personal · Uncategorized

the attempted

Over the weekend someone tried to kill themselves in my hotel. Middle aged lady checked in and gave off weird vibes. I was off work so I didn’t see her.

Apparently she did something that made the cops come and they didn’t take her away. Instead they left her with us.

I was off this weekend but someone tried to kill themselves at my hotel this weekend.

The cops came back to check on her the next night and she had already tried. There was a lot. of. fucking. blood.

She had tried to die. We had to call in the Hazmat team. We had to think in terms of bio emergencies. This woman tried to die in our hotel and we’re thinking about how many bed sheets we have to burn.

When the police came back for her wellness check and found her the paramedics came and as far as I know she’s still alive. She didn’t want to be, but maybe she does now.

I hope.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

meet the xanax lady

So I don’t have time to write this whole story but I wanted to share with you the incident reports that built up around the Xanax lady.

Mrs Xanax in 2XX She may be having cognitive issues. She was unable to get herself to her room Thursday night. Uses mixed words in her speech that didn’t belong in the conversation. Helped her to her room. I believe she would’ve just sat outside all night.-Night Audit

Saturday morning 3;30am calls front desk saying she hasn’t been out of the room all day a wants someone to come walk her dog because she fell down. I offer to call 911 she said no…. at the sametime I was in the phone with guest in china when she called …after I finished with Mrs Liu a guest arriving today without ID. I called 2xx back but she on the phone…cant get through. Went to 2xx. The dog barks as you knock on the door. She can’t answer the door I had to come back to the lobby to get a key. Got inside she is laying on the floor in front of the TV stand. Said she cant get up and that she has been peeing on the floor all day. I told her everything will be fine I’m taking the dog out to potty. Whats the dogs name? I ask her. She forgot. then tells me Angel. I grab the dog head to the lobby and called 911. Angel the dog peed and pooped and was given water.

The fire department wanted to take her to the hospital but she declined.

They believe she is smoking Xanax atleast going through her belongings thats what they found.-NA

8:30am HK did a wellness check said guest seemed fine -Me

9:57am HK spoke to guest on the phone as guest is refusing service aside from 5 pillow cases. Janet says the guest sounds like she’s getting high again and wasn’t making a lot of sense on the phone. –Me

1:45p- HK had to let the guest back into her room, guest lost her keys and also forgot which room she was in. HK says she looked a little out of it and disheveled. Guest was at least walking her own dog –Me

2/3/18 3:30pm Guest got into her car lost control and it rolled into another guests car guest in Rm 24X. They exchanged insurance information, and Mr. Smushed Car took pictures. I authorized $275 over room and tax for any guest damages that might present themselves. Strong odor of urine coming from room 2XX . Maint. thinks damage has already been done. From what vie gathered HK feels the same way in regards to the room. –Front Desk Manager

2/3/18 5:00pm Mr. Smushed Car called police out to assist him with getting reimbursed for damages to his car. Before the officer left I insisted that Mrs Xanax rm 2XX leave on 2/4/18 (tomorrow) and told the officer we will not be extending her anymore. (To be clear Guest car is not running) The officer made it clear she is responsible for her car to be towed if she cannot get it running by tomorrow and she is not welcome here any longer . If she fails to leave by 2/4/18 she will be arrested for trespassing on private property- FDM

2/4/18 Day shift

Guest repeatedly told housekeeping and the desk she had until 5pm to get out. I informed her politely but firmly that I had strict instructions to call the police if she did not vacate her room by 12. She argued with me saying it was already noon. It was no, it was 11:15. At 11:45 I received a guest complaint that our guest in 2XX had locked her dog in the car with the windows up and the dog had been in the car for some time. I went out to check on the dog and 2XX came out and told me she was leaving. Maint. came out to meet me and had a conversation with her about how she needed to leave the grounds. She stated she had no one to pick her up and Maint. suggested she get an uber and told her that if her car wasn’t off the property by the end of the day it would be towed. I then had Maint. lock her out of her room.

