personal · Uncategorized

as a travler

I have a few trips coming up this summer and this will be my first time using employee rates and staying at other family properties. I gotta say the rates are stupid good. I made myself and my parents a reservation for a higher tier hotel today and another for our full service brand for my husband and myself. It’s the first time I’ve ever been able to make reservations for his business travel with my rate as I am going with him.

Sometimes all the craziness is completely worth it.

people on the phone · Uncategorized

friendly advice

Another one from my old notes..

For the record if you tell the person making your hotel reservations to go fuck themselves you will find yourself staying In the nicest room the hotel has. Next to the ice machine, under an elevator , on the freeway side of the building with a complimentary upgrade to a key that randomly forgets you’re a guest. You’re welcome.


I’ll expand on this as I was pretty pissed when I wrote this down.

We’re a small property with under 100 rooms so its not uncommon for a FDA to be alone at check out even when we’re sold out, which we were yesterday. I was in the middle of checking out about 4 guests all of which wanted to split bills or change credit cards or give me a very long “review” of their stay here. All five lines were ringing at once and I asked a guest on the phone to hold. He didn’t want to hold and started yelling at me and I again apologized and promised him that the hold would only be brief and he told me to fuck myself and hung up.

We had caller ID at the last property I worked at, so I did make note of the name and kept checking people out. He called back later and asked for every possible discount we have under the sun. My second FDA took his reservation, refused any of his discounts and gave him the dreaded elevator room because he was just as unpleasant to my co worker as he had been to me.

Every hotel has a room that isn’t perfect. Don’t assign yourself to that room by being an ass.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

an old one

I’m off today, so you get an old tale from my personal notes


I work in a national brand and today was my second day, before that I was in a small boutique property. Today some man gets understandably upset as to why their shower won’t turn on. He gives me his room number 3 times in the middle of his tirade about the costs of his stay and age of building.

He won’t stop shouting long enough to ask him for his name so I can be sure he’s asking about the right room and our phones don’t really prominently display the room numbers when people call from inside the hotel. I wrote down what I heard while being cussed out for a national chains entire existence and sent my manager to the room I was told.

While my manager went to the room I was told had the fucked up bathroom, this man called and verbally shat on me two more times. We’re a large property and he insisted he knew exactly how long it takes to get to get to the room, etc. He keeps giving me this certain room number and as it turns out he is now irately giving me the room number of the person who is checking out in front of me.

“Sir you can’t possibly be in that room unless a member of your party is checking out for you in advance, that guest is in front of me turning in their keys.”

There was a pause and he started bellowing his correct room number at me and telling me I was a liar and never sent someone up there. My fdm went up there and immediately came back mad at our special snowflake who then proceeded to walk by three more times talking shit while eating breakfast.

The shower wasn’t broken they just weren’t fully turning the knobs. Seriously. This cee you next Tuesday got a bushel of points and got the satisfaction of insulting me and making me cry because his kid can’t work a shower.

And this is during a tour for a college.


wait, what?

So I took a day off yesterday because I was too sick and too sore to move. Literally buried myself into my couch and watched tv and ate chicken soup.

Today I went back to do an 8 hour shift and first thing I get a late check out who approached the desk with the opening line …

“I’m a generous tipper you know so I was wondering if anyone could help me with my bags.”

Generous in my experience has been 5 to 6 dollars but sure I still have desk coverage and I’m stronger than my coworker that the ghost doesn’t like so I grabbed the trolley and followed the guest.

Eight bags, several grocery bags, an ab machine, a yoga ball, two breathing machines and two cart trip later, complete with the man and his wife having me actually pack his car, I was starting to regret this decision to jump on this grenade until he went ahead and handed me 30 dollars.

All in all even though I was sweaty and lost my magnetic name tag in their trunk, it took like 20 minutes just because the guest was older and moved slowly. But I was 30 dollars richer and just made myself a new name tag when I got in.

The rest of the night was pretty chill aside from being over booked again.

I had the sweetest family check in where the children all called me ma’am or Miss MobBoss so I upgraded them to a suite someone had cancelled on so the teenage son could have his own bed, all be it a pull out couch. I upgraded another guest to our apartment suite because they return a lot and the room we had for them was just too damned loud. I wanted to do it for free but we’re so full and I so we had to charge an upgrade fee but it was very minimal.

