how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · third party bookings

the three unwise men

Yesterday we didn’t have anyone too crazy at the desk just some odd interactions with people that I am not sure should be allowed outside on their own. I dub them in the name of Holiday Cheer, the Three Unwise Men.

1-Mr Tinfoil Hat- This guy came to us from the midwest and he already had my “shithead” radar going the minute he walked in. I thought people from the midwest of the USA were supposed to be polite or at least fake polite but this guy came slamming in, slamming his shit down on the floor and counter and looks at my coworker and says “MY WIFE MADE MY RESERVATION YOU SHOULD HAVE IT”

No name. Didn’t even have his ID out. I would have just stared at him blinking like a cat until he supplied me the information. My coworker is nicer than me somehow and asked for his ID and credit card which of course was slammed down on the counter. I’m starting to twitch so I step over to help make the keys and try to get this guy to stop being so rude. I offered him a fresh (no shit 5 minutes old) baked cookie and instead of saying “no thank you” he said “No I didn’t ask for a cookie.”

Okayeee. So he’s filling out the check in slip and gets all butthurt that his address is on the check in slip. Or rather an address that he willingly gave us when he signed up for the rewards club and he no longer lives at. He started in on how all us hotels sell the data we collect and when I said “Sir we only have your address in the event you leave something at the hotel. That is the extent of the front desk’s interest in you address.” He decided then to tell me more about stolen identities or aliens or something. I stopped listening and only rejoined the shit show when he asked for a steak house. I pointed out that we are near two steak houses, one with animal heads on the wall and one that looks like if the inside of the pirates of the carribean was entirely pink, its actually pretty famous.

Tin Foil Hat Man looked at me and said “I saw that…. pink place on the way in and it looks like one of them places those funny men hang out in, no thank you.”

Sorry you hate comedians… wait… that’s not what you meant. Please go away now.

2-Stereotypical NorthState Hipster- I used to live in the city this guy was checking in from so I commented on it, because the street he lived on was really close to my old apartment. Don’t want to say this guy was high out of his mind but he was high out of his mind. He kept asking me questions over and over after I answered him. Keeping eye contact with him was impossible because he was fascinated by all the bright shiny shit in our lobby and then managed to lock himself out of his room in a record four minutes. As I was rekeying new keys to run over to him, he called and told me he figured out how to open the door finally so I had to explain that he still needed new keys now because he asked for new keys so the programming he had just used 30 seconds before didn’t work anymore. He said “Does that mean I need to go back into the hallway to wait?”

pokes self in the ear with a fork

3-The Major- I’m guessing this guest had social issues because he was just hovering really close to the counter where I was already helping a woman. She signed her slip and he was like at the counter next to her before I handed her the keys. Like he basically shoved her out of the way. Okaaayyye. The lady didn’t care she was just excited to go to the liquor store (I love geologists, all they want is a six pack of beer and their bed) so I didn’t say anything. The dude holds out his cards and I pull up his reservation to check him in and its a Third Party Reservation so I launch into the yes I see this is prepaid so we’ll only be running your card for inciden….


Me: Oh sir there is no difference to us as to who you make your reservation with, I was just explaining that our PMS system requires that we do an extra step in order to check you in…

Major: No I KNOW you treat third parties differently. I was a hospitality major.

Me: (then why the fuck did you book through them if you think we’re going to be shitheads to you for using one? You didn’t save any money because this week our rates are as good if not better than 3rd parties) Okay then sir here are your keys and let me grab you a map and show you where…


Me: Sir that room is our lounge so anyway here is a map of our property and the breakfast room is directly behind you outside…


Me: Sir the breakfast room is directly behind you OUTSIDE of that door and to the left in the building next door. So the best way to get to your room is…


Me: So you told me. Congratulations. Have a wonderful stay with us and please don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything else. Thank you bye bye.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time

use your words

So I’m working days this week which I kind of hate because I am NOT a morning person at all. But whatever, I’m here and dealing with the chorus of “where is breakfast at?” (Spoiler alert, it’s in the same place I told you yesterday when you checked in two hours before check out, you duckegg.)

