la la la lobby time · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized


I can’t even wrap my mind about what happened today so here is our incident report.

INCIDENT REPORT GUEST 3XXX – 6.11.18 -6.12.18
—Do not extenddddddddd-
1 AM- He came in the lobby and said he was coming to meet up with Panda and or The Queen…said he was supose to out with Panda. He got coffee rattled off a milllion words then tried to extened. I said I was unable to do that.- NA
-3:30 am- looks like there is more than one person.
-4:30am they are not sleeping. He came in and asked if Panda was working today. I said I do not know. The extra person in the room has a Local Plate Frame. Are these people are locals? They unloaded belongings from the car then moved and parked it behind the breakfast room for no reason. The plate number is XXXXXXXXX. Its a red Escalade.
-5am the Escalade is moved again.
-6:30am came in and asked again for Panda and The Queen.
-7:10am guest is in the hot tub some how. Am waiting for THE AVENGERS to arrive to kick him out. Neither Panda or I agreed to hang out with this guest last night. Guest was annoying in lobby- is here on a cc auth- irritated Bartender as well. Probably hung out in the lobby until about 7:30p Guest mentioned he had been kicked out of a few other hotels including the Ghost Hotel. -Me
-8:13a- Spoke with the Ghost Hotel- they confirmed that this guest harassed both staff and guests while on property and they have him on the DNR. Guest has been by the desk to try to friend me on Facebook and asked to email me a poem? Asked how my night with my husband was? Have been informed that he also was annoying the breakfast staff. THE AVENGERS will come down when I inform him that he can not extend and needs to go elsewhere. Would reccomend putting this guest on the DNR. –Me
-9:00a- Guest told Houseman he kills people for a living. He works for Trump and answers only to Trump and is part of some mafia. Non Emergency Police contacted to evict guest. Guests credit card went through however. Guest was to be informed by police that he is not welcome to return to the property at any time or he would be arrested for trespassing. -Me
10:00a- Housekeeping goes into room and finds a left over backpack and glass pipe and assorted pills and what is most likely meth in room. -Me
And this was my Monday/Tuesday and Graduation hell weekend is on it’s way…..
people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

desk to desk, heart to heart

I am a bad FDA. I forgot to call the desk at the hotel we’re staying at tonight until this morning.

Back story, I have a segmented reservation. I didn’t intend to go to my destination until tomorrow but then I realized I could get a room at my rate tonight to reduce some traveling stress for my husband so we have two reservations.

I called down to 4 star Airport Hotel this morning and got a lovely lady we’ll call Cathy on the phone.

Cathy: Thank You for calling 4 Star Airport Hotel!

Me: Hi Cathy are you the desk at the hotel or central reservations because I am super stupid and forgot to call until today to give a heads up about my reservation.

Cathy cracks up already and assures me she is at the desk in 4 Star Airport Hotel. I have always liked the people at 4 Star Airport Hotels which is why I always stay at them when I travel.

Me: So I have a segmented reservation and I just wanted to let you know we can stay in the same room both nights if its possible, if not move us. We’ll stay in the handicapped room, the one with a view of a wall, next to the elevator, we absolutely don’t care, put us in the broom closet.

By this time Cathy is laughing too hard and then says “Don’t tempt me I’ve always wanted to throw a roll away into the closet and tell people it’s a room.”

And now I’m laughing my ass off and also apologizing for not calling sooner and of course letting her know we won’t be early and that we actually do not care which room we get.

Cathy says quite seriously “No seriously thank you for giving us a call. I see your two reservations here and I’ll do my best not to put you somewhere shitty. OOps. wait I shouldn’t have said that but you sound like one of us.”

Me: I am. And I hope I get to meet you this weekend. Thanks lady.

There you go. A happy tale from the desk.

la la la lobby time · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

Genderless Personhood of the keys

When I checked in at the last [brand hotel] I stayed at for my high school reunion, this happened.

Upon check in the FDA and I were shooting the shit and he called me sir and I called him ma’am and we burst out laughing because we honestly have no idea what we’re saying half the time. So for fun we chanted in unison the check in spiel to each other and you should have seen the other guests faces, because it goes about like this:

You room is the 3rd floor, the room number is on the key packet. Breakfast is from 6:30-9:30 in the breakfast room directly behind you. The wifi log in is included in your keypacket BUT because you are a rewards club member, your member ID also will log you in. Check out time is at 11a but as a rewards member you do have the option of a late check out if you do require it. If there is anything else I can do for you I will be here until 11, otherwise there is someone at the desk 24 hours a day to meet any needs you may have. Please enjoy your stay.

I worked at this brand for less than 6 months. I can say this shit in my sleep.

My husband looked slightly terrified and the rest of the lobby just was like this :-0.

We high fived and the FDA gave me extra Andes mints and off we went.

