDING MY ROOM. I MAJORED IN HOSPITALITY.

Me: So you told me. Congratulations. Have a wonderful stay with us and please don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything else. Thank you bye bye.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time

use your words

So I’m working days this week which I kind of hate because I am NOT a morning person at all. But whatever, I’m here and dealing with the chorus of “where is breakfast at?” (Spoiler alert, it’s in the same place I told you yesterday when you checked in two hours before check out, you duckegg.)

Anyway it’s simply bizarre to me how some people check out of hotels. For one thing no one can seem to remember their room numbers ever when they hand me the keys that have long been stripped of their key jackets and have probably been in a toddlers mouth.

Me: And what room were we in?

Them: 147.

Me: We don’t have a room 147.

Them: uhhh

Let me just explain that our PMS runs better and faster if you just give me a room number and I don’t have to look up your last name and find the damn room number. When you give me the room number I will absolutely confirm with you that I am checking out the right last name guest and everyone can move on with their day a little faster.

But my favorite is the guest who just came in holding his keys in the key jacket out at me like a badge. It went like this.

Me: Good Morning How can I help you!

Guest: thrusting key package at me like I should just know what he wants.

Does he want to check out? Did his keys break? Did he find these in the parking lot? Is this an envelope full of government secrets? Use your words man, what are you handing me these keys for? Is it so hard to acknowledge that I said “good morning! how can I help you?” with the answer of “checking out.”

Me: So are we checking out this morning?

Guest: rolls eyes YESSS. Parker! (not his real name)

Me: Okay I can help you with that, was it room (what was written on the key packet)

Guest: Probably.

I pull up the room number and verify the last name and get him a receipt.

Guest: I don’t know why you even ask such stupid questions. Why else would I be coming to you in the morning. It’s not to chat so you can slack off.

Me: Okay sir, here’s your receipt, have a lovely rest of your day. Bye bye now.

Guest: (starts to say something)

Me: Thank you bye bye now!

Cue my huge smile and the wave.

GTFO. It’s too early for your shit buddy.

how do you survive on your own

The Cancer Hoarder

About a month ago I was about to get off work when I got called by a nice man inquiring about two rooms, one pet friendly and one of our largest rooms as his wife was going to be going through Chemo Therapy at our local hospital and his daughter was going to be coming along with her service dog. They weren’t sure of how long they would need to stay. Originally the daughter and dog were only going to be there for three days and the man and his wife, you know with cancer would be with us for possibly two weeks.

We are not an extended stay property by any means. And we are expensive for anyone staying that long. But my GM is a pretty nice lady and will sometimes average out rates for people as our rates change daily. So we check these people in and don’t think anything about it.

Until they keep extending. And somehow keep getting around having their cards authorized for the extended stays. It started getting to the point of us trying to track these people down to take payment from them, only to have this man either slip out unnoticed or sneak out the back every time he went “to the hospital” and when we’d be calling to tell him one of his various credit cards declined and we needed payment, he’d be at the hospital or just wouldn’t answer the phone or door in the room. He’d appear usually when I wasn’t there with a credit card he’d just transferred money into and authorize for a few more days and disappear.

In the 29 days he stayed with us only one person ever saw the daughter. We may have seen the wife with “the cancer” but she by all accounts didn’t look like she had cancer.

As if the credit card shit wasn’t enough, let me tell you about the rest of the joys of room 2X0 and 2X4.

They had a privacy sign up on both doors. I kept telling everyone when they complained about not having been able to get into the rooms that we legally can go in every three days but most times when anyone tried that, the bolt was on.

Then came the complaint about the bird noises. Mr Cancer had two bird cages in his room. We’re pet friendly but you know birds kind of require to not be in a hotel. It’s not like you can go walk the birds. You’re violating pet policy every time you leave the birds alone in the room.

The daughters service dog was a chihuahua supposedly trained to sense seizures. It had fleas and went into both rooms.

Both rooms, when we got them to open the doors were stacked full of rubbermaid tubs of whatever.

They never walked the dog. Almost no one ever saw the dog.

Huge garbage bags would appear in our trash cans that weren’t put there by housekeeping.

When the rooms were opened, the smell almost knocked my head of housekeeping over. Bird shit, dog shit, probably people shit…

We finally got permission from above to throw these people out the day before they would have become “residents,” and been tax free from that point.

Cancer man ended up getting a uhaul to move all their shit out. The two rooms are out of order TFN because we honestly can’t be in them long enough to assess the damage because of the smell. They stole the duvets and some towels and there is probably some damage from the birds to the curtains because there wouldn’t be that much bird shit around if they were caged at all times.

But at least they are gone.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

drunky mcpukey man

So last night I finish my 3-11 and I’m chilling in the lobby talking to NA while I wait for my husband to pick me up when a car rolls up and my NA and I look at each other and go “be an uber, be an uber” because hey it’s 11 and we’re sold out and everyone was already in house.

Be careful what you wish for.

The Uber driver gets out and she’s a small college girl and I see her go around to the back and start trying to rouse a lump in the back seat. I look at NA and I’m like “This is going to be a problem.”

