A few months back a man from the other side of the country called wanting a reservation for here at Casa De Pineapple. But before I would make that reservation he had some specific questions.
1-How many Unitarian or Episcopalin Churches were in our city? And did I know where this particular church was.
2-How far are we from downtown? Could he walk there, he’s 71 you know so…
3-So is there a bus system then? And how are your cabs? No lady I don’t uber I’m too old to uber. Did I mention I was 71?
4-What sort of breakfast items do you serve? Is the sausage kosher?
5-How far are you from my son’s house (this is without giving me his son’s street, let alone address)?
6-Give me your top 5 places to eat in order and give me their phone numbers.
I wasn’t busy that day so I did all this and finally Mr Picky booked a room and I cringed and prayed I wouldn’t be here while he was staying here. Anything is possible. People I hated talking to on the phone check in all the time and I never see them.
This past weekend I was working mornings and on Sunday an older man in a suit came down with a big list and a bunch of names and what not written on it and when I said Good Morning! he said:
MP: GET ME A CAB.
Me: Well okay I can call the cab company for you, but do be aware that we only have X number of cabs in town and it is quite early so I am not sure how long it’s going to take.
He hands me the list and my heart sank. Oh no. It’s that guy.
MP: I HAVE TO BE AT CHURCH BY 8AM. CALL ME A CAB.
No please, no thank you. Okay. So I call the main cab company and they tell me they don’t have any drivers signing in, in my city until 9am. Okay. So I try the other cab company and that cab couldn’t even start driving for another hour and a half. I explain this to Mr Picky and he pulls out his flip phone from 1790 and says:
MP: Well I can’t uber. My phone is too old, you’ll have to call Uber for me.
I probably don’t need to explain to anyone reading this that you don’t call Uber. At this point the lobby is starting to get busy and I know where he’s going so I check on my phone what the time and price for an uber would be. 4 minutes and 7 dollars and I order it for him. On my card.
During this four minutes Mr Picky paces around the lobby and tells me all of his plans for the day which include taking over my lounge area to “work” Also asking me where he can get breakfast at the precise minute he gets back (duh the free breakfast room that’s apparently located on an invisible plane of existence.)
I walk out with him to the Uber to explain that he wouldn’t be driving me but my guest.
Not once does Mr Picky thank me or even offer to pay me back for his ride.
When he comes back in about an hour and some change he just storms past the desk to change out of his church clothes and into his weird old man clothes. Then he storms past the desk to breakfast. Then comes back.
MP: WHERE ARE MY SUNGLASSES?
MP: You saw me come in, where did I put my sunglasses?
Me: Well I umm didn’t see you put them anywhere in the lobby so I’d guess the breakfast room or your room.
MP: YOU DIDN’T SEE THEM?
Me: Ummm.. no.
MP: WHERE IS MY HAT? ITS GREEN I WAS WEARING IT EARLIER WHERE IS IT?
Me: Sir, I never saw you wearing a hat.
MP: YES YOU DID.
Me: I assure you I didn’t notice a hat on your head.
The phone rang thankfully and he stomped off. Also his friend he had been waiting for showed up and they went to the lounge area. I looked up a few minutes later and realized WHAT THE FUCK, they’d dragged our large lounge table over in front of the door and basically rearranged the room, what for I don’t know but they were blocking the door which is a fire hazard. I relayed this to the FDA coming on after me and clocked out. I had enough of Mr Picky.
So today I came in hoping he was gone. NOPE.
Before I even got all the way into my uniform Mr Picky was at the desk asking for “Stacey” which is apparently my name (that’s not my name) because Stacey knows how to get him a ride to the airport.
So I clock in and come out and he just launches into it.
MP: My Uber driver from yesterday can’t take me to the airport. I need you to call Uber and get me a different one.
Me: Sir that’s not how Uber works. I can see what it would COST YOU to take an uber if we schedule ahead tomorrow or I can call you a cab.
MP: Your night person told me cabs aren’t reliable.
Me: I assure you if we make you an appointment we can get you to the airport.
MP: Can’t you just call an Uber?
I did look up how much an uber would be, it was over 20 dollars. Nope, not doing it. So I called the cab company and scheduled him a cab an hour before he actually needs to leave to get to our airport just to be sure. They said fine and put it in the appointment log. I put a note out for night auditor to call and check on it later.
Mr Picky again doesn’t say thank you and just strides away from the desk to rearrange my lobby furniture again to suit his weird ass. Whatever.
Mr Picky’s friend arrives again and they take up the lounge until evening reception starts. Around the time the reception starts, they take off for dinner and I’m like thank god.
Mr Picky came back tonight buzzed on wine and proceeded to tell me the story of his book he’s writing and the woman who’s been showing up to hang out with him and just blabbed on and on until I had another customer walk up. He turned around and stomped off to his room. Again not one polite word for arranging everything for him from his dinner reservations and transportation and not hitting him upside his head with a cookie tray for moving my furniture.
He’ll be gone by the time I get here tomorrow. He’ll probably leave me a shitty review.