how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

well that was different

Slice of life from my lobby today. I’m at the desk and this guy comes down asking for ice. Now all of our ice machines are on high floors. Don’t ask me why I didn’t build this place. But if someone comes down to the lobby asking for ice I will generally go to the kitchen and get it for them as long as they have their bucket with them.

We have very high counters here and the guy approached the desk appearing to have something in his hands and well this happened.

I’ll be me, he’ll be IG = Ice Guy

IG: Yo, where’s the ice machine at?

Me: Well it appears you have a bucket with you so I’ll just get it for you from down here.

IG: Sweet!

I go around the counter and here’s this guy holding his room’s trash can.

Me: Sir, that’s your trash can?

IG: I don’t have an ice bucket.

Me: Did you look under the tv where the glasses and waters are?

IG: Well it wasn’t in the fridge so I don’t have one.

Me: 0_o

I filled his stupid ice trash can up. He’ll probably want to move rooms tonight when that shit melts all over his room. Idiot.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · third party bookings · Uncategorized

The Psychoist Psychoshift

So I come in today for a 3-11 and IDK what the fuck had been going on all morning but everyone already seemed like they were in a shitty mood. Then I realize it’s that time of the month…. no not mine, time to turn in tax exempt forms for guests we don’t charge whatever tax it is to. And all the forms were fucked up, including one of mine because someone filed it instead of leaving it in the folio because the guest was still in house.

But immediately the first guests I had were jerks. I gave them a room and went through all the usual shit and they were like “Oh this no good! We demand 3rd floor. We demand 3rd floor this morning on the phone and they told us we have 3rd floor.”

Which is of course why they were pre-assigned a 2nd floor room. Because notes in the profile for these guests had no mention of this stupid 3rd floor room. I look in the system and what the fuck do you know even though it’s already check in we have a LARGE number of dirty rooms still. What the fuck housekeeping?

So I call housekeeping and they just hadn’t finished inspecting rooms yet. I look on the tape chart and see this room in the main building that is their room type and took off upstairs with my key and yep this fucking room is clean just not in the system yet. So I haul ass back down three flights of stairs and make these people new keys. Do I get a thank you? No. Just “Good.”

Cultural differences maybe? Fuck if I know. Not a good start to my day.

Anyway after that one of my bosses who’s been on vacation started in on tax forms and personal accountability and just the same shit she always says but it’s disheartening. Like no one ever says hey good way to handle that, and this comes into play in the rest of my shit show day. I’m looking at the numbers we have available and begging them to close off online reservations. When we have five rooms and people are constantly trying to move and I can’t keep up… like we’re gonna sell those rooms, relax, just take us off the internet for a few minutes so I can figure this shit out and throw the phone that won’t shut the fuck up out into the street and hope a large truck rolls over it.

And right as I’m saying this, my boss brings me a Hotel Tonight reservation.

Housekeeping leaves and we still have rooms marked as dirty. A tv breaks. Another cable box breaks. Another one.

In the middle of all this shit we get the “you guys are all managers and shouldn’t be asking me for my opinion on everything every minute” from the back office.

Okay great. Watch what happens when I do.

Hotel Tonight guy comes in. We’d blocked him into an HK because sorry when you book through Hotel Tonight we get to choose where you go. We don’t hate you or anything because its a relatively easy service to deal with on both ends. Those are just hard rooms to sell, so you get to reserve them for fuck all. And I go to check him in…. suddenly we have zero HK rooms.

Wait. What? We have no rooms. Except a deluxe room which I promise you we wouldn’t have sold to a walk up tonight and I am not going through walking a HT guest. Nope, too many people here, too much shit, not doing it.

If you’re curious, a Hotel Tonight reservation only works at the hotel you made it at. So if the hotel suddenly can’t house you? We get to find someone who can and then call the company and get you a new ghost card. This can take up to an hour sometimes. Bleh. Nope.

So I gave the guy the room. Single business traveler, he’ll be gone by 7am most likely. You know the guy, computer bag, small rolling luggage, wants a beer and to go to bed.

So I explain to HT guy what’s going on and he’s so Unicorny nice, he fucking tipped me five bucks for checking him in and making sure we had a room for him.

“I would have slept in the broom closet! Thank you!”

Awesome so my boss comes back from whatever she was doing and I said again “Seriously we need to close these rooms out, we have no more rooms.”

Boss starts getting heated because I hadn’t marked all the rooms clean yet and I said HK never said they were all clean and then she was like why didn’t I look at the housekeeping report? Ummm because it’s usually not in the drawer up front and we had all these rooms put back in order that were out of order, but guess who they forgot to tell?

