how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · third party bookings

the three unwise men

Yesterday we didn’t have anyone too crazy at the desk just some odd interactions with people that I am not sure should be allowed outside on their own. I dub them in the name of Holiday Cheer, the Three Unwise Men.

1-Mr Tinfoil Hat- This guy came to us from the midwest and he already had my “shithead” radar going the minute he walked in. I thought people from the midwest of the USA were supposed to be polite or at least fake polite but this guy came slamming in, slamming his shit down on the floor and counter and looks at my coworker and says “MY WIFE MADE MY RESERVATION YOU SHOULD HAVE IT”

No name. Didn’t even have his ID out. I would have just stared at him blinking like a cat until he supplied me the information. My coworker is nicer than me somehow and asked for his ID and credit card which of course was slammed down on the counter. I’m starting to twitch so I step over to help make the keys and try to get this guy to stop being so rude. I offered him a fresh (no shit 5 minutes old) baked cookie and instead of saying “no thank you” he said “No I didn’t ask for a cookie.”

Okayeee. So he’s filling out the check in slip and gets all butthurt that his address is on the check in slip. Or rather an address that he willingly gave us when he signed up for the rewards club and he no longer lives at. He started in on how all us hotels sell the data we collect and when I said “Sir we only have your address in the event you leave something at the hotel. That is the extent of the front desk’s interest in you address.” He decided then to tell me more about stolen identities or aliens or something. I stopped listening and only rejoined the shit show when he asked for a steak house. I pointed out that we are near two steak houses, one with animal heads on the wall and one that looks like if the inside of the pirates of the carribean was entirely pink, its actually pretty famous.

Tin Foil Hat Man looked at me and said “I saw that…. pink place on the way in and it looks like one of them places those funny men hang out in, no thank you.”

Sorry you hate comedians… wait… that’s not what you meant. Please go away now.

2-Stereotypical NorthState Hipster- I used to live in the city this guy was checking in from so I commented on it, because the street he lived on was really close to my old apartment. Don’t want to say this guy was high out of his mind but he was high out of his mind. He kept asking me questions over and over after I answered him. Keeping eye contact with him was impossible because he was fascinated by all the bright shiny shit in our lobby and then managed to lock himself out of his room in a record four minutes. As I was rekeying new keys to run over to him, he called and told me he figured out how to open the door finally so I had to explain that he still needed new keys now because he asked for new keys so the programming he had just used 30 seconds before didn’t work anymore. He said “Does that mean I need to go back into the hallway to wait?”

pokes self in the ear with a fork

3-The Major- I’m guessing this guest had social issues because he was just hovering really close to the counter where I was already helping a woman. She signed her slip and he was like at the counter next to her before I handed her the keys. Like he basically shoved her out of the way. Okaaayyye. The lady didn’t care she was just excited to go to the liquor store (I love geologists, all they want is a six pack of beer and their bed) so I didn’t say anything. The dude holds out his cards and I pull up his reservation to check him in and its a Third Party Reservation so I launch into the yes I see this is prepaid so we’ll only be running your card for inciden….


Me: Oh sir there is no difference to us as to who you make your reservation with, I was just explaining that our PMS system requires that we do an extra step in order to check you in…

Major: No I KNOW you treat third parties differently. I was a hospitality major.

Me: (then why the fuck did you book through them if you think we’re going to be shitheads to you for using one? You didn’t save any money because this week our rates are as good if not better than 3rd parties) Okay then sir here are your keys and let me grab you a map and show you where…


Me: Sir that room is our lounge so anyway here is a map of our property and the breakfast room is directly behind you outside…


Me: Sir the breakfast room is directly behind you OUTSIDE of that door and to the left in the building next door. So the best way to get to your room is…


Me: So you told me. Congratulations. Have a wonderful stay with us and please don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything else. Thank you bye bye.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · third party bookings · Uncategorized

The Psychoist Psychoshift

So I come in today for a 3-11 and IDK what the fuck had been going on all morning but everyone already seemed like they were in a shitty mood. Then I realize it’s that time of the month…. no not mine, time to turn in tax exempt forms for guests we don’t charge whatever tax it is to. And all the forms were fucked up, including one of mine because someone filed it instead of leaving it in the folio because the guest was still in house.

