how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · personal · Uncategorized

the one where i really almost lost my shit

Yesterday was my Friday and trust me when I say I needed it to be Friday. It was supposed to be a really really chill night but nope.

Surprise, Motherfuckas, we’re 5 rooms away from a sell out and everyone has their “I suck” pants on.

I get there to be greeted by an insanely busy lobby and a request to make a bunch of welcome bags that I never had any time to do.

Within minutes of getting strapped in to my uniform, I had a guest yelling at my partner in the lobby. He was trying to crowd in front of 7 people because he couldn’t find the tv remote in the room he was already checked in to.

Wait what? When it came to almost blows I stepped out from behind the desk and escorted this idiot and his granddaughter to their room to go look for the offending remote. On arrival the wife let me know they had found the remote. But then the husband berated me in the hall for a hot minute because he said his keys were acting up. Trust me, remember the guy from 159, he’s gonna be a problem later on.

I get back and we have a brief moment for me to check on coffee. Apparently this was going to be the second chapter to my shit fuck day because I started up a pot of decaf and walked away to check on the shrieking phones, steady stream of guests, etc.

Fast forward to happy hour. Our attendant hadn’t arrived yet so I went to start setting up except she showed while I was doing it so she got mad and then directed my attention to the coffee machine which was doing something shitty… as it was overflowing or backing up or something.

I’ve made thousands of pots of coffee and I haven’t fucked one up in awhile. I pulled the airpot off and it was a 1/4 full. I went to pull the filter thingy off and was promptly splashed with coffee because the filter part was clogged with god knows what and it went all over my uniform. And burned me too but whatever, I actually finally smelled like coffee and sadness. And there weren’t spare unis laying around.

Cue to me trying to check in a regular guest while trying not to whimper about my superficial coffee burns. Guest started being kind of fake jokingly rude and I cried. I mean I’m standing there in my undershirt trying to check this guy in and he’s giving me shit and then all of a sudden wants to know why my attitude sucks.

To regular guests credit he bought me dinner later when he realized he was being a fuckface so I won’t dog him too hard.

But then 159 comes back up. His keys don’t work. Since my coworker was about to fight him the last time we saw him, I made him new keys and ran over to his room. Showed him how the keys work and already saw three things that made me want to bounce him: 5 people in a 2Q, with an illegal cot, two dogs with one pet fee and this guy is already a fuck face.

Bouncing someone however when you have other people on the rental death panel isn’t the easiest. So asshole lived to annoy longer.

After noting the log book, the dude comes back up to the desk to “Ask where to eat for dinner” and really it was just to engage my coworker in another fight. I tried stepping in again and got shooed away by my coworker and the fuckhead guest and again we had other guests in the lobby besides this asshead so I attended to them. 159 leaves and my coworker is fuming.

My coworker gets off work and 159 rears his ugly head on the phone.

159: I GODDAMNED PAID OVER 400 LIKE 450 A NIGHT FOR THIS ROOM AND YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT I’M FUCKING FRUSTRATED THAT THIS ROOM KEY DOESN’T EVER FUCKING WORK AND IM ON VACATION WITH MY GRANDBABIES.

how are you calling me from inside the room if your door key is THAT bad? Also you’re here for one night at 165 something prepaid, please fuck yourself, I can see exactly what you paid for the fucking room and exactly how you paid for it. Shit I know where you live, don’t try to lie to me about how much you paid for a room.

Me: Well sir I’d be happy to run over some new keys but as I advised earlier..

159: I don’t have a fucking cell phone and nothing else you’ve done has fucking helped one bit..

I’m not proud.. I lost my temper.

Me: SIR AT BEST I CAN SEND SOMEONE OVER TO LOOK AT YOUR DOOR AND BRING YOU FRESH KEYS BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE AWARE THAT YOU’VE BEEN WARNED SEVERAL TIMES ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR AND YOU ARE ON EXTREMELY THIN ICE WITH THIS PROPERTY AT THIS POINT.

159: Just give me the fucking keys.

I slammed the phone down and my housewoman who is not someone who I’d like to cross asked me about what was going on and we decided to trade, I’d take shampoo and conditioner to a room in the main building. Yeah these greasy dudes had been at the pool at all day but at least all they wanted was shampoo.

My housewoman cameback from asshole in 159’s room with two pearls of wisdom.

