how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

your wifi is broken

Guest on phone: Your wifi doesn’t work. I put in the password and it doesn’t work.

Me: the password is ****** and is printed on the key envelope.

GOP: It doesn’t work.

Me: Is this a laptop or a cell phone.

(trust me this is important actually, it can determine how I have to “fix” the problem.)

Guest on phone: *hangs up on me.*



Me: Sir it is printed on your key envelope but it is still ******.

Guest: It’d doesn’t work. You are wrong.


Guest comes into lobby and thrusts phone at me.


Me: *in my sleep puts password in, phone connects to the wifi* Here you go sir, have a good night.

Guest: YOU DID A TRICK! You changed the password before I came down.

Me: *gets out an another key envelope with the same wifi code stamped on it, draws a box around the code like I do at every check in* The code is here, ****8

Guest’s wife: I kept telling you that last number wasn’t a B but you don’t listen.

Me: Thank you, have a good night!

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

But my daddy said

Last night I had this 20 year old kid check in as a walk in. He seemed nice at check in, called me ma’am and all that jazz. I sent him and his girlfriend up to a room and honestly didn’t expect to hear from them again for the night. They were on their way back to an area of my state that is currently kind of flooded so I didn’t imagine I’d get this call around 8pm, approximately 2 hours after they checked in:

Phone: Ma’am I need you to send someone up here right away, I don’t feel safe in this room.

Me: I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem, I can have someone up there in the next 3 minus…

Phone: No ma’am you’re not listening to me, I need someone to inspect every corner of this room, y’all have bed bugs.

(sidebar) the words BED BUGS are like saying any slur you can think of at a hotel. And we don’t have bed bugs by the way unless we got them in the last 28 hours since the bug man came…

Me: Okay well I’d be happy to move you to another room sir and…

Phone: Look my daddy said I need to take pictures of this whole ass room and they’ll decided what they’re going to about this.

Me: Sir I can’t do anything about having someone come up to your room if I’m on the phone….


Me: Sir, if you would just hang up the phone and come down to the lobby I can let you check out free of charge. It’s not a refund because you haven’t been charged yet. Do you want to wait for a staff member to check the room or…

Phone: My daddy said not to discuss this with you.

Me: I’ll see you in the lobby sir.

As they were only in the room two hours tops and I really wanted head of housekeeping to look at it, I went ahead and checked them out free of charge and put the room out of order. During the entire check out process Little Lord Daddy’s boy talked on his phone to college project partners, his mother who was buying him a suit and I assume Daddy.

My night time houseperson looked at the room and took video and photos.

There wasn’t any evidence of bed bugs, or bugs of any kind. Just hair, from the head of Daddy’s favorite son.

My theory is the kid had a credit card that his parents pay for and they saw the authorization and demanded the kid get out of his 160 dollar room and get his butt home to the city that’s just an hour away.

20 years old and telling me what his daddy said… Okay then. That’s not weird.

people on the phone · Uncategorized

phone calls

Me: thank you for calling blah blah blah

Phone: How much is your cheapest motel?

Me: (not knowing if he thinks he called central reservations or a real estate office) I’m sorry could you repeat that?

Phone: (in a long sarcastic rude voice) HOW MUCH IS YOUR CHEAPEST MOTEL?

Me: Are you inquiring about a room at our property in City of Pineapple?


Me: I’m sorry sir, we’re refusing service to you, no matter what you’re inquiring about. *slams down phone*

After I relay this story to my boss here was her response-

Boss: Was his name Richard? Next time tell him it’s 80 million dollars and then hang up on him.

This is why I work here. I’m still so mad that I’m shaking but I did laugh a little after she said that.

people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

desk to desk, heart to heart

I am a bad FDA. I forgot to call the desk at the hotel we’re staying at tonight until this morning.

Back story, I have a segmented reservation. I didn’t intend to go to my destination until tomorrow but then I realized I could get a room at my rate tonight to reduce some traveling stress for my husband so we have two reservations.

I called down to 4 star Airport Hotel this morning and got a lovely lady we’ll call Cathy on the phone.

Cathy: Thank You for calling 4 Star Airport Hotel!

Me: Hi Cathy are you the desk at the hotel or central reservations because I am super stupid and forgot to call until today to give a heads up about my reservation.

Cathy cracks up already and assures me she is at the desk in 4 Star Airport Hotel. I have always liked the people at 4 Star Airport Hotels which is why I always stay at them when I travel.

Me: So I have a segmented reservation and I just wanted to let you know we can stay in the same room both nights if its possible, if not move us. We’ll stay in the handicapped room, the one with a view of a wall, next to the elevator, we absolutely don’t care, put us in the broom closet.

By this time Cathy is laughing too hard and then says “Don’t tempt me I’ve always wanted to throw a roll away into the closet and tell people it’s a room.”

And now I’m laughing my ass off and also apologizing for not calling sooner and of course letting her know we won’t be early and that we actually do not care which room we get.

Cathy says quite seriously “No seriously thank you for giving us a call. I see your two reservations here and I’ll do my best not to put you somewhere shitty. OOps. wait I shouldn’t have said that but you sound like one of us.”

Me: I am. And I hope I get to meet you this weekend. Thanks lady.

There you go. A happy tale from the desk.

how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

why do I answer the phone?

phone: So this is going to be a strange question…

Me: Sir, I assure you there are no strange questions, how can we help you tonight?

phone: Do you rent rooms by the hour?

Me: No we do not.

phone: what if it’s two hours?

Me: Sir, if you want a room for tonight you will have to pay for the entire night, I do not care how many hours you occupy the space.

phone: How much is the room then tonight? I get a discount right?

Me: It’s 158.99 plus tax?