But immediately the first guests I had were jerks. I gave them a room and went through all the usual shit and they were like “Oh this no good! We demand 3rd floor. We demand 3rd floor this morning on the phone and they told us we have 3rd floor.”

Which is of course why they were pre-assigned a 2nd floor room. Because notes in the profile for these guests had no mention of this stupid 3rd floor room. I look in the system and what the fuck do you know even though it’s already check in we have a LARGE number of dirty rooms still. What the fuck housekeeping?

So I call housekeeping and they just hadn’t finished inspecting rooms yet. I look on the tape chart and see this room in the main building that is their room type and took off upstairs with my key and yep this fucking room is clean just not in the system yet. So I haul ass back down three flights of stairs and make these people new keys. Do I get a thank you? No. Just “Good.”

Cultural differences maybe? Fuck if I know. Not a good start to my day.

Anyway after that one of my bosses who’s been on vacation started in on tax forms and personal accountability and just the same shit she always says but it’s disheartening. Like no one ever says hey good way to handle that, and this comes into play in the rest of my shit show day. I’m looking at the numbers we have available and begging them to close off online reservations. When we have five rooms and people are constantly trying to move and I can’t keep up… like we’re gonna sell those rooms, relax, just take us off the internet for a few minutes so I can figure this shit out and throw the phone that won’t shut the fuck up out into the street and hope a large truck rolls over it.

And right as I’m saying this, my boss brings me a Hotel Tonight reservation.

Housekeeping leaves and we still have rooms marked as dirty. A tv breaks. Another cable box breaks. Another one.

In the middle of all this shit we get the “you guys are all managers and shouldn’t be asking me for my opinion on everything every minute” from the back office.

Okay great. Watch what happens when I do.

Hotel Tonight guy comes in. We’d blocked him into an HK because sorry when you book through Hotel Tonight we get to choose where you go. We don’t hate you or anything because its a relatively easy service to deal with on both ends. Those are just hard rooms to sell, so you get to reserve them for fuck all. And I go to check him in…. suddenly we have zero HK rooms.

Wait. What? We have no rooms. Except a deluxe room which I promise you we wouldn’t have sold to a walk up tonight and I am not going through walking a HT guest. Nope, too many people here, too much shit, not doing it.

If you’re curious, a Hotel Tonight reservation only works at the hotel you made it at. So if the hotel suddenly can’t house you? We get to find someone who can and then call the company and get you a new ghost card. This can take up to an hour sometimes. Bleh. Nope.

So I gave the guy the room. Single business traveler, he’ll be gone by 7am most likely. You know the guy, computer bag, small rolling luggage, wants a beer and to go to bed.

So I explain to HT guy what’s going on and he’s so Unicorny nice, he fucking tipped me five bucks for checking him in and making sure we had a room for him.

“I would have slept in the broom closet! Thank you!”

Awesome so my boss comes back from whatever she was doing and I said again “Seriously we need to close these rooms out, we have no more rooms.”

Boss starts getting heated because I hadn’t marked all the rooms clean yet and I said HK never said they were all clean and then she was like why didn’t I look at the housekeeping report? Ummm because it’s usually not in the drawer up front and we had all these rooms put back in order that were out of order, but guess who they forgot to tell?

So then I get “Communication is key! You need to communicate better.”

COMMUNICATE FUCKING WHAT? The rooms that EVERYONE kept taking out of order and not telling me or that they were back? That the rooms were all clean and no one fucking told me and I was running around afternoon to check because…. deep breath.

A few minutes later my boss comes out and says “oh I think HK did tell me the rooms were all clean, I guess I forgot to tell you.”

Enter the Parents From Hell. Parents from Hell joined us last night and the Dad is completely chill but his wife is so not. I can’t tell if her accent (very very very, how many more verys can I add here SHRILL British Accent) is what is making me flinch or just that she just asked so many questions. Any way they have two rooms and one is for their adult daughter. Wait for it, these rooms were reserved through Expedia of course. And they asked me if we could put them near each other when they checked in yesterday. I said sure but these room types, we don’t have any that close together. (This is important) I can put you on the same floor though. Okay cool off they go.

The Parents From Hell, who have been coming down and bossing me around about their daughter’s reservation over and over ask me if they can have a key to put some groceries into her room which one of my coworkers had thoughtfully switched someone out if so they could be across the hall from each other. I say sure because it’s actually their name on the reservation anyway, and they paid for it.