Anyway it’s simply bizarre to me how some people check out of hotels. For one thing no one can seem to remember their room numbers ever when they hand me the keys that have long been stripped of their key jackets and have probably been in a toddlers mouth.

Me: And what room were we in?

Them: 147.

Me: We don’t have a room 147.

Them: uhhh

Let me just explain that our PMS runs better and faster if you just give me a room number and I don’t have to look up your last name and find the damn room number. When you give me the room number I will absolutely confirm with you that I am checking out the right last name guest and everyone can move on with their day a little faster.

But my favorite is the guest who just came in holding his keys in the key jacket out at me like a badge. It went like this.

Me: Good Morning How can I help you!

Guest: thrusting key package at me like I should just know what he wants.

Does he want to check out? Did his keys break? Did he find these in the parking lot? Is this an envelope full of government secrets? Use your words man, what are you handing me these keys for? Is it so hard to acknowledge that I said “good morning! how can I help you?” with the answer of “checking out.”

Me: So are we checking out this morning?

Guest: rolls eyes YESSS. Parker! (not his real name)

Me: Okay I can help you with that, was it room (what was written on the key packet)

Guest: Probably.

I pull up the room number and verify the last name and get him a receipt.

Guest: I don’t know why you even ask such stupid questions. Why else would I be coming to you in the morning. It’s not to chat so you can slack off.

Me: Okay sir, here’s your receipt, have a lovely rest of your day. Bye bye now.

Guest: (starts to say something)

Me: Thank you bye bye now!

Cue my huge smile and the wave.

GTFO. It’s too early for your shit buddy.

how do you survive on your own

The Cancer Hoarder

About a month ago I was about to get off work when I got called by a nice man inquiring about two rooms, one pet friendly and one of our largest rooms as his wife was going to be going through Chemo Therapy at our local hospital and his daughter was going to be coming along with her service dog. They weren’t sure of how long they would need to stay. Originally the daughter and dog were only going to be there for three days and the man and his wife, you know with cancer would be with us for possibly two weeks.

We are not an extended stay property by any means. And we are expensive for anyone staying that long. But my GM is a pretty nice lady and will sometimes average out rates for people as our rates change daily. So we check these people in and don’t think anything about it.

Until they keep extending. And somehow keep getting around having their cards authorized for the extended stays. It started getting to the point of us trying to track these people down to take payment from them, only to have this man either slip out unnoticed or sneak out the back every time he went “to the hospital” and when we’d be calling to tell him one of his various credit cards declined and we needed payment, he’d be at the hospital or just wouldn’t answer the phone or door in the room. He’d appear usually when I wasn’t there with a credit card he’d just transferred money into and authorize for a few more days and disappear.

In the 29 days he stayed with us only one person ever saw the daughter. We may have seen the wife with “the cancer” but she by all accounts didn’t look like she had cancer.

As if the credit card shit wasn’t enough, let me tell you about the rest of the joys of room 2X0 and 2X4.

They had a privacy sign up on both doors. I kept telling everyone when they complained about not having been able to get into the rooms that we legally can go in every three days but most times when anyone tried that, the bolt was on.

Then came the complaint about the bird noises. Mr Cancer had two bird cages in his room. We’re pet friendly but you know birds kind of require to not be in a hotel. It’s not like you can go walk the birds. You’re violating pet policy every time you leave the birds alone in the room.

The daughters service dog was a chihuahua supposedly trained to sense seizures. It had fleas and went into both rooms.

Both rooms, when we got them to open the doors were stacked full of rubbermaid tubs of whatever.

They never walked the dog. Almost no one ever saw the dog.

Huge garbage bags would appear in our trash cans that weren’t put there by housekeeping.

When the rooms were opened, the smell almost knocked my head of housekeeping over. Bird shit, dog shit, probably people shit…

We finally got permission from above to throw these people out the day before they would have become “residents,” and been tax free from that point.

