how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

the one where someone actually apologized to me

So yesterday I had a former guest call asking about a bill. I looked up the folio while this man told me his life story on the phone. I guess he stayed with us a few weeks ago for 9 days.

First of all with our rates, that’s your first mistake, we’re not cheap. But when I found his bill and he was getting more and more distressed and just getting ruder by the moment. I’ll be me and he’ll be Bill Guy.

Bill Guy: So I have a charge for 859.00 and then another charge for 101.00 and we checked out the night of the 17th!

Me: Okay well if you check out after 1pm, that’s still a full day and you’re telling me you came down to the desk and checked out at 9pm.

BG: Yes but we didn’t leave for our flight until 4am.

Me:0_o Okay so if you stay past 1pm it’s a new day.

BG: but we checked out at 9pm

Me: and yes that would still be after 1pm

BG: I didn’t spend the night on the 17th, we left at 4am.

You ever have one of those days when you’re just not playing with these people anymore?

Me: Sir, you clearly are not understanding me. You were given a bill for your room if you had left the minute you came to the desk with the instructions to LET US KNOW when you were actually departing the room. By staying until 4am and never actually checking out you technically stayed on the date you don’t feel you should pay for, so since you are not listening to me, I am going to transfer you to my general manager and allow them to explain hotel policies to you.


I wrote out a note for my GM who was in the lobby talking to someone.

She came over to me before going to her office and I told her what had happened and in the middle of explaining this idiocy to her the guy called back and asked for me.

BG: You know I just looked at the bill again and was thinkin’ about what you said and I see that I am just confused and wrong. I’m sorry young lady I was being a cuss and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.

Me: blink blink blink: Oh sir don’t even worry about it, I’m glad you were able to resolve the issue, if you’d still like to speak to my manager she is right here..

BG: Oh no not necessary. Please have her disregard the voicemail I left.

Me: Sure thing sir, have a lovely day we look forward to seeing you again soon.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized

the sketchy night of very bad not very good things

Okay I knew this weekend was going to be a Shit Show. The very big important university has some family weekend going on and the local tourist trap beach has a festival celebrating clams so all the hotels are full and the prices are higher than Snoop Dogg.

Anything to do with university and the parents coming is a ridiculous mess. Parents for some reason never book a room that’s large enough for the family and think we have this storage room full of two queen rooms that we’re just waiting to swap out because Little Becky (with the good hair) MIIIIIIGHT want to spend the night with her parents this weekend. (Spoiler alert, she does not.)

Tonight’s cast of looloo’s was wide and varied but a few stuck out. Let’s meet the contestants shall we?

1-Visiting us all the way from a big ass wildfire, we have EVACUEE WOMAN. My heart goes out to her it does. It’s not her fault her city burnt down or that she has medical problems or that her insurance company sucks at doing paperwork. What is her fault is not stating at check in that someone else was paying for her room leading to her being sour. Then dramatic when she recounted all the horrors she’s experienced and then her suddenly thrusting a cell phone into my face and my manager’s face when she located an insurance agent. Then she immediately turned her nose up at the room I had chosen for her BECAUSE OF HER FUCKING MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND THE HUGE AMOUNT OF LUGGAGE SHE HAS WITH HER, where she can IDK use the elevator to access her room. The reason she doesn’t want the room? She doesn’t like the view.

She wants to look at nature. But she can’t climb stairs.

Okay…. Y’all on a weekend like this one, I can’t just go yep lady not paying for your room and paying disaster victims rates you get the nicest room possible. Let me just throw out these people paying over 300 dollars a night so you can look at… well shit I don’t know what you’re going to look at WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STRIP MALL AREA, TWIT.

She then went to her room and called down and threatened to switch hotels because her TV didn’t come on right away. Great, fine, go to another hotel! Maybe they have some nature for you to look at. We have a pancake house and a mountain. Whatever.

2-Crazy assed lady on the bench. We have some guests staying with us at the moment that don’t look like the can afford the price of admission, but the hell do I know, ya know? So the first three times I saw Crazy Assed Lady on the Bench, I thought, “well here’s a woman smoking cigarettes and talking on her Bluetooth. She was definitely having a conversation with someone, even that person was Elvis. Three hours later she was still out there… probably time to call the cops.

3-Bitchy Bike Babe had us move her room assignment a million times to make sure they could see their bikes. BBB also didn’t want to stay in a 2 Q in the Dungeon Hallway which is where I put all the bikers because they literally can sit on the balcony and stare at their bikes. She was just rude and off putting though. Finally we made her and her husband happy enough they went to get a luggage cart to abuse and yell at. Sorry luggage cart, but it’s better you than me.

