how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal · sold out! · Uncategorized

please close your mouth

Hotels are like a giant toilet line. If someone is using the toilet, you can’t have it. And I am sure as hell not going to go bother someone taking a shit so you can take a shit before they are done taking a shit

My response to someone on reddit implying we lie or negotiate early check ins.

Honestly go take a small walk off an even smaller pier.

If I have 99 rooms full of 99 people who want to use their room for the entirety of the time they paid for, that means I have 99 rooms full of people who would like to leave at noon.

You can not decide that those people need to evacuate their room before noon. If I tell you we were sold out the night before, guess what, we we re fucking sold out the night before and you’ll have to wait until 3 for your room. Sorry. It’s in the email we sent you that you didn’t read just like you won’t read the breakfast hours and pay attention to anything I showed you on the map because I’m making words that apparently you don’t understand.

Hotels don’t have a giant flush nozzle. I can’t do anything about the guest before you. They’ll  leave when they leave. If that’s 9am or next fucking Tuesday that’s when they’re leaving.

Also the measure of how full my parking lot  is? Yeah nothing to do with the people in my rooms.

HOTELS AREN’T PRISONS. People check in and they go do all sorts of things. How do I know? Because I tell them how the fuck to get there and what they’re going to eat and what sort wonderful fun shit they can see for free and they get in their cars and go do this shit. Or they go the fuck to work. It’s crazy how many business travelers there are. We don’t lock someone in the room. So if my parking lot is empty its because my guests are off having fun and doing shit that brought them to my city and prompted them to pay for a hotel room. Shut up we’re sold out, we don’t lie about this shit.

I can’t give you a discount or magic beans because you made your reservation from the parking lot without calling and think you should get an upgrade because we don’t look busy. It’s the middle of the day Richard, people are doing fun shit, you’re here early and we’re sold the fuck out. You’ll take this handicapped room and you’ll stay prisoner in there for the rest of your trip.

I open all week. Please someone kill me.

 

 

people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

jail time doesn’t mean you don’t get my time.

The other day I had a woman call me from Nevada asking about rates for a weekend she could come out and see her man who is locked up here. He was recently transferred from a facility in a place it was more economical to visit than here.

My heart instantly dropped for her because our room rates were ridiculous and none of the discounts I could give her other than my own personal one if I could even get that.

She gasped when I told her the price. I told her about a few hotels that she could most likely afford that are even closer to our big assed men’s prison. And we talked about how she was thinking of taking the Megabus to San Francisco which is 4 ½ hours away minimum and I told her about an airline that could fly her for the same price and she’d touch down 45 minutes south of where she’d want to be and be able to take public transport to town to save her some cash.

She finally stopped me and said “Sister you sound like you feel me. Girl is that why you being so cool with me? I’m not even staying with you!”

I said “Ma’am I’ve done some time myself and I understand going to jail is expensive and I feel you because some of my friends have been locked up in places I can’t get to, so if I can help I’ll help.”

She started laughing and said “You know what? You’ve been the most real person I’ve talked to today. I said prison to some other clerk and they hung up on me. My man got run up on a pot charge, It’s some shit I’ll tell you but he’s getting out next year and when he gets out I want you to plan my trip to pick him up. You’re real and you’re sweet and you know your shit.”

And I laughed and said I’d be honored and told her to write my name down and ask for me when she called again because I’d get her a better rate when the summer was over. And to let me call over to the cheaper hotel I thought of thats closer to the prison and let them know she’d be calling.

I gave her the same service I’d give anyone else that can’t afford my hotel, because I hope they’ll try us out in the off season. Also because people with locked up loved ones deserve the same love as a “regular guest.” Shit maybe they need more love than Mr Special Snowflake. Maybe human kindness should be what we do.

Sometimes I can be a super hero. I may not be a cop or a firefighter or a pop star, but I can just be kind and every so often really help someone out.

