la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

somehow this wasn’t human trafficking

Okay the guests have finally fucking done it, I have no words…

9:30am on a holiday weekend-

Guest: I know we’re early but can we check in?

Me: Let me have a look at that for you, what’s the last name on the reservation?

Guest: Ha ha ha I just spent five hours in the car with this woman and I don’t even know her last name… ha ha ha.

Me:….

Guest: she’s in the bathroom!

Female guest comes out of the bathroom, doesn’t seem upset or kidnapped or anything and hands me her ID and credit card. She pulls out her cell phone too and he is looking over her shoulder and this happens

Male Guest: Oh shit are those your kids? (looks at me) Can you believe this? 5 hours in the car and I didn’t know this!

Female guest: *giggles and hands me her cell phone to look at the reservation* It’s in Korean though!

It was in Korean.

I have no idea what the fuck I just watched happen but it’s truly the weirdest check in I’ve had since the chicken suit dude.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

your wifi is broken

Guest on phone: Your wifi doesn’t work. I put in the password and it doesn’t work.

Me: the password is ****** and is printed on the key envelope.

GOP: It doesn’t work.

Me: Is this a laptop or a cell phone.

(trust me this is important actually, it can determine how I have to “fix” the problem.)

Guest on phone: *hangs up on me.*

Later…

Guest On Phone: HAVE YOU FIXED THE WIFI PASSWORD YET?

Me: Sir it is printed on your key envelope but it is still ******.

Guest: It’d doesn’t work. You are wrong.

Later….

Guest comes into lobby and thrusts phone at me.

Guest: YOU PUT THE PASSWORD IN YOU WILL SEE IT DOES NOT WORK.

Me: *in my sleep puts password in, phone connects to the wifi* Here you go sir, have a good night.

Guest: YOU DID A TRICK! You changed the password before I came down.

Me: *gets out an another key envelope with the same wifi code stamped on it, draws a box around the code like I do at every check in* The code is here, ****8

Guest’s wife: I kept telling you that last number wasn’t a B but you don’t listen.

Me: Thank you, have a good night!

guest post · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

I hate morning shifts

I hate working mornings part 208427:

Guest walks up to the desk.

Me: Good morning! How can I help you?

Guest: (drops keys and a general pile of paper garbage on my desk and starts to walk off)

Me: I guess you’re checking out then! WONDERFUL! I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

Guest: (turns around and looks at me and either waves or does the begone hand flip)

Me: THANK YOU BYE BYE NOW.

 

Morning shift fun continues. Had some dude walk up to the desk a few minutes ago and before I could even “Hi How Can I help you?!”

Guest: DO YOU HAVE A RECEIPT FOR ME?

Now before I continue during the morning shift, this could be a vendor, this could be a guest, I have no idea.

Me: I’m sorry sir, what are you looking for a receipt for?

Guest: My room. Are you deaf?

Me: And what room were we staying in last night sir?

Guest: My room.

Me: Yes sir I understand that, but what was the number on YOUR room?

Guest: *shouts his last name at me*

I give up at this point, this bro is rude and clearly isn’t going to do anything I ask at this point so I go the long way around and figure out what room he was in without his help. I print his receipt out and hand him one to sign.

Guest: I’m not signing anything.

Me: Yes. You. Are. Please. Sign. This. And. I. Will. Give. You. A. Copy. For. Your. Records.

Guest: (cusses a bunch under his breath) scribbles something on a piece of paper and holds his hand out for the receipt that i give him.

Guest: I can’t believe I have to sign my name, you already know my name.

Me: Thank you bye bye now.

HOW DO YOU SURVIVE ON YOUR OWN?!?!?!?

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

But my daddy said

Last night I had this 20 year old kid check in as a walk in. He seemed nice at check in, called me ma’am and all that jazz. I sent him and his girlfriend up to a room and honestly didn’t expect to hear from them again for the night. They were on their way back to an area of my state that is currently kind of flooded so I didn’t imagine I’d get this call around 8pm, approximately 2 hours after they checked in:

Phone: Ma’am I need you to send someone up here right away, I don’t feel safe in this room.

Me: I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem, I can have someone up there in the next 3 minus…

Phone: No ma’am you’re not listening to me, I need someone to inspect every corner of this room, y’all have bed bugs.

(sidebar) the words BED BUGS are like saying any slur you can think of at a hotel. And we don’t have bed bugs by the way unless we got them in the last 28 hours since the bug man came…

Me: Okay well I’d be happy to move you to another room sir and…

Phone: Look my daddy said I need to take pictures of this whole ass room and they’ll decided what they’re going to about this.

Me: Sir I can’t do anything about having someone come up to your room if I’m on the phone….

