la la la lobby time · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized


I can’t even wrap my mind about what happened today so here is our incident report.

INCIDENT REPORT GUEST 3XXX – 6.11.18 -6.12.18
—Do not extenddddddddd-
1 AM- He came in the lobby and said he was coming to meet up with Panda and or The Queen…said he was supose to out with Panda. He got coffee rattled off a milllion words then tried to extened. I said I was unable to do that.- NA
-3:30 am- looks like there is more than one person.
-4:30am they are not sleeping. He came in and asked if Panda was working today. I said I do not know. The extra person in the room has a Local Plate Frame. Are these people are locals? They unloaded belongings from the car then moved and parked it behind the breakfast room for no reason. The plate number is XXXXXXXXX. Its a red Escalade.
-5am the Escalade is moved again.
-6:30am came in and asked again for Panda and The Queen.
-7:10am guest is in the hot tub some how. Am waiting for THE AVENGERS to arrive to kick him out. Neither Panda or I agreed to hang out with this guest last night. Guest was annoying in lobby- is here on a cc auth- irritated Bartender as well. Probably hung out in the lobby until about 7:30p Guest mentioned he had been kicked out of a few other hotels including the Ghost Hotel. -Me
-8:13a- Spoke with the Ghost Hotel- they confirmed that this guest harassed both staff and guests while on property and they have him on the DNR. Guest has been by the desk to try to friend me on Facebook and asked to email me a poem? Asked how my night with my husband was? Have been informed that he also was annoying the breakfast staff. THE AVENGERS will come down when I inform him that he can not extend and needs to go elsewhere. Would reccomend putting this guest on the DNR. –Me
-9:00a- Guest told Houseman he kills people for a living. He works for Trump and answers only to Trump and is part of some mafia. Non Emergency Police contacted to evict guest. Guests credit card went through however. Guest was to be informed by police that he is not welcome to return to the property at any time or he would be arrested for trespassing. -Me
10:00a- Housekeeping goes into room and finds a left over backpack and glass pipe and assorted pills and what is most likely meth in room. -Me
And this was my Monday/Tuesday and Graduation hell weekend is on it’s way…..
how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized

things i wish i could say

Guest: Where is breakfast?

Me: The same goddamned place it was yesterday when I drew you a map to get to it. You can see breakfast, its the big room that has food in it. I can literally see the stupid door from here.

Guest: Where is breakfast?

Me: Hell. It’s in hell.

Guest: What is this shit about the pet policy? You didn’t have a pet policy when I stayed here in 1492

Me: We literally built the building around the pet policy. If you really stay here every year on the exact day every year youve memorized our pet policy.

Guest: what am I supposed to do with my dog if I can’t leave him in the room?

Me: fucking don’t bring your dog. dont come. i don’t care. But we’re charging you every time your dog barks if you do leave him in the room.

Guest: (seeing I’m out of uniform and outside waiting for my ride) What time is breakfast? Where is starbucks? What’s the wifi code?

this actually happened today when I was getting ready to leave

Me: 0_o

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · third party bookings · Uncategorized

no. no. no.

My shift ended tonight just to skip to the end before I start,  with my husband forgetting to pick me up so I decided to stop off and hang out with a friend of mine who works up the road and some fucking asshole just spilled half a beer on my keys, my brand new jacket and half my uniform. I have beer in my underwear and after the night I’ve had you’ll understand why this is just the shit on top of shit toast with a shit cherry on top.

My AGM quit yesterday. My FDM quit today. We are completely sold out. Like we’re sold out until at least Tuesday and the phone keeps fucking ringing and… okay deep breath Lady you got this…

But no. I don’t. It’s the psycho shift which is already a fucking disaster area on a good night. For those of you playing the home game we currently have 1/3 of our rooms being held up by a federal government agency who likes to just throw fucking rifles and machine guns on our counter while they’re dealing with the fact that these people who are heavily armed keep turning off their own room keys and are too arrogant to not listen to us when we say STOP PUTTING YOUR FUCKING STUPID ROOM KEY NEXT TO YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE AND PLEASE STOP PUTTING LOADED FUCKING WEAPONS ON MY COUNTER.


Being as it is a university open house clusterfuck weekend we have worse than Special Snowflakes in house we have unreasonable My Kid Is Going To College OMG WTF I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PARENT ON THE PLANET SNOWFLAKES in the house.

The Uni drops by with the shuttle schedule for tomorrow and nine thousand million people swarm my desk for information they’ve already been given and then ask me for direction to the shuttle stop you can see from the front desk. Like if I told you the landmark we use to identify that stop you’d die. It’s not even remotely close to being able to be missed. It’s also right across the street. Also this shuttle is provided by the university, not the hotel. It could NEVER show up and it wouldn’t be our fault.