My girl V at the cheaper hotel across town really hooked this nice lady up. I couldn’t be more grateful.

ghost guest · personal · the ghost room · Uncategorized

ghost in the machine

So a friend of mine has been being courted by my last property for a front desk position and came to me to ask about what it’s like to work there. She currently works at an Upscale Flag of a Big Chain that pays like big shit and can’t keep a crew.

Anyway she let me know that yes my last property is going to close for awhile this year to do so some serious renovations, meaning they are also shedding the brand flag to go to strictly boutique and “hip” like I knew they were going to.

So I asked her if they told her about Ghost Guest and she said that on her second interview someone mentioned it. And mentioned that “my ghost” had been really really active lately. It’s no surprise to me as we’re getting closer to the anniversary of her check in, but if she’s locking doors and scaring guests  now, how in the hell do they think she’s gonna act during the remodel?

I guess some of her recent antics now include a mom telling someone that her toddler daughter insisted there was a lady in “fancy dwess” in their room in the middle of the night.

Y’all I never put kids up in that room for a reason, even when families wanted connectors. Just no man.

It’s nice to know that the Ghost Guest misses me I guess. I feel bad to have abandoned her.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal

today on the phone

So today the phone was providing me with so much entertainment I took it out into the parking lot and went office space on it with an empty paint can….

Okay I didn’t. But I did endure this.

I’ll be me and he’ll be Mr Barstow because clearly the drugs had kicked in…

Me: Thank you for calling Casa De Pineapple, This is (blah blah blah) How can I help you?

MrB: So I am on the (large interstate somewhere on the left coast) and I saw a billboard for the Dismays Inn and I wanted to know if you price match?

pause the large billboard he was passing is at least 3 hour away in another county and I already want to tell him the answer is no but my boss is standing next to me so I played nice.

Me: Well this isn’t a Dismays Inn but…

MrB: IT SAYS IT’S 55 DOLLARS A NIGHT! HOT DAMN CAN I GET A ROOM IN YOUR HOTEL FOR THAT PRICE?

Me: Sir our going rate tonight is nearly 3 times that amount and we do not price match with hotels from other counties as the demand for tourism in the area you are currently in may not match up to ours. However I could give you an Old Guys R Us discount or something from the Auto Club if you have either of those?

MrB: No. What I want to know is does the Dismays Inn have to honor this hot deal no matter where I go?

Me: Sir I don’t think I can answer that as I do not work for the parent company of the Dismays Inn or any of their subsidiaries and I actually do not believe that the city of Pineapple has a property with that chain here, but I’d be glad to google that for you.

I google and find out that the company does own a Fauxmada in town but their rates aren’t in that 55 dollar range but lord is he welcome to try them instead of wasting my time.

Me: Sir it does appear that the Fauxmada is the same company as the Dismays Inn in Pineapple, so I would be happy to give you their number if you’d like. please bitches over at the Fauxmada, just take this man off my phone

MrB: That’d be swell lady. But I gotta ask you, because you sound like a girl who gets around… have you ever stayed there?

Me: No Mr. B. I live in this city and I have a home of my own.

MrB: Yeah but you sound like a girl who gets around so have you ever visited a friend staying there or something?

Me: I assure you I get nowhere. Would you like their number so you can find out what their company policy and rates are because I quite frankly do not work there and can not provide service for a hotel I do not work at.

MrB: I beeetttttt you can.

Me: This conversation is terminated. Goodbye

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · personal · Uncategorized

the one where i really almost lost my shit

Yesterday was my Friday and trust me when I say I needed it to be Friday. It was supposed to be a really really chill night but nope.

Surprise, Motherfuckas, we’re 5 rooms away from a sell out and everyone has their “I suck” pants on.

I get there to be greeted by an insanely busy lobby and a request to make a bunch of welcome bags that I never had any time to do.

Within minutes of getting strapped in to my uniform, I had a guest yelling at my partner in the lobby. He was trying to crowd in front of 7 people because he couldn’t find the tv remote in the room he was already checked in to.

