how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

the tv lady

Room 3XX called down around 9:30pm absolutely IRATE that her tv wouldn’t come on. As I had a lobby full of people checking in, I asked if I could send someone over to look at the problem. She became more agitated and asked me if I could just walk her through how to fix it. Thinking it was the cable again I suggested turning it on channel 3 like we have been told but that didn’t do anything and she ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WANT ANYONE COMING INTO HER ROOM TO FIX HER TV. Being as I couldn’t see her TV I really didn’t know what was wrong with it and she said “If I can’t get this tv to come on there is going to be a problem.”

Around 10:00pm she called back and was LIVID. Her TV was unplugged and she absolutely expects to be compensated for this. And she yelled at me more about not knowing her tv was unplugged and said that this ruined her vacation and she absolutely expects something to be done about all of this. She then told me I should be taking notes because she was going to be down in the lobby bright and early tomorrow to speak to a manager about how we ruined her vacation and how she was offended we asked her to allow someone to come into her room to fix the problem because someone was sleeping in that room at the moment and how could we have someone intrude on their sleep.

not in report but seriously how the fuck was anyone sleeping through this woman shrieking at me over the phone?

Anyway I apologized profusely and called her ma’am while she screamed at me so loudly on the phone that some guests who came into the lobby were able to hear her over the phone. She was clearly audible even to a guest waiting in the chairs near the lounge. So expect Mrs or Mr Butthole to come and ask for a discount, because their tv was unplugged and I was unable to see that through the phone.


The very next potential guest was a guy wanting to rent a room for a couple of hours to bone a girl. Nope. Not tonight buddy. He also wanted to pay in cash. Bye boy bye.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · third party bookings · Uncategorized

the shitacaine

So someone is smoking in my second floor indoor hallway. It’s California it’s illegal. I have one guest who we’re going to end up having to comp or some shit tomorrow who keeps complaining about smoke smell and I honestly can’t tell which room its coming from because I’m pretty sure some cheesedick is smoking in the fucking hallway. I am going to throw them the fuck out if I catch them. It’s bad enough when they smoke in their room but they’re smoking up other people’s rooms. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Oh I know, the entire nation of France is here right now and all of them are pissed off. You know why? Because hotelbeds.com ignores black out dates and our system didn’t take the reservations so we have all these people we’re trying to get ghost cards for and they’re literally coming in groups of 10. They put another family who paid for three rooms into two rooms and luckily that family was cool. We’ve had today shut off since LAST FUCKING YEAR. What the fuck, it’s not like we can just tell them to toddle on back over to France. Creative solutions and many stupid irritating phone calls were made and the (rightfully) pissy French Army is back in bed.

But then there was the Irish guy and his fucked up reservation. And the fucked up Dutch reservation. And basically I feel like the whole of Europe is here and they are all pissed off. Vouchers were supposed to be turned off and they weren’t and our system bounced some of them back. Fuck my life.

Room 2XX wanted to get in on the second floor action and call and complain that her room only showers and the bathtub part doesn’t work. How do I do this simple assed thing I do at home every day? I don’t know how the fuck do you do it when I’m not here to do tech support on a fucking shower? Want someone to come up and help you? No? Shit then just keep banging around until you most likely flood my second floor, maybe it will wash the smoke out from the smoking asshole we can’t seem to catch.

Then there is the phone:

Phone: Do you have any rooms for tonight?

Me: No we are completely sold out.

Phone:Do you have any rooms for tonight?

Me: No we are completely sold out.

Wash, Rinse, Wipe hands on pants. #pleasekillme

Phone: Do you have any rooms for Saturday night? (This phone call sounded like it was coming from inside of blender or you know the fairgrounds)

Me: Yes but there is a 2 night minimum so you will have to book for Friday / Saturday or Saturday/ Sunday

Phone: What are the rates?

Me: *I paraphrase* Four arms and eight legs sir.

Phone: That’s the best you can do?

Me: Yes.

Same dude called back 4 minutes later and tried to get my coworker to give him a better rate. No.