1-“THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS TOO STUPID TO WORK A GOTTDAMN DOOR WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON THE KEY AND THE GODDAMNNED DOOR LOCK. HE’S BEEN STICKING IT IN BACKWARDS AND NOT EVEN DOING THE FULL SWIPE. BITCH.

2-Let’s just kick him out. He sucks.His dogs are annoying and there’s definitely an illegal bed in there or they’re building fucking forts. What the hell is wrong with everyone?

I got the fuck out late. I had to have my husband bring me a non uniform shirt to wear after the coffee incident. I cried. I considered going to the dog park and getting some doggy deposits for this fuckers door but I’m a pro.

how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized · weddings can eat a bag of whatever is handy

What a beautiful wedding said the bridesmaid to the waiter…

I worked opening shift this morning and knew we had some weddings in the house but nothing prepared me for the bucket of wedding crazy I got from a guest in our 4th floor section today…

About an hour after check out on our property the house line rang and it was room 4XX. I’ll be me and the lunatic I spoke to will be Crazy Wedding Lady.

Me: Thank you for calling the front desk, this is (ME) how can I help you?

CWL: EXCUSE ME BUT OUR ROOM HASN’T BEEN CLEANED YET. DON’T YOU THINK IT’S KIND OF LATE?

Me: Sorry to hear that ma’am, but it is only 1 hour after our designated check out time, so they may not have gotten to your room yet.

CWL: DON’T YOU THINK IT’S KIND OF LATE?

Me: Check out is at noon here ma’am and it is now 1:00p.

CWL: Well I want my room cleaned now.

Me: Okay ma’am I’ll notify housekeeping.

So I pick up the radio and call housekeeping and think that’s the end of that but no CWL called back down in less than five minutes.

CWL: MY ROOM STILL HASN’T BEEN CLEANED. I THINK THIS IS REALLY LATE AND THERE ISN’T EVEN A MAID ON MY FLOOR YET. THIS IS REALLY LATE AND MY ROOM HASN’T BEEN CLEANED THIS IS RIDICULOUS IT’S ALMOST 2PM!

it was not almost 2pm. Try 1:05pm

Me: I have alerted HOUSEKEEPING to your concern and I am sure some one will be along soon.

CWL: I JUST THINK THIS IS REALLY LATE.

Me: Someone will be up shortly.

CWL: BUT I HAVE TO GO TO A WEDDING. HOW WILL I GO TO THE WEDDING IF MY ROOM ISN’T CLEAN?

I have no earthly idea what one has to do with the other but I digress…

A few minutes later the phone rings again and my partner answers and gets the other guest in CWL’s room. We’ll call him Crazy Wedding Man.

CWM: This is ABSURD. I CAN’T GET READY FOR MY WEDDING BECAUSE THIS ROOM HASN’T BEEN CLEANED!

Partner: Sir this is because you are a stay over guest and we do not clean the rooms of stay over guests while they are still in the room. A housekeeper is on their way with clean towels and we will make up your room when you are gone for the day.

CWM: BUT I CAN’T GET READY IF MY ROOM HASN’T BEEN CLEANED. AND I DID LEAVE THE ROOM FOR AWHILE TODAY.

Partner: Oh?

CWM: Yes I stepped out for THIRTY MINUTES AT AROUND 8 THIS MORNING.

Our housekeeping comes in around 9 or 10 Partner explains this and the man on the phone is wailing “HOW WILL I GET READY FOR MY WEDDING IF THE ROOM HASN’T BEEN CLEANED?”

I don’t know do you clean your own home top to bottom before you do anything every day? What the fuck did you do to your room that you slept in last night that makes it too vile to get ready in?

Then their wifi wouldn’t work and so of course this is also keeping them from getting ready for the wedding.

For the rest of the day whenever something wasn’t working properly or fast enough we just would look at each other and say “Oh (Maintanence) isn’t back from the dump run yet? It’s because 4XX’s room isn’t clean yet. He can’t come back until it’s clean”

“Printers jammed because 4XX’s room isn’t cleaned yet.”

“I can’t go over to the breakfast room and get plastic forks for another room because 4XX’s room isn’t clean yet.”

“How will I get ready to go home if 4XX’s room hasn’t been cleaned yet?”

I wonder how much of their stay they will want discounted for this tragedy..

how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

tales from the phone

This happened the other night….

The house phone rang meaning that some diamond snowflake golden bamboo stick member wanted something and he didn’t want to come down and get it and he also apparently didn’t like the Houseperson on duty for some reason and wanted me to bring it.