Everyone at undisclosed location got tipped out hard core. I love you too.

guest post · how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized


So hotel workers talk to each other and some times some of them are funnier than I am. This one took the cake.

For all you night auditors like me who just want some peace and quiet.

The check-ins are all processed,

No more credit cards left to sweep.

You should be cozy and warm in your beds by now.

Please go the fuck to sleep.


The windows are dark in the town, friend.

Even the local drunks have left without a peep.

I’ll get you some extra towels if you swear

You’ll go the fuck to sleep.


I understand you don’t have a reservation,

You’re on vacation for yet another week.

I know there’s not a better rate online. That’s Bullshit. Stop lying.

Pay for your fucking room, walk-in, and sleep.


The wind whispers softly through the town,

The stores have all closed on the street.

What’s that, you’re hungry RIGHT NOW?

Jesus Christ, it’s fucking 2am. Go to sleep.


All the day shift workers are in dreamland,

Their normal schedules make me weep,

Hell no, you can’t speak to a manager (yeah I know it’s daytime in China where you’re calling from).

You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.


The owls fly forth from the treetops.

Through the air, they soar and they sweep.

A hot crimson rage fills my heart, asshole.

I’m trying to watch Netflix, shut the fuck up and sleep.


The lobby is quiet and peaceful.

Or it would be, if the world was righteous and neat.

How come you can hike in the park for 8 hours today

But you can’t stay in your fucking room and sleep?


The automatic sprinklers gently putter

Watering the bushes in the courtyard the landscapers will reap.

No more questions, that shit is on our website.

Don’t call me again. Fucking sleep.


The auditor reclines in his shoddy chair,

A local homeless man digs through the trash like a creep.

Fuck you, your air conditioner works fine. There’s nothing to fix.

Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.


The flowers doze low in the meadows

And high on the mountains so steep.

My life is a failure, I hate myself and my job.

Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

Based on the children’s book of the same name by Adam Mansbach. Minor edits to fix rusty formatting issues.

This comes from Reddit User Pouncival_Gaming who is hilarious.

la la la lobby time · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

On the other side of the desk

Yesterday I was HONORED GUEST of a hotel up in another city. Super dope suite, evening reception and no one calling me “hey you” or “fuck you,” which is apparently my other name.

After the concert we went to last night I ended up down in the lobby watching tv and just generally hanging out with night audit. I taught him how to turn off keys (he’d never heard of this before, that you can lock people out, what?) and then some assholes tried to come in and check in without a reservation without a credit card and tried to argue with him about it.

As any good former Brand Emissary would do I stood up and walked over to the desk while these dudes gave this nice NA shit and NA straight up looked them in the eye and said “You do realize that this is my manager? She’s off duty right now but she’s going to tell you the same thing I just did.”

And I said “That’s correct. Our hotel policy is that you must produce a credit card and an ID to check in. If you require to stay longer than 12 noon today, you will be paying for two nights. If this is unacceptable to you, David will help you find alternate lodging.”

Now mind you, I’d just left a punk show and had my nose ring in and my eyebrow ring in and huge door knocker earrings.

They believed me and VIOLA suddenly had a credit card and my new friend checked them in with no issue.

When they left, we high fived and I went to bed.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the brotherhood of the keys

this is monday

It’s Monday right? It’s Thursday for me but the rest of the world thinks it’s Monday so I should just be getting bus loads of Europeans (check!) Business travelers (check!) and some random old retired people with very specific needs (check!)

Nope. Not only did I get that I got two VERY SPECIAL guests joining me this evening.

First is Country Music SnowFlake. This woman drove over from another state to see a very big country artist who played here like last week. She didn’t really make plans and had been camping in her car (what?) for a couple of nights and wanted to get a room. She didn’t believe me that the Country SnowFlakeButthole room was the best that I could do but her sob story of what prompted this solo road trip was compelling and she really is a high tier Snowflake so I gave her a huge upgrade to what basically is our owners favorite room and charged her for a regular room. And then listened to her tell me about how her husband left her for a man and she just kept. talking.

I finally got her to go to her room after telling her all the ways we could help her stay a second night etc because all this sleeping in her car was getting expensive and I also wanted her to stop telling me about her personal life and asking me about mine and let me get back to work.

5 minutes before I left she called and complained to my coworker that she hated that room and wanted to move. You have to be kidding me. I even gave her late check out! And listened to her blah blah blah about her sad life for at least 20 minutes.

I honestly do feel bad for her because she seems like she’s having a manic episode and has gone batshit crazy but really all I’m here to do is sell rooms.

Second special guest comes with a supporting cast.

Earlier in the evening there were two older gentlemen checking in and here and there I caught that they were looking for someone and kept asking me if I had seen this “friend” of theirs who would have a small dog with him. I hadn’t. These people kept going in and out of the lobby and one of them came and asked me if I had a phone charger they could borrow and I said sure and lent them mine (it’s pink, I’m sure I’ll get it back) and talking about “clues” and “leads” as to where this friend of theirs was. As the night wore on it became clear they were looking for a family member to either put into rehab or they were turning him into the police for something.

