la la la lobby time · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized


I can’t even wrap my mind about what happened today so here is our incident report.

INCIDENT REPORT GUEST 3XXX – 6.11.18 -6.12.18
—Do not extenddddddddd-
1 AM- He came in the lobby and said he was coming to meet up with Panda and or The Queen…said he was supose to out with Panda. He got coffee rattled off a milllion words then tried to extened. I said I was unable to do that.- NA
-3:30 am- looks like there is more than one person.
-4:30am they are not sleeping. He came in and asked if Panda was working today. I said I do not know. The extra person in the room has a Local Plate Frame. Are these people are locals? They unloaded belongings from the car then moved and parked it behind the breakfast room for no reason. The plate number is XXXXXXXXX. Its a red Escalade.
-5am the Escalade is moved again.
-6:30am came in and asked again for Panda and The Queen.
-7:10am guest is in the hot tub some how. Am waiting for THE AVENGERS to arrive to kick him out. Neither Panda or I agreed to hang out with this guest last night. Guest was annoying in lobby- is here on a cc auth- irritated Bartender as well. Probably hung out in the lobby until about 7:30p Guest mentioned he had been kicked out of a few other hotels including the Ghost Hotel. -Me
-8:13a- Spoke with the Ghost Hotel- they confirmed that this guest harassed both staff and guests while on property and they have him on the DNR. Guest has been by the desk to try to friend me on Facebook and asked to email me a poem? Asked how my night with my husband was? Have been informed that he also was annoying the breakfast staff. THE AVENGERS will come down when I inform him that he can not extend and needs to go elsewhere. Would reccomend putting this guest on the DNR. –Me
-9:00a- Guest told Houseman he kills people for a living. He works for Trump and answers only to Trump and is part of some mafia. Non Emergency Police contacted to evict guest. Guests credit card went through however. Guest was to be informed by police that he is not welcome to return to the property at any time or he would be arrested for trespassing. -Me
10:00a- Housekeeping goes into room and finds a left over backpack and glass pipe and assorted pills and what is most likely meth in room. -Me
And this was my Monday/Tuesday and Graduation hell weekend is on it’s way…..
how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time

cats, cops and vodka

It’s been a couple of weeks since this happened but this is legit one of the strangest situations at my hotel ever, and if you’ve read any of my other posts, we get some crazy stuff.

Back in March a lady checked in using a third party website. She had her kitty with her and we’re pet friendly and all is well. Most of us don’t notice her except she keeps extending her stay. One day at a time through the third party website and sometimes through her own credit card if one of us can catch her. Every time we call her to tell her it’s time to come sign a new registration card she’s on a business call or will be right down.

At first honestly we didn’t even know about the cat, the housekeeping staff busted her on the cat, so we had to start charging the pet fee. It’s not a big deal but the housekeepers should know that you have a cat in your room so they don’t let the cat out while cleaning, etc.

This woman was so nondescript though that I have no idea how long she was there before I started noticing the multiple reservations. And it’s when we noticed her things got weird.

I came in one morning to be told that the woman in 2XX’s son had died and that’s why she was staying with us. Okay this is a sad thing but not unusual, but hey I appreciate the heads up so I can be extra kind to a guest going through a hard time. Still haven’t actually seen this disembodied voice on the telephone I sort of pushed it out of my mind after calling her and reminding her of the rate for the day and that she needed to come sign her slip for the day. She stopped by at some point so I finally got a look at her and she seemed sad but nothing crazy.

The next morning is a Sunday and I go in and am getting the hotel going when what in the actual fuck there are two police cruisers and a fire truck followed by an ambulance. It’s 8 in the morning. Officer asks me where room 2XX is and explains a friend of the occupant had called for a wellness check because of some text messages the occupant had been sending them and they needed to see her. So I grabbed my master key and the fork (deadbolt tool) in case of the worst and up we went. The cops knocked first and she wouldn’t open the door for them. In a rare moment of regard for the building itself I asked them to let me knock before we went all Conan on my door or tried to jump the lock.