Every. Single. Parent. has already received this information and a map of the town and a map of the campus. How do I know this? My sister went to the same fucking school and as I was the adult over here in this city, I went with her to a fair number of her orientation events. I know what parents are provided. Anyone who says they are not are fucking lying or just forgot their shit at home.

So I have a line 4-5 people deep and am ALONE on an over sold night from 7pm on. I walked back in from picking up my dinner down the block that even though I called it in I still had to wait extra because all these VIP guests are in town and my partner was off.

Like literally our town has quadrupled in size this weekend. Everything is a mad house.

Phone is screeching with people trying to get in and rooms calling wanting shit I don’t have.

Door breaks. Another door breaks. I am reprogramming all the doors. The spa breaks but I can’t be buggered to go get it. All the expedia reservations are wrong. Fuck my life.

All the magic beans reservations are wrong. The government officials are eating all of the parents weekend goodies. We are out of coffee. We are out of everything.

I am the only person there, did I mention that? Did I mention we’re out of roll aways? Did I mention someone forgot to set up the fucking rollers in several rooms? Did I mention we’re out of blankets? Did I mention I’m alone?

I’m not proud of it but I straight hung up on a few people tonight. I’ll make it up by firing myself if need be but I am only one human being and this is a shit show and I am alone and I cried in the elevator when the woman I fucking did a huge favor to fucking called me YELLING because I forgot her extra blanket when she called me with 10 people in front of me in line. I had none in the back office which is NEXT FUCKING DOOR TO HER ROOM and had to go downstairs but I couldn’t because 10 people deep with a phone I actually took off the hook for 15 minutes to check people in. Bitch, good luck with my managers tomorrow. If they fire me because you want a discount I completely do not give a fuck.

Motherfuck my checklist. Motherfuck my chores. I locked the pool 3 hours after I was supposed to. Motherfuck giving a fuck about tomorrows reservations. I didn’t even have time to write down everything that went wrong.

All I said was multiple guests have management only issues. They will complain. It will be busy. If we are to be as busy tomorrow night, leaving New Girl without cover would not be okay however I will be out of town and unavailable to assist. Call someone else, I will see you on Sunday.

Fuck all of the things, shove all of the things in an uncomfortable place. Fire me, light me on fire, let one of our government agents shoot me, whatever. I’m not covering, I am not going back until Sunday and at this point I don’t care if something happens I will throw my phone in the lake if it rings.

I am 100% fried. I cried in the elevator. I cried in the hallway. I am only one fucking person.

I am done ranting. By Sunday I will have a thicker skin. By Sunday I will be ready to face this shit again but tonight as I sit in this puddle of beer in my uniform pants that some Sweetheart spilled on me. Fuck this.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the ghost room · Uncategorized

the night from hell


Okay not really but if you want to come work with me tonight, I’ll take you.

Last night went like this:

-Come in to slammed phones and two FDAs who were also slammed and hadn’t finished their chores. Cue to me jumping in before clocking in, to help my newest FDA that the ghost has issues with.

-Big fucking storm, that’s the point of this. Big fucking Hurricane Lucifer has closed roads to the north and south and east of us so OH HEY LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING WALK INS. It’s cool if you’ve got a head, I’ll figure out how to put it in a bed.

-Oh big fucking hurricane fuckshitup also was able to shut down a giant train full of people and goddamned OnlyFuckingTrainCompanyInAmerica IS NOT COMPING THEIR PASSENGERS ROOMS. So now I have that going on.

-Two weddings. I don’t care. I don’t make the weather. No I actually 100% don’t care that another guest is throwing up in the parking lot. It’s fucking raining, it will be gone in the morning. I literally don’t care.

-Conference room looks like someone opened the roof and let Satan himself and a smashed potato bar into it. I see this at 7pm when I’m making like the 20th jug of coffee for the lobby. We had some kind of conference in it all day and either housekeeping fucked off and didn’t clean it or the people left too late and house keeping was gone, but we have another group coming in today and guess who gets to clean the room?  Whatever, I don’t care but it took an hour to do and new FDA is on short shifts so I was trying to clean as fast as possible so she could leave before she’d have to take a lunch. 17 fucking conference room tables busted down, moved by myself, linens everywhere, trash full, had to vacuum. Blah blah blah not my job, broke a nail, almost cried. Finished and let co-worker go home.

-Arrogant Snowflake from some Asian country, which is only important because I CAN’T READ CANTONESE came in and was bossy and pushy and demanding a suite and shockingly when I have 6 rooms left? They’re not a fucking suite. None of them are suites. In fact you’re going to the GhostRoom ™. Come on Ghost do me a solid. In the middle of this pushy asshole’s check in he starts shoving his phone which I can’t fucking read in my face to show me that he doesn’t all of a sudden agree with the rate and I’m only half way through checking him into his 3 rooms that aren’t suites. I discounted the last one thinking he’d shut the fuck up but no. He wanted points and a welcome gift. At this point, I honestly stopped giving a fuck and let them pick out welcome gifts. Just like fucking go away. Nope. They literally asked me to go to the pharmacy for them, to conjure a cab (yeah good luck I’ll call, the wait was over an hour) to open their beers and a bunch of other shit. Seriously Ghost I hope you’re giving these silly chaps the business tonight.

