la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

crazy cat banshee bitch lady

I worked a back to back today. Off at 11 last night and in at 8 this morning. I figured it was going to be a shit show with a bunch of fire evacuees and the Big University Winter Graduation and a wedding. I was not prepared for what I ran into.

First thing this morning I find out is so many people were extending that we had already to decide we’re sold out. We thought this would fix everything. Nope.

1-Crazy Cat Banshee Bitch lady. She came down last night and expressed to me she was thinkingabout extending her stay. I’ll be me and she’ll be CCBB.

Me: Ma’am I do suggest if you think you are going to extend, at this point I would just go ahead and do it now, and if you decide to leave in the morning I can just readjust your stay, no charge. I’ll be here in the morning.

CCBB: I must discuss this with my family. I will get back to you.

If she had a Cruella DeVille cloak she would have swooped it. Off she goes to murder puppies and never to be seen again until…

This morning CCBB comes down asking for the extensions on HER rooms. These are HER ROOMS. Lady you never came back during my shift, at least two other people have been at the desk since I walked away last night.


(I wish the above was a paraphrase, it’s not, it’s in my incident report.)

Me: Ma’am I will do the best I can to take care of you but several other people have also asked to extend their stays and…


Me: Ma’am I’m doing the best I can please lower your voice and I will keep working on moving you…


Me: MA’AM! I haven’t kicked anyone out YET. Please lower your voice and allow me a few moments to work on your stay, I will do my best but I need you to calm down.


She slams down a bag and walks off to yell at someone else on her phone.

The bag she slammed down apparently had a passenger.

Bag: Meow?

As we labor over figuring where to put her three rooms without displacing her elderly mother Bag keeps meowing.

Bag: Meow?

Bag: MEOW?


Bag: shits

Great so I now have cat shit in my lobby and a crazy lady.

I honestly felt for her at first. I get it, her house is on fire. But no matter how much I fucking curse, you don’t do it in my lobby. Other guests complained and I kept telling my partner, that we should let them go.

But by the power of team work we got them into two more rooms somehow and afterwards, the phone rings. It’s CCBB DEMANDING I move her luggage. Me, personally.

I am a pineapple. I wear a crown, I stand tall, I am sweet on the inside

So I grab a luggage cart and go up to the 3rd floor to be intercepted by houseman and maintenance. Maintenance is a tough looking dude but he’s nicer than hell and we all love him. He takes the cart from me and goes to deal with CCBB. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting him. I don’t care.

In the midst of all this the caretaker for the elderly mother in the group comes down and ass for directions to a pharmacy and when she got back she stopped to thank me by name for understanding she was lost and also just being so gracious and nice through everything.

Nurse: You don’t know it darling but you have a gift at reading people and anticipating their needs and you are gracious even when people are hassling you. It might not seem like much to some people but you should be proud.

And this is the only time today I cried.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

diaper lady

A very pregnant fire evacuee checked into the hotel this afternoon with her two other kids. At check in she mentioned she was due really soon and may cancel tomorrow night in order to be closer to her own doctor when she gives birth. Understandable and we tell her it’s not a problem and think we aren’t going to see her for the rest of the night.

Wrong. She comes back down a few minutes ago and says “So I think I’m cancelling tomorrow night for sure.” We tell her it’s still okay and she shuffles off and does the most bizarre thing I can think of. This was my train of thought as I saw it happen…

Please explain to me lady why when you have a perfectly good hotel room that you’re paying through the nose for, that you are changing your bare assed baby on one of my lobby chairs? It definitely wasn’t because the baby was fussy about their diaper. If I hadn’t given you THE LOOK, you would have thrown that diaper in my lobby trash can or just left it where you were changing your baby. There is a bathroom literally 10 steps from where you decided to pull your kids ass out. Or you know that room you have. Just a suggestion.

I’m not unsympathetic to pregnancy brain or fire brain or whatever but our lobby chairs can’t be the best place to whip our your kids ass and change them. Especially when the room is less than 100 feet away.

After wiping baby ass all over my lobby and almost leaving the diaper where people sit down to enjoy happy hour during the week she comes back to the desk and says “Do you have any prettier rooms?”

I don’t even know what means. She’s in a standard QQ and none of our rooms are total dogs. She has a total of two children, two adults and a baby thats renting space at Hotel De Uterus with her and we’re sold out due to the fires so the only fancier room would be too small for her since it only has one bed and honestly its the same goddamned room just with 1 king inside of it.