Guest has wandered off somewhere with the dog but we will continue keeping an eye on her vehicle just to make sure it leaves the property and that she’s not trying to sleep in it or leaving her dog inside. –Me

4:00pm- Saw guests car was still in parking lot but it was being worked on by the guest in 2X1 who’s car she hit. Decided not to engage her and let her try to fix the car –Me

5:15pm- Guest in 2XX, her car and dog have left the property without police presence being required. I would personally blacklist her from staying with us again. -Me

la la la lobby time

can you just check out soon please

We have this older gentleman staying with us and man he complains a lot. The other day at check in he didn’t like the location of the HK we put him in and insisted he knew we had another one closer to the desk WHEN HE MADE HIS RESERVATIONS THREE WEEKS AGO.

Great homeboy, we totally aren’t going to keep any room vacant for three weeks waiting for your precious ass to arrive. You got an HK in the main building pretty close to the elevator and if you’re mad that the lobby doesn’t have any rooms right next to it, you’re staying at the wrong hotel buddy. The lobby here might as well be the basement.

Old Man has various other complaints and they’re all stupid nitpicky things that most people wouldn’t care about. Some random noises or that today isn’t bacon day at the breakfast and of course the breakfast room is too far from his room.

Also his various old man friends keep stopping by to try to see him and he’s never here and if he is here he doesn’t answer his phone. My boss made the mistake of trying to call his cell phone and now we’re this old fuck’s messenger service.

The door on his room doesn’t open fast enough. It’s hard to open because he has a cane. Blah blah blah.

Tonight he comes by the desk to check on a message my boss had left on his cell phone and when he walks up to the desk he says “So here’s a little tip for you for looking out for me.”


So he takes his balled up hand and puts it over the counter to hand me something. And I’m super surprised because this guy has been a huge pain in the ass and I was shocked he’d want to tip any of us.

He drops something in my hand and when I look down it’s a wadded up receipt and an empty pack of gum he wanted me to throw away behind the desk.

I can’t wait for him to check out.

how do you survive on your own · Uncategorized

hey who wants to call the cops?

Okay if you’re reading this and you’re homeless let’s just start with this: I feel for you. I feel for the reasons you’ve landed in this situation and if it were up to me I would move heaven and earth to help you get back on your feet or cure you of addiction or remind you that being a tourist homeless person (it’s a thing, trust me) isn’t all that cool. This isn’t about all homeless people.

This is about The King of Hobo Mountain.

My current property is built on a hill and is up against a natural area that I’m actually unsure who is in charge of it. Apparently though we have a major homeless encampment installed in our backyard by the dog park. Numerous complaints have been made about the King of Hobo Mountain… you see he has a stick. This stick is pretty threatening to someone who paid 200 dollars to stay in my hotel only to walk outside and shit there’s this weird looking dude with a stick, shaking it in the parking lot. Apparently there is also Milk Crate Thief Guy and a bunch of other bandits living all Hobo Fabulous up there.

Personally? I could give a shit. You want to live up on our hill and sometimes drop by and use the bathroom, whatever. But I’m sort of in charge of giving a shit about everyone else who stays with us and everyone who works with me so I have to care.

And I double have to care when people are jacking our outdoor power outlets to charge their phones. Like legit, if you want to charge your phone and I’m working? I’ll take it inside and charge it and bring it back to you in an hour because I can’t have you sitting around in my lobby, but you can’t hang out like some kind of Hobo Gremlin in my outer hallways shaking a stick and hovering over an outlet. That’s a huge no. You can’t do that.

But what you REALLY can’t do if you’re planning to join Milk Crate Fuckhead and Stick Man Douche Head (seriously dude, it’s a stick, stop, I have bear spray in my pocket, don’t try me, I have no soul anymore and I don’t care,) you can not damage the property that you are not a guest of. You can not kick through a locked gate so you can get to another spot to charge your phone. You broke my gate, you scared my guest, my houseperson doesn’t want to be there by herself and I am apparently not allowed to chase you around anymore because someone thinks Captain Stickface will murder me or carry me off into the hills to be his hobo bride so now I have to call the fucking cops.

I hate calling the cops. I’d rather do my taxes. But when I see your hobo ass and your stick or even hear you I have to call the cops. It’s my least favorite thing because then I have to file a stupid incident report that sounds stupid when you read it back: Stupid asshole who lives on our mountain and talks to Elvis through an empty bean can busted our gate down, scared the guests and you won’t let me chase them anymore so I had to call the cops. Please chain up the gate, thank you drive through.