So then I get “Communication is key! You need to communicate better.”

COMMUNICATE FUCKING WHAT? The rooms that EVERYONE kept taking out of order and not telling me or that they were back? That the rooms were all clean and no one fucking told me and I was running around afternoon to check because…. deep breath.

A few minutes later my boss comes out and says “oh I think HK did tell me the rooms were all clean, I guess I forgot to tell you.”

Enter the Parents From Hell. Parents from Hell joined us last night and the Dad is completely chill but his wife is so not. I can’t tell if her accent (very very very, how many more verys can I add here SHRILL British Accent) is what is making me flinch or just that she just asked so many questions. Any way they have two rooms and one is for their adult daughter. Wait for it, these rooms were reserved through Expedia of course. And they asked me if we could put them near each other when they checked in yesterday. I said sure but these room types, we don’t have any that close together. (This is important) I can put you on the same floor though. Okay cool off they go.

The Parents From Hell, who have been coming down and bossing me around about their daughter’s reservation over and over ask me if they can have a key to put some groceries into her room which one of my coworkers had thoughtfully switched someone out if so they could be across the hall from each other. I say sure because it’s actually their name on the reservation anyway, and they paid for it.

Phone rings and it’s the Parents From Hell calling from their daughter’s room and the mom is LIVID. I could hear her through the phone as my co-worker talked to her.

Mom- THAT GIRL SAID MY DAUGHTER HAD TWO BEDS IN HER ROOM AND THIS ONE ONLY HAS ONE.

CO- Ma’am on your reservation it says 1 king and you signed the registration card.

Mom- That’s NOT going to be okay. My daughter needs a room with two queen beds.

CO- Ma’m we’re practically sold out and I am unsure if I can get that for you if want to remain in the same building as your daughter.

Mom- I PAID FOR TWO BEDS.

(no she didn’t. My other coworker trying to be nice even gave the daughter a nicer room. But hey how the hell was I supposed to know they’d moved her to a new room after I’d changed it for them in the first place? Oh right I’m a fortune teller and I know all…)

CO- She’s going to have to be on the other side of the building or take the other room you were just in.

Mom- TWO BEDS.

CO- okay.

When the Dad came down he was all apologies of his wife’s behavior and thanked us for whatever the fuck we did by moving the daughter to a room with two beds.

Dad- “Don’t worry. And thank you, I don’t want to listen to this shit for the rest of my trip”

There was so much other shit I can’t even remember but it was literally the dumbest day. Many guests barking one word questions, wanting directions over and over including the girls who I checked in for their business trip and one was actually too dumb to differientiate the CITY MAP from the hotel map.

I’ll be me, she’ll be DG

DG”Gosh this hotel is really big” She says pointing at the city map.”Where are our rooms on this map”

Me: They’re over here where I circled on the HOTEL map

DG: but where are they on this map? Gosh this place is just so big.

Me: See this dot? This is THE HOTEL. The rest of this map is the entire city. Your rooms are inside this dot I drew to show you where the hotel is. On this map of the hotel your rooms are here.

DG: gosh but

Her friend finally came up and rescued me.

Tomorrow is my actual Friday and 8 hours stands between me and me visiting another property, All hail other hotel, you get to take care of me this weekend.

I forgot to mention I checked in our owners tonight. Guess who didn’t know who the fuck they were and asked for their credit card and id’s and was on the phone and three different computers trying to find this guest we did have to walk a place to stay?

I’m getting fired.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · personal · sold out! · Uncategorized

okay go home Thursday, you’re drunk

I don’t know what the fuck was in the water today but everyone was more batshit crazy than normal.

I had an over sell on certain rooms but not to worry we fixed that bullshit really quick. But everyone on the phone and almost everyone who came through the lobby was just INSANE.

I made reservations with this one bucket of fucking crazy last night. She’s staying with us on a state rate so she’s already getting hooked the fuck up. We’re supposed to take copies of the ID’s for the state rate. So in this story I’ll be me, my coworker will be Adorable Coworker and Crazy Fucking Tax Lady will be… you get the idea.

Me: Ma’am I need to see your government ID

CFTL: okay here you go.

Me: Great Ma’am so I will now need to make a photo copy of this government issued ID to put on file so you can get the rate.

CFTL: NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COPY MY ID I WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

No shit Sherlock, this is why I need to take a fucking copy of this dog shit. It’s not because I want to go fight the fucking ancient copy machine that hisses and boos at me when I walk past it, much less ask it to do it’s stupid job.

Me: Oh Umm okay…

ACW: Ma’am we actually really do need the copy of your ID.

