la la la lobby time · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

On the other side of the desk

Yesterday I was HONORED GUEST of a hotel up in another city. Super dope suite, evening reception and no one calling me “hey you” or “fuck you,” which is apparently my other name.

After the concert we went to last night I ended up down in the lobby watching tv and just generally hanging out with night audit. I taught him how to turn off keys (he’d never heard of this before, that you can lock people out, what?) and then some assholes tried to come in and check in without a reservation without a credit card and tried to argue with him about it.

As any good former Brand Emissary would do I stood up and walked over to the desk while these dudes gave this nice NA shit and NA straight up looked them in the eye and said “You do realize that this is my manager? She’s off duty right now but she’s going to tell you the same thing I just did.”

And I said “That’s correct. Our hotel policy is that you must produce a credit card and an ID to check in. If you require to stay longer than 12 noon today, you will be paying for two nights. If this is unacceptable to you, David will help you find alternate lodging.”

Now mind you, I’d just left a punk show and had my nose ring in and my eyebrow ring in and huge door knocker earrings.

They believed me and VIOLA suddenly had a credit card and my new friend checked them in with no issue.

When they left, we high fived and I went to bed.

la la la lobby time · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

The queen visits another castle

So I worked open yesterday after going to a rather hard core rock show the night before and I have a sprained ankle and busted up elbow from it. (Trust me it was awesome.)

Anyway when I was done with dealing with another 900 “where is breakfast” (I fucking just told you where it was 8 hours ago, its over there in the room that smells like bacon, fuck off) and the crazy bitch who was mad at me for making her read the pet policy, my husband and I drove out to a neighboring community to visit with my parents. The was dealing with so many early check ins. My parents were on the beach already and their room wasn’t ready so my dad put me on the list to be able to park in the lot because the hotel okayed that. My husband drives a large truck so parking is so difficult.

I got out of the elevator and gave him my ID and the story behind why we need to park there and he asked for my plates which I had taken a picture of (it’s not my car, why would I ever remember them?) so I just handed him my phone with the picture of the plates and he looked up at me and it looked like the life returned to him.

“You are smarter than 90% of my guests!” And then he looked like he wished he hadn’t said that and I started laughing.

“Oh you’re sweet. I just got off work at Casa De Pineapple about an hour ago. I get it.”

“Well then! Park here as long as you want. PLEASE come back for the reception tonight! You deserve it.”

They literally have the same shitty fruit water problem we do, you know it, the water cooler in the lobby with some random fruit in it. Their water jug stand IS a pineapple.

Of course I had to stop and fix a pillow in the upstairs lobby that someone knocked over. I’ve got to look out for my fellow Pineapples after all.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal · sold out! · third party bookings · Uncategorized

who does that?!?

We had a family come for early check in. Okay we had like 900 families come for early check ins but this one took the fucking cake.

We told them we were still cleaning rooms and could process their check in and when the room was ready in about 20 minutes we’d give them the keys. They sat in our lobby for like 3 minutes and vanished and we assumed they’d gone to eat or they were in the bathroom.


They saw their room number and walked up to the room and the room was unlocked/propped open because we were working on an issue with it and they just walked in and started making themselves at home. They didn’t even have keys.

I’m pretty sure my maintenance guy was thinking about killing them. He was so pissed, rightfully so but it’s not like we gave them keys. We’re very close to selling out so we’re just trying to figure out where to put people and we specifically told these people we’d come over and bring them keys in about 20 minutes.

Holy fuck, who goes into a hotel room without keys?

So to keep my Mr Fix it from murdering someone, I just went running through that hallway on that floor until I found a clean room and stuffed this idiot family into that room with keys like a regular person would normally use to get into a room.