-Conference room issue again, as tomorrow it is a host for a group that is court mandated education of some kind. Some of those court ordered guests decided to stay the night with us and were in the pool after I was supposed to close it. I told them if I heard one word about them, they’d be evicted and seriously its fucking raining but whatever.

-Another guest complained about a luggage cart being in the hallway and demanded I come to get it. Okay. So I go to get it and get stuck in the ghost elevator and have to do the trick of just banging on the buttons until it moves again. Trust me it’s not science at all. You just keep hitting buttons when you’re inside and hope for the best.

-By 10:30 I think I’m home free… And then… a guest who I’m going to not explain too detailed came down and took that same luggage cart (please someone kill me by now) and came to the desk and we had A Very Special Conversation.

Guest: what are your breakfast hours

Me: tomorrow they’re 7a-10a

Guest: Well today I came down and they were closed and I’m concerned and I came down at 11am and there was no food.

Me: well on weekdays, which our kitchen does consider Friday a weekday breakfast is from 6:30-9:30.

Guest: well there wasn’t anyone here at 11am

Me: Well tomorrow there will be someone serving food from 7am until 10am.

Guest: But I am concerned and also I want you to tell them that.

Me (giving up): Okay I will pass that along.

Our guest goes all the way upstairs and comes back and tells me he left a bottle of milk in a fridge. Does not specify if it’s our kitchen fridge or my back office fridge or the fridge in his room but I just wanted to go home so I offered to go look and just brought him two milks from our kitchen and told him I couldn’t find the bottle of milk.

I say this with all the love in the world and I am not insulting the guest but he was actually mentally disabled so I just tried to make it less confusing or annoying to him and he went to bed.

-Last guest of the night was from our train problem and he was a drunk huge dude in his boxers without shoes bitching at me about getting him a rental car. I can’t fucking do that. Unless you give me a credit card. Also it’s 10:50 and the rental car place is fucking closed. Go use the internet. Also the road is closed so I don’t know how you’re getting to where ever you will be going that’s hopefully far away from me. I don’t care that you don’t like the time you’d have to wake up to catch the train from OnlyTrainCompanyinAmerica can take you there, but these are the breaks. When you are too drunk to wear pants to the lobby, stand up by the elevator OR work a stupid rental car website, I don’t have time for you. Go to bed. Please, I want to go home.

I probably forgot some stuff but this was truly the night from hell. Please God or GhostGuest fix the roads so these people can get out of my life.

I seriously couldn’t use the bathroom tonight without something exploding, ringing, getting into a fight, vomiting and I still didn’t get all the way through my checklist. I’m probably going to get fired tomorrow.

personal · Uncategorized

The ghost in my hotel

So about a week after I started working where I work now another co-worker asked me if I knew about the ghost on our property. Now I had detected some very strange things in the building from time to time, but we have a ghost? How cool is that?

(Actually probably not that cool for the ghost guest but we try to keep her as comfortable as possible.)

A pretty high profile crime was committed in our building before the current owners took over. It was called something different 20 years ago and there was a murder on the property. So every so often something really weird happens on our top floor. In that room or near by. The room numbers have all been changed so if you look up the story of how we got our ghost you wouldn’t know which room is the Ghost Room but I do.

For the most part I try not to put people in the ghost room, specifically women traveling alone because they always want to change rooms before the night is over. About once a week if a guest gets put in that room they come down and ask to be put as close to the front desk as possible, even begging for the dreaded elevator room. No one who’s asked to move has specifically said “There’s a fucking ghost up there” but one lady from an Eastern European country said “The eyes, they stare at me.” I about fell over because I’ve never had any one give me a complaint that couldn’t be explained away by Earth Logic. I don’t know who the eyes are, but they were staring at this lady so I moved her room.

Common complaints about the Ghost room are random moisture no where near a source of water,  noises coming from above which is impossible since it’s the top floor of the building, small petty things vanishing, like one night I had an older couple call me from their cell phones to tell me the phone cord from the room phone was gone. It was definitely gone and they had used the phone like two hours before to ask me to get them a cab. We also get noise complaints about that room when no one is in it.

The strangest thing though is when the ghost calls 911. Every month or so something goes nuts with the phones and the phone that was part of the property when we got the ghost will call 911. Around the same time as the crime was committed. It’s creepy but I don’t mind.

The Ghost also likes to lock my coworkers in empty rooms and play in the elevators. Especially the one in the back hallway.

Having a ghost room is great though when someone is being rude at check in. Our “employee” ghost can keep them company for the night. She doesn’t mind.