She saw me at the peep hole and opened the door. I said that she wasn’t in trouble these guys just wanted to talk to her and went back to the desk. They later carted her out in an ambulance and one of the officers said she was showing signs of alcohol poisoning, They’d be taking her to a local hospital and that they had fed the cat and the cat had water and the litter box had been cleaned.

Who knew you could call 911 for cat care?

She came back from the hospital at the end of my shift pretty embarrassed and I actually walked around the desk to give her a hug and give her my card in case she needed anything during the rest of her stay with us. She was sad and lonely and her son died, right? I mean we should have some compassion for our fellow man….


When I get back to work after a day off Lady With the Cat had been escorted off property by the police department. Why?

HER SON WASN’T DEAD. She’d been lying the entire time and her son had been looking for her for god knows why. I wasn’t there when the eviction occurred but they legit came in and took her, the cat, all her stuff, including all the pills and booze she had in her room and dragged her off to another property god knows where.

I only know she’s alive still because she called the hotel the next day wanting her “belongings” back.

She meant the litter box.

That room is still out of order.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized

the sketchy night of very bad not very good things

Okay I knew this weekend was going to be a Shit Show. The very big important university has some family weekend going on and the local tourist trap beach has a festival celebrating clams so all the hotels are full and the prices are higher than Snoop Dogg.

Anything to do with university and the parents coming is a ridiculous mess. Parents for some reason never book a room that’s large enough for the family and think we have this storage room full of two queen rooms that we’re just waiting to swap out because Little Becky (with the good hair) MIIIIIIGHT want to spend the night with her parents this weekend. (Spoiler alert, she does not.)

Tonight’s cast of looloo’s was wide and varied but a few stuck out. Let’s meet the contestants shall we?

1-Visiting us all the way from a big ass wildfire, we have EVACUEE WOMAN. My heart goes out to her it does. It’s not her fault her city burnt down or that she has medical problems or that her insurance company sucks at doing paperwork. What is her fault is not stating at check in that someone else was paying for her room leading to her being sour. Then dramatic when she recounted all the horrors she’s experienced and then her suddenly thrusting a cell phone into my face and my manager’s face when she located an insurance agent. Then she immediately turned her nose up at the room I had chosen for her BECAUSE OF HER FUCKING MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND THE HUGE AMOUNT OF LUGGAGE SHE HAS WITH HER, where she can IDK use the elevator to access her room. The reason she doesn’t want the room? She doesn’t like the view.

She wants to look at nature. But she can’t climb stairs.

Okay…. Y’all on a weekend like this one, I can’t just go yep lady not paying for your room and paying disaster victims rates you get the nicest room possible. Let me just throw out these people paying over 300 dollars a night so you can look at… well shit I don’t know what you’re going to look at WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STRIP MALL AREA, TWIT.

She then went to her room and called down and threatened to switch hotels because her TV didn’t come on right away. Great, fine, go to another hotel! Maybe they have some nature for you to look at. We have a pancake house and a mountain. Whatever.

2-Crazy assed lady on the bench. We have some guests staying with us at the moment that don’t look like the can afford the price of admission, but the hell do I know, ya know? So the first three times I saw Crazy Assed Lady on the Bench, I thought, “well here’s a woman smoking cigarettes and talking on her Bluetooth. She was definitely having a conversation with someone, even that person was Elvis. Three hours later she was still out there… probably time to call the cops.

3-Bitchy Bike Babe had us move her room assignment a million times to make sure they could see their bikes. BBB also didn’t want to stay in a 2 Q in the Dungeon Hallway which is where I put all the bikers because they literally can sit on the balcony and stare at their bikes. She was just rude and off putting though. Finally we made her and her husband happy enough they went to get a luggage cart to abuse and yell at. Sorry luggage cart, but it’s better you than me.