Like you’re checking in like three days early (sarcasm) and we were trying to do you a favor and you can’t listen to simple instructions…


Lady who is officially Super Butthole Snowflake status called four more times. Never got the answer she wanted because the rooms didn’t stop being sold out and we didn’t drop the two night minimum on another weekend she wanted to stay with us but you know Super Butthole Snowflake status, she doesn’t have to follow the rules. Let’s keep calling and see if someone says something different. We won’t. Stay two nights or shut the fuck up, I’m chasing some other lunatic around.

Don’t care, soul has died. Go stay in neighboring town like you threatened to. Sorry to the people who will deal with you.

The top off of the day was my lunatic Uber driver yelling at me about for the entire ride. Man I didn’t fucking yell at you for all the shitty creeps that have driven me or stalked me at my hotel. I hate these fucks at Booking too, shut the fuck up and drive. Oh and that light was red and we almost died.



how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal · sold out! · Uncategorized

please close your mouth

Hotels are like a giant toilet line. If someone is using the toilet, you can’t have it. And I am sure as hell not going to go bother someone taking a shit so you can take a shit before they are done taking a shit

My response to someone on reddit implying we lie or negotiate early check ins.

Honestly go take a small walk off an even smaller pier.

If I have 99 rooms full of 99 people who want to use their room for the entirety of the time they paid for, that means I have 99 rooms full of people who would like to leave at noon.

You can not decide that those people need to evacuate their room before noon. If I tell you we were sold out the night before, guess what, we we re fucking sold out the night before and you’ll have to wait until 3 for your room. Sorry. It’s in the email we sent you that you didn’t read just like you won’t read the breakfast hours and pay attention to anything I showed you on the map because I’m making words that apparently you don’t understand.

Hotels don’t have a giant flush nozzle. I can’t do anything about the guest before you. They’ll  leave when they leave. If that’s 9am or next fucking Tuesday that’s when they’re leaving.

Also the measure of how full my parking lot  is? Yeah nothing to do with the people in my rooms.

HOTELS AREN’T PRISONS. People check in and they go do all sorts of things. How do I know? Because I tell them how the fuck to get there and what they’re going to eat and what sort wonderful fun shit they can see for free and they get in their cars and go do this shit. Or they go the fuck to work. It’s crazy how many business travelers there are. We don’t lock someone in the room. So if my parking lot is empty its because my guests are off having fun and doing shit that brought them to my city and prompted them to pay for a hotel room. Shut up we’re sold out, we don’t lie about this shit.

I can’t give you a discount or magic beans because you made your reservation from the parking lot without calling and think you should get an upgrade because we don’t look busy. It’s the middle of the day Richard, people are doing fun shit, you’re here early and we’re sold the fuck out. You’ll take this handicapped room and you’ll stay prisoner in there for the rest of your trip.

I open all week. Please someone kill me.



people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

jail time doesn’t mean you don’t get my time.

The other day I had a woman call me from Nevada asking about rates for a weekend she could come out and see her man who is locked up here. He was recently transferred from a facility in a place it was more economical to visit than here.

My heart instantly dropped for her because our room rates were ridiculous and none of the discounts I could give her other than my own personal one if I could even get that.

She gasped when I told her the price. I told her about a few hotels that she could most likely afford that are even closer to our big assed men’s prison. And we talked about how she was thinking of taking the Megabus to San Francisco which is 4 ½ hours away minimum and I told her about an airline that could fly her for the same price and she’d touch down 45 minutes south of where she’d want to be and be able to take public transport to town to save her some cash.

She finally stopped me and said “Sister you sound like you feel me. Girl is that why you being so cool with me? I’m not even staying with you!”

I said “Ma’am I’ve done some time myself and I understand going to jail is expensive and I feel you because some of my friends have been locked up in places I can’t get to, so if I can help I’ll help.”

She started laughing and said “You know what? You’ve been the most real person I’ve talked to today. I said prison to some other clerk and they hung up on me. My man got run up on a pot charge, It’s some shit I’ll tell you but he’s getting out next year and when he gets out I want you to plan my trip to pick him up. You’re real and you’re sweet and you know your shit.”