The gentleman using my charger said he still needed it so I told him he could just drop it off at the desk when he checked out, I had more at home, it wasn’t a big deal. So they asked me to look up a couple of really shitty hotels in town to find out how far away they were etc. The last one was a real shithole but I gave them directions.

Suddenly a cab shows up and it’s this “friend” they were looking for. He comes barreling straight for me. Dude is spun the fuck out on something and is carrying the cutest dog I’ve ever seen in one hand and a bag of dog food in the other one.


Me: Um hello sir. Room 2XX is actually sitting right over there.

The man who had been waiting gets up and comes over and tries to calm SpunDude and takes off with him (and my phone charger) to pay the taxi and go to their room.

About 5-10 minutes later our phone rings and it’s Bob from the ShitBox Hotel I looked up earlier for these older gentleman who were waiting for SpunDude.

Bob: So just so you know there is a former guest of mine that I put in a cab to go to room 2XX at your hotel.

Me: Yeah I know he just got here, he’s with his family now I think.

Bob: Umm he’s into some serious shit with the Pineapple County Sheriffs. They came looking for him and are on the way to your place now.

Me: Oh dang. I mean I know what room he’s in but I haven’t heard a peep from them since I sent them upstairs.

Bob: Well I haven’t gone to see the room he was staying in here yet because I was just trying to get him out of here but I figured I’d give you a heads up. If he did damage anything, I’ll let you know and if he damages anything at your place can you have your boss email my boss or something. Dude is into some really bad shit.

Me: Sure man, no worries, have a good night.

When I left for the night there were four Pineapple City PD cars all surrounding another car in the parking lot next door to us. I don’t know if it had anything to do with SpunDude but it definitely wasn’t a normal Monday night at Casa De Pineapple.

la la la lobby time · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

The queen visits another castle

So I worked open yesterday after going to a rather hard core rock show the night before and I have a sprained ankle and busted up elbow from it. (Trust me it was awesome.)

Anyway when I was done with dealing with another 900 “where is breakfast” (I fucking just told you where it was 8 hours ago, its over there in the room that smells like bacon, fuck off) and the crazy bitch who was mad at me for making her read the pet policy, my husband and I drove out to a neighboring community to visit with my parents. The was dealing with so many early check ins. My parents were on the beach already and their room wasn’t ready so my dad put me on the list to be able to park in the lot because the hotel okayed that. My husband drives a large truck so parking is so difficult.

I got out of the elevator and gave him my ID and the story behind why we need to park there and he asked for my plates which I had taken a picture of (it’s not my car, why would I ever remember them?) so I just handed him my phone with the picture of the plates and he looked up at me and it looked like the life returned to him.

“You are smarter than 90% of my guests!” And then he looked like he wished he hadn’t said that and I started laughing.

“Oh you’re sweet. I just got off work at Casa De Pineapple about an hour ago. I get it.”

“Well then! Park here as long as you want. PLEASE come back for the reception tonight! You deserve it.”

They literally have the same shitty fruit water problem we do, you know it, the water cooler in the lobby with some random fruit in it. Their water jug stand IS a pineapple.

Of course I had to stop and fix a pillow in the upstairs lobby that someone knocked over. I’ve got to look out for my fellow Pineapples after all.

people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

jail time doesn’t mean you don’t get my time.

The other day I had a woman call me from Nevada asking about rates for a weekend she could come out and see her man who is locked up here. He was recently transferred from a facility in a place it was more economical to visit than here.

My heart instantly dropped for her because our room rates were ridiculous and none of the discounts I could give her other than my own personal one if I could even get that.

She gasped when I told her the price. I told her about a few hotels that she could most likely afford that are even closer to our big assed men’s prison. And we talked about how she was thinking of taking the Megabus to San Francisco which is 4 ½ hours away minimum and I told her about an airline that could fly her for the same price and she’d touch down 45 minutes south of where she’d want to be and be able to take public transport to town to save her some cash.

She finally stopped me and said “Sister you sound like you feel me. Girl is that why you being so cool with me? I’m not even staying with you!”

I said “Ma’am I’ve done some time myself and I understand going to jail is expensive and I feel you because some of my friends have been locked up in places I can’t get to, so if I can help I’ll help.”

She started laughing and said “You know what? You’ve been the most real person I’ve talked to today. I said prison to some other clerk and they hung up on me. My man got run up on a pot charge, It’s some shit I’ll tell you but he’s getting out next year and when he gets out I want you to plan my trip to pick him up. You’re real and you’re sweet and you know your shit.”