4-Sketchy Bitch Lady. SBL was by far my favorite. She was insane from the get go. She was standing like 3 feet from the desk bellowing her reservation information and proceeded to ask for a “newer room” and telling me her room THE LAST TIME SHE STAYED THERE “was sketchy and she wasn’t happy.” Great so unhappy that I am standing here talking to her. Awesome. She requests a pool view and she paid for a standard. Nope. Just be glad I don’t want to talk to you ever ever again or you’d be sleeping next to the ice machine. Please take your keys and go. Nope, she called down again about breakfast, wifi and pool hours and generally everything I was telling her while she was whining about not getting a pool view.

If you want a pool view, book a goddamned pool view. If you can’t afford the 10 dollar upgrade fee, don’t be an asshole straight after walking in the door, I  may hook a sis up but not when you act like a turd monster on arrival. Bye Girl Bye.

Then she had her daughter call down and demand more hair products. Sure, I wear my fitbit to work for a reason. Here’s your soap lady in an entirely different building on the third floor.

Some of the other funny guests included: Guy who was so smashed that he was falling asleep on the desk when his wife was checking him in. Wife had to resort to calling him like a puppy to get him to follow her to their room. She shrugged and was like “Men, amirite?”

The funny French family who loved my usual line of “I speak French like a trashcan.”

The guy who almost caused a 5 car accident coming into our parking lot who also had a yappy little dog of some sort with him and looked at  me like I grew a second head when I handed him a pet policy.

Tour Bus driver who insisted I give her a walk in rate of under 200 dollars. Nope.

The really nice man who wanted to go get Starbucks for us. We didn’t want him to though because…

WHAT THE FUCK CITY OF PINEAPPLE? Y’all are ripping up the road in front of my hotel which okay cool but the trucks honking constantly and the closing of the lanes has some of these people who were throwing out 350 dollars a night kinda pissed off. I don’t know who decided one of the busiest weekends of the fall was the best time for this, but I’d like to mildly inconvenience them in some passive aggressive manner.

Too Long; Didn’t read: I hate Parents Weekend.

la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

Are you ready for the sex girls, no one is ready for the real sex girls

So last night I’m working the end of my 3-11 and this girl comes in while I’m checking in a shit load of Germans and since it’s taking so long she goes to the bathroom and comes back. She has a reservation and is kind of not looking at me in the face but she’s pretty.

Observations. Monday night and she has big fake eyelashes on, heavy make up, but her hair is piled up in a messy bun, she has a really tight tshirt on from a pot shop in another city and some leggings and when she hands me an ID and CC while sighing heavily and looking over her shoulder she has these really long crazy pointy cat claw looking nails, which I complimented her on, trying to make conversation with her while I checked her in.

Me: So I’ve got a room for you in the main building so you can use the elevator, in case you have a lot of luggage.

Her: uhhh um okay.

Me: I see you have a room with two Queens, is that correct?

Her: Yeah

Me: Okay cool just wanted to make sure it wasn’t a mistake. How many people in the room? Just want to make sure I give you enough breakfast vouchers.

Her: It’s just me.

Me: Okay.

I hand her the key packet and show her how to get to her room and she interrupts me at this point.

Her: Wait you don’t have anything on the ground floor, I need to be able to see my car from my room.

Me: well your balcony will overlook your car if you park here (pointing on the map)

Her: Are you sure I can’t have a ground floor, like away from everyone? Outside facing door maybe?

Me: We have an elderly tour group in the house tonight ma’am so our ground floor outside access rooms are all taken up. The elevator will provide easy access to your room.

Her: Okay… thanks.

So she shuffles off to get her car and move it and I’m sitting there processing her behavior. When she comes back in she has a very similar girl with her. Loads of make up, cat claw nails, only her hair is already done. They have minimal luggage.

So here’s the thing, I know what’s up. They’re either working girls or they’re traveling strippers or both. I honestly couldn’t give a fuck, I’m just more irritated that she told me she was alone when she had someone with her. We don’t charge extra for a second person in a room with 2 beds, that’d be fucked up.

But honey, you aren’t fooling me. I don’t give a fuck, everybody’s gotta make money. I just don’t want to see the cops while I’m on shift.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

Mr Picky

A few months back a man from the other side of the country called wanting a reservation for here at Casa De Pineapple. But before I would make that reservation he had some specific questions.

1-How many Unitarian or Episcopalin Churches were in our city? And did I know where this particular church was.

2-How far are we from downtown? Could he walk there, he’s 71 you know so…

3-So is there a bus system then? And how are your cabs? No lady I don’t uber I’m too old to uber. Did I mention I was 71?

4-What sort of breakfast items do you serve? Is the sausage kosher?

5-How far are you from my son’s house (this is without giving me his son’s street, let alone address)?

6-Give me your top 5 places to eat in order and give me their phone numbers.

I wasn’t busy that day so I did all this and finally Mr Picky booked a room and I cringed and prayed I wouldn’t be here while he was staying here. Anything is possible. People I hated talking to on the phone check in all the time and I never see them.

