how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

your wifi is broken

Guest on phone: Your wifi doesn’t work. I put in the password and it doesn’t work.

Me: the password is ****** and is printed on the key envelope.

GOP: It doesn’t work.

Me: Is this a laptop or a cell phone.

(trust me this is important actually, it can determine how I have to “fix” the problem.)

Guest on phone: *hangs up on me.*

Later…

Guest On Phone: HAVE YOU FIXED THE WIFI PASSWORD YET?

Me: Sir it is printed on your key envelope but it is still ******.

Guest: It’d doesn’t work. You are wrong.

Later….

Guest comes into lobby and thrusts phone at me.

Guest: YOU PUT THE PASSWORD IN YOU WILL SEE IT DOES NOT WORK.

Me: *in my sleep puts password in, phone connects to the wifi* Here you go sir, have a good night.

Guest: YOU DID A TRICK! You changed the password before I came down.

Me: *gets out an another key envelope with the same wifi code stamped on it, draws a box around the code like I do at every check in* The code is here, ****8

Guest’s wife: I kept telling you that last number wasn’t a B but you don’t listen.

Me: Thank you, have a good night!

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

But my daddy said

Last night I had this 20 year old kid check in as a walk in. He seemed nice at check in, called me ma’am and all that jazz. I sent him and his girlfriend up to a room and honestly didn’t expect to hear from them again for the night. They were on their way back to an area of my state that is currently kind of flooded so I didn’t imagine I’d get this call around 8pm, approximately 2 hours after they checked in:

Phone: Ma’am I need you to send someone up here right away, I don’t feel safe in this room.

Me: I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem, I can have someone up there in the next 3 minus…

Phone: No ma’am you’re not listening to me, I need someone to inspect every corner of this room, y’all have bed bugs.

(sidebar) the words BED BUGS are like saying any slur you can think of at a hotel. And we don’t have bed bugs by the way unless we got them in the last 28 hours since the bug man came…

Me: Okay well I’d be happy to move you to another room sir and…

Phone: Look my daddy said I need to take pictures of this whole ass room and they’ll decided what they’re going to about this.

Me: Sir I can’t do anything about having someone come up to your room if I’m on the phone….

Phone: MY PARENTS SAID THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE ACTION AGAINST THIS HOTEL UNLES…

Me: Sir, if you would just hang up the phone and come down to the lobby I can let you check out free of charge. It’s not a refund because you haven’t been charged yet. Do you want to wait for a staff member to check the room or…

Phone: My daddy said not to discuss this with you.

Me: I’ll see you in the lobby sir.

As they were only in the room two hours tops and I really wanted head of housekeeping to look at it, I went ahead and checked them out free of charge and put the room out of order. During the entire check out process Little Lord Daddy’s boy talked on his phone to college project partners, his mother who was buying him a suit and I assume Daddy.

My night time houseperson looked at the room and took video and photos.

There wasn’t any evidence of bed bugs, or bugs of any kind. Just hair, from the head of Daddy’s favorite son.

My theory is the kid had a credit card that his parents pay for and they saw the authorization and demanded the kid get out of his 160 dollar room and get his butt home to the city that’s just an hour away.

20 years old and telling me what his daddy said… Okay then. That’s not weird.

people on the phone · Uncategorized

phone calls

Me: thank you for calling blah blah blah

Phone: How much is your cheapest motel?

Me: (not knowing if he thinks he called central reservations or a real estate office) I’m sorry could you repeat that?

Phone: (in a long sarcastic rude voice) HOW MUCH IS YOUR CHEAPEST MOTEL?

Me: Are you inquiring about a room at our property in City of Pineapple?

Phone: JESUS ARE YOU THAT DENSE?

Me: I’m sorry sir, we’re refusing service to you, no matter what you’re inquiring about. *slams down phone*

After I relay this story to my boss here was her response-

Boss: Was his name Richard? Next time tell him it’s 80 million dollars and then hang up on him.

This is why I work here. I’m still so mad that I’m shaking but I did laugh a little after she said that.

people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

desk to desk, heart to heart

I am a bad FDA. I forgot to call the desk at the hotel we’re staying at tonight until this morning.

Back story, I have a segmented reservation. I didn’t intend to go to my destination until tomorrow but then I realized I could get a room at my rate tonight to reduce some traveling stress for my husband so we have two reservations.