I work a turn around tonight too, so I get to deal with all these people again tomorrow.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

the long awaited story of the ant lady aka the one where my dad saw where i work

I don’t know what the fuck was in the water yesterday but everyone was batshit crazy.

I opened yesterday and immediately there was the Ant Lady. She came up and started yelling at me about a coworker of mine and whatever. I hadn’t even had time to open the book of horrors but her story was this:

AL: I had ants in my room and no one cared! I want to see YOUR BOSS.

I’m the only person there and I don’t even care about her ants to be honest. I have ants at my house too. Its hot they’re thirsty so they come inside

Me: Ma’am I’m sorry about that experience, was anything done to fix the situation?

AL: I don’t want you talk to me I want you to listen to my needs. NightTime Coworker was rude and dismissive and I felt bullied by him to take a discount.

Me: (I really really should have had time for caffiene before this) You felt bullied? Did someone physically threaten you?

AL: NOOOOOOO. BUT I AM BEING TOLD BY BOY (oh now we’re using this kind of language, okay) AT DESK. BOY AT DESK DOESN’T LOOK FOR ME A NEW ROOM, SAYS YOU ARE OUT OF ROOMS BUT NICE MAID FOUND ONE FOR US.

Me: Okay let me look at the computer..

AL: NO YOU ARE NOT EMPTHASIZING WITH ME. MY KIDS HAVE ASTHMA THEY CAN’T BE AROUND ANTS.

insert what the fuck are you talking about thought bubble

Me: So ma’am I’m happy to get listen to your story because you feel like you have been treated horribly and try to make it up to you in any way but if you could give me the basic facts so I can relay them to my manager or report them to anyone who can fix that room it’d be helping a future guest and me to help you.

AL: THERE WERE ANTS IN THE ROOM. HE SAY THERE ARE NO ROOMS. THERE WAS A ROOM. HE IS A LIAR AND HE BULLIED ME INTO TAKING ANOTHER DISCOUNT AND THAT IS DISREPECTFUL. I DO NOT WANT THIS SHAME DISCOUNT.

this is where I give up

Me: Ma’am I am sorry that you felt disrespected and I’m sorry your stay was not to your standards…

AL: AND NICE LADY STOLE MY IPAD PEN.

kill me

Me: I’m sure if you left it in the room it is on the housekeeper who helped you to the new room’s cart and as soon as I can get someone down there I’ll find it when someone is here who can open that area. Would you like to wait in the breakfast area and enjoy some food until the boss gets here?

AL: WE DON’T WANT BREAKFAST WE WANT SYMPATHY!

At this point I told again that we apologize and someone will right this situation but if she wants to talk to the boss she can wait in breakfast area or their room. She says I have finally showed her some sympathy (seriously what in the fuck) and she leaves.

My dad drops by because he’s never seen where I work and he wanted to bring me a poster before he left town. My dad has a beard and is wearing a Sub Pop records hat and shorts but seeing someone else in the lobby with me and the phones that wont shut up this lady comes back over. My boss gets there about the same time so she figures out my dad is not the person she now wants to scream at for 20 minutes. My dad leaves and my boss gets out of the bathroom and bam Ant Lady.

Same conversation happens all over again. Only longer because my boss is having ZERO of it after awhile. We’d literally already done everything that could be done and she was threatening to write the company and write a bad review and my boss was frustrated about all the things and finally just comped her room and told her to leave.

But not before her email address had an accident in the system. You’re not getting a survey lady, fuck you very much.

la la la lobby time · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

The queen visits another castle

So I worked open yesterday after going to a rather hard core rock show the night before and I have a sprained ankle and busted up elbow from it. (Trust me it was awesome.)

Anyway when I was done with dealing with another 900 “where is breakfast” (I fucking just told you where it was 8 hours ago, its over there in the room that smells like bacon, fuck off) and the crazy bitch who was mad at me for making her read the pet policy, my husband and I drove out to a neighboring community to visit with my parents. The was dealing with so many early check ins. My parents were on the beach already and their room wasn’t ready so my dad put me on the list to be able to park in the lot because the hotel okayed that. My husband drives a large truck so parking is so difficult.

