la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

crazy cat banshee bitch lady

I worked a back to back today. Off at 11 last night and in at 8 this morning. I figured it was going to be a shit show with a bunch of fire evacuees and the Big University Winter Graduation and a wedding. I was not prepared for what I ran into.

First thing this morning I find out is so many people were extending that we had already to decide we’re sold out. We thought this would fix everything. Nope.

1-Crazy Cat Banshee Bitch lady. She came down last night and expressed to me she was thinkingabout extending her stay. I’ll be me and she’ll be CCBB.

Me: Ma’am I do suggest if you think you are going to extend, at this point I would just go ahead and do it now, and if you decide to leave in the morning I can just readjust your stay, no charge. I’ll be here in the morning.

CCBB: I must discuss this with my family. I will get back to you.

If she had a Cruella DeVille cloak she would have swooped it. Off she goes to murder puppies and never to be seen again until…

This morning CCBB comes down asking for the extensions on HER rooms. These are HER ROOMS. Lady you never came back during my shift, at least two other people have been at the desk since I walked away last night.

CCBB: THIS IS A NATIONAL FUCKING DISASTER AND YOU GAVE AWAY MY FUCKING ROOMS?

(I wish the above was a paraphrase, it’s not, it’s in my incident report.)

Me: Ma’am I will do the best I can to take care of you but several other people have also asked to extend their stays and…

CCBB: MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE. FUCK THEM. EVICT THEM. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THEM. I’LL CALL YOUR CEO WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING MANAGER. HOW IRRESPONSIBLE ARE THEY TO BE OFF DURING A NATIONAL FUCKING DISASTER?

Me: Ma’am I’m doing the best I can please lower your voice and I will keep working on moving you…

CCBB: I WANT A FREE FUCKING ROOM. I REFUSE TO PAY FOR THIS. MY INSURANCE WILL REFUSE TOO. HOW DARE YOU KICK ME OUT.

Me: MA’AM! I haven’t kicked anyone out YET. Please lower your voice and allow me a few moments to work on your stay, I will do my best but I need you to calm down.

CCBB: FINE.

She slams down a bag and walks off to yell at someone else on her phone.

The bag she slammed down apparently had a passenger.

Bag: Meow?

As we labor over figuring where to put her three rooms without displacing her elderly mother Bag keeps meowing.

Bag: Meow?

Bag: MEOW?

Bag: MEEEOOOOOWWWWW?

Bag: shits

Great so I now have cat shit in my lobby and a crazy lady.

I honestly felt for her at first. I get it, her house is on fire. But no matter how much I fucking curse, you don’t do it in my lobby. Other guests complained and I kept telling my partner, that we should let them go.

But by the power of team work we got them into two more rooms somehow and afterwards, the phone rings. It’s CCBB DEMANDING I move her luggage. Me, personally.

I am a pineapple. I wear a crown, I stand tall, I am sweet on the inside

So I grab a luggage cart and go up to the 3rd floor to be intercepted by houseman and maintenance. Maintenance is a tough looking dude but he’s nicer than hell and we all love him. He takes the cart from me and goes to deal with CCBB. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting him. I don’t care.

In the midst of all this the caretaker for the elderly mother in the group comes down and ass for directions to a pharmacy and when she got back she stopped to thank me by name for understanding she was lost and also just being so gracious and nice through everything.

Nurse: You don’t know it darling but you have a gift at reading people and anticipating their needs and you are gracious even when people are hassling you. It might not seem like much to some people but you should be proud.

And this is the only time today I cried.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

diaper lady

A very pregnant fire evacuee checked into the hotel this afternoon with her two other kids. At check in she mentioned she was due really soon and may cancel tomorrow night in order to be closer to her own doctor when she gives birth. Understandable and we tell her it’s not a problem and think we aren’t going to see her for the rest of the night.

Wrong. She comes back down a few minutes ago and says “So I think I’m cancelling tomorrow night for sure.” We tell her it’s still okay and she shuffles off and does the most bizarre thing I can think of. This was my train of thought as I saw it happen…

Please explain to me lady why when you have a perfectly good hotel room that you’re paying through the nose for, that you are changing your bare assed baby on one of my lobby chairs? It definitely wasn’t because the baby was fussy about their diaper. If I hadn’t given you THE LOOK, you would have thrown that diaper in my lobby trash can or just left it where you were changing your baby. There is a bathroom literally 10 steps from where you decided to pull your kids ass out. Or you know that room you have. Just a suggestion.