Cancer man ended up getting a uhaul to move all their shit out. The two rooms are out of order TFN because we honestly can’t be in them long enough to assess the damage because of the smell. They stole the duvets and some towels and there is probably some damage from the birds to the curtains because there wouldn’t be that much bird shit around if they were caged at all times.

But at least they are gone.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

drunky mcpukey man

So last night I finish my 3-11 and I’m chilling in the lobby talking to NA while I wait for my husband to pick me up when a car rolls up and my NA and I look at each other and go “be an uber, be an uber” because hey it’s 11 and we’re sold out and everyone was already in house.

Be careful what you wish for.

The Uber driver gets out and she’s a small college girl and I see her go around to the back and start trying to rouse a lump in the back seat. I look at NA and I’m like “This is going to be a problem.”

Girl finally gets dude in the back out and he immediately starts stumbling like he’s got vertigo and when I see him start to go down I just ran outside. Luckily he landed on his hands and was only spitting on my driveway. I tell the driver that I work at the hotel and will take care of him from there.

Drunky bounces back up and starts stumbling around and almost hits the dirt again and I catch him. I’m 5’2″ and 115 pounds and this dude is old enough to be someone’s dad and is around 6’4″. I start trying to guide him towards the lobby to sit down while trying to see if he can remember what room he’s in when he takes off running again and starts throwing up in our flowerbed.

He finally empties himself out and sits down on the curb but he’s starting to fall over. So I open the side door to our lobby and yell for my partner to come out and help me because if this guy passes out on the sidewalk I’m not going to be able to wake this dude again by myself.

We get a last name out of Drunky and I ran in and looked up the last name and call that room.

Me: Hello Mrs McGuest this is the hotel front desk, are you missing any one from your party?

Guest: Well no

Me: Oh I apologize then, there is a gentleman in our lobby who claims to belong to you and…

Guest: Oh for fucks sake is Drunky down there wasted in the lobby again?

Me: He’s definitely in need of assistance.

Guest: Oh goddamnit. Okay I’ll send Bob down to get him.

I went outside and told Mr Drunky I’d be standing with him until his friend arrived and after a bit, Bob showed up to get his friend up to their room and thanked me for watching his friend and not calling the cops.

As I was walking off to get in the truck and go home as my husband had been waiting for 20 minutes for me to go home, I hear Bob say “Jesus Christ Drunky I just left you three hours ago and you were fine.”

Drunky: Fuck you man 3 hours iz alzzotof shotzzzzz

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

Rich dude/cheap dude

So last night started off pretty tame for a Friday night. I was doing a 3-11 and most of my interactions had to do with this Corvette club staying with us. I had an inordinate amount of people wanting to see a room before they rented it and I assumed it was due to the rates but whatever.

I even found out that the guy in 2XX and his mother in 2X1 finally left after living with us for two months. Don’t worry though we have another kook in 22X and 21X with his wife, daughter, epilepsy dog and no shit a big ass cage full of birds and he’s been with us for two weeks with no sign of leaving.

But none of those people compared to The Rich Man, who pulled up right in front of my front door in a Porsche Cayanne. He comes in, in golf clothes and a hat from a very nice resort that shares it’s name with a famous snack cracker and the character on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire.

He’s a walk in and he wants a room and he wants it for a good rate because he’s a superbutthole elite turd level member.

I run over what room types we have and pull up his membership.

He’s bargain basement level member but hey he must belong to so many rewards programs he forgot so I’ll help a dude out.

Me: Well sir, we’re sold out of our king rooms aside from our deluxe rooms, but I’d be happy to give you a deluxe room for the 3A regular king price.

RD: And that’s the best you can do? I’m a super diamond butthole member and that price is still high.

Me: Yes sir but it is a holiday weekend and those are the rates.That is the best rate.

RD: Fine we’ll take it.

And I give them one of my favorite DK’s and send them on their way.

He comes back awhile later and steps in front of another customer that I’m currently helping and starts in again.

RD: That room is out in the middle of nowhere, is that really the best rate you can give me for that room?

Me: Sir I’m currently assisting this guest, but to answer your question, yes.

So I return to helping my other guest and he stands there tapping his foot like I’m going to suddenly give him a better rate when at this point I just want to raise his rate.