She then says she wants to cancel tonights room too which would have been possible like 6 hours ago when we still had housekeeping on staff. She’s free to leave but she’s still getting charged.

I realize a baby being changed on lobby furniture isn’t the end of the world but babies have these things called “blowouts” where they literally shit up their backs and how am I supposed to know this isn’t one of those situation when I see a woman dangling her baby by its feet to wipe it’s ass?

la la la lobby time · personal · Uncategorized

the roof the roof wait no the state is on fire

So my state is on fire. We are outside of the currently burning zone but that can change at any moment. We have evacuees coming in left and right because…. we’re pet friendly.

Anyway the state is on fire and people are walking up or calling me wondering what would happen if they didn’t evacuate and once they realize someone on the other end of the phone cares about them, they calm down and listen to me.

I’m not that big of a bleeding heart but half of my fucking state is on fire and I have a pet friendly hotel list ready to go if we’re too expensive. You better believe I am hustling people into rooms as fast as I can.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t going to put this fucking fire out but I’ll be damned sure if you have to stay with me because your entire life is on fire? It’s gonna be stress free.

I can’t do much but I can at least try not to put you and your kitty by the ice machine.

la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

another tale from the other side of the desk

So my husband’s company put us up in a swanky hotel for the staff holiday party. The hotel isn’t far from our house but it’s right on the ocean and I haven’t stayed here so I was excited.

All in all its a pretty nice spot. We did end up in the “cheap seats” with a two queen room on the ground floor and no view, but its amazing because we have 10 pillows. Nice towels. Wifi is pretty good. The pool is epic. The view is amazing. Valet was free. Banquet food was good.

I do find myself watching intently how people are checked in at these higher end places when they don’t know I work in a hotel as well.

Things a normal guest would have bothered them for that they didn’t mention

– how the wifi works. There is no code and it’s easy enough to get on, but I think of my guests and how I would have ended up needing to go to their rooms to show them or something because I neglected to mention there was no password.

-There was no mention of check out time. It wasn’t on the check in slip either. I had to ask the bartender while we were having a drink after the Christmas party. Also not posted in the room or lobby.

-The gal at the desk also didn’t really tell us about what’s offered here, which I’d be tarred and feathered if I didn’t up sell all the shining glories of our property. (There aren’t many, but what we have is an outstanding breakfast and glorious 12n check out time, a fitness center, heated pool, etc) There’s a full on spa here, a fire pit, room service, beach access, etc etc.

-The incidental charge wasn’t mentioned at all. It’s not like we gave a shit but I can just imagine how shocked travelers who come here on a gift card or coupon are when they aren’t told “hey we’re charging you 100 for incidentals.” This place is nice but it’s not beyond coupons nice. So if my incidentals guess is correct,replacing a stolen bathrobe here costs 78 dollars. Having had enough guests lose their shit on me over 10 dollars because I bankrupted them while they stayed on a gift card for a 300 dollar night, I mention this shit to people.

I also don’t know if the water in the room is included but we clearly don’t give a shit.

All in all is always an experience to see how someone else handles the desk. We all hate our jobs some days but I don’t know about you, I still try to put my best foot forward even though we’re supposedly less nice than this hotel.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

drunky mcpukey man

So last night I finish my 3-11 and I’m chilling in the lobby talking to NA while I wait for my husband to pick me up when a car rolls up and my NA and I look at each other and go “be an uber, be an uber” because hey it’s 11 and we’re sold out and everyone was already in house.

Be careful what you wish for.

The Uber driver gets out and she’s a small college girl and I see her go around to the back and start trying to rouse a lump in the back seat. I look at NA and I’m like “This is going to be a problem.”

Girl finally gets dude in the back out and he immediately starts stumbling like he’s got vertigo and when I see him start to go down I just ran outside. Luckily he landed on his hands and was only spitting on my driveway. I tell the driver that I work at the hotel and will take care of him from there.

Drunky bounces back up and starts stumbling around and almost hits the dirt again and I catch him. I’m 5’2″ and 115 pounds and this dude is old enough to be someone’s dad and is around 6’4″. I start trying to guide him towards the lobby to sit down while trying to see if he can remember what room he’s in when he takes off running again and starts throwing up in our flowerbed.

He finally empties himself out and sits down on the curb but he’s starting to fall over. So I open the side door to our lobby and yell for my partner to come out and help me because if this guy passes out on the sidewalk I’m not going to be able to wake this dude again by myself.

We get a last name out of Drunky and I ran in and looked up the last name and call that room.