And I laughed and said I’d be honored and told her to write my name down and ask for me when she called again because I’d get her a better rate when the summer was over. And to let me call over to the cheaper hotel I thought of thats closer to the prison and let them know she’d be calling.

I gave her the same service I’d give anyone else that can’t afford my hotel, because I hope they’ll try us out in the off season. Also because people with locked up loved ones deserve the same love as a “regular guest.” Shit maybe they need more love than Mr Special Snowflake. Maybe human kindness should be what we do.

Sometimes I can be a super hero. I may not be a cop or a firefighter or a pop star, but I can just be kind and every so often really help someone out.

My girl V at the cheaper hotel across town really hooked this nice lady up. I couldn’t be more grateful.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

happy birthday America aka WHAT IN THE ACTUAL EFF?

I knew today was going to be kind of a shit show. 4th of July is a neighboring town’s BIG DAMN DEAL and they have the most expensive fireworks show I’ve ever seen. But I wasn’t prepared for what I walked into at all….

We had a guest who checked in last night and after getting into their room wanted to extend, which no big deal except their card didn’t authorize for the second night and there was a note to get the guest to come down and provide payment for the room for the second night.

On top of a declining credit card, we also had a couple of complaints about them smoking in the room. Smoking pot to be exact.

So we sent the head housekeeper up after check out time to see if they were going to bring the card down. When they opened the door a CLOUD of smoke came out and it turned out there were about 7 people in a room with 2Q beds. And the woman who was the one on the check in started cursing out the housekeeper from the toilet…. Hmmm okay.

5 seconds later she’s calling down to the desk asking how to stay another night and being nice as pie about it to me so I tell her to just come down to the desk and present a new card and we’ll extend them no problem but we needed to talk about the smoking accusation.

When Americas Next Top Meth Head Model appeared I knew this shit was shady. She had that Meth look and started immediately talking about how she doesn’t smoke. She only smokes cigarettes (what?) and she had a baby in the room (what? the reservation was for 1 adult?) and my housekeeper was mean.

I restated I just needed an ID and a credit card from her and she started the song and dance about how it was in her room and really she had the money.

My GM was in the house and she’s super nice and gives people breaks all the time and was going to give this broad a break. It’s what we do I guess… So we’re giving a girl with two declining cards a chance to come up with the money for a second night and an auth to cover the smoking charge AND we even said we wouldn’t charge the smoking charge if it didn’t smell like smoke tomorrow. And she then sinned so hard that I literally almost died.

She looked me in the face and told me she worked at a Very Big Brand. I worked for that brand long enough to catch someone in a lie but this was an over the top lie.

I know for a fact VERY BIG BRANDS do not allow HUGE FUCKING NECK TATTOOS. I wear a scarf at Casa De Pineapple and miiiiiight be able to get away with it but seriously you can not work in a VBB with a neck tattoo.. Strike 1.

Strike 2… girl your shit is too broke to pay for your room. If you’re an employee of a VBB where the employee rate is fucking 69 dollars, why in the fuck am I even talking to you about the 400 and some change you need to pony up? Like I don’t know… if you’re really a VBB worker, it’d take four seconds to make a reservation as an employee and your total for two nights would be less than you currently owe us.

I mentioned it casually asking her which VBB it was and asking why she didn’t stay at the one here.

ANM: Well uhh I have a dog so…you know

So now we’re up to two declined credit cards, serious pot smell, maybe seven people in the room and an undeclared dog that you guessed it we didn’t have the pet fee for.

Oh and she’s a liar.

We gave her a few minutes still to get the money. Finally she came down and started to ask if she just left if we’d charge her for the extra night and the smoking charge. I would have, but my GM didn’t.

I’m sorry, but my ass that she’s an employee and doesn’t know how a fucking hotel works, and my entire ass that she didn’t smoke in that room and seriously, just go.

It wasn’t even check in time yet. What the fuck?

I am officially on vacation until Sunday. If my phone rings, it’s going in a lake.

personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

it is a small world after all…

So today I’m talking to my co-worker who KNOWS everything.  He used to work at another property next door to my former base of operations like 900 years ago and I mentioned the two times I had stayed at that hotel either on purpose because of my former job or on accident because hey, my friend’s band checked in and I was gonna stay there and party all night, whatever…

As it turns out I met my most frequent hotel partner like 10 years ago. My friends band was staying at his hotel and while I will not release the details of that entire adventure, I will say that there was fire involved.

I was a civilian at the time. I have a fuzzy memory of my co-worker, he was the one who did the beer run for my friends band.

That was a fun night despite someone in our party going off and setting his own hair on fire. Seriously it was the best night ever. Who knew this many years later I’d be standing next to the guy who checked in my friends band and witnessed all this shit and didn’t kick us all out?

I love working with this cat. He literally does KNOW everything. And almost everyone I’ve ever met. Yet a new reason to love my new gig.