Order has returned to the Hotel Cartel. After suggesting some good places to eat and drink to some more polite guests, I went out and spent my tip money on my husband and I and I have two days off ahead of me.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

Where’s Ashton Kutcher?

Walked in to find some unfamiliar people in the Cartel House today.

Owners. Unfamiliar GMs from other properties filling in and delivering the news that we no longer have a GM. No other familiar managers were around and this literally was the first time we met anyone. My former GM has been at this property for so long I was starting to think they built it around her.

Co-worker called out sick meaning that it was just the GM from another property, new co-worker who the ghost hates and whoever the fuck else was supposed to be on mornings today and literally everything in the world was going batshit crazy.

Some highlights include:

Oh right I checked someone into a room marked clean and inspected that ALREADY HAD A FUCKING PERSON IN IT. On my screen the person in that room was in another room so how the fuck am I supposed to know. Someone did a room move and didn’t notate it or change it in the system so surprise meet your new best friend Mr Stranger, Ms Lady I didn’t know was in the fucking room.

Moving on…

(Jesus fuck there is a girl in cow slippers without pants on in my lobby right now, I so completely do not give a fuck. Be naked. Hang out with my Hong Kong Farmers playing cards again tonight, I literally do not fucking care.)

Had a bunch of Expedia fuck ups. Literally didn’t have time to figure them out. Just checked people in and gave up.

We’re over sold and have all these pissy stupid problems with rooms. Like I have no idea what the fuck went on after I left last night but we’re short a 2Q, and I pray to fuck I am out of here before I have to explain that one to a guest.

NOTHING seemed to have been cleaned today. I keep finding garbage and bullshit all over the hotel. Back elevator smelled like weed so bad earlier that I almost put it out of order but I just threw some fabreeze at it and gave up. Anyway I need the goddamned thing because literally no one did shit today and I have to keep going downstairs. So whatever, throw some lilacs at it and pray.

EVERYONE IS FUCKING SMOKING EVERYWHERE. I’m trying to corral them into the same area in the parking lot but I literally can’t care. All these rooms are gonna smell like shit tomorrow.

Phones, fuck those things. Every single call I’ve gotten has been complicated, rude or unsolvable. Fuck the phone.

I’ve got a room with a broken lock, one with a shower that the old people staying in it can’t turn off, another puker in the parking lot and I can’t like… this girl is tired.

I just said fuck it to my check list. I haven’t been at the desk long enough to do anything but answer the phone, try to fix this shit and cry.

One hour to go. If anyone even looks at me once I clock out, I’m stabbing them. (LOL not really, but the phone is definitely getting lit on fire.)

how do you survive on your own · Uncategorized

100% sold out again, fight me.

Seriously no disrespect to my Chinese guests from Hong Kong, other than playing cards for hours in the breakfast room at night, they’re stellar and even bought me dinner tonight, but its so difficult when I can’t fix their wifi log in. I can’t make their computers talk to our router and I don’t know why because I can’t read the fucking error messages. I feel so bad. I even brought my laptop out of the back and showed them how I do it but I imagine the watch and follow along approach isn’t the best in this case because they still couldn’t connect.

cries in defeat I’m smarter than this netbook goddamnit.

Tonight the high school kids are back. It’s a different group and their advisors are super cool and funny and gave me personal cell phone numbers in the event the kids get out of line. The only problem we had was we didn’t have a room keyed up for the bus driver, and we fixed that. Since this wasn’t a weird school that told me NOT to give the kids the wi-fi I had a couple of kids come up to the desk asking for it.

The group check in process with kids is hand the group leader all the keys and pray. They get key packets with the same information I would normally explain to the guest personally. Without a stage and a bullhorn I couldn’t explain this to everyone at once so we depend on the chaperones.

When the kids came down a few times asking for the wifi code I must have gone on auto pilot because I said “Oh here it’s on the key packet” and went to get a packet and the kid looked at me deadass and said “we’re kids, why would we know that?” I gotta admit I laughed.

100% sold out again tonight. Had a REALLY violently angry review about the high school group from the richy rich high school and their noise level. I literally can not care but we were at 100% satisfaction before this motherfucker and his shitty review. When we have that many students I try my best to put our adult guests on the upper floor but we’ve been… so… full…

People wonder why I’m asleep whenever I’m not at work.