I’m not unsympathetic to pregnancy brain or fire brain or whatever but our lobby chairs can’t be the best place to whip our your kids ass and change them. Especially when the room is less than 100 feet away.

After wiping baby ass all over my lobby and almost leaving the diaper where people sit down to enjoy happy hour during the week she comes back to the desk and says “Do you have any prettier rooms?”

I don’t even know what means. She’s in a standard QQ and none of our rooms are total dogs. She has a total of two children, two adults and a baby thats renting space at Hotel De Uterus with her and we’re sold out due to the fires so the only fancier room would be too small for her since it only has one bed and honestly its the same goddamned room just with 1 king inside of it.

She then says she wants to cancel tonights room too which would have been possible like 6 hours ago when we still had housekeeping on staff. She’s free to leave but she’s still getting charged.

I realize a baby being changed on lobby furniture isn’t the end of the world but babies have these things called “blowouts” where they literally shit up their backs and how am I supposed to know this isn’t one of those situation when I see a woman dangling her baby by its feet to wipe it’s ass?

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

drunky mcpukey man

So last night I finish my 3-11 and I’m chilling in the lobby talking to NA while I wait for my husband to pick me up when a car rolls up and my NA and I look at each other and go “be an uber, be an uber” because hey it’s 11 and we’re sold out and everyone was already in house.

Be careful what you wish for.

The Uber driver gets out and she’s a small college girl and I see her go around to the back and start trying to rouse a lump in the back seat. I look at NA and I’m like “This is going to be a problem.”

Girl finally gets dude in the back out and he immediately starts stumbling like he’s got vertigo and when I see him start to go down I just ran outside. Luckily he landed on his hands and was only spitting on my driveway. I tell the driver that I work at the hotel and will take care of him from there.

Drunky bounces back up and starts stumbling around and almost hits the dirt again and I catch him. I’m 5’2″ and 115 pounds and this dude is old enough to be someone’s dad and is around 6’4″. I start trying to guide him towards the lobby to sit down while trying to see if he can remember what room he’s in when he takes off running again and starts throwing up in our flowerbed.

He finally empties himself out and sits down on the curb but he’s starting to fall over. So I open the side door to our lobby and yell for my partner to come out and help me because if this guy passes out on the sidewalk I’m not going to be able to wake this dude again by myself.

We get a last name out of Drunky and I ran in and looked up the last name and call that room.

Me: Hello Mrs McGuest this is the hotel front desk, are you missing any one from your party?

Guest: Well no

Me: Oh I apologize then, there is a gentleman in our lobby who claims to belong to you and…

Guest: Oh for fucks sake is Drunky down there wasted in the lobby again?

Me: He’s definitely in need of assistance.

Guest: Oh goddamnit. Okay I’ll send Bob down to get him.

I went outside and told Mr Drunky I’d be standing with him until his friend arrived and after a bit, Bob showed up to get his friend up to their room and thanked me for watching his friend and not calling the cops.

As I was walking off to get in the truck and go home as my husband had been waiting for 20 minutes for me to go home, I hear Bob say “Jesus Christ Drunky I just left you three hours ago and you were fine.”

Drunky: Fuck you man 3 hours iz alzzotof shotzzzzz

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized

the sketchy night of very bad not very good things

Okay I knew this weekend was going to be a Shit Show. The very big important university has some family weekend going on and the local tourist trap beach has a festival celebrating clams so all the hotels are full and the prices are higher than Snoop Dogg.

Anything to do with university and the parents coming is a ridiculous mess. Parents for some reason never book a room that’s large enough for the family and think we have this storage room full of two queen rooms that we’re just waiting to swap out because Little Becky (with the good hair) MIIIIIIGHT want to spend the night with her parents this weekend. (Spoiler alert, she does not.)

Tonight’s cast of looloo’s was wide and varied but a few stuck out. Let’s meet the contestants shall we?