Wait what? When it came to almost blows I stepped out from behind the desk and escorted this idiot and his granddaughter to their room to go look for the offending remote. On arrival the wife let me know they had found the remote. But then the husband berated me in the hall for a hot minute because he said his keys were acting up. Trust me, remember the guy from 159, he’s gonna be a problem later on.

I get back and we have a brief moment for me to check on coffee. Apparently this was going to be the second chapter to my shit fuck day because I started up a pot of decaf and walked away to check on the shrieking phones, steady stream of guests, etc.

Fast forward to happy hour. Our attendant hadn’t arrived yet so I went to start setting up except she showed while I was doing it so she got mad and then directed my attention to the coffee machine which was doing something shitty… as it was overflowing or backing up or something.

I’ve made thousands of pots of coffee and I haven’t fucked one up in awhile. I pulled the airpot off and it was a 1/4 full. I went to pull the filter thingy off and was promptly splashed with coffee because the filter part was clogged with god knows what and it went all over my uniform. And burned me too but whatever, I actually finally smelled like coffee and sadness. And there weren’t spare unis laying around.

Cue to me trying to check in a regular guest while trying not to whimper about my superficial coffee burns. Guest started being kind of fake jokingly rude and I cried. I mean I’m standing there in my undershirt trying to check this guy in and he’s giving me shit and then all of a sudden wants to know why my attitude sucks.

To regular guests credit he bought me dinner later when he realized he was being a fuckface so I won’t dog him too hard.

But then 159 comes back up. His keys don’t work. Since my coworker was about to fight him the last time we saw him, I made him new keys and ran over to his room. Showed him how the keys work and already saw three things that made me want to bounce him: 5 people in a 2Q, with an illegal cot, two dogs with one pet fee and this guy is already a fuck face.

Bouncing someone however when you have other people on the rental death panel isn’t the easiest. So asshole lived to annoy longer.

After noting the log book, the dude comes back up to the desk to “Ask where to eat for dinner” and really it was just to engage my coworker in another fight. I tried stepping in again and got shooed away by my coworker and the fuckhead guest and again we had other guests in the lobby besides this asshead so I attended to them. 159 leaves and my coworker is fuming.

My coworker gets off work and 159 rears his ugly head on the phone.

159: I GODDAMNED PAID OVER 400 LIKE 450 A NIGHT FOR THIS ROOM AND YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT I’M FUCKING FRUSTRATED THAT THIS ROOM KEY DOESN’T EVER FUCKING WORK AND IM ON VACATION WITH MY GRANDBABIES.

how are you calling me from inside the room if your door key is THAT bad? Also you’re here for one night at 165 something prepaid, please fuck yourself, I can see exactly what you paid for the fucking room and exactly how you paid for it. Shit I know where you live, don’t try to lie to me about how much you paid for a room.

Me: Well sir I’d be happy to run over some new keys but as I advised earlier..

159: I don’t have a fucking cell phone and nothing else you’ve done has fucking helped one bit..

I’m not proud.. I lost my temper.

Me: SIR AT BEST I CAN SEND SOMEONE OVER TO LOOK AT YOUR DOOR AND BRING YOU FRESH KEYS BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE AWARE THAT YOU’VE BEEN WARNED SEVERAL TIMES ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR AND YOU ARE ON EXTREMELY THIN ICE WITH THIS PROPERTY AT THIS POINT.

159: Just give me the fucking keys.

I slammed the phone down and my housewoman who is not someone who I’d like to cross asked me about what was going on and we decided to trade, I’d take shampoo and conditioner to a room in the main building. Yeah these greasy dudes had been at the pool at all day but at least all they wanted was shampoo.

My housewoman cameback from asshole in 159’s room with two pearls of wisdom.

1-“THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS TOO STUPID TO WORK A GOTTDAMN DOOR WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON THE KEY AND THE GODDAMNNED DOOR LOCK. HE’S BEEN STICKING IT IN BACKWARDS AND NOT EVEN DOING THE FULL SWIPE. BITCH.