Phone: MY PARENTS SAID THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE ACTION AGAINST THIS HOTEL UNLES…

Me: Sir, if you would just hang up the phone and come down to the lobby I can let you check out free of charge. It’s not a refund because you haven’t been charged yet. Do you want to wait for a staff member to check the room or…

Phone: My daddy said not to discuss this with you.

Me: I’ll see you in the lobby sir.

As they were only in the room two hours tops and I really wanted head of housekeeping to look at it, I went ahead and checked them out free of charge and put the room out of order. During the entire check out process Little Lord Daddy’s boy talked on his phone to college project partners, his mother who was buying him a suit and I assume Daddy.

My night time houseperson looked at the room and took video and photos.

There wasn’t any evidence of bed bugs, or bugs of any kind. Just hair, from the head of Daddy’s favorite son.

My theory is the kid had a credit card that his parents pay for and they saw the authorization and demanded the kid get out of his 160 dollar room and get his butt home to the city that’s just an hour away.

20 years old and telling me what his daddy said… Okay then. That’s not weird.

people on the phone · Uncategorized

phone calls

Me: thank you for calling blah blah blah

Phone: How much is your cheapest motel?

Me: (not knowing if he thinks he called central reservations or a real estate office) I’m sorry could you repeat that?

Phone: (in a long sarcastic rude voice) HOW MUCH IS YOUR CHEAPEST MOTEL?

Me: Are you inquiring about a room at our property in City of Pineapple?

Phone: JESUS ARE YOU THAT DENSE?

Me: I’m sorry sir, we’re refusing service to you, no matter what you’re inquiring about. *slams down phone*

After I relay this story to my boss here was her response-

Boss: Was his name Richard? Next time tell him it’s 80 million dollars and then hang up on him.

This is why I work here. I’m still so mad that I’m shaking but I did laugh a little after she said that.

la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

That new wet dog smell

*this post is a few weeks old but considering the weather last night, I thought I’d share it here*

A few months ago the owner of our property bought a 5000 dollar Persian rug for the lobby. It’s a beautiful rug but this is a pet friendly hotel and everyone was sort of taking bets on as to how long it would take for a dog to shit or piss on the rug during the check in process. There are so many other things I can see spending 5k on for the hotel than this rug that is most likely going to get shit on, but I just work here and watch people wipe their feet on the damn thing all day, how do I know anything about what goes on in my lobby?

Last night there was a HUGE storm in our city. I’m talking buckets and buckets buckets of rain, severe wind, like the rain was insane. I got off at 11 and went home, and I found myself going outside of the apartment a few times thinking people were throwing rocks at our car or windows, it was that bad out.

Back at the Hotel though my Night Auditor had a much more interesting evening as our entire lobby began to flood around 2:45 in the morning. Water was coming in from the flower beds flooding, through the kitchen door area from more flower bed flooding, like there was a rise in the water outside that was easily ankle deep and every time the door opened more would come into our lobby, lounge and kitchen. But most importantly the lobby, home of the 5000 dollar rug was completely flooded.

This morning everyone had to help roll up the 5000 dollar Persian rug we have that weighs a ton and had to help bail out gallons of water this morning. I have never been so glad to work 3-11 in my life even though there’s a big country concert (yeehaw!) happening next door and we are incredibly full and I’m by myself tonight.

I may have been stuck on 3-11 for the last 3 1/2 months due to being short staffed and one of my coworkers taking night classes but at least I didn’t have to fuck with the rug and the wet dog smell this morning.

RIP esteemed co-workers, I loved you while you were here. #fuckthisdesk

la la la lobby time · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

YAY IT’S TUESDAY

I can’t even wrap my mind about what happened today so here is our incident report.