Girl finally gets dude in the back out and he immediately starts stumbling like he’s got vertigo and when I see him start to go down I just ran outside. Luckily he landed on his hands and was only spitting on my driveway. I tell the driver that I work at the hotel and will take care of him from there.

Drunky bounces back up and starts stumbling around and almost hits the dirt again and I catch him. I’m 5’2″ and 115 pounds and this dude is old enough to be someone’s dad and is around 6’4″. I start trying to guide him towards the lobby to sit down while trying to see if he can remember what room he’s in when he takes off running again and starts throwing up in our flowerbed.

He finally empties himself out and sits down on the curb but he’s starting to fall over. So I open the side door to our lobby and yell for my partner to come out and help me because if this guy passes out on the sidewalk I’m not going to be able to wake this dude again by myself.

We get a last name out of Drunky and I ran in and looked up the last name and call that room.

Me: Hello Mrs McGuest this is the hotel front desk, are you missing any one from your party?

Guest: Well no

Me: Oh I apologize then, there is a gentleman in our lobby who claims to belong to you and…

Guest: Oh for fucks sake is Drunky down there wasted in the lobby again?

Me: He’s definitely in need of assistance.

Guest: Oh goddamnit. Okay I’ll send Bob down to get him.

I went outside and told Mr Drunky I’d be standing with him until his friend arrived and after a bit, Bob showed up to get his friend up to their room and thanked me for watching his friend and not calling the cops.

As I was walking off to get in the truck and go home as my husband had been waiting for 20 minutes for me to go home, I hear Bob say “Jesus Christ Drunky I just left you three hours ago and you were fine.”

Drunky: Fuck you man 3 hours iz alzzotof shotzzzzz

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

Rich dude/cheap dude

So last night started off pretty tame for a Friday night. I was doing a 3-11 and most of my interactions had to do with this Corvette club staying with us. I had an inordinate amount of people wanting to see a room before they rented it and I assumed it was due to the rates but whatever.

I even found out that the guy in 2XX and his mother in 2X1 finally left after living with us for two months. Don’t worry though we have another kook in 22X and 21X with his wife, daughter, epilepsy dog and no shit a big ass cage full of birds and he’s been with us for two weeks with no sign of leaving.

But none of those people compared to The Rich Man, who pulled up right in front of my front door in a Porsche Cayanne. He comes in, in golf clothes and a hat from a very nice resort that shares it’s name with a famous snack cracker and the character on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire.

He’s a walk in and he wants a room and he wants it for a good rate because he’s a superbutthole elite turd level member.

I run over what room types we have and pull up his membership.

He’s bargain basement level member but hey he must belong to so many rewards programs he forgot so I’ll help a dude out.

Me: Well sir, we’re sold out of our king rooms aside from our deluxe rooms, but I’d be happy to give you a deluxe room for the 3A regular king price.

RD: And that’s the best you can do? I’m a super diamond butthole member and that price is still high.

Me: Yes sir but it is a holiday weekend and those are the rates.That is the best rate.

RD: Fine we’ll take it.

And I give them one of my favorite DK’s and send them on their way.

He comes back awhile later and steps in front of another customer that I’m currently helping and starts in again.

RD: That room is out in the middle of nowhere, is that really the best rate you can give me for that room?

Me: Sir I’m currently assisting this guest, but to answer your question, yes.

So I return to helping my other guest and he stands there tapping his foot like I’m going to suddenly give him a better rate when at this point I just want to raise his rate.

After I give the other guest their keys and wish them a good night, Rich Dude starts up again.

RD: If you can’t give me a better rate, I need more towels. Go get them for me.

Without breaking eye contact I just reach over for my walkie talkie and call my houseman and ask him to take towels to this room, since I know he’s up there anyway. Rich Dude threw up his hands and walked away.

Bitch I’m not going to leave my desk to personally get you some towels, go take your sourpuss cheap ass back up to your room. Maybe I put you in the middle of nowhere because I don’t want to see your bitchy face for the rest of the night. Be gone.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

invisible service dog

Tonight on tales from bizarro world:

Guest checks in that wants a ADA room, meaning she wants a handicapped room. She wants one with a bathtub. We don’t have one of those. The bathtub is a must, so I ask her if she has a dog, thinking I’ll just upgrade her into a Deluxe room.

She has a “service dog” and proceeds to berate me for even asking her and tells me she legally doesn’t even have to disclose her dog and its discriminatory not to allow a service dog into any kind of room and I explained we keep nine rooms completely animal dander free for guests who also have the “disability” of being allergic to pets.

It gets better.

She refused to stay in any part of the hotel that wasn’t the main building, didn’t have an odd numbered room because she couldn’t look over the pool because…. SHE’S ALLERGIC TO CHEMICAL SMELLS.

Funny thing about her “service animal” She left it in the car to check in. Actually I haven’t seen this “hypoallergenic service dog” once since she came. No disrespect to my friends with Emotional Support Animals, but ESA dogs are not covered by ADA compliance for hotels in California. We’re pet friendly and if you’re not a dick most of the time I’ll waive the pet fee for them but you have to adhere to the pet rules which I know this broad isn’t going to do since I’ve yet to even see the dog. 1 bark and she’s getting charged. I don’t have time for this shit tonight.