Me: Okay sir I can bring something up to you instead, what item did you need?

I only offered because ¬†its one of the closest rooms to the lobby, I’m away from the desk 120 seconds max, and my Houseperson is overwhelmed cleaning up the pool area after a “heat wave” where we are and more than a few people unable to return their towels to the bin after using them. Normally when I’m alone on the desk at this place, I’ll say no.

Man: Comb. Girl, C-O-M-B, I need a comb. Do you want me to spell it again?

Me: (no I want you to be eaten by an angry bear): Sure sir if spelling entertains you, otherwise I’ll be right up with your comb.

Comb, that’s C-O-M-B guys, was deposited in a small hand through a crack in the door. Maybe the guy realized he was a douche on the phone and was too embarrassed to open the door fully or maybe it was just like every other time some naked man just wanted to yell at someone so they chose the front desk…Who knows?

la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

The Military Woman

So this lady  walked in the other night to get a room without checking availability or rates.

WALKED IN mind you, and slammed down her military id and credit card before I could even finish saying “Can I help you?”

Me: Can I…

Military Woman: GOVERNMENT ROOM TWO NIGHTS, TWO QUEENS 90 DOLLARS NOW.

Me (inside squirming with joy because that’s just not a very nice way to greet someone): Ma’am we are sold out of two queen rooms tonight.

MW: DELUXE TWO QUEENS! (So clearly she’s stayed with us before to even know we offer that.)

Me: Ma’am we’re sold out of those rooms as well. Actually we are completely sold out aside from a handicapped single king tonight.

MW: THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

(Sorry, would you like me to go kick someone out of a room for you? Are we in the middle of a coup?)

Me: Ma’am I’d be happy to let you look at the computer screen so you can see what I’m looking at but we are completely out of anything that would suit your needs.

MW: I’m complaining to your bosses and corporate for your disrespect of a United States officer!

Me: Please give your President my regards and have a nice day.

Don’t get me wrong. I love military people. I love Vets. I wasn’t even keeping her out of a room because she was being rude. I would have gotten her a room no matter how she spoke to me but I simply didn’t have one.

 

Oh and she never complained.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

grad weekend, night 3

It will be quiet they said, everyone is leaving they said…

We’re 80% full.

Loads of week long guests checking in as well as a mountain of walk ups. And for some odd reason they all arrive in clusters. Like five at a time. Lots of walk ins too. My partner cleared out about 1 1/2 hours ago and so it’s just me and the ever shrieking telephone and our house person.

Also joining us tonight:

-Loud Fucking Television in the Lounge Man. He’s watching Family Feud in my Lounge at a volume that is inhumane and I want to ask him to turn it down but there aren’t any rooms down here so there’s no reason for him to be quiet other than it’s driving me nuts. He claims he can’t sleep but I’m not sure why that means he can’t watch TV in his own room. Whatever. This is a new TV and some other asshole switched it over to Chrome cast at some point today and it took three of us to figure out how to switch it back because the new “futuristic remote” doesn’t have any writing on the buttons and it’s the only tv in the building with that brand so it’s not like I can get the master remote and fix it. Whatever. Old dude who’s clearly deaf kept insinuating that I was stupid for not being able to figure out the remote while both of my phones were ringing like crazy and I don’t know OTHER PEOPLE were in the lobby. Whatever. My maitenence man came back to the hotel to fix it.

-The man I swear was taking a dump while I was fixing his keys at the desk. No ones farts could smell that bad.

-Everyone going swimming for hours. We’re completely out of pool towels. My poor house person is doing laundry as fast as she can but let me tell you it hasn’t been fast enough.

-The phone won’t stop ringing. It’s a good thing but again I’m the only one here and the phone is out of control and somehow we’re sold out tomorrow except for our 2Q pool rooms and those are sold out tonight. The early check in requests I’m getting over the phone are making me want to unplug it. If all of the 2qP are sold out tonight, do you really think that people will be out of that room by your early check in request time that is prior to our check out time? Nope they won’t be.

I’m probably just worn out but fuck me I can not wait for my weekend which isn’t until Wednesday. I’m sick of being bitched at for minor things like people not understanding how the air conditioner works. How the fuck do you think it works? Push ON. There it works. Oh the ice machine is too far away? Well shit let me rearrange the whole building for you…

Seriously I love my job just this weekend has been A LOT. When your rates cross over the 3 bills mark people get very very very needy…

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · third party bookings · Uncategorized

my third graduation weekend begins…

Come Sunday I am going to be a husk of an FDA.