INCIDENT REPORT GUEST 3XXX – 6.11.18 -6.12.18
—Do not extenddddddddd-
1 AM- He came in the lobby and said he was coming to meet up with Panda and or The Queen…said he was supose to out with Panda. He got coffee rattled off a milllion words then tried to extened. I said I was unable to do that.- NA
-3:30 am- looks like there is more than one person.
-4:30am they are not sleeping. He came in and asked if Panda was working today. I said I do not know. The extra person in the room has a Local Plate Frame. Are these people are locals? They unloaded belongings from the car then moved and parked it behind the breakfast room for no reason. The plate number is XXXXXXXXX. Its a red Escalade.
-5am the Escalade is moved again.
-6:30am came in and asked again for Panda and The Queen.
-7:10am guest is in the hot tub some how. Am waiting for THE AVENGERS to arrive to kick him out. Neither Panda or I agreed to hang out with this guest last night. Guest was annoying in lobby- is here on a cc auth- irritated Bartender as well. Probably hung out in the lobby until about 7:30p Guest mentioned he had been kicked out of a few other hotels including the Ghost Hotel. -Me
-8:13a- Spoke with the Ghost Hotel- they confirmed that this guest harassed both staff and guests while on property and they have him on the DNR. Guest has been by the desk to try to friend me on Facebook and asked to email me a poem? Asked how my night with my husband was? Have been informed that he also was annoying the breakfast staff. THE AVENGERS will come down when I inform him that he can not extend and needs to go elsewhere. Would reccomend putting this guest on the DNR. –Me
-9:00a- Guest told Houseman he kills people for a living. He works for Trump and answers only to Trump and is part of some mafia. Non Emergency Police contacted to evict guest. Guests credit card went through however. Guest was to be informed by police that he is not welcome to return to the property at any time or he would be arrested for trespassing. -Me
10:00a- Housekeeping goes into room and finds a left over backpack and glass pipe and assorted pills and what is most likely meth in room. -Me
And this was my Monday/Tuesday and Graduation hell weekend is on it’s way…..
personal · Uncategorized

the attempted

Over the weekend someone tried to kill themselves in my hotel. Middle aged lady checked in and gave off weird vibes. I was off work so I didn’t see her.

Apparently she did something that made the cops come and they didn’t take her away. Instead they left her with us.

I was off this weekend but someone tried to kill themselves at my hotel this weekend.

The cops came back to check on her the next night and she had already tried. There was a lot. of. fucking. blood.

She had tried to die. We had to call in the Hazmat team. We had to think in terms of bio emergencies. This woman tried to die in our hotel and we’re thinking about how many bed sheets we have to burn.

When the police came back for her wellness check and found her the paramedics came and as far as I know she’s still alive. She didn’t want to be, but maybe she does now.

I hope.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

meet the xanax lady

So I don’t have time to write this whole story but I wanted to share with you the incident reports that built up around the Xanax lady.


Mrs Xanax in 2XX She may be having cognitive issues. She was unable to get herself to her room Thursday night. Uses mixed words in her speech that didn’t belong in the conversation. Helped her to her room. I believe she would’ve just sat outside all night.-Night Audit

Saturday morning 3;30am calls front desk saying she hasn’t been out of the room all day a wants someone to come walk her dog because she fell down. I offer to call 911 she said no…. at the sametime I was in the phone with guest in china when she called …after I finished with Mrs Liu a guest arriving today without ID. I called 2xx back but she on the phone…cant get through. Went to 2xx. The dog barks as you knock on the door. She can’t answer the door I had to come back to the lobby to get a key. Got inside she is laying on the floor in front of the TV stand. Said she cant get up and that she has been peeing on the floor all day. I told her everything will be fine I’m taking the dog out to potty. Whats the dogs name? I ask her. She forgot. then tells me Angel. I grab the dog head to the lobby and called 911. Angel the dog peed and pooped and was given water.

The fire department wanted to take her to the hospital but she declined.

They believe she is smoking Xanax atleast going through her belongings thats what they found.-NA

8:30am HK did a wellness check said guest seemed fine -Me

9:57am HK spoke to guest on the phone as guest is refusing service aside from 5 pillow cases. Janet says the guest sounds like she’s getting high again and wasn’t making a lot of sense on the phone. –Me

1:45p- HK had to let the guest back into her room, guest lost her keys and also forgot which room she was in. HK says she looked a little out of it and disheveled. Guest was at least walking her own dog –Me

2/3/18 3:30pm Guest got into her car lost control and it rolled into another guests car guest in Rm 24X. They exchanged insurance information, and Mr. Smushed Car took pictures. I authorized $275 over room and tax for any guest damages that might present themselves. Strong odor of urine coming from room 2XX . Maint. thinks damage has already been done. From what vie gathered HK feels the same way in regards to the room. –Front Desk Manager

2/3/18 5:00pm Mr. Smushed Car called police out to assist him with getting reimbursed for damages to his car. Before the officer left I insisted that Mrs Xanax rm 2XX leave on 2/4/18 (tomorrow) and told the officer we will not be extending her anymore. (To be clear Guest car is not running) The officer made it clear she is responsible for her car to be towed if she cannot get it running by tomorrow and she is not welcome here any longer . If she fails to leave by 2/4/18 she will be arrested for trespassing on private property- FDM

2/4/18 Day shift

Guest repeatedly told housekeeping and the desk she had until 5pm to get out. I informed her politely but firmly that I had strict instructions to call the police if she did not vacate her room by 12. She argued with me saying it was already noon. It was no, it was 11:15. At 11:45 I received a guest complaint that our guest in 2XX had locked her dog in the car with the windows up and the dog had been in the car for some time. I went out to check on the dog and 2XX came out and told me she was leaving. Maint. came out to meet me and had a conversation with her about how she needed to leave the grounds. She stated she had no one to pick her up and Maint. suggested she get an uber and told her that if her car wasn’t off the property by the end of the day it would be towed. I then had Maint. lock her out of her room.