It’s just me and the GhostGuest tomorrow night on the Psycho Shift.

Come at me Summer Season, I’ve got your number. I haven’t cried after a guest has been rude to me in two months. Fight me.


how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

tales from tuesday

So tonight was an interesting mixed bag for my first day back at work.

Let’s start with the fact they tried to call me in on Sunday. I slept through a large portion of Sunday because of my shift on Saturday. If I had been remotely alive when the phone rang I would have found my ugly shoes and gone to work. But I’d died. I was literally in a coma and nothing was gonna wake me up.

I’m not in trouble for this because I’m not on call. But fuck if I didn’t need to sleep.

So I get there today and everything is really chill. Bosses aren’t pissed I didn’t pick  up the phone, we’re still close to a full house etc. The two interactions that stuck out though pissed me off beyond reason.

Interaction one:

Typical trying to make a reservation through a third party and fucking it up. Basically this broad was trying to tell me she made her reservation through our website and its a non refundable reservation. NON REFUNDABLE. But hey, I’m a nice person and looked into it. Not only was she lying to my ears, she was literally trying to game us.

No one makes a reservation through my company’s website that I can’t change.

This was clearly through but she swears up and down its our “fault” she RESERVED HER OWN STAY WRONG. Like three months wrong. When does she want to stay? Oh the weekend that’s gonna inflate her rates by like 50%?

Get out of here. You completely can’t walk and breathe at the same time or are trying to scam us. And man did I try to help her, to the extreme of getting a manager to call her back in the morning. Yah, nah she told me to fuck myself and slammed the phone down. I was nothing but nice but whatever.

Moving on. We have a large group of Chinese farmers staying with us for a conference. Not a big deal. They wanted to play cards and eat take out in the breakfast room which  I was down with until some bag of crap came down and interupted a check in from a nice military man to ask me why THOSE PEOPLE got special privileges and also to let me know he didn’t like the smell of “THOSE PEOPLE’S” food.

Oh boy. I seriously wanted to toss him but held my cool. My Military friend who can’t stop calling me Ma’am no matter what I say to him, had some choice words after that chump left the desk to go be racist in his own room.

My Military Friend “Ma’am I would have told him exactly where to stick that attitude but you’ve been so kind to my wife and I through all our difficulties with my wallet being lost and I have to live here for 26 days so I didn’t want to get you in trouble. But that man was wrong. He was a terrible person and I’m sorry you had to deal with him. Y’all have a good night. You need any help down here you just dial my room.”

I swear we have regular nights sometimes. Not this month though.


la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

uneasy relationship with Uber

I’ve had two different Uber drivers try to follow me INTO my apartment or ask me out when giving me a ride home from Hotel Cartel. 95% of my drivers are the bees knees and I love using the service as well as Lyft because I’ve actually made friends with regular drivers. But these two dude bros tried to come on to me and then because they picked me up at work, came by my work on several occasions trying to see me. One in particular who even after I told him I was married insisted on asking me out while I was trapped in his car.

I complained to Uber. I complained to my management. I complained to other Uber drivers. I told like anyone who might help me get this one creeper to stop coming in to use my lobby bathroom and ask me out.

One of the Uber drivers finally got fired or disbarred or whatever the fuck happens to them, but the last of the creepers was still coming in, but one night he came in, harassed me a little and then went to the bathroom at the end of my shift. Enter my night auditor.

My night auditor doesn’t talk much and doesn’t really seem to like anyone. He’s super nice but like any kind gesture he just seems annoyed by. However in the brief exchanges we have regarding the state of the Cartel the story of the Uber stalkers has come out and on this night Uber Driver was in the men’s room still and I mentioned it to the night auditor who said “Are you clocked out? Is your husband in the parking lot?” I said yes to both of these things and NA says “I’m walking you to the door.” And he does and watches me get into my husbands truck and I was so touched but it doesn’t end there.

The next time I see night audit he says “that guy is not coming around here anymore.” And I say “NA how do you know?” and NA says “believe me he’s not.”

I haven’t seen scary Uber driver in about 3 weeks so either my NA killed him or finally had the stern talking to him that I’d been asking for or called the cops. Night Auditors aren’t to be fucked with.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

the night from hell 2: sharknado

Lets talk about the invasion of the rich kid school bus on the same night as two weddings.