I’m supposed to be afraid because I work at night. Often times alone and I am a woman and I am not very big. (Don’t worry various people have reminded me of this and that I am not bullet proof nor do I have super powers, in the last 12 hours. I am forbidden from chasing the stick idiot and crate head.)

But here’s the thing… I am afraid.

Not for me. I could give a shit, if I screw up chasing a crazy person so badly that I get the bad end of the stick, it’s my time to go.

I’m scared for the 99 rooms full of people that it is MY JOB to protect. I am scared for my coworkers  who are often minors or older ladies at night. It’s MY JOB to protect these people and make them feel safe and I actually take that seriously. You can threaten me, curse me out, cuss out my brand name, threaten to call corporate, I don’t give a shit, but if you pose a threat to my guests or my coworkers, you had better hope the cops get there before I beat the shit out of you with a walkie talkie or the phone or a keyboard or a raccoon, whatever the hell is handy.

Don’t break our shit, don’t bother my guests. If you want something 9 times out of 10 I’ll go get it for you if you’re not a dick. Hungry? Great we have food. Want some coffee? Cool wait outside. Want to use the bathroom? I’ll probably let you. Need your phone charged? I have a rapid charger and if we’re not busy I’ll go do it for you and bring it back. I’m good like that.

But do not fuck with the front desk lady. And stop making me call the cops too, I hate that shit.

how do you survive on your own · personal

28 days later

So today I come into work to find my coworker filling out an incident report about the horrible dog parents I haven’t even had time to tell you about when the phone rang and a guest called.

I have never heard anyone sound in more pain or so sick in my life. He wanted to change rooms and I asked why and he said “I seem to have messed the bed and I can’t stay in here. I’m sick. So sick.”

I figure dude has a hangover and maybe threw up in the bed. I find him a room across the hall from where he was staying and offer to bring him the keys. He asks for a few more minutes and he’ll let us know when we could go up.

When I get up there I open the new room first and turn the air on for him. When I’m hungover I like a cold dark room and I figured that’s what I was dealing with. When I knock on his door though I end up looking at someone straight from Night of the Living Dead.

And then there was the smell. I couldn’t tell what smelled worse the poop or the puke but this dude could barely walk. He grabbed the keys from me and said “and just move my stuff”

I felt bad for him so I opened the slider to the room and started moving his stuff while he just went into the room and passed out. I am so glad I grabbed gloves before I went up.

The smell was horrible.

I moved all of his things and asked him several times if he wanted me to call an ambulance or some one else to check on him. He says no.

I run downstairs, almost barf, wash my hands like three times and tell my manager what I saw. So we all go back up and examine the room. Puke all over the bathroom, blood, wet floor, shit in the bed, blood too.

We decide to try to talk to the guest again. Guest won’t answer the door. Guest won’t answer the phone so we used the master key to go back into the room and asked the guest again if he needed anything because now everyone (but me) is more concerned with the linens that are going to the incinerator than the guest. Guest again refuses medical help so we go downstairs to call a few other bosses to find out if we should call the ambulance anyway. This is not before moving two bottles of water to his bedside and uncapping them. We’re not doctors but we’re not monsters.

Our instructions were to check on him later in the day and if he hadn’t improved to call the hospital guest likes it or not. The guest kept saying he just had food poisoning and hey I’ve been sick before so whatever. I refuse medical attention all the time.

Later this evening I was rearranging the bookcase in the lobby when the guest walked in… Right as rain and very very embarrassed and very grateful to me and my co-workers for taking care of him.

“You saw me at my bloody worst and I was horrible to you ordering you around but I felt so awful.” he says

Me: We’ve all been sick sir, its my pleasure to help you out.

Him: I’m so fucking embarrassed you were all so kind.

Me: Sir I’m just glad to see you up and around, I’m just glad you feel better, can I do anything else for you? Do you need anything from the kitchen?

Him: I just really wanted to thank you for genuinely caring about my while I was ill. Really. You were the most kind. I won’t forget this.

I didn’t know what else to say so I gave him directions to the drug store and texted my boss to let him know that our zombie guest was fine.


Public Service Annoucement

So It does appear that a large portion of Santa Barbara county has fallen into the ocean and the 101 freeway north and south is closed for a few days. I can guide you north and sort of give you a choose your own adventure version of going south I’ve been doing this for my guests for the last couple of days so let my stupid So Cal ass help you.