4-Sketchy Bitch Lady. SBL was by far my favorite. She was insane from the get go. She was standing like 3 feet from the desk bellowing her reservation information and proceeded to ask for a “newer room” and telling me her room THE LAST TIME SHE STAYED THERE “was sketchy and she wasn’t happy.” Great so unhappy that I am standing here talking to her. Awesome. She requests a pool view and she paid for a standard. Nope. Just be glad I don’t want to talk to you ever ever again or you’d be sleeping next to the ice machine. Please take your keys and go. Nope, she called down again about breakfast, wifi and pool hours and generally everything I was telling her while she was whining about not getting a pool view.

If you want a pool view, book a goddamned pool view. If you can’t afford the 10 dollar upgrade fee, don’t be an asshole straight after walking in the door, I  may hook a sis up but not when you act like a turd monster on arrival. Bye Girl Bye.

Then she had her daughter call down and demand more hair products. Sure, I wear my fitbit to work for a reason. Here’s your soap lady in an entirely different building on the third floor.

Some of the other funny guests included: Guy who was so smashed that he was falling asleep on the desk when his wife was checking him in. Wife had to resort to calling him like a puppy to get him to follow her to their room. She shrugged and was like “Men, amirite?”

The funny French family who loved my usual line of “I speak French like a trashcan.”

The guy who almost caused a 5 car accident coming into our parking lot who also had a yappy little dog of some sort with him and looked at  me like I grew a second head when I handed him a pet policy.

Tour Bus driver who insisted I give her a walk in rate of under 200 dollars. Nope.

The really nice man who wanted to go get Starbucks for us. We didn’t want him to though because…

WHAT THE FUCK CITY OF PINEAPPLE? Y’all are ripping up the road in front of my hotel which okay cool but the trucks honking constantly and the closing of the lanes has some of these people who were throwing out 350 dollars a night kinda pissed off. I don’t know who decided one of the busiest weekends of the fall was the best time for this, but I’d like to mildly inconvenience them in some passive aggressive manner.

Too Long; Didn’t read: I hate Parents Weekend.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · personal · sold out! · Uncategorized

okay go home Thursday, you’re drunk

I don’t know what the fuck was in the water today but everyone was more batshit crazy than normal.

I had an over sell on certain rooms but not to worry we fixed that bullshit really quick. But everyone on the phone and almost everyone who came through the lobby was just INSANE.

I made reservations with this one bucket of fucking crazy last night. She’s staying with us on a state rate so she’s already getting hooked the fuck up. We’re supposed to take copies of the ID’s for the state rate. So in this story I’ll be me, my coworker will be Adorable Coworker and Crazy Fucking Tax Lady will be… you get the idea.

Me: Ma’am I need to see your government ID

CFTL: okay here you go.

Me: Great Ma’am so I will now need to make a photo copy of this government issued ID to put on file so you can get the rate.


No shit Sherlock, this is why I need to take a fucking copy of this dog shit. It’s not because I want to go fight the fucking ancient copy machine that hisses and boos at me when I walk past it, much less ask it to do it’s stupid job.

Me: Oh Umm okay…

ACW: Ma’am we actually really do need the copy of your ID.


Me: it’s fine. I don’t care anymore. If I get fired, I get fired.

CTL: Well. I can give you a business card.

ACW: It’s not the same thing.

Me: I don’t care. Here are your keys ma’am (and I paraphrase the rest of this) breakfast is over yonder please be eaten by Dr Fuckhead on the way to your room. Have a lovely day you crazy fucking bitch.

Fast forward to about 20 minutes later CTL is back at the desk complaining she doesn’t feel safe in her room. Her original room was literally 3 doors over from the “owners room” like she couldn’t be safer unless she just fucked off and didn’t bother us at all tonight. So we moved her. And then that room had this air conditioner that was too complicated to deal with even though its the same fucking AC we have in every room. So she wanted to move again. Bitch went through like three rooms. She even had my born again FDM pissed off and he was starting to get HEATED and he never does that. She was batshit crazy.