Me: Hello Mrs McGuest this is the hotel front desk, are you missing any one from your party?

Guest: Well no

Me: Oh I apologize then, there is a gentleman in our lobby who claims to belong to you and…

Guest: Oh for fucks sake is Drunky down there wasted in the lobby again?

Me: He’s definitely in need of assistance.

Guest: Oh goddamnit. Okay I’ll send Bob down to get him.

I went outside and told Mr Drunky I’d be standing with him until his friend arrived and after a bit, Bob showed up to get his friend up to their room and thanked me for watching his friend and not calling the cops.

As I was walking off to get in the truck and go home as my husband had been waiting for 20 minutes for me to go home, I hear Bob say “Jesus Christ Drunky I just left you three hours ago and you were fine.”

Drunky: Fuck you man 3 hours iz alzzotof shotzzzzz

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

Rich dude/cheap dude

So last night started off pretty tame for a Friday night. I was doing a 3-11 and most of my interactions had to do with this Corvette club staying with us. I had an inordinate amount of people wanting to see a room before they rented it and I assumed it was due to the rates but whatever.

I even found out that the guy in 2XX and his mother in 2X1 finally left after living with us for two months. Don’t worry though we have another kook in 22X and 21X with his wife, daughter, epilepsy dog and no shit a big ass cage full of birds and he’s been with us for two weeks with no sign of leaving.

But none of those people compared to The Rich Man, who pulled up right in front of my front door in a Porsche Cayanne. He comes in, in golf clothes and a hat from a very nice resort that shares it’s name with a famous snack cracker and the character on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire.

He’s a walk in and he wants a room and he wants it for a good rate because he’s a superbutthole elite turd level member.

I run over what room types we have and pull up his membership.

He’s bargain basement level member but hey he must belong to so many rewards programs he forgot so I’ll help a dude out.

Me: Well sir, we’re sold out of our king rooms aside from our deluxe rooms, but I’d be happy to give you a deluxe room for the 3A regular king price.

RD: And that’s the best you can do? I’m a super diamond butthole member and that price is still high.

Me: Yes sir but it is a holiday weekend and those are the rates.That is the best rate.

RD: Fine we’ll take it.

And I give them one of my favorite DK’s and send them on their way.

He comes back awhile later and steps in front of another customer that I’m currently helping and starts in again.

RD: That room is out in the middle of nowhere, is that really the best rate you can give me for that room?

Me: Sir I’m currently assisting this guest, but to answer your question, yes.

So I return to helping my other guest and he stands there tapping his foot like I’m going to suddenly give him a better rate when at this point I just want to raise his rate.

After I give the other guest their keys and wish them a good night, Rich Dude starts up again.

RD: If you can’t give me a better rate, I need more towels. Go get them for me.

Without breaking eye contact I just reach over for my walkie talkie and call my houseman and ask him to take towels to this room, since I know he’s up there anyway. Rich Dude threw up his hands and walked away.

Bitch I’m not going to leave my desk to personally get you some towels, go take your sourpuss cheap ass back up to your room. Maybe I put you in the middle of nowhere because I don’t want to see your bitchy face for the rest of the night. Be gone.

la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

the stay from hell

So over the weekend I went on a trip to another part of my state and stayed in what is supposed to be a 4 star hotels. Like they’re supposed to be better than the Hotels I’ve worked in and stayed at.

It wasn’t even close.

Check in time at this hotel is 3pm and we arrived at 6:30pm to tell me that they had extended a flight crews stay time because their flight plans had changed. Oh okay. No problem I smile and say lets do the paper work and we’ll figure something out to kill some time.

Person at the desk offers us a voucher for dinner and two drinks from the bar and I was like “Super cool! Let’s do that, thank you!” and because I was happy with this compromise, they threw in our parking too. (I was actually kinda like “wut” about having to pay to park because this was just a regular old lot, no valet, which we never use anyway but the other 4 star we stayed at similar to this one didn’t charge for parking, okay whatever, not a big deal)

We go to the bar and it takes us the hour or so they told us it would take to get a clean room to even get our food and drinks. And the food voucher doesn’t go very far, like you know hotel food is expensive but that’s okay! We’ll have a room soon and can go out for a proper meal.

We finish eating. It is now 1 1/2 hours after our arrival, which was 2 1/2 hours after check in time. I go back to the counter to see what was going on because my husband really didn’t want to order anymore drinks. We are told it will be another 30 minutes.