Tomorrow I go in to open again. Tomorrow is the unofficial start of the weekend in the city where I work. Tomorrow is the unofficial start of alumni weekend for the college that’s about to make my life hell by graduating.

We are a 3-4 star hotel. Definitely top 10 in our city and we have nice rooms. It’s not the Ritz my bitches but it’s nice. Not sure if it’s 450 dollars a night two night minimum nice but I could literally Air B&B my laundry closet at my apartment for like 300 dollars, so charging almost 500 a night for a room isn’t that absurd.

But the people… the people have the whole city on double time. The bartenders in town are bracing for it. My waitress friends. Uber drivers. Everyone is getting ready. This city is about to explode… the nearest town to us is having a giant Fathers Day car show too that totally fucks up everything even when it’s not grad weekend. No idea why no one talked to anyone else but all of humanity is coming to live with me and the genderless personhood of the keys this weekend and they are paying out the asshole for it.

The phones have been ridiculous. People trying to get out of the two night minimum. People trying to get a rollaway in a 2Q. People pissed off that we don’t have suites, but they knew we didn’t when they made their reservations. People trying to make a reservation with one agent and cancel it with another. People making reservations through expedia and then calling to change it up when they straight up know that they can’t.

It’s gonna be a long weekend…

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · third party bookings · Uncategorized

the Scottish Broad

Yesterday a woman came to check in at my hotel traveling from Scottland, alone.

There was a reason for that. She was well….

I’ll be me. She’ll be Scottish Broad.

Me: Welcome to the (this place) Hotel, How can I help you today?

Scottish Broad: SCOTTISH BROAD!

Me: Yes, so you have a reservation.

SB: I’d better.

Me (in my head) Wouldn’t you want to be sure about this before leaving the country?: Well ma’am if I could just take a peek at your ID and credit card I can get started…

SB: IT’S ALREADY PAID FOR!

Her voice is like someone taking a piece of glass and running it over a cheese grater. With an accent. And when she said it was paid for, I knew… fucking Expedia.

Me: Yes ma’am I’m sure it is, but however I can’t check you in without looking at your ID just for your safety of course and this hotel requires an actual credit card on file in case of damages… (She starts to interrupt me, but never the less , I persisted) AND while I know YOU won’t damage the room we have for you, it’s hotel policy and I’m sure YOU understand, IT’S NOT PERSONAL.

SB reluctantly digs into her fanny pack and I finally pull up her reservation. Other than this is an Expedia reservation there is ZERO information on it otherwise. No requests. Nothing.

Me: Okay ma’am we have you in XXX and it’s over here and…

A shrill noise coming from SB interrupts me..

SB: IS THAT A GROUND FLOOR ROOM? I SPECIFICALLY TOLD THE PERSON AT CENTRAL RESERVATIONS I WOULD ONLY STAY IN A TOP FLOOR ROOM, HOW DO I HAVE A GROUND FLOOR ROOM?

Me: Ma’am you didn’t speak to Central Reservations according to your reservation, your reservation was made through Expedia, who did not put in that request for you. And ma’am we are sold out of your room type and the room that was assigned to you is the last room of your room type that is available.

SB: Rubbish. Expedia IS Central Reservations.

Me (internally screaming, I am so glad insane Scottish woman that knows how my job works better than I do thinks that Expedia is our Central Reservations.): Ma’am for this room type this is the best I can do at this point, we are completely sold out and I do not have another room in YOUR ROOM TYPE at this moment.

SB: So I suppose I’ll have to complain DAILY, HOURLY EVEN until you can move me to the room that I requested and you blatantly refuse to give me.

Yes lady I am refusing to give you a room I don’t have. Please shut up. If my manager wasn’t here you’d be gone by now because you are going to be a giant pain in the ass for four fucking days and I am already tired of you.

Luckily my manager came out of his cave at this moment and looked it up and we ended up, upgrading this screechy woman to another room of a different type that she should have paid more for but because it’s not pet friendly we don’t get a lot of requests for. Scottish Broad glared at me and thanked the “nice boy in the tie” as she was bellowing into her cell phone on the way to her room for “doing his job”

Yo, hold my purse, Ima about to take my earrings off…