I called down to 4 star Airport Hotel this morning and got a lovely lady we’ll call Cathy on the phone.

Cathy: Thank You for calling 4 Star Airport Hotel!

Me: Hi Cathy are you the desk at the hotel or central reservations because I am super stupid and forgot to call until today to give a heads up about my reservation.

Cathy cracks up already and assures me she is at the desk in 4 Star Airport Hotel. I have always liked the people at 4 Star Airport Hotels which is why I always stay at them when I travel.

Me: So I have a segmented reservation and I just wanted to let you know we can stay in the same room both nights if its possible, if not move us. We’ll stay in the handicapped room, the one with a view of a wall, next to the elevator, we absolutely don’t care, put us in the broom closet.

By this time Cathy is laughing too hard and then says “Don’t tempt me I’ve always wanted to throw a roll away into the closet and tell people it’s a room.”

And now I’m laughing my ass off and also apologizing for not calling sooner and of course letting her know we won’t be early and that we actually do not care which room we get.

Cathy says quite seriously “No seriously thank you for giving us a call. I see your two reservations here and I’ll do my best not to put you somewhere shitty. OOps. wait I shouldn’t have said that but you sound like one of us.”

Me: I am. And I hope I get to meet you this weekend. Thanks lady.

There you go. A happy tale from the desk.

how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

why do I answer the phone?

phone: So this is going to be a strange question…

Me: Sir, I assure you there are no strange questions, how can we help you tonight?

phone: Do you rent rooms by the hour?

Me: No we do not.

phone: what if it’s two hours?

Me: Sir, if you want a room for tonight you will have to pay for the entire night, I do not care how many hours you occupy the space.

phone: How much is the room then tonight? I get a discount right?

Me: It’s 158.99 plus tax?

Phone: for two hours?

Me: again Sir I have zero interest in how many hours you are going to occupy the room. Our standard rack rate tonight is 158.99 with an additional authorization of 275.00 if you are a local.

Phone: oh uhhhh damn do you know any hotels that rent by the hour?

Me: I absolutely do not, bye bye now.

In one hour I am off for four days.

how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

the one where someone actually apologized to me

So yesterday I had a former guest call asking about a bill. I looked up the folio while this man told me his life story on the phone. I guess he stayed with us a few weeks ago for 9 days.

First of all with our rates, that’s your first mistake, we’re not cheap. But when I found his bill and he was getting more and more distressed and just getting ruder by the moment. I’ll be me and he’ll be Bill Guy.

Bill Guy: So I have a charge for 859.00 and then another charge for 101.00 and we checked out the night of the 17th!

Me: Okay well if you check out after 1pm, that’s still a full day and you’re telling me you came down to the desk and checked out at 9pm.

BG: Yes but we didn’t leave for our flight until 4am.

Me:0_o Okay so if you stay past 1pm it’s a new day.

BG: but we checked out at 9pm

Me: and yes that would still be after 1pm

BG: I didn’t spend the night on the 17th, we left at 4am.

You ever have one of those days when you’re just not playing with these people anymore?

Me: Sir, you clearly are not understanding me. You were given a bill for your room if you had left the minute you came to the desk with the instructions to LET US KNOW when you were actually departing the room. By staying until 4am and never actually checking out you technically stayed on the date you don’t feel you should pay for, so since you are not listening to me, I am going to transfer you to my general manager and allow them to explain hotel policies to you.

transfer

I wrote out a note for my GM who was in the lobby talking to someone.

She came over to me before going to her office and I told her what had happened and in the middle of explaining this idiocy to her the guy called back and asked for me.

BG: You know I just looked at the bill again and was thinkin’ about what you said and I see that I am just confused and wrong. I’m sorry young lady I was being a cuss and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.

Me: blink blink blink: Oh sir don’t even worry about it, I’m glad you were able to resolve the issue, if you’d still like to speak to my manager she is right here..

BG: Oh no not necessary. Please have her disregard the voicemail I left.

Me: Sure thing sir, have a lovely day we look forward to seeing you again soon.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized

the sketchy night of very bad not very good things

Okay I knew this weekend was going to be a Shit Show. The very big important university has some family weekend going on and the local tourist trap beach has a festival celebrating clams so all the hotels are full and the prices are higher than Snoop Dogg.

Anything to do with university and the parents coming is a ridiculous mess. Parents for some reason never book a room that’s large enough for the family and think we have this storage room full of two queen rooms that we’re just waiting to swap out because Little Becky (with the good hair) MIIIIIIGHT want to spend the night with her parents this weekend. (Spoiler alert, she does not.)