By a little after 9pm we finally get a room. And it’s got to be the most ridiculous room I’ve ever seen. Like I’m pretty sure it used to be an ADA but there is no way anyone with a wheel chair can get in here. There is a HUGE armoire instead of a regular closet, a king bed, huge table that the tv was on, the mini fridge, an ottoman and then this massive desk and a lounge chair and additional ottoman. Like this was just the room they threw furniture at. We had two towels and the toilet paper rack was already broken when we arrived. The shower was wet inside (I assumed from cleaning) and the detachable showerhead was bent.

My husband pulled back the covers on the bed and it was full of long black hair. I counted about 15 before I gave up. I have short brown hair, my husband shaves his head. We’d also been in the room for about 4 minutes.

I let them know about the toilet paper thing because I didn’t want to get charged for it and the hair. The guy at the desk dutifully handed me some complimentary breakfast tickets and said there wasn’t anyone to clean my room further and that “maybe” someone would come in and fix the toilet paper dispenser that night.

My husband and I go out to get drinks else where and when we got back there were suddenly two toilet paper dispensers in our room, meaning it was even more broken than I had thought.

My friend who was also staying with us arrived late in the night. I should point out that I did request a 2q bed but you all know what it’s like traveling as an employee sometimes. We would make due, I didn’t even bother asking for a rollaway because seriously we would have died in a fire in this overly furnished room that was clearly made to be a single Q room or a real life storage closet. Like nothing matched or made sense. We were all so tired we put the DND up and passed out.

So at 8am housekeeping is banging on our door even though there is a sign up. And trying to get into my room which I put the bolt on. I got up and let housekeeper number one know we’d be staying the night and would like stayover service but LATER. Around this time my friend gets up to use the bathroom and both toilet paper dispensers fall off the wall again. Like she was just pulled slightly to blow her nose since we weren’t given kleenex either and bam both of them go in the floor. She also notices around this time there is also a faded blood stain on her pillow and snot on another one. And oh look two lottery scratchers in the bed.

So when we go down to breakfast I made the very reasonable request to be moved or at very least have some of the charges reduced. I was told we couldn’t be moved and I shrugged and said okay and then the FDA said “And I never discount employees. Ever.” Okay cool.

While we’re eating breakfast she comes over and grabs me by the shoulder to get my attention and says “I miiiiiiiiight be able to move you. Come back after 2pm.” Which seems like she was being nice but touching me was inappropriate. I’d never touch a guest but that’s just me.

Around 3 we got back from all our various running around and I went to inquire about the other room being available because we needed to start getting ready for the thing we were in town for. Nope no room move. Desk clerk who had no knowledge that their 7-3 had offered to move my room dutifully offers us two drink tickets. Our room had also still not been cleaned.

We go out to the show and come back and at some point my husband was already upstairs in bed when I went out with my friend so she could smoke a cigarette and we could visit with another friend who was staying in another room. The security guard hung out with us while he was trying to keep an eye on these crazy German women trying to open a bottle of wine with a boot. My friend wanted to stay up later so I went in to get another key so I could go to bed. Turns out I got my new key from the manager. He asked how my stay was and I told him and he was like “Oh my god you had me at the 9pm check in, I’m comping you a nights stay.” And we chatted for a bit and I went to bed.

In the morning house keeping tried again to barge into our room 4 more times. Also the day before maitenance had come into our room while my friend was napping and didn’t even knock first. My friend and my husband were so fed up that they actually looked under the mattress. We had bed bug shells under the mattress, more lottery tickets and silverfish and more bed bug shells behind the headboard.

I still cleaned up the room, stripped the bed, made it as easy as possible for housekeeping to clean our room but when we went to check out the clerk pulled up my folio and was going to charge me for the room the manager said to comp and my friend pulled out the photo of the bug shells and our room got comped. He also made a big deal about taking our room keys back at check out, everyone knows they don’t give a shit if you walk off with a room key.

It’s really disheartening to see a hotel like this one with such bad service. I probably would have just let it go but my husband and my friend are not employees. Just me. And I was completely nice to every one we encountered. The only thing we didn’t do that we normally do is leave a tip for housekeeping or a nice note.

I appreciated the comps for drinks. We tipped everyone at breakfast and at the bar. I said please and thank you to everyone who worked there including the woman who grabbed me. We weren’t loud or unruly. We didn’t lie about how many people were in the room.

At some point this had to have been a nice hotel but wow.

Honestly the best thing I can do is appreciate that I work with a staff that has better people skills and a housekeeping crew that cleans the damn rooms, and not fill out an Amelia Bedilia which is normally the first thing I do when I get home.