Phone rings and it’s the Parents From Hell calling from their daughter’s room and the mom is LIVID. I could hear her through the phone as my co-worker talked to her.


CO- Ma’am on your reservation it says 1 king and you signed the registration card.

Mom- That’s NOT going to be okay. My daughter needs a room with two queen beds.

CO- Ma’m we’re practically sold out and I am unsure if I can get that for you if want to remain in the same building as your daughter.


(no she didn’t. My other coworker trying to be nice even gave the daughter a nicer room. But hey how the hell was I supposed to know they’d moved her to a new room after I’d changed it for them in the first place? Oh right I’m a fortune teller and I know all…)

CO- She’s going to have to be on the other side of the building or take the other room you were just in.


CO- okay.

When the Dad came down he was all apologies of his wife’s behavior and thanked us for whatever the fuck we did by moving the daughter to a room with two beds.

Dad- “Don’t worry. And thank you, I don’t want to listen to this shit for the rest of my trip”

There was so much other shit I can’t even remember but it was literally the dumbest day. Many guests barking one word questions, wanting directions over and over including the girls who I checked in for their business trip and one was actually too dumb to differientiate the CITY MAP from the hotel map.

I’ll be me, she’ll be DG

DG”Gosh this hotel is really big” She says pointing at the city map.”Where are our rooms on this map”

Me: They’re over here where I circled on the HOTEL map

DG: but where are they on this map? Gosh this place is just so big.

Me: See this dot? This is THE HOTEL. The rest of this map is the entire city. Your rooms are inside this dot I drew to show you where the hotel is. On this map of the hotel your rooms are here.

DG: gosh but

Her friend finally came up and rescued me.

Tomorrow is my actual Friday and 8 hours stands between me and me visiting another property, All hail other hotel, you get to take care of me this weekend.

I forgot to mention I checked in our owners tonight. Guess who didn’t know who the fuck they were and asked for their credit card and id’s and was on the phone and three different computers trying to find this guest we did have to walk a place to stay?

I’m getting fired.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · third party bookings · Uncategorized

the shitacaine

So someone is smoking in my second floor indoor hallway. It’s California it’s illegal. I have one guest who we’re going to end up having to comp or some shit tomorrow who keeps complaining about smoke smell and I honestly can’t tell which room its coming from because I’m pretty sure some cheesedick is smoking in the fucking hallway. I am going to throw them the fuck out if I catch them. It’s bad enough when they smoke in their room but they’re smoking up other people’s rooms. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Oh I know, the entire nation of France is here right now and all of them are pissed off. You know why? Because ignores black out dates and our system didn’t take the reservations so we have all these people we’re trying to get ghost cards for and they’re literally coming in groups of 10. They put another family who paid for three rooms into two rooms and luckily that family was cool. We’ve had today shut off since LAST FUCKING YEAR. What the fuck, it’s not like we can just tell them to toddle on back over to France. Creative solutions and many stupid irritating phone calls were made and the (rightfully) pissy French Army is back in bed.

But then there was the Irish guy and his fucked up reservation. And the fucked up Dutch reservation. And basically I feel like the whole of Europe is here and they are all pissed off. Vouchers were supposed to be turned off and they weren’t and our system bounced some of them back. Fuck my life.

Room 2XX wanted to get in on the second floor action and call and complain that her room only showers and the bathtub part doesn’t work. How do I do this simple assed thing I do at home every day? I don’t know how the fuck do you do it when I’m not here to do tech support on a fucking shower? Want someone to come up and help you? No? Shit then just keep banging around until you most likely flood my second floor, maybe it will wash the smoke out from the smoking asshole we can’t seem to catch.

Then there is the phone:

Phone: Do you have any rooms for tonight?

Me: No we are completely sold out.

Phone:Do you have any rooms for tonight?

Me: No we are completely sold out.

Wash, Rinse, Wipe hands on pants. #pleasekillme

Phone: Do you have any rooms for Saturday night? (This phone call sounded like it was coming from inside of blender or you know the fairgrounds)

Me: Yes but there is a 2 night minimum so you will have to book for Friday / Saturday or Saturday/ Sunday

Phone: What are the rates?