I got out of the elevator and gave him my ID and the story behind why we need to park there and he asked for my plates which I had taken a picture of (it’s not my car, why would I ever remember them?) so I just handed him my phone with the picture of the plates and he looked up at me and it looked like the life returned to him.

“You are smarter than 90% of my guests!” And then he looked like he wished he hadn’t said that and I started laughing.

“Oh you’re sweet. I just got off work at Casa De Pineapple about an hour ago. I get it.”

“Well then! Park here as long as you want. PLEASE come back for the reception tonight! You deserve it.”

They literally have the same shitty fruit water problem we do, you know it, the water cooler in the lobby with some random fruit in it. Their water jug stand IS a pineapple.

Of course I had to stop and fix a pillow in the upstairs lobby that someone knocked over. I’ve got to look out for my fellow Pineapples after all.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized

things i wish i could say

Guest: Where is breakfast?

Me: The same goddamned place it was yesterday when I drew you a map to get to it. You can see breakfast, its the big room that has food in it. I can literally see the stupid door from here.

Guest: Where is breakfast?

Me: Hell. It’s in hell.

Guest: What is this shit about the pet policy? You didn’t have a pet policy when I stayed here in 1492

Me: We literally built the building around the pet policy. If you really stay here every year on the exact day every year youve memorized our pet policy.

Guest: what am I supposed to do with my dog if I can’t leave him in the room?

Me: fucking don’t bring your dog. dont come. i don’t care. But we’re charging you every time your dog barks if you do leave him in the room.

Guest: (seeing I’m out of uniform and outside waiting for my ride) What time is breakfast? Where is starbucks? What’s the wifi code?

this actually happened today when I was getting ready to leave

Me: 0_o

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal · sold out! · third party bookings · Uncategorized

who does that?!?


We had a family come for early check in. Okay we had like 900 families come for early check ins but this one took the fucking cake.

We told them we were still cleaning rooms and could process their check in and when the room was ready in about 20 minutes we’d give them the keys. They sat in our lobby for like 3 minutes and vanished and we assumed they’d gone to eat or they were in the bathroom.

Nope.

They saw their room number and walked up to the room and the room was unlocked/propped open because we were working on an issue with it and they just walked in and started making themselves at home. They didn’t even have keys.

I’m pretty sure my maintenance guy was thinking about killing them. He was so pissed, rightfully so but it’s not like we gave them keys. We’re very close to selling out so we’re just trying to figure out where to put people and we specifically told these people we’d come over and bring them keys in about 20 minutes.

Holy fuck, who goes into a hotel room without keys?

So to keep my Mr Fix it from murdering someone, I just went running through that hallway on that floor until I found a clean room and stuffed this idiot family into that room with keys like a regular person would normally use to get into a room.

Like you’re checking in like three days early (sarcasm) and we were trying to do you a favor and you can’t listen to simple instructions…

HOW DO YOU SURVIVE ON YOUR OWN? WHY FOR DO YOU NOT UNDERSTANDS THE WORDS?


Lady who is officially Super Butthole Snowflake status called four more times. Never got the answer she wanted because the rooms didn’t stop being sold out and we didn’t drop the two night minimum on another weekend she wanted to stay with us but you know Super Butthole Snowflake status, she doesn’t have to follow the rules. Let’s keep calling and see if someone says something different. We won’t. Stay two nights or shut the fuck up, I’m chasing some other lunatic around.

Don’t care, soul has died. Go stay in neighboring town like you threatened to. Sorry to the people who will deal with you.


The top off of the day was my lunatic Uber driver yelling at me about booking.com for the entire ride. Man I didn’t fucking yell at you for all the shitty creeps that have driven me or stalked me at my hotel. I hate these fucks at Booking too, shut the fuck up and drive. Oh and that light was red and we almost died.

Whatever.