2-Let’s just kick him out. He sucks.His dogs are annoying and there’s definitely an illegal bed in there or they’re building fucking forts. What the hell is wrong with everyone?

I got the fuck out late. I had to have my husband bring me a non uniform shirt to wear after the coffee incident. I cried. I considered going to the dog park and getting some doggy deposits for this fuckers door but I’m a pro.

personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

it is a small world after all…

So today I’m talking to my co-worker who KNOWS everything.  He used to work at another property next door to my former base of operations like 900 years ago and I mentioned the two times I had stayed at that hotel either on purpose because of my former job or on accident because hey, my friend’s band checked in and I was gonna stay there and party all night, whatever…

As it turns out I met my most frequent hotel partner like 10 years ago. My friends band was staying at his hotel and while I will not release the details of that entire adventure, I will say that there was fire involved.

I was a civilian at the time. I have a fuzzy memory of my co-worker, he was the one who did the beer run for my friends band.

That was a fun night despite someone in our party going off and setting his own hair on fire. Seriously it was the best night ever. Who knew this many years later I’d be standing next to the guy who checked in my friends band and witnessed all this shit and didn’t kick us all out?

I love working with this cat. He literally does KNOW everything. And almost everyone I’ve ever met. Yet a new reason to love my new gig.

#genderlesspersonhoodofthekeys

 

 

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal · third party bookings · Uncategorized

Murphys Law Mondays

This is my first week of training on mornings. I also had three days prior.  AutoClerk at least to my knowledge doesn’t do the same mass check out function that Opera does. Also we don’t do the receipt under the door at the new place so I have to check people out as they come by.

Yesterday it was the woman who waited until her departure to tell us her shower didn’t work. She was prepaid so because she didn’t bother to tell us and wanted to leave that second even with four hours to check out, we couldn’t do anything for her except offer to fix her shower (it wasn’t broken, operator error) so she left in a huff.

You’re pre-paid. Take it up with Expedia.

The last guy was a Magic Beans club member and I honestly did feel bad. His stay notes pretty much looked like the stay from hell. Cute dog upstairs from he and his wife was still a puppy. Pretty sure it was the same dog that peed in our lobby so they moved him to another room for the second night and gave a slight discount. I mean we’re pet friendly, dogs are gonna dog but it wasn’t an issue to move him. Second room he was moved to was sometime last night after my shift ended. He went into the room and HK had “cleaned the room” but had left a large assortment of dirty laundry from the previous guest in it. I’m just as confused as y’all but we moved him again.

Room number three wasn’t even the room type he wanted but its what we had. This is the room he checked out of today. While they were checking under the decorative throw on the second bed in the 2Q because he’d misplaced a thing and thought it might have fallen out on the luggage bed he found a fucking tampon. Unclear or not if it was used but he did put it in the trash for us and let us know so we could check the trash. He and his wife were too male or too old to be using tampons so…

I am so disappointed.

Anyway the fucked up part of all this is, he was so fucking nice about the whole thing. Totally said he loved the hotel and that we were so attentive and eager to fix any issues that they had problems with and that they weren’t mad just thought we should know. That they’d stay with us again, our breakfast is the shit, they stay with our brand all over the country, thanked us etc and that was before I went and got my manager and was just like “dude, do a thing.”

So New Manager did a thing and knocked some money off their bill because they weren’t prepaid. I’m surprised we didn’t offer them Magic Beans points but this poor guest, their stay was like the biggest debacle and they were so nice.

Conversely we had a false review over the weekend. They had waited well over a month to accuse us of  the b. bugs. As per policy we tore the room up looking for evidence but seriously bitch wanted a full refund for her night of “horrible torture” that she didn’t feel the need to mention when she checked out. Last month.

“We are so sorry about the bites you received on your trip. We are more sorry they weren’t bites from bears.”

Fuck off.