CTL: NO.

Me: it’s fine. I don’t care anymore. If I get fired, I get fired.

CTL: Well. I can give you a business card.

ACW: It’s not the same thing.

Me: I don’t care. Here are your keys ma’am (and I paraphrase the rest of this) breakfast is over yonder please be eaten by Dr Fuckhead on the way to your room. Have a lovely day you crazy fucking bitch.

Fast forward to about 20 minutes later CTL is back at the desk complaining she doesn’t feel safe in her room. Her original room was literally 3 doors over from the “owners room” like she couldn’t be safer unless she just fucked off and didn’t bother us at all tonight. So we moved her. And then that room had this air conditioner that was too complicated to deal with even though its the same fucking AC we have in every room. So she wanted to move again. Bitch went through like three rooms. She even had my born again FDM pissed off and he was starting to get HEATED and he never does that. She was batshit crazy.

But now for the good stuff of the evening:

-Had a LOVELY COUPLE FROM SWEDEN that enjoyed joking with me. They were just happy to see a happy face. Total sweethearts. I wish there were 99 more rooms full of this couple because even with voucher travel they were a breeze.

-Had a bus come in tonight. It was literally the easiest bus ever. Without going into too much detail, they are part of some reality show / documentary. Their producers checked everyone in and did their own porterage and were just so nice. Like I wanted to help them with shit and they were all “nah just can we decide which rooms are ours?I want to be as far away from these fuckers as possible.” so I handed them all the keys and let them do their thing. They thanked me every time they went by the desk. I was shocked.

-One of my regulars ran into me at lunch and bought my lunch. We shot the shit about the hotel and he said I’m his favorite. It was just good fortune that the only empty seat in the place I was having lunch was next to this guy who I see every Monday and Thursday from here to eternity. He’s cool and such an easy check in. It was really nice of him to buy my lunch.

la la la lobby time · personal · Uncategorized

this is the story of a girl, who got a cold (cameo by one of my husbands co-workers)

I’m sick. I literally have my annual cold and there isn’t much I can do about it but take OTC drugs and try not to cry. I’ve already been called in once this week on my day off and our cable is broken, the internet is fucking up all over the place.

But… I had fun speaking French tonight and my French guests who are in general a pain tonight were not. They really had a good time talking to me and said my French wasn’t very bad at all. It wasn’t “Merde!” as I told them it was. So that was nice.

My husband came by to bring me more cold meds at one point which was funny because I checked in one of his coworkers tonight. I’ll be me and he’ll be Coworker Bro. This is half way through the check in…

Me: (noticing the hat the guy is wearing) Do you work for husbands company? My husband works there

CB: I do are you Bert or Ernie’s wife?

Me: Um Neither. I’m married to the *husbands name*

CB: Oh that’s right! We went out to dinner with Bert and Ernie last night. Husband  mentioned you though.

Me: Oh? (as I’m making keys)

CB: Yeah he said you worked somewhere.

I upgraded CB to a nicer room, it wasn’t quite the presidential suite but like we say when we travel on one of our companies dimes… “fuck it”

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I’m useless when my head is this stuffed up.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

Full Moon Rising

Thursday night I had a pretty full house with some interesting but not stressful people. I also was doing double duty as front desk and evening reception which meant glory glory praise be, I got to wear my own clothes, as in a black button up and black pants instead of my usual nightmare of a uniform shirt.

I actually like working reception and to be honest I’m not strict about making sure our regulars turn in all their drink tickets or shit like that. I just want to make sure people enjoy their complimentary mid grade booze and chips and dips. I take my food prep seriously which is hilarious since I’m the only one without a food handlers license.

Three of my regulars come together every Monday and Thursday and had a pizza race the other night. They all chose different places to order from and basically wanted to see which one was faster and which one was better. I imagine when you travel as much as these bros do, you need to come up with ways to entertain yourself besides cleaning me out of Coors light.

After that I met a couple of brothers who were victims advocates coming out to advocate on behalf of a woman who was murdered. Very noble. One of them borrowed my phone charger and returned it after I went home for the night. One of them came down though with an unusual request…

I’ll be me and he’ll be Older Gent.

Me: How can I help you?

OG: So I have an unusual question.

Me: Sir I assure you there is no such thing as an unusual question around here, what can I help you with?

OG: So because that trial I talked to you about earlier is on prison grounds, I need to check my gun with you guys in the morning.

Me: (internally- WHAT THE FUCK?) Umm.. is it umm

OG: I have a concealed carry (which he shows me the documentation) but I still can’t take it on the prison grounds.

Me: Umm does your firearm have a locked case?