1-Visiting us all the way from a big ass wildfire, we have EVACUEE WOMAN. My heart goes out to her it does. It’s not her fault her city burnt down or that she has medical problems or that her insurance company sucks at doing paperwork. What is her fault is not stating at check in that someone else was paying for her room leading to her being sour. Then dramatic when she recounted all the horrors she’s experienced and then her suddenly thrusting a cell phone into my face and my manager’s face when she located an insurance agent. Then she immediately turned her nose up at the room I had chosen for her BECAUSE OF HER FUCKING MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND THE HUGE AMOUNT OF LUGGAGE SHE HAS WITH HER, where she can IDK use the elevator to access her room. The reason she doesn’t want the room? She doesn’t like the view.

She wants to look at nature. But she can’t climb stairs.

Okay…. Y’all on a weekend like this one, I can’t just go yep lady not paying for your room and paying disaster victims rates you get the nicest room possible. Let me just throw out these people paying over 300 dollars a night so you can look at… well shit I don’t know what you’re going to look at WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STRIP MALL AREA, TWIT.

She then went to her room and called down and threatened to switch hotels because her TV didn’t come on right away. Great, fine, go to another hotel! Maybe they have some nature for you to look at. We have a pancake house and a mountain. Whatever.

2-Crazy assed lady on the bench. We have some guests staying with us at the moment that don’t look like the can afford the price of admission, but the hell do I know, ya know? So the first three times I saw Crazy Assed Lady on the Bench, I thought, “well here’s a woman smoking cigarettes and talking on her Bluetooth. She was definitely having a conversation with someone, even that person was Elvis. Three hours later she was still out there… probably time to call the cops.

3-Bitchy Bike Babe had us move her room assignment a million times to make sure they could see their bikes. BBB also didn’t want to stay in a 2 Q in the Dungeon Hallway which is where I put all the bikers because they literally can sit on the balcony and stare at their bikes. She was just rude and off putting though. Finally we made her and her husband happy enough they went to get a luggage cart to abuse and yell at. Sorry luggage cart, but it’s better you than me.

4-Sketchy Bitch Lady. SBL was by far my favorite. She was insane from the get go. She was standing like 3 feet from the desk bellowing her reservation information and proceeded to ask for a “newer room” and telling me her room THE LAST TIME SHE STAYED THERE “was sketchy and she wasn’t happy.” Great so unhappy that I am standing here talking to her. Awesome. She requests a pool view and she paid for a standard. Nope. Just be glad I don’t want to talk to you ever ever again or you’d be sleeping next to the ice machine. Please take your keys and go. Nope, she called down again about breakfast, wifi and pool hours and generally everything I was telling her while she was whining about not getting a pool view.

If you want a pool view, book a goddamned pool view. If you can’t afford the 10 dollar upgrade fee, don’t be an asshole straight after walking in the door, I  may hook a sis up but not when you act like a turd monster on arrival. Bye Girl Bye.

Then she had her daughter call down and demand more hair products. Sure, I wear my fitbit to work for a reason. Here’s your soap lady in an entirely different building on the third floor.

Some of the other funny guests included: Guy who was so smashed that he was falling asleep on the desk when his wife was checking him in. Wife had to resort to calling him like a puppy to get him to follow her to their room. She shrugged and was like “Men, amirite?”

The funny French family who loved my usual line of “I speak French like a trashcan.”

The guy who almost caused a 5 car accident coming into our parking lot who also had a yappy little dog of some sort with him and looked at  me like I grew a second head when I handed him a pet policy.

Tour Bus driver who insisted I give her a walk in rate of under 200 dollars. Nope.

The really nice man who wanted to go get Starbucks for us. We didn’t want him to though because…

WHAT THE FUCK CITY OF PINEAPPLE? Y’all are ripping up the road in front of my hotel which okay cool but the trucks honking constantly and the closing of the lanes has some of these people who were throwing out 350 dollars a night kinda pissed off. I don’t know who decided one of the busiest weekends of the fall was the best time for this, but I’d like to mildly inconvenience them in some passive aggressive manner.

Too Long; Didn’t read: I hate Parents Weekend.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · personal · sold out! · Uncategorized

okay go home Thursday, you’re drunk

I don’t know what the fuck was in the water today but everyone was more batshit crazy than normal.

I had an over sell on certain rooms but not to worry we fixed that bullshit really quick. But everyone on the phone and almost everyone who came through the lobby was just INSANE.