-Wedding people- Cool as fuck. They’re from my hometown a few hours a way and weren’t terribly picky, just hungry and drunk and well behaved.

-Weird (like seriously this is the strangest but nicest people I’ve encountered) people from the Midwest tipped me a couple of bucks for bringing them two blankets. This paid for the idea of the chips I wanted from the vending machine. I never got them though as our vending machines were out of the chips I wanted.

-We were sold the fuck out. People do not understand that doesn’t mean there is a secret closet somewhere with all the rooms we don’t want to sell you. It literally means we like all the other properties from here to Hawaii are out of fucking rooms. I don’t have anywhere to place you. No I seriously don’t care what kind of snowflake you are, no room at the Inn. Talk to the Mother of Christ about it. Innkeepers are terrible. I can’t make a room out of thin air you psycho on the phone. Go sleep in a field, I literally have ceased to care about you.

-No ElectricalCompanyOfSomewhere, I can’t make up six rooms for your employees you should have homed earlier. I don’t give a fuck, we’re sold out. 100 rooms are currently occupied by other people. Literally I couldn’t give the Pope a room at this point.

-Weird lady who couldn’t work her door keys and kept staring at me like the invasion of the body snatchers can get on the go to hell bus too. She came up to complain about the comforters. Not the state or usability of them but she literally thought we were shorting her on some bed spread and didn’t like the look of the way we do the rooms. Okay crazy, go to bed.


Their kids filled up the front trash can and its some how my fault they got off the bus and immediately filled up the two trash cans out in front of our hotel. Like we don’t have a dumpster on the other side of the building. Like why are you complaining about garbage YOU made still being in the trash can? It’s fucking 10pm and there isn’t anyone else here. Just me and GhostGuest. She doesn’t do trash.

So then they want trash bags from me to take their pizza accessories to their rooms which is fine. They drain the coffee station 3 times. Okay.

But there was a room that didn’t meet their standards. I guess one of the rooms they were blocked into smelled of smoke. The last time these little darlings were with us I moved a room 3 times. Once was valid but the second two times were iffy situations. We’re again 100% sold out last night and the chaperones kept telling me the boys couldn’t sleep in this one room because it smelled like smoke.

First off this group stuffs four girls into a 2 Queen room and lets the boys have 2 to a 2 queen room, bite me. But secondly how are actual educators of the children of this richy bitch city visiting us so stupid to realize that when I say I CAN NOT MOVE THE ROOMS. I LITERALLY HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO PUT THESE CHILDREN. I HAVE NO MORE ROOMS. LIKE I CAN’T MOVE YOUR CHILDREN, means we literally have no more rooms. How the fuck… I just can’t.

So of course the next thing is put the kids in cots in another 2q which WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE THE GIRLS SLEEPING TOGETHER IN THE SAME BEDS, WHY DO THESE TWO BOYS GET THEIR OWN BEDS?  But also IS ILLEGAL TO PUT ROLLAWAYS IN A  2 Q IN THIS COUNTY. I’ll gladly fetch you a “no homo” pillow if that’s what you’re worried about but seriously.

I have two days off which I clearly need. I plan on doing as little as possible and if my phone rings I’m throwing it into the firey abyss the last two days came from.

tl:dr- I absolutely do not care about your shit when I don’t have a way to resolve it.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the ghost room · Uncategorized

the night from hell


Okay not really but if you want to come work with me tonight, I’ll take you.

Last night went like this:

-Come in to slammed phones and two FDAs who were also slammed and hadn’t finished their chores. Cue to me jumping in before clocking in, to help my newest FDA that the ghost has issues with.

-Big fucking storm, that’s the point of this. Big fucking Hurricane Lucifer has closed roads to the north and south and east of us so OH HEY LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING WALK INS. It’s cool if you’ve got a head, I’ll figure out how to put it in a bed.

-Oh big fucking hurricane fuckshitup also was able to shut down a giant train full of people and goddamned OnlyFuckingTrainCompanyInAmerica IS NOT COMPING THEIR PASSENGERS ROOMS. So now I have that going on.

-Two weddings. I don’t care. I don’t make the weather. No I actually 100% don’t care that another guest is throwing up in the parking lot. It’s fucking raining, it will be gone in the morning. I literally don’t care.