But now for the good stuff of the evening:

-Had a LOVELY COUPLE FROM SWEDEN that enjoyed joking with me. They were just happy to see a happy face. Total sweethearts. I wish there were 99 more rooms full of this couple because even with voucher travel they were a breeze.

-Had a bus come in tonight. It was literally the easiest bus ever. Without going into too much detail, they are part of some reality show / documentary. Their producers checked everyone in and did their own porterage and were just so nice. Like I wanted to help them with shit and they were all “nah just can we decide which rooms are ours?I want to be as far away from these fuckers as possible.” so I handed them all the keys and let them do their thing. They thanked me every time they went by the desk. I was shocked.

-One of my regulars ran into me at lunch and bought my lunch. We shot the shit about the hotel and he said I’m his favorite. It was just good fortune that the only empty seat in the place I was having lunch was next to this guy who I see every Monday and Thursday from here to eternity. He’s cool and such an easy check in. It was really nice of him to buy my lunch.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

please go home now

So Casa De Pineapple has four rooms full of people who just will not fucking leave. They extend a day at a time and it’s getting on my last fucking nerve.

The first two rooms aren’t that bad. It’s 2X1 and 2X2 and they are a mother and son staying across from each other. I think they’ve been with us for about a week. Son is the one doing all the talking. Mom kind of looks like an over tanned skeleton and they’re here from out of state and I can’t figure out why they keep extending especially because our rates jump a hundred dollars tonight. They don’t ask for discounts. They don’t want cookies. I haven’t seen them at evening happy hour. They’re just taking up rooms and walking through the lobby a lot. It also doesn’t seem like they brought a lot of clothes with them. They’re not from a hurricane state so I can’t figure it out. Whatever.

Across the hotel is the crazy fucking bitch in 3XX. She refuses to come down to breakfast and instead every day about 10 minutes before it’s over, she calls down to the desk asking us to make her two plates because “she so tired” (not a typo this is how she says it) and eventually either one of us will take it up to her or she materializes from her cave to pick it up. She says she and her husband need to stay with us because they are waiting for an apartment to open up. But then she calls the next FDA and tells them another date. Their bill has to be over a grand by now. And people are complaining about a smell coming from their room. The husband has to wear adult diapers so I imagine that’s what the smell is. He’s not dead or anything because he finally came down to the desk the other day when we explained to them that we have a sold out weekend ahead of us and they needed to leave today. Since I’m 3-11 today I’m hoping this check out is all done by the time i get in.

And finally we have Mr Chatty in 2XX. They are honestly one week away from being tourist tax exempt. They’ve been with us since mid August and extend day by day and I seriously need them to leave. Mr Chatty and his aunt are staying in a one room handicapped room. No idea how the sleeping arrangements are going up there but I don’t care. Their cats (TWO OF THEM) tore up our ottoman in the room. I don’t even know where the cats are shitting. I assume they have a litter box up there. Guy is nice enough but he’s quite often drunkish or jacked up on something or on pills. He leaves his trunk to his car or his aunt’s car open all the time. She’s also wearing diapers. He smokes so he’s going in and out all the time and always trying to buy the desk stuff from the store or the fast food place across the street, which is nice and all but he then just stands there talking to us even if we refuse a gift. He gave me and another co-worker some yogurt the other day even after we refused it.

But the cherry on top of the eccentric sundae was the other night. One of our regulars I guess alerted NA to a BODY in the back outdoor hallway where Dr Fuckhead is known to roam. NA goes out there and finds Mr Chatty laying on the ground… with his pants off. His junk out.

NA snaps a picture because he thinks he just found a dead body. Mr Chatty’s pants were folded over the fence and upon closer inspection he realizes Mr Chatty is just passed out and snoring. NA rouses the pantsless guest and hands him is pants and tells him to go to bed. His room mind you with the cats and the aunt in diapers is clear on the other side of the hotel. Guest gets up and seems to start putting his pants on and so NA just goes over to lock up some public space that hadn’t been locked yet. Something tells NA to go back through to make sure Mr Chatty had gone to his room… nope back asleep on the ground.