I made reservations with this one bucket of fucking crazy last night. She’s staying with us on a state rate so she’s already getting hooked the fuck up. We’re supposed to take copies of the ID’s for the state rate. So in this story I’ll be me, my coworker will be Adorable Coworker and Crazy Fucking Tax Lady will be… you get the idea.

Me: Ma’am I need to see your government ID

CFTL: okay here you go.

Me: Great Ma’am so I will now need to make a photo copy of this government issued ID to put on file so you can get the rate.

CFTL: NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COPY MY ID I WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

No shit Sherlock, this is why I need to take a fucking copy of this dog shit. It’s not because I want to go fight the fucking ancient copy machine that hisses and boos at me when I walk past it, much less ask it to do it’s stupid job.

Me: Oh Umm okay…

ACW: Ma’am we actually really do need the copy of your ID.

CTL: NO.

Me: it’s fine. I don’t care anymore. If I get fired, I get fired.

CTL: Well. I can give you a business card.

ACW: It’s not the same thing.

Me: I don’t care. Here are your keys ma’am (and I paraphrase the rest of this) breakfast is over yonder please be eaten by Dr Fuckhead on the way to your room. Have a lovely day you crazy fucking bitch.

Fast forward to about 20 minutes later CTL is back at the desk complaining she doesn’t feel safe in her room. Her original room was literally 3 doors over from the “owners room” like she couldn’t be safer unless she just fucked off and didn’t bother us at all tonight. So we moved her. And then that room had this air conditioner that was too complicated to deal with even though its the same fucking AC we have in every room. So she wanted to move again. Bitch went through like three rooms. She even had my born again FDM pissed off and he was starting to get HEATED and he never does that. She was batshit crazy.

But now for the good stuff of the evening:

-Had a LOVELY COUPLE FROM SWEDEN that enjoyed joking with me. They were just happy to see a happy face. Total sweethearts. I wish there were 99 more rooms full of this couple because even with voucher travel they were a breeze.

-Had a bus come in tonight. It was literally the easiest bus ever. Without going into too much detail, they are part of some reality show / documentary. Their producers checked everyone in and did their own porterage and were just so nice. Like I wanted to help them with shit and they were all “nah just can we decide which rooms are ours?I want to be as far away from these fuckers as possible.” so I handed them all the keys and let them do their thing. They thanked me every time they went by the desk. I was shocked.

-One of my regulars ran into me at lunch and bought my lunch. We shot the shit about the hotel and he said I’m his favorite. It was just good fortune that the only empty seat in the place I was having lunch was next to this guy who I see every Monday and Thursday from here to eternity. He’s cool and such an easy check in. It was really nice of him to buy my lunch.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

Full Moon Rising

Thursday night I had a pretty full house with some interesting but not stressful people. I also was doing double duty as front desk and evening reception which meant glory glory praise be, I got to wear my own clothes, as in a black button up and black pants instead of my usual nightmare of a uniform shirt.

I actually like working reception and to be honest I’m not strict about making sure our regulars turn in all their drink tickets or shit like that. I just want to make sure people enjoy their complimentary mid grade booze and chips and dips. I take my food prep seriously which is hilarious since I’m the only one without a food handlers license.

Three of my regulars come together every Monday and Thursday and had a pizza race the other night. They all chose different places to order from and basically wanted to see which one was faster and which one was better. I imagine when you travel as much as these bros do, you need to come up with ways to entertain yourself besides cleaning me out of Coors light.

After that I met a couple of brothers who were victims advocates coming out to advocate on behalf of a woman who was murdered. Very noble. One of them borrowed my phone charger and returned it after I went home for the night. One of them came down though with an unusual request…

I’ll be me and he’ll be Older Gent.

Me: How can I help you?

OG: So I have an unusual question.

Me: Sir I assure you there is no such thing as an unusual question around here, what can I help you with?

OG: So because that trial I talked to you about earlier is on prison grounds, I need to check my gun with you guys in the morning.

Me: (internally- WHAT THE FUCK?) Umm.. is it umm

OG: I have a concealed carry (which he shows me the documentation) but I still can’t take it on the prison grounds.

Me: Umm does your firearm have a locked case?