Guest has wandered off somewhere with the dog but we will continue keeping an eye on her vehicle just to make sure it leaves the property and that she’s not trying to sleep in it or leaving her dog inside. –Me

4:00pm- Saw guests car was still in parking lot but it was being worked on by the guest in 2X1 who’s car she hit. Decided not to engage her and let her try to fix the car –Me

5:15pm- Guest in 2XX, her car and dog have left the property without police presence being required. I would personally blacklist her from staying with us again. -Me

how do you survive on your own · Uncategorized

hey who wants to call the cops?

Okay if you’re reading this and you’re homeless let’s just start with this: I feel for you. I feel for the reasons you’ve landed in this situation and if it were up to me I would move heaven and earth to help you get back on your feet or cure you of addiction or remind you that being a tourist homeless person (it’s a thing, trust me) isn’t all that cool. This isn’t about all homeless people.

This is about The King of Hobo Mountain.

My current property is built on a hill and is up against a natural area that I’m actually unsure who is in charge of it. Apparently though we have a major homeless encampment installed in our backyard by the dog park. Numerous complaints have been made about the King of Hobo Mountain… you see he has a stick. This stick is pretty threatening to someone who paid 200 dollars to stay in my hotel only to walk outside and shit there’s this weird looking dude with a stick, shaking it in the parking lot. Apparently there is also Milk Crate Thief Guy and a bunch of other bandits living all Hobo Fabulous up there.

Personally? I could give a shit. You want to live up on our hill and sometimes drop by and use the bathroom, whatever. But I’m sort of in charge of giving a shit about everyone else who stays with us and everyone who works with me so I have to care.

And I double have to care when people are jacking our outdoor power outlets to charge their phones. Like legit, if you want to charge your phone and I’m working? I’ll take it inside and charge it and bring it back to you in an hour because I can’t have you sitting around in my lobby, but you can’t hang out like some kind of Hobo Gremlin in my outer hallways shaking a stick and hovering over an outlet. That’s a huge no. You can’t do that.

But what you REALLY can’t do if you’re planning to join Milk Crate Fuckhead and Stick Man Douche Head (seriously dude, it’s a stick, stop, I have bear spray in my pocket, don’t try me, I have no soul anymore and I don’t care,) you can not damage the property that you are not a guest of. You can not kick through a locked gate so you can get to another spot to charge your phone. You broke my gate, you scared my guest, my houseperson doesn’t want to be there by herself and I am apparently not allowed to chase you around anymore because someone thinks Captain Stickface will murder me or carry me off into the hills to be his hobo bride so now I have to call the fucking cops.

I hate calling the cops. I’d rather do my taxes. But when I see your hobo ass and your stick or even hear you I have to call the cops. It’s my least favorite thing because then I have to file a stupid incident report that sounds stupid when you read it back: Stupid asshole who lives on our mountain and talks to Elvis through an empty bean can busted our gate down, scared the guests and you won’t let me chase them anymore so I had to call the cops. Please chain up the gate, thank you drive through.

I’m supposed to be afraid because I work at night. Often times alone and I am a woman and I am not very big. (Don’t worry various people have reminded me of this and that I am not bullet proof nor do I have super powers, in the last 12 hours. I am forbidden from chasing the stick idiot and crate head.)

But here’s the thing… I am afraid.

Not for me. I could give a shit, if I screw up chasing a crazy person so badly that I get the bad end of the stick, it’s my time to go.

I’m scared for the 99 rooms full of people that it is MY JOB to protect. I am scared for my coworkers  who are often minors or older ladies at night. It’s MY JOB to protect these people and make them feel safe and I actually take that seriously. You can threaten me, curse me out, cuss out my brand name, threaten to call corporate, I don’t give a shit, but if you pose a threat to my guests or my coworkers, you had better hope the cops get there before I beat the shit out of you with a walkie talkie or the phone or a keyboard or a raccoon, whatever the hell is handy.

Don’t break our shit, don’t bother my guests. If you want something 9 times out of 10 I’ll go get it for you if you’re not a dick. Hungry? Great we have food. Want some coffee? Cool wait outside. Want to use the bathroom? I’ll probably let you. Need your phone charged? I have a rapid charger and if we’re not busy I’ll go do it for you and bring it back. I’m good like that.

But do not fuck with the front desk lady. And stop making me call the cops too, I hate that shit.