Tonight’s cast of looloo’s was wide and varied but a few stuck out. Let’s meet the contestants shall we?

1-Visiting us all the way from a big ass wildfire, we have EVACUEE WOMAN. My heart goes out to her it does. It’s not her fault her city burnt down or that she has medical problems or that her insurance company sucks at doing paperwork. What is her fault is not stating at check in that someone else was paying for her room leading to her being sour. Then dramatic when she recounted all the horrors she’s experienced and then her suddenly thrusting a cell phone into my face and my manager’s face when she located an insurance agent. Then she immediately turned her nose up at the room I had chosen for her BECAUSE OF HER FUCKING MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND THE HUGE AMOUNT OF LUGGAGE SHE HAS WITH HER, where she can IDK use the elevator to access her room. The reason she doesn’t want the room? She doesn’t like the view.

She wants to look at nature. But she can’t climb stairs.

Okay…. Y’all on a weekend like this one, I can’t just go yep lady not paying for your room and paying disaster victims rates you get the nicest room possible. Let me just throw out these people paying over 300 dollars a night so you can look at… well shit I don’t know what you’re going to look at WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STRIP MALL AREA, TWIT.

She then went to her room and called down and threatened to switch hotels because her TV didn’t come on right away. Great, fine, go to another hotel! Maybe they have some nature for you to look at. We have a pancake house and a mountain. Whatever.

2-Crazy assed lady on the bench. We have some guests staying with us at the moment that don’t look like the can afford the price of admission, but the hell do I know, ya know? So the first three times I saw Crazy Assed Lady on the Bench, I thought, “well here’s a woman smoking cigarettes and talking on her Bluetooth. She was definitely having a conversation with someone, even that person was Elvis. Three hours later she was still out there… probably time to call the cops.

3-Bitchy Bike Babe had us move her room assignment a million times to make sure they could see their bikes. BBB also didn’t want to stay in a 2 Q in the Dungeon Hallway which is where I put all the bikers because they literally can sit on the balcony and stare at their bikes. She was just rude and off putting though. Finally we made her and her husband happy enough they went to get a luggage cart to abuse and yell at. Sorry luggage cart, but it’s better you than me.

4-Sketchy Bitch Lady. SBL was by far my favorite. She was insane from the get go. She was standing like 3 feet from the desk bellowing her reservation information and proceeded to ask for a “newer room” and telling me her room THE LAST TIME SHE STAYED THERE “was sketchy and she wasn’t happy.” Great so unhappy that I am standing here talking to her. Awesome. She requests a pool view and she paid for a standard. Nope. Just be glad I don’t want to talk to you ever ever again or you’d be sleeping next to the ice machine. Please take your keys and go. Nope, she called down again about breakfast, wifi and pool hours and generally everything I was telling her while she was whining about not getting a pool view.

If you want a pool view, book a goddamned pool view. If you can’t afford the 10 dollar upgrade fee, don’t be an asshole straight after walking in the door, I  may hook a sis up but not when you act like a turd monster on arrival. Bye Girl Bye.

Then she had her daughter call down and demand more hair products. Sure, I wear my fitbit to work for a reason. Here’s your soap lady in an entirely different building on the third floor.

Some of the other funny guests included: Guy who was so smashed that he was falling asleep on the desk when his wife was checking him in. Wife had to resort to calling him like a puppy to get him to follow her to their room. She shrugged and was like “Men, amirite?”

The funny French family who loved my usual line of “I speak French like a trashcan.”

The guy who almost caused a 5 car accident coming into our parking lot who also had a yappy little dog of some sort with him and looked at  me like I grew a second head when I handed him a pet policy.

Tour Bus driver who insisted I give her a walk in rate of under 200 dollars. Nope.

The really nice man who wanted to go get Starbucks for us. We didn’t want him to though because…

WHAT THE FUCK CITY OF PINEAPPLE? Y’all are ripping up the road in front of my hotel which okay cool but the trucks honking constantly and the closing of the lanes has some of these people who were throwing out 350 dollars a night kinda pissed off. I don’t know who decided one of the busiest weekends of the fall was the best time for this, but I’d like to mildly inconvenience them in some passive aggressive manner.

Too Long; Didn’t read: I hate Parents Weekend.