OG: No thats the issue, I forgot I had it on me until we were half way her.

Me: Oh dear…

OG: (interupting) I mean I can unload it first but can I check it down here?

Me: Ummm my suggestion would be to visit the sporting goods store down the road and purchase a case for it before you bring it anywhere near the desk. We’re not trained to handle firearms sir.

OG: So I can’t just put it into a safe?

Me: Would it fit into one of our safety deposit boxes?

OG: No.It’s a pretty big hand gun.

Me: Well… you’ll need to purchase a case for it, unload it before placing it in the case and honestly if you don’t want to scare the agent working in the morning, you’ll need to put it inside of your suitcase. I wouldn’t have a problem personally checking your firearm with us but some agents might and it is up to the front desk person on duty if they feel comfortable taking any sort of luggage.

OG: And you won’t be here tomorrow?

Me: No.

He didn’t end up checking anything with the desk.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

please go home now

So Casa De Pineapple has four rooms full of people who just will not fucking leave. They extend a day at a time and it’s getting on my last fucking nerve.

The first two rooms aren’t that bad. It’s 2X1 and 2X2 and they are a mother and son staying across from each other. I think they’ve been with us for about a week. Son is the one doing all the talking. Mom kind of looks like an over tanned skeleton and they’re here from out of state and I can’t figure out why they keep extending especially because our rates jump a hundred dollars tonight. They don’t ask for discounts. They don’t want cookies. I haven’t seen them at evening happy hour. They’re just taking up rooms and walking through the lobby a lot. It also doesn’t seem like they brought a lot of clothes with them. They’re not from a hurricane state so I can’t figure it out. Whatever.

Across the hotel is the crazy fucking bitch in 3XX. She refuses to come down to breakfast and instead every day about 10 minutes before it’s over, she calls down to the desk asking us to make her two plates because “she so tired” (not a typo this is how she says it) and eventually either one of us will take it up to her or she materializes from her cave to pick it up. She says she and her husband need to stay with us because they are waiting for an apartment to open up. But then she calls the next FDA and tells them another date. Their bill has to be over a grand by now. And people are complaining about a smell coming from their room. The husband has to wear adult diapers so I imagine that’s what the smell is. He’s not dead or anything because he finally came down to the desk the other day when we explained to them that we have a sold out weekend ahead of us and they needed to leave today. Since I’m 3-11 today I’m hoping this check out is all done by the time i get in.

And finally we have Mr Chatty in 2XX. They are honestly one week away from being tourist tax exempt. They’ve been with us since mid August and extend day by day and I seriously need them to leave. Mr Chatty and his aunt are staying in a one room handicapped room. No idea how the sleeping arrangements are going up there but I don’t care. Their cats (TWO OF THEM) tore up our ottoman in the room. I don’t even know where the cats are shitting. I assume they have a litter box up there. Guy is nice enough but he’s quite often drunkish or jacked up on something or on pills. He leaves his trunk to his car or his aunt’s car open all the time. She’s also wearing diapers. He smokes so he’s going in and out all the time and always trying to buy the desk stuff from the store or the fast food place across the street, which is nice and all but he then just stands there talking to us even if we refuse a gift. He gave me and another co-worker some yogurt the other day even after we refused it.

But the cherry on top of the eccentric sundae was the other night. One of our regulars I guess alerted NA to a BODY in the back outdoor hallway where Dr Fuckhead is known to roam. NA goes out there and finds Mr Chatty laying on the ground… with his pants off. His junk out.

NA snaps a picture because he thinks he just found a dead body. Mr Chatty’s pants were folded over the fence and upon closer inspection he realizes Mr Chatty is just passed out and snoring. NA rouses the pantsless guest and hands him is pants and tells him to go to bed. His room mind you with the cats and the aunt in diapers is clear on the other side of the hotel. Guest gets up and seems to start putting his pants on and so NA just goes over to lock up some public space that hadn’t been locked yet. Something tells NA to go back through to make sure Mr Chatty had gone to his room… nope back asleep on the ground.

You’d think my GM would have us evict all these lunatics, but no even though the pants thing and the poop smell thing happened on Tuesday they were extended until today. Please god let us get rid of these people today, before I get there. We’re going to be slammed enough without naked guests and crazy old ladies who think we do room service.