After I give the other guest their keys and wish them a good night, Rich Dude starts up again.

RD: If you can’t give me a better rate, I need more towels. Go get them for me.

Without breaking eye contact I just reach over for my walkie talkie and call my houseman and ask him to take towels to this room, since I know he’s up there anyway. Rich Dude threw up his hands and walked away.

Bitch I’m not going to leave my desk to personally get you some towels, go take your sourpuss cheap ass back up to your room. Maybe I put you in the middle of nowhere because I don’t want to see your bitchy face for the rest of the night. Be gone.

la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

the stay from hell

So over the weekend I went on a trip to another part of my state and stayed in what is supposed to be a 4 star hotels. Like they’re supposed to be better than the Hotels I’ve worked in and stayed at.

It wasn’t even close.

Check in time at this hotel is 3pm and we arrived at 6:30pm to tell me that they had extended a flight crews stay time because their flight plans had changed. Oh okay. No problem I smile and say lets do the paper work and we’ll figure something out to kill some time.

Person at the desk offers us a voucher for dinner and two drinks from the bar and I was like “Super cool! Let’s do that, thank you!” and because I was happy with this compromise, they threw in our parking too. (I was actually kinda like “wut” about having to pay to park because this was just a regular old lot, no valet, which we never use anyway but the other 4 star we stayed at similar to this one didn’t charge for parking, okay whatever, not a big deal)

We go to the bar and it takes us the hour or so they told us it would take to get a clean room to even get our food and drinks. And the food voucher doesn’t go very far, like you know hotel food is expensive but that’s okay! We’ll have a room soon and can go out for a proper meal.

We finish eating. It is now 1 1/2 hours after our arrival, which was 2 1/2 hours after check in time. I go back to the counter to see what was going on because my husband really didn’t want to order anymore drinks. We are told it will be another 30 minutes.

By a little after 9pm we finally get a room. And it’s got to be the most ridiculous room I’ve ever seen. Like I’m pretty sure it used to be an ADA but there is no way anyone with a wheel chair can get in here. There is a HUGE armoire instead of a regular closet, a king bed, huge table that the tv was on, the mini fridge, an ottoman and then this massive desk and a lounge chair and additional ottoman. Like this was just the room they threw furniture at. We had two towels and the toilet paper rack was already broken when we arrived. The shower was wet inside (I assumed from cleaning) and the detachable showerhead was bent.

My husband pulled back the covers on the bed and it was full of long black hair. I counted about 15 before I gave up. I have short brown hair, my husband shaves his head. We’d also been in the room for about 4 minutes.

I let them know about the toilet paper thing because I didn’t want to get charged for it and the hair. The guy at the desk dutifully handed me some complimentary breakfast tickets and said there wasn’t anyone to clean my room further and that “maybe” someone would come in and fix the toilet paper dispenser that night.

My husband and I go out to get drinks else where and when we got back there were suddenly two toilet paper dispensers in our room, meaning it was even more broken than I had thought.

My friend who was also staying with us arrived late in the night. I should point out that I did request a 2q bed but you all know what it’s like traveling as an employee sometimes. We would make due, I didn’t even bother asking for a rollaway because seriously we would have died in a fire in this overly furnished room that was clearly made to be a single Q room or a real life storage closet. Like nothing matched or made sense. We were all so tired we put the DND up and passed out.

So at 8am housekeeping is banging on our door even though there is a sign up. And trying to get into my room which I put the bolt on. I got up and let housekeeper number one know we’d be staying the night and would like stayover service but LATER. Around this time my friend gets up to use the bathroom and both toilet paper dispensers fall off the wall again. Like she was just pulled slightly to blow her nose since we weren’t given kleenex either and bam both of them go in the floor. She also notices around this time there is also a faded blood stain on her pillow and snot on another one. And oh look two lottery scratchers in the bed.

So when we go down to breakfast I made the very reasonable request to be moved or at very least have some of the charges reduced. I was told we couldn’t be moved and I shrugged and said okay and then the FDA said “And I never discount employees. Ever.” Okay cool.