So your ass’s best bet is just taking the I5 and then resorting to the other directions I am about to give you BUT if you are like me and some how always find yourself on the 101 too stuck in traffic to make a good decision here’s how we go around.


From the 101 CA North in the Ventura area you are going to want to take HWY 126 East towards Valenica/Magic Mnt/Santa Paula. Don’t trip, there are many places to stop.

At the junction at 126 East you are going to join in on Interstate 5 North. You will now go through the grapevine. Hopefully it is not snowing. Just pull over in Gorman if it is.

When you get to the bottom of the hill high five your passengers and decide….


Do I want to take the 166 West towards Taft/Maricopa/ Santa Maria? You can. What you could run into again is some weather stuff and if the weather is as bad as the news makes it to be, that could be dangerous. Cal Trans is currently warning against that at the moment because people unfamiliar with the road are causing huge accidents.

Or you can blast on up the I5 to the exit for HWY 46. It’s going to mention Lost Hills and Paso Robles. IF you have been in the car this long at this point, pick a truck stop and pee.


46 West from the I5 has done some dope construction. It’s bigger and wider and easier. Get up on there and haul ass.


When you reunite with the 101 it will be in Paso Robles. If you intend to go to SLO, go on the south off ramp. Take that about 30 miles and don’t trip.


Dive safe

la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

crazy cat banshee bitch lady

I worked a back to back today. Off at 11 last night and in at 8 this morning. I figured it was going to be a shit show with a bunch of fire evacuees and the Big University Winter Graduation and a wedding. I was not prepared for what I ran into.

First thing this morning I find out is so many people were extending that we had already to decide we’re sold out. We thought this would fix everything. Nope.

1-Crazy Cat Banshee Bitch lady. She came down last night and expressed to me she was thinkingabout extending her stay. I’ll be me and she’ll be CCBB.

Me: Ma’am I do suggest if you think you are going to extend, at this point I would just go ahead and do it now, and if you decide to leave in the morning I can just readjust your stay, no charge. I’ll be here in the morning.

CCBB: I must discuss this with my family. I will get back to you.

If she had a Cruella DeVille cloak she would have swooped it. Off she goes to murder puppies and never to be seen again until…

This morning CCBB comes down asking for the extensions on HER rooms. These are HER ROOMS. Lady you never came back during my shift, at least two other people have been at the desk since I walked away last night.


(I wish the above was a paraphrase, it’s not, it’s in my incident report.)

Me: Ma’am I will do the best I can to take care of you but several other people have also asked to extend their stays and…


Me: Ma’am I’m doing the best I can please lower your voice and I will keep working on moving you…


Me: MA’AM! I haven’t kicked anyone out YET. Please lower your voice and allow me a few moments to work on your stay, I will do my best but I need you to calm down.


She slams down a bag and walks off to yell at someone else on her phone.

The bag she slammed down apparently had a passenger.

Bag: Meow?

As we labor over figuring where to put her three rooms without displacing her elderly mother Bag keeps meowing.

Bag: Meow?

Bag: MEOW?


Bag: shits

Great so I now have cat shit in my lobby and a crazy lady.

I honestly felt for her at first. I get it, her house is on fire. But no matter how much I fucking curse, you don’t do it in my lobby. Other guests complained and I kept telling my partner, that we should let them go.

But by the power of team work we got them into two more rooms somehow and afterwards, the phone rings. It’s CCBB DEMANDING I move her luggage. Me, personally.

I am a pineapple. I wear a crown, I stand tall, I am sweet on the inside

So I grab a luggage cart and go up to the 3rd floor to be intercepted by houseman and maintenance. Maintenance is a tough looking dude but he’s nicer than hell and we all love him. He takes the cart from me and goes to deal with CCBB. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting him. I don’t care.

In the midst of all this the caretaker for the elderly mother in the group comes down and ass for directions to a pharmacy and when she got back she stopped to thank me by name for understanding she was lost and also just being so gracious and nice through everything.

Nurse: You don’t know it darling but you have a gift at reading people and anticipating their needs and you are gracious even when people are hassling you. It might not seem like much to some people but you should be proud.

And this is the only time today I cried.