And I laughed and said I’d be honored and told her to write my name down and ask for me when she called again because I’d get her a better rate when the summer was over. And to let me call over to the cheaper hotel I thought of thats closer to the prison and let them know she’d be calling.

I gave her the same service I’d give anyone else that can’t afford my hotel, because I hope they’ll try us out in the off season. Also because people with locked up loved ones deserve the same love as a “regular guest.” Shit maybe they need more love than Mr Special Snowflake. Maybe human kindness should be what we do.

Sometimes I can be a super hero. I may not be a cop or a firefighter or a pop star, but I can just be kind and every so often really help someone out.

My girl V at the cheaper hotel across town really hooked this nice lady up. I couldn’t be more grateful.

ghost guest · personal · the ghost room · Uncategorized

ghost in the machine

So a friend of mine has been being courted by my last property for a front desk position and came to me to ask about what it’s like to work there. She currently works at an Upscale Flag of a Big Chain that pays like big shit and can’t keep a crew.

Anyway she let me know that yes my last property is going to close for awhile this year to do so some serious renovations, meaning they are also shedding the brand flag to go to strictly boutique and “hip” like I knew they were going to.

So I asked her if they told her about Ghost Guest and she said that on her second interview someone mentioned it. And mentioned that “my ghost” had been really really active lately. It’s no surprise to me as we’re getting closer to the anniversary of her check in, but if she’s locking doors and scaring guests  now, how in the hell do they think she’s gonna act during the remodel?

I guess some of her recent antics now include a mom telling someone that her toddler daughter insisted there was a lady in “fancy dwess” in their room in the middle of the night.

Y’all I never put kids up in that room for a reason, even when families wanted connectors. Just no man.

It’s nice to know that the Ghost Guest misses me I guess. I feel bad to have abandoned her.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal

today on the phone

So today the phone was providing me with so much entertainment I took it out into the parking lot and went office space on it with an empty paint can….

Okay I didn’t. But I did endure this.

I’ll be me and he’ll be Mr Barstow because clearly the drugs had kicked in…

Me: Thank you for calling Casa De Pineapple, This is (blah blah blah) How can I help you?

MrB: So I am on the (large interstate somewhere on the left coast) and I saw a billboard for the Dismays Inn and I wanted to know if you price match?

pause the large billboard he was passing is at least 3 hour away in another county and I already want to tell him the answer is no but my boss is standing next to me so I played nice.

Me: Well this isn’t a Dismays Inn but…


Me: Sir our going rate tonight is nearly 3 times that amount and we do not price match with hotels from other counties as the demand for tourism in the area you are currently in may not match up to ours. However I could give you an Old Guys R Us discount or something from the Auto Club if you have either of those?

MrB: No. What I want to know is does the Dismays Inn have to honor this hot deal no matter where I go?

Me: Sir I don’t think I can answer that as I do not work for the parent company of the Dismays Inn or any of their subsidiaries and I actually do not believe that the city of Pineapple has a property with that chain here, but I’d be glad to google that for you.

I google and find out that the company does own a Fauxmada in town but their rates aren’t in that 55 dollar range but lord is he welcome to try them instead of wasting my time.

Me: Sir it does appear that the Fauxmada is the same company as the Dismays Inn in Pineapple, so I would be happy to give you their number if you’d like. please bitches over at the Fauxmada, just take this man off my phone

MrB: That’d be swell lady. But I gotta ask you, because you sound like a girl who gets around… have you ever stayed there?

Me: No Mr. B. I live in this city and I have a home of my own.

MrB: Yeah but you sound like a girl who gets around so have you ever visited a friend staying there or something?

Me: I assure you I get nowhere. Would you like their number so you can find out what their company policy and rates are because I quite frankly do not work there and can not provide service for a hotel I do not work at.

MrB: I beeetttttt you can.

Me: This conversation is terminated. Goodbye