While we’re eating breakfast she comes over and grabs me by the shoulder to get my attention and says “I miiiiiiiiight be able to move you. Come back after 2pm.” Which seems like she was being nice but touching me was inappropriate. I’d never touch a guest but that’s just me.

Around 3 we got back from all our various running around and I went to inquire about the other room being available because we needed to start getting ready for the thing we were in town for. Nope no room move. Desk clerk who had no knowledge that their 7-3 had offered to move my room dutifully offers us two drink tickets. Our room had also still not been cleaned.

We go out to the show and come back and at some point my husband was already upstairs in bed when I went out with my friend so she could smoke a cigarette and we could visit with another friend who was staying in another room. The security guard hung out with us while he was trying to keep an eye on these crazy German women trying to open a bottle of wine with a boot. My friend wanted to stay up later so I went in to get another key so I could go to bed. Turns out I got my new key from the manager. He asked how my stay was and I told him and he was like “Oh my god you had me at the 9pm check in, I’m comping you a nights stay.” And we chatted for a bit and I went to bed.

In the morning house keeping tried again to barge into our room 4 more times. Also the day before maitenance had come into our room while my friend was napping and didn’t even knock first. My friend and my husband were so fed up that they actually looked under the mattress. We had bed bug shells under the mattress, more lottery tickets and silverfish and more bed bug shells behind the headboard.

I still cleaned up the room, stripped the bed, made it as easy as possible for housekeeping to clean our room but when we went to check out the clerk pulled up my folio and was going to charge me for the room the manager said to comp and my friend pulled out the photo of the bug shells and our room got comped. He also made a big deal about taking our room keys back at check out, everyone knows they don’t give a shit if you walk off with a room key.

It’s really disheartening to see a hotel like this one with such bad service. I probably would have just let it go but my husband and my friend are not employees. Just me. And I was completely nice to every one we encountered. The only thing we didn’t do that we normally do is leave a tip for housekeeping or a nice note.

I appreciated the comps for drinks. We tipped everyone at breakfast and at the bar. I said please and thank you to everyone who worked there including the woman who grabbed me. We weren’t loud or unruly. We didn’t lie about how many people were in the room.

At some point this had to have been a nice hotel but wow.

Honestly the best thing I can do is appreciate that I work with a staff that has better people skills and a housekeeping crew that cleans the damn rooms, and not fill out an Amelia Bedilia which is normally the first thing I do when I get home.

people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

desk to desk, heart to heart

I am a bad FDA. I forgot to call the desk at the hotel we’re staying at tonight until this morning.

Back story, I have a segmented reservation. I didn’t intend to go to my destination until tomorrow but then I realized I could get a room at my rate tonight to reduce some traveling stress for my husband so we have two reservations.

I called down to 4 star Airport Hotel this morning and got a lovely lady we’ll call Cathy on the phone.

Cathy: Thank You for calling 4 Star Airport Hotel!

Me: Hi Cathy are you the desk at the hotel or central reservations because I am super stupid and forgot to call until today to give a heads up about my reservation.

Cathy cracks up already and assures me she is at the desk in 4 Star Airport Hotel. I have always liked the people at 4 Star Airport Hotels which is why I always stay at them when I travel.

Me: So I have a segmented reservation and I just wanted to let you know we can stay in the same room both nights if its possible, if not move us. We’ll stay in the handicapped room, the one with a view of a wall, next to the elevator, we absolutely don’t care, put us in the broom closet.

By this time Cathy is laughing too hard and then says “Don’t tempt me I’ve always wanted to throw a roll away into the closet and tell people it’s a room.”

And now I’m laughing my ass off and also apologizing for not calling sooner and of course letting her know we won’t be early and that we actually do not care which room we get.

Cathy says quite seriously “No seriously thank you for giving us a call. I see your two reservations here and I’ll do my best not to put you somewhere shitty. OOps. wait I shouldn’t have said that but you sound like one of us.”

Me: I am. And I hope I get to meet you this weekend. Thanks lady.

There you go. A happy tale from the desk.