This past weekend I was working mornings and on Sunday an older man in a suit came down with a big list and a bunch of names and what not written on it and when I said Good Morning! he said:


Me: Well okay I can call the cab company for you, but do be aware that we only have X number of cabs in town and it is quite early so I am not sure how long it’s going to take.

He hands me the list and my heart sank. Oh no. It’s that guy.


No please, no thank you. Okay. So I call the main cab company and they tell me they don’t have any drivers signing in, in my city until 9am. Okay. So I try the other cab company and that cab couldn’t even start driving for another hour and a half. I explain this to Mr Picky and he pulls out his flip phone from 1790 and says:

MP: Well I can’t uber. My phone is too old, you’ll have to call Uber for me.

I probably don’t need to explain to anyone reading this that you don’t call Uber. At this point the lobby is starting to get busy and I know where he’s going so I check on my phone what the time and price for an uber would be. 4 minutes and 7 dollars and I order it for him. On my card.

During this four minutes Mr Picky paces around the lobby and tells me all of his plans for the day which include taking over my lounge area to “work” Also asking me where he can get breakfast at the precise minute he gets back (duh the free breakfast room that’s apparently located on an invisible plane of existence.)

I walk out with him to the Uber to explain that he wouldn’t be driving me but my guest.

Not once does Mr Picky thank me or even offer to pay me back for his ride.

When he comes back in about an hour and some change he just storms past the desk to change out of his church clothes and into his weird old man clothes. Then he storms past the desk to breakfast. Then comes back.


Me: What?

MP: You saw me come in, where did I put my sunglasses?

Me: Well I umm didn’t see you put them anywhere in the lobby so I’d guess the breakfast room or your room.


Me: Ummm.. no.


Me: Sir, I never saw you wearing a hat.


Me: I assure you I didn’t notice a hat on your head.

The phone rang thankfully and he stomped off. Also his friend he had been waiting for showed up and they went to the lounge area. I looked up a few minutes later and realized WHAT THE FUCK, they’d dragged our large lounge table over in front of the door and basically rearranged the room, what for I don’t know but they were blocking the door which is a fire hazard. I relayed this to the FDA coming on after me and clocked out. I had enough of Mr Picky.

So today I came in hoping he was gone. NOPE.

Before I even got all the way into my uniform Mr Picky was at the desk asking for “Stacey” which is apparently my name (that’s not my name) because Stacey knows how to get him a ride to the airport.

The fuck?

So I clock in and come out and he just launches into it.

MP: My Uber driver from yesterday can’t take me to the airport. I need you to call Uber and get me a different one.

Me: Sir that’s not how Uber works. I can see what it would COST YOU to take an uber if we schedule ahead tomorrow or I can call you a cab.

MP: Your night person told me cabs aren’t reliable.

Me: I assure you if we make you an appointment we can get you to the airport.

MP: Can’t you just call an Uber?

Me: No.

I did look up how much an uber would be, it was over 20 dollars. Nope, not doing it. So I called the cab company and scheduled him a cab an hour before he actually needs to leave to get to our airport just to be sure. They said fine and put it in the appointment log. I put a note out for night auditor to call and check on it later.

Mr Picky again doesn’t say thank you and just strides away from the desk to rearrange my lobby furniture again to suit his weird ass. Whatever.

Mr Picky’s friend arrives again and they take up the lounge until evening reception starts. Around the time the reception starts, they take off for dinner and I’m like thank god.

Mr Picky came back tonight buzzed on wine and proceeded to tell me the story of his book he’s writing and the woman who’s been showing up to hang out with him and just blabbed on and on until I had another customer walk up. He turned around and stomped off to his room. Again not one polite word for arranging everything for him from his dinner reservations and transportation and not hitting him upside his head with a cookie tray for moving my furniture.

He’ll be gone by the time I get here tomorrow. He’ll probably leave me a shitty review.

la la la lobby time · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

Genderless Personhood of the keys

When I checked in at the last [brand hotel] I stayed at for my high school reunion, this happened.

Upon check in the FDA and I were shooting the shit and he called me sir and I called him ma’am and we burst out laughing because we honestly have no idea what we’re saying half the time. So for fun we chanted in unison the check in spiel to each other and you should have seen the other guests faces, because it goes about like this:

You room is the 3rd floor, the room number is on the key packet. Breakfast is from 6:30-9:30 in the breakfast room directly behind you. The wifi log in is included in your keypacket BUT because you are a rewards club member, your member ID also will log you in. Check out time is at 11a but as a rewards member you do have the option of a late check out if you do require it. If there is anything else I can do for you I will be here until 11, otherwise there is someone at the desk 24 hours a day to meet any needs you may have. Please enjoy your stay.

I worked at this brand for less than 6 months. I can say this shit in my sleep.

My husband looked slightly terrified and the rest of the lobby just was like this :-0.

We high fived and the FDA gave me extra Andes mints and off we went.

Everyone at undisclosed location got tipped out hard core. I love you too.