You’d think my GM would have us evict all these lunatics, but no even though the pants thing and the poop smell thing happened on Tuesday they were extended until today. Please god let us get rid of these people today, before I get there. We’re going to be slammed enough without naked guests and crazy old ladies who think we do room service.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

don’t let the assholes get you down

We had another Special Snowflake weirdo that seems to think that if the trash can in his room is full he needs to get a new room or something.

He came down this morning and started in with my co-worker who is the nicest person in the world and whenever someone yells at him he just laughs. But you do NOT insult and or annoy my coworkers on my watch so I piped up to let this idiot know, hey there are two of us and while we value your business we’re not to be kicked around.

So box of crazy starts in on me, which hey I’m used to. Yell at me all you want, I seriously have no soul and it doesn’t bother me too much. What was he mad about?

He put the DND sign up before he went out the day before. He swears he took it down but when the DND sign is up my housekeeping staff won’t clean your room. You literally have to be on fire before we’ll go in your room with the DND sign up.

He starts in on me after I explain this to him about “how would you like it if I just put my food trash in the hallway then?” and honestly even though we hate that shit, we’d prefer it to listening to this shit at 7am.

From my time at one brand I just went into “Special SnowflakeMode” and offered him points. For some reason that doesn’t work where I work now so I tell him I can give him a discount of x amount.

He then tells me he’s going to check out early because someone didn’t empty his trash can. Okay. It gets better.

I’ll be me, he’ll be crazy guy.

Me:Sir I am prepared to give you 40 dollars off of your bill for the issues you have expressed, but if you would like to speak to a manager you will have to wait until 10am, as that is when my manager arrives.

CG: 40 dollars a night?

Me: No.

CG: well we are going to check out then and my wife is a member of the global world. she will ding you on the internet in a review. This is intolerable and you will not charge me for leaving early.

Full stop, I could and I should but I don’t do shit like that. I’m reasonable but when people are just asshats I want to charge the fuck out of them. Like I get it you think you’re getting shanked but do you burn your whole house down if your trash is full? No. Do you regularly sign contracts that you suddenly don’t feel like adhearing to? When it says you need to be with us for two nights on a weekend when we have a two night minimum, I am well within my rights to charge you if you’re leaving early, sorry. But I can. I won’t but I can.

Me: Sir I assure you that you will not receive a financial penalty for leaving us early. We are sorry that you are departing early but I understand. Would you like that discount or would you like to wait to speak to my manager?


Me: inwardly i seriously don’t give a shit what you do Okay sir. It’s bacon day at the breakfast, which is across the driveway to the left if you’d like to enjoy something to eat while you decide.

Cue to me just going fuck this and going into the back and leaving my coworker I was trying to rescue to watch the desk.

My boss comes in later and I’m trying to explain what happened with this guy before she sees him. I’d already talked to housekeeping who had also shown me that they had actually serviced his room according to the log. There were already notes in his reservation that said he wanted to leave early. Fine fuck it, leave early, I need that fucking room anyway and I don’t need you. It’s the weekend. I could have sold that room while you were ranting at the desk.

My boss goes on a walk around of the property and ends up running into this lunatic. My boss is NOT someone to fuck with. And his guy grabs her shoulder to talk to her. My head of Maint. was ready to jump in because he happened to be on the floor this all was happening on. Head of housekeeping came by because Maint sent something up on the radio.

My boss tells Crazy Guy that touching her at all is inappropriate and he says “Sorry Babe”

Somehow the conversation they’re having goes towards Trump and all this other bull shit including where I apparently WAS going to charge this fuck for leaving early. And how I’m a liar. (What?)

My boss has my back though and just wants this dude to leave so she says we’ll discount the bill. She also held fast to if I said it was a 40 dollar discount, that’s what it is, but she would have offered him 50 dollars off, but if her desk said 40 its 40.

Anyway this asshole comes down to check out and thankfully my boss was there because the guy tried to start shit with me again and then tried to start shit with her about me again even though they’d already gone over all of this.