Me: *I paraphrase* Four arms and eight legs sir.

Phone: That’s the best you can do?

Me: Yes.

Same dude called back 4 minutes later and tried to get my coworker to give him a better rate. No.

I work a turn around tonight too, so I get to deal with all these people again tomorrow.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal · sold out! · third party bookings · Uncategorized

who does that?!?

We had a family come for early check in. Okay we had like 900 families come for early check ins but this one took the fucking cake.

We told them we were still cleaning rooms and could process their check in and when the room was ready in about 20 minutes we’d give them the keys. They sat in our lobby for like 3 minutes and vanished and we assumed they’d gone to eat or they were in the bathroom.


They saw their room number and walked up to the room and the room was unlocked/propped open because we were working on an issue with it and they just walked in and started making themselves at home. They didn’t even have keys.

I’m pretty sure my maintenance guy was thinking about killing them. He was so pissed, rightfully so but it’s not like we gave them keys. We’re very close to selling out so we’re just trying to figure out where to put people and we specifically told these people we’d come over and bring them keys in about 20 minutes.

Holy fuck, who goes into a hotel room without keys?

So to keep my Mr Fix it from murdering someone, I just went running through that hallway on that floor until I found a clean room and stuffed this idiot family into that room with keys like a regular person would normally use to get into a room.

Like you’re checking in like three days early (sarcasm) and we were trying to do you a favor and you can’t listen to simple instructions…


Lady who is officially Super Butthole Snowflake status called four more times. Never got the answer she wanted because the rooms didn’t stop being sold out and we didn’t drop the two night minimum on another weekend she wanted to stay with us but you know Super Butthole Snowflake status, she doesn’t have to follow the rules. Let’s keep calling and see if someone says something different. We won’t. Stay two nights or shut the fuck up, I’m chasing some other lunatic around.

Don’t care, soul has died. Go stay in neighboring town like you threatened to. Sorry to the people who will deal with you.

The top off of the day was my lunatic Uber driver yelling at me about for the entire ride. Man I didn’t fucking yell at you for all the shitty creeps that have driven me or stalked me at my hotel. I hate these fucks at Booking too, shut the fuck up and drive. Oh and that light was red and we almost died.



how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · third party bookings · Uncategorized

my neck, my back, my shifts were back to back

So I did a turn around as a favor. I worked last night till 11 and came back at 7. Last night was an absolute shit show… things I got yelled at about included:

Hold music that comes on if I can’t get to the phone because I’m already on two lines.

*Something another hotel did to a guest. Like as in a hotel whom I’ve never worked for. *

Also I got dogged pretty hard in Spanish for not speaking Spanish. Oh honey I understand what you’re saying about La estúpida niña blanca Americana.

Room rates but that’s every day.


Credit card auths not working. That’s every day though.

Also I had an evening reception attendant drop an entire bottle of red wine and break it. My pants smelled like red wine and sadness by the time I finished helping her clean up so she could start reception on time. I ended up serving for her for awhile while she tried cleaning the wine out of her shirt and made sure the food she was carrying didn’t have glass in it.

I was picking glass out of my undershirt later.

My FDM of was annoyed because I was away from the desk during this but it was all hands on deck because a broken bottle is a big deal when housekeeping is already gone and the houseperson is out fighting whatever the hell is going on with toilets and tv’s and towels.

Anyway fast forward 8 hours later and I’m dragging my tired ass back to do it again, desperately wishing for a parrot to give breakfast directions to the guests who didn’t listen to me at all a few hours beforehand.

So everyone who’s done a turn around, already has heard the “do you live here” or “did you go home?” joke so we’ll fast forward to…

The special elite rewards member who shit the bed. He was very polite to let us know he had a “#2 bathroom issue” and might need us to strip the beds. Later he comes in and tells my partner and I that “I may have left something in the room but I’m not sure.” It took all I could to keep a straight face.  Like literally “no shit” in this situation.

Phones were stupid for most of the morning but my partner on today’s shift and I already decided if he’d do the accounting and gift cards and blocking arrivals, I’d check people out and answer the phone and sleep with my eyes open. It worked out.

God punch me in the face if I ever agree to a turn around again.