-Conference room looks like someone opened the roof and let Satan himself and a smashed potato bar into it. I see this at 7pm when I’m making like the 20th jug of coffee for the lobby. We had some kind of conference in it all day and either housekeeping fucked off and didn’t clean it or the people left too late and house keeping was gone, but we have another group coming in today and guess who gets to clean the room?  Whatever, I don’t care but it took an hour to do and new FDA is on short shifts so I was trying to clean as fast as possible so she could leave before she’d have to take a lunch. 17 fucking conference room tables busted down, moved by myself, linens everywhere, trash full, had to vacuum. Blah blah blah not my job, broke a nail, almost cried. Finished and let co-worker go home.

-Arrogant Snowflake from some Asian country, which is only important because I CAN’T READ CANTONESE came in and was bossy and pushy and demanding a suite and shockingly when I have 6 rooms left? They’re not a fucking suite. None of them are suites. In fact you’re going to the GhostRoom ™. Come on Ghost do me a solid. In the middle of this pushy asshole’s check in he starts shoving his phone which I can’t fucking read in my face to show me that he doesn’t all of a sudden agree with the rate and I’m only half way through checking him into his 3 rooms that aren’t suites. I discounted the last one thinking he’d shut the fuck up but no. He wanted points and a welcome gift. At this point, I honestly stopped giving a fuck and let them pick out welcome gifts. Just like fucking go away. Nope. They literally asked me to go to the pharmacy for them, to conjure a cab (yeah good luck I’ll call, the wait was over an hour) to open their beers and a bunch of other shit. Seriously Ghost I hope you’re giving these silly chaps the business tonight.

-Conference room issue again, as tomorrow it is a host for a group that is court mandated education of some kind. Some of those court ordered guests decided to stay the night with us and were in the pool after I was supposed to close it. I told them if I heard one word about them, they’d be evicted and seriously its fucking raining but whatever.

-Another guest complained about a luggage cart being in the hallway and demanded I come to get it. Okay. So I go to get it and get stuck in the ghost elevator and have to do the trick of just banging on the buttons until it moves again. Trust me it’s not science at all. You just keep hitting buttons when you’re inside and hope for the best.

-By 10:30 I think I’m home free… And then… a guest who I’m going to not explain too detailed came down and took that same luggage cart (please someone kill me by now) and came to the desk and we had A Very Special Conversation.

Guest: what are your breakfast hours

Me: tomorrow they’re 7a-10a

Guest: Well today I came down and they were closed and I’m concerned and I came down at 11am and there was no food.

Me: well on weekdays, which our kitchen does consider Friday a weekday breakfast is from 6:30-9:30.

Guest: well there wasn’t anyone here at 11am

Me: Well tomorrow there will be someone serving food from 7am until 10am.

Guest: But I am concerned and also I want you to tell them that.

Me (giving up): Okay I will pass that along.

Our guest goes all the way upstairs and comes back and tells me he left a bottle of milk in a fridge. Does not specify if it’s our kitchen fridge or my back office fridge or the fridge in his room but I just wanted to go home so I offered to go look and just brought him two milks from our kitchen and told him I couldn’t find the bottle of milk.

I say this with all the love in the world and I am not insulting the guest but he was actually mentally disabled so I just tried to make it less confusing or annoying to him and he went to bed.

-Last guest of the night was from our train problem and he was a drunk huge dude in his boxers without shoes bitching at me about getting him a rental car. I can’t fucking do that. Unless you give me a credit card. Also it’s 10:50 and the rental car place is fucking closed. Go use the internet. Also the road is closed so I don’t know how you’re getting to where ever you will be going that’s hopefully far away from me. I don’t care that you don’t like the time you’d have to wake up to catch the train from OnlyTrainCompanyinAmerica can take you there, but these are the breaks. When you are too drunk to wear pants to the lobby, stand up by the elevator OR work a stupid rental car website, I don’t have time for you. Go to bed. Please, I want to go home.

I probably forgot some stuff but this was truly the night from hell. Please God or GhostGuest fix the roads so these people can get out of my life.

I seriously couldn’t use the bathroom tonight without something exploding, ringing, getting into a fight, vomiting and I still didn’t get all the way through my checklist. I’m probably going to get fired tomorrow.