OG: No thats the issue, I forgot I had it on me until we were half way her.

Me: Oh dear…

OG: (interupting) I mean I can unload it first but can I check it down here?

Me: Ummm my suggestion would be to visit the sporting goods store down the road and purchase a case for it before you bring it anywhere near the desk. We’re not trained to handle firearms sir.

OG: So I can’t just put it into a safe?

Me: Would it fit into one of our safety deposit boxes?

OG: No.It’s a pretty big hand gun.

Me: Well… you’ll need to purchase a case for it, unload it before placing it in the case and honestly if you don’t want to scare the agent working in the morning, you’ll need to put it inside of your suitcase. I wouldn’t have a problem personally checking your firearm with us but some agents might and it is up to the front desk person on duty if they feel comfortable taking any sort of luggage.

OG: And you won’t be here tomorrow?

Me: No.

He didn’t end up checking anything with the desk.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

please go home now

So Casa De Pineapple has four rooms full of people who just will not fucking leave. They extend a day at a time and it’s getting on my last fucking nerve.

The first two rooms aren’t that bad. It’s 2X1 and 2X2 and they are a mother and son staying across from each other. I think they’ve been with us for about a week. Son is the one doing all the talking. Mom kind of looks like an over tanned skeleton and they’re here from out of state and I can’t figure out why they keep extending especially because our rates jump a hundred dollars tonight. They don’t ask for discounts. They don’t want cookies. I haven’t seen them at evening happy hour. They’re just taking up rooms and walking through the lobby a lot. It also doesn’t seem like they brought a lot of clothes with them. They’re not from a hurricane state so I can’t figure it out. Whatever.

Across the hotel is the crazy fucking bitch in 3XX. She refuses to come down to breakfast and instead every day about 10 minutes before it’s over, she calls down to the desk asking us to make her two plates because “she so tired” (not a typo this is how she says it) and eventually either one of us will take it up to her or she materializes from her cave to pick it up. She says she and her husband need to stay with us because they are waiting for an apartment to open up. But then she calls the next FDA and tells them another date. Their bill has to be over a grand by now. And people are complaining about a smell coming from their room. The husband has to wear adult diapers so I imagine that’s what the smell is. He’s not dead or anything because he finally came down to the desk the other day when we explained to them that we have a sold out weekend ahead of us and they needed to leave today. Since I’m 3-11 today I’m hoping this check out is all done by the time i get in.

And finally we have Mr Chatty in 2XX. They are honestly one week away from being tourist tax exempt. They’ve been with us since mid August and extend day by day and I seriously need them to leave. Mr Chatty and his aunt are staying in a one room handicapped room. No idea how the sleeping arrangements are going up there but I don’t care. Their cats (TWO OF THEM) tore up our ottoman in the room. I don’t even know where the cats are shitting. I assume they have a litter box up there. Guy is nice enough but he’s quite often drunkish or jacked up on something or on pills. He leaves his trunk to his car or his aunt’s car open all the time. She’s also wearing diapers. He smokes so he’s going in and out all the time and always trying to buy the desk stuff from the store or the fast food place across the street, which is nice and all but he then just stands there talking to us even if we refuse a gift. He gave me and another co-worker some yogurt the other day even after we refused it.

But the cherry on top of the eccentric sundae was the other night. One of our regulars I guess alerted NA to a BODY in the back outdoor hallway where Dr Fuckhead is known to roam. NA goes out there and finds Mr Chatty laying on the ground… with his pants off. His junk out.

NA snaps a picture because he thinks he just found a dead body. Mr Chatty’s pants were folded over the fence and upon closer inspection he realizes Mr Chatty is just passed out and snoring. NA rouses the pantsless guest and hands him is pants and tells him to go to bed. His room mind you with the cats and the aunt in diapers is clear on the other side of the hotel. Guest gets up and seems to start putting his pants on and so NA just goes over to lock up some public space that hadn’t been locked yet. Something tells NA to go back through to make sure Mr Chatty had gone to his room… nope back asleep on the ground.

You’d think my GM would have us evict all these lunatics, but no even though the pants thing and the poop smell thing happened on Tuesday they were extended until today. Please god let us get rid of these people today, before I get there. We’re going to be slammed enough without naked guests and crazy old ladies who think we do room service.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

the one where a guest called the cops on me for not wanting to go dumpster diving

So tonight I go in thinking hey it’s Sunday everything is gonna be chill as fuck and at worst I have old people and the voucher travelers to deal with and the ungodly heat and the surprise rainstorm….