However I met a very nice Australian family who I ended up being to help out to get a room on the fly last night who thought we were “booming brilliant” and really enjoyed all the suggestions I gave them the night before for where to get a pint and food within falling distance of the hotel that they could also take their kids to. They thanked me so many times and really really loved their stay. I was able to help someone through a bunch of authorization problems with their stupid travel agency and the damn bank balanced on the first shot so it’s a win.

If you need me I’ll be in a coma until I get up to do it again tomorrow.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · third party bookings · Uncategorized

my third graduation weekend begins…

Come Sunday I am going to be a husk of an FDA.

Tomorrow I go in to open again. Tomorrow is the unofficial start of the weekend in the city where I work. Tomorrow is the unofficial start of alumni weekend for the college that’s about to make my life hell by graduating.

We are a 3-4 star hotel. Definitely top 10 in our city and we have nice rooms. It’s not the Ritz my bitches but it’s nice. Not sure if it’s 450 dollars a night two night minimum nice but I could literally Air B&B my laundry closet at my apartment for like 300 dollars, so charging almost 500 a night for a room isn’t that absurd.

But the people… the people have the whole city on double time. The bartenders in town are bracing for it. My waitress friends. Uber drivers. Everyone is getting ready. This city is about to explode… the nearest town to us is having a giant Fathers Day car show too that totally fucks up everything even when it’s not grad weekend. No idea why no one talked to anyone else but all of humanity is coming to live with me and the genderless personhood of the keys this weekend and they are paying out the asshole for it.

The phones have been ridiculous. People trying to get out of the two night minimum. People trying to get a rollaway in a 2Q. People pissed off that we don’t have suites, but they knew we didn’t when they made their reservations. People trying to make a reservation with one agent and cancel it with another. People making reservations through expedia and then calling to change it up when they straight up know that they can’t.

It’s gonna be a long weekend…

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · third party bookings · Uncategorized

the Scottish Broad

Yesterday a woman came to check in at my hotel traveling from Scottland, alone.

There was a reason for that. She was well….

I’ll be me. She’ll be Scottish Broad.

Me: Welcome to the (this place) Hotel, How can I help you today?

Scottish Broad: SCOTTISH BROAD!

Me: Yes, so you have a reservation.

SB: I’d better.

Me (in my head) Wouldn’t you want to be sure about this before leaving the country?: Well ma’am if I could just take a peek at your ID and credit card I can get started…


Her voice is like someone taking a piece of glass and running it over a cheese grater. With an accent. And when she said it was paid for, I knew… fucking Expedia.

Me: Yes ma’am I’m sure it is, but however I can’t check you in without looking at your ID just for your safety of course and this hotel requires an actual credit card on file in case of damages… (She starts to interrupt me, but never the less , I persisted) AND while I know YOU won’t damage the room we have for you, it’s hotel policy and I’m sure YOU understand, IT’S NOT PERSONAL.

SB reluctantly digs into her fanny pack and I finally pull up her reservation. Other than this is an Expedia reservation there is ZERO information on it otherwise. No requests. Nothing.

Me: Okay ma’am we have you in XXX and it’s over here and…

A shrill noise coming from SB interrupts me..


Me: Ma’am you didn’t speak to Central Reservations according to your reservation, your reservation was made through Expedia, who did not put in that request for you. And ma’am we are sold out of your room type and the room that was assigned to you is the last room of your room type that is available.

SB: Rubbish. Expedia IS Central Reservations.

Me (internally screaming, I am so glad insane Scottish woman that knows how my job works better than I do thinks that Expedia is our Central Reservations.): Ma’am for this room type this is the best I can do at this point, we are completely sold out and I do not have another room in YOUR ROOM TYPE at this moment.

SB: So I suppose I’ll have to complain DAILY, HOURLY EVEN until you can move me to the room that I requested and you blatantly refuse to give me.

Yes lady I am refusing to give you a room I don’t have. Please shut up. If my manager wasn’t here you’d be gone by now because you are going to be a giant pain in the ass for four fucking days and I am already tired of you.

Luckily my manager came out of his cave at this moment and looked it up and we ended up, upgrading this screechy woman to another room of a different type that she should have paid more for but because it’s not pet friendly we don’t get a lot of requests for. Scottish Broad glared at me and thanked the “nice boy in the tie” as she was bellowing into her cell phone on the way to her room for “doing his job”

Yo, hold my purse, Ima about to take my earrings off…