I got sworn at again and he was amazingly aggressive for an old guy and also accused us of lying about the math on the folio. About the time we were thinking about calling the cops he blurts out I HAVE DEMENTIA!


We finally got his cheap ass out of there and I went home.

What the fuck? I seriously thought we were going to have to call the cops.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the brotherhood of the keys

this is monday

It’s Monday right? It’s Thursday for me but the rest of the world thinks it’s Monday so I should just be getting bus loads of Europeans (check!) Business travelers (check!) and some random old retired people with very specific needs (check!)

Nope. Not only did I get that I got two VERY SPECIAL guests joining me this evening.

First is Country Music SnowFlake. This woman drove over from another state to see a very big country artist who played here like last week. She didn’t really make plans and had been camping in her car (what?) for a couple of nights and wanted to get a room. She didn’t believe me that the Country SnowFlakeButthole room was the best that I could do but her sob story of what prompted this solo road trip was compelling and she really is a high tier Snowflake so I gave her a huge upgrade to what basically is our owners favorite room and charged her for a regular room. And then listened to her tell me about how her husband left her for a man and she just kept. talking.

I finally got her to go to her room after telling her all the ways we could help her stay a second night etc because all this sleeping in her car was getting expensive and I also wanted her to stop telling me about her personal life and asking me about mine and let me get back to work.

5 minutes before I left she called and complained to my coworker that she hated that room and wanted to move. You have to be kidding me. I even gave her late check out! And listened to her blah blah blah about her sad life for at least 20 minutes.

I honestly do feel bad for her because she seems like she’s having a manic episode and has gone batshit crazy but really all I’m here to do is sell rooms.

Second special guest comes with a supporting cast.

Earlier in the evening there were two older gentlemen checking in and here and there I caught that they were looking for someone and kept asking me if I had seen this “friend” of theirs who would have a small dog with him. I hadn’t. These people kept going in and out of the lobby and one of them came and asked me if I had a phone charger they could borrow and I said sure and lent them mine (it’s pink, I’m sure I’ll get it back) and talking about “clues” and “leads” as to where this friend of theirs was. As the night wore on it became clear they were looking for a family member to either put into rehab or they were turning him into the police for something.

The gentleman using my charger said he still needed it so I told him he could just drop it off at the desk when he checked out, I had more at home, it wasn’t a big deal. So they asked me to look up a couple of really shitty hotels in town to find out how far away they were etc. The last one was a real shithole but I gave them directions.

Suddenly a cab shows up and it’s this “friend” they were looking for. He comes barreling straight for me. Dude is spun the fuck out on something and is carrying the cutest dog I’ve ever seen in one hand and a bag of dog food in the other one.


Me: Um hello sir. Room 2XX is actually sitting right over there.

The man who had been waiting gets up and comes over and tries to calm SpunDude and takes off with him (and my phone charger) to pay the taxi and go to their room.

About 5-10 minutes later our phone rings and it’s Bob from the ShitBox Hotel I looked up earlier for these older gentleman who were waiting for SpunDude.

Bob: So just so you know there is a former guest of mine that I put in a cab to go to room 2XX at your hotel.

Me: Yeah I know he just got here, he’s with his family now I think.

Bob: Umm he’s into some serious shit with the Pineapple County Sheriffs. They came looking for him and are on the way to your place now.

Me: Oh dang. I mean I know what room he’s in but I haven’t heard a peep from them since I sent them upstairs.

Bob: Well I haven’t gone to see the room he was staying in here yet because I was just trying to get him out of here but I figured I’d give you a heads up. If he did damage anything, I’ll let you know and if he damages anything at your place can you have your boss email my boss or something. Dude is into some really bad shit.

Me: Sure man, no worries, have a good night.

When I left for the night there were four Pineapple City PD cars all surrounding another car in the parking lot next door to us. I don’t know if it had anything to do with SpunDude but it definitely wasn’t a normal Monday night at Casa De Pineapple.