So yeah the guy in 2XX with the cats hasn’t left yet. He extends day by day and no one will ask him to find alternate lodging. I don’t care, he just chats a lot. The guy who’s been in 20X and 21X keeps fucking extending and he’s harmless and their card keeps working. The batshit crazy lady who wants a discount basically because she’s poor in 3XX keeps calling about 4 times per shift trying to get a discount for whatever and also ordered a bunch of rubber bands from me.

Again, it’s not the worst night ever. It’s just miserable hot outside and whatever.

Enter the DoucheBag In Pink.

Around 10pm he calls down to the desk inquiring about “a bag of shoes” that were missing from his room. Okay I don’t even remember when this guy checked in to 3X1 but I can be fairly certain we didn’t steal his bag of “slippers.”

I explained to him that housekeeping was gone for the day and we could check in the morning for this bag of slippers but I had no access to where they might be, but I might be able to get the houseman to check before they leave.

He tells me this is unaccepitable and slams the phone down in my ear. As you see this man really needed his slippers.

That I didn’t have.

So I figure whatever, another bad review, another day and go back to doing my work when this obnoxious gent comes in, wearing a pink dress shirt and he’s furious and yelling at me about his fucking house slippers.

Asshole will be asshole, I’ll be me.

Asshole: This is the worst hotel I’ve ever been to. You have no remorse for what you have done to me and I am calling the police.

Me: Sir, I already explained what we can do for you this evening but you weren’t especially clear on the phone if you just got here tonight and think someone went into your room or you think something was removed from your room during cleaning, as you hung up on me before I could look that information up.

AH: You know when I got here. I am calling the police.

Me: I see here on the screen that you checked in last night and it is now 10pm and you are telling me that someone went into your room and removed a bag of used shoes?

AH: YOU’RE NOT EVEN SORRY.

Me: I’m sorry you misplaced your belongings but I highly doubt they were stolen.

AH: well that’s a little better but this is still the worst fucking hotel I’ve ever been to in this country, you have no sympathy.

meanwhile I’m having flashbacks to the ant lady

Me: Sir where did you leave your bag of shoes, what kind of bag was it?

AH: In a trash bag near the recycling bin. We can not go to sleep until the slippers are found, you… you LADY have 30 minutes to produce our slippers or I am calling the police.

Me: Sir you are going to need to calm down now or we are going to cease this conversation. There is nothing I can do other than..

AH: YOU ARE THE HOTEL YOU WILL FIND MY SLIPPERS!

Me: I can’t ask my houseman to go open up housekeeping until you lower your voice and back away from the counter.

AH:I am calling the police in 30 minutes.

Me: I am calling my houseman right now if you’ll stop shouting long enough for me to use the radio. Again sir, calm down and step away from the desk or I’LL be calling the police.

He storms out and yells “YOU HAVE FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES” and I call my house person and then immediately go in the back in the closet where this guy can’t get to me and call my boss who says if he swears at me again to kick him the fuck out but otherwise write every thing up and if the dude wants to call the cops, fuck it let him.

I come back out to this guy talking to my houseperson whos a badass and she’s being nicer than I could have been considering how rude he’s being.

AH: YOU THINK THEY GOT THROWN AWAY? THAT’S RIDICULOUS WHY WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN THROWN AWAY?

HP: Well if you had them in a trash bag near the trash, its a logical assumption…

AH: THEN GET IN THE DUMPSTER AND FIND THEM ITS YOUR JOB.

Oh fuck you.

HP: I’m sorry sir we can give you access to the dumpster if you’d like to look but I am unable to do that…

AH: THEN SEND HER. (He points at me.)

No motherfucker I am not going dumpster diving because you’re an idiot and put your HOUSE SLIPPERS in a trashbag and put them by your trash can. Eat a dick.

AH: IM CALLING THE COPS.

Me: Sir I’ve already called my boss and he has instructed me if you don’t lower your voice you will have to leave the property. You are well within your rights to file a police report for your missing slippers, but I imagine unless they were thrown out, we will find them in the morning when all the girls are here…

AH: THIS IS THE WORST HOTEL EVER. I AM CALLING THE COPS IN 15 MINUTES.

Me: Fine I’ll call them too then.

The cops thought the entire thing was stupid but they had to come out anyway. I called my husband to sit in the lobby while I waited for the cops to show up. I told dispatch straight up I was leaving a written statement and going home at 11. When we left we saw the dude going back to the lobby so I called my coworker to warn them that asshole slipper bitch was coming back and my NA just said “I’m fucking evicting them if he comes in”

I asked if he wanted us to come back and he said “nope, i can handle someone being a cry baby about some house slippers.”

I can’t wait to read NA’s incident report