Phone: for two hours?

Me: again Sir I have zero interest in how many hours you are going to occupy the room. Our standard rack rate tonight is 158.99 with an additional authorization of 275.00 if you are a local.

Phone: oh uhhhh damn do you know any hotels that rent by the hour?

Me: I absolutely do not, bye bye now.

In one hour I am off for four days.

how do you survive on your own · people on the phone · Uncategorized

the one where someone actually apologized to me

So yesterday I had a former guest call asking about a bill. I looked up the folio while this man told me his life story on the phone. I guess he stayed with us a few weeks ago for 9 days.

First of all with our rates, that’s your first mistake, we’re not cheap. But when I found his bill and he was getting more and more distressed and just getting ruder by the moment. I’ll be me and he’ll be Bill Guy.

Bill Guy: So I have a charge for 859.00 and then another charge for 101.00 and we checked out the night of the 17th!

Me: Okay well if you check out after 1pm, that’s still a full day and you’re telling me you came down to the desk and checked out at 9pm.

BG: Yes but we didn’t leave for our flight until 4am.

Me:0_o Okay so if you stay past 1pm it’s a new day.

BG: but we checked out at 9pm

Me: and yes that would still be after 1pm

BG: I didn’t spend the night on the 17th, we left at 4am.

You ever have one of those days when you’re just not playing with these people anymore?

Me: Sir, you clearly are not understanding me. You were given a bill for your room if you had left the minute you came to the desk with the instructions to LET US KNOW when you were actually departing the room. By staying until 4am and never actually checking out you technically stayed on the date you don’t feel you should pay for, so since you are not listening to me, I am going to transfer you to my general manager and allow them to explain hotel policies to you.


I wrote out a note for my GM who was in the lobby talking to someone.

She came over to me before going to her office and I told her what had happened and in the middle of explaining this idiocy to her the guy called back and asked for me.

BG: You know I just looked at the bill again and was thinkin’ about what you said and I see that I am just confused and wrong. I’m sorry young lady I was being a cuss and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.

Me: blink blink blink: Oh sir don’t even worry about it, I’m glad you were able to resolve the issue, if you’d still like to speak to my manager she is right here..

BG: Oh no not necessary. Please have her disregard the voicemail I left.

Me: Sure thing sir, have a lovely day we look forward to seeing you again soon.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · sold out! · Uncategorized

the sketchy night of very bad not very good things

Okay I knew this weekend was going to be a Shit Show. The very big important university has some family weekend going on and the local tourist trap beach has a festival celebrating clams so all the hotels are full and the prices are higher than Snoop Dogg.

Anything to do with university and the parents coming is a ridiculous mess. Parents for some reason never book a room that’s large enough for the family and think we have this storage room full of two queen rooms that we’re just waiting to swap out because Little Becky (with the good hair) MIIIIIIGHT want to spend the night with her parents this weekend. (Spoiler alert, she does not.)

Tonight’s cast of looloo’s was wide and varied but a few stuck out. Let’s meet the contestants shall we?

1-Visiting us all the way from a big ass wildfire, we have EVACUEE WOMAN. My heart goes out to her it does. It’s not her fault her city burnt down or that she has medical problems or that her insurance company sucks at doing paperwork. What is her fault is not stating at check in that someone else was paying for her room leading to her being sour. Then dramatic when she recounted all the horrors she’s experienced and then her suddenly thrusting a cell phone into my face and my manager’s face when she located an insurance agent. Then she immediately turned her nose up at the room I had chosen for her BECAUSE OF HER FUCKING MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND THE HUGE AMOUNT OF LUGGAGE SHE HAS WITH HER, where she can IDK use the elevator to access her room. The reason she doesn’t want the room? She doesn’t like the view.

She wants to look at nature. But she can’t climb stairs.

Okay…. Y’all on a weekend like this one, I can’t just go yep lady not paying for your room and paying disaster victims rates you get the nicest room possible. Let me just throw out these people paying over 300 dollars a night so you can look at… well shit I don’t know what you’re going to look at WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STRIP MALL AREA, TWIT.

She then went to her room and called down and threatened to switch hotels because her TV didn’t come on right away. Great, fine, go to another hotel! Maybe they have some nature for you to look at. We have a pancake house and a mountain. Whatever.

2-Crazy assed lady on the bench. We have some guests staying with us at the moment that don’t look like the can afford the price of admission, but the hell do I know, ya know? So the first three times I saw Crazy Assed Lady on the Bench, I thought, “well here’s a woman smoking cigarettes and talking on her Bluetooth. She was definitely having a conversation with someone, even that person was Elvis. Three hours later she was still out there… probably time to call the cops.

3-Bitchy Bike Babe had us move her room assignment a million times to make sure they could see their bikes. BBB also didn’t want to stay in a 2 Q in the Dungeon Hallway which is where I put all the bikers because they literally can sit on the balcony and stare at their bikes. She was just rude and off putting though. Finally we made her and her husband happy enough they went to get a luggage cart to abuse and yell at. Sorry luggage cart, but it’s better you than me.

4-Sketchy Bitch Lady. SBL was by far my favorite. She was insane from the get go. She was standing like 3 feet from the desk bellowing her reservation information and proceeded to ask for a “newer room” and telling me her room THE LAST TIME SHE STAYED THERE “was sketchy and she wasn’t happy.” Great so unhappy that I am standing here talking to her. Awesome. She requests a pool view and she paid for a standard. Nope. Just be glad I don’t want to talk to you ever ever again or you’d be sleeping next to the ice machine. Please take your keys and go. Nope, she called down again about breakfast, wifi and pool hours and generally everything I was telling her while she was whining about not getting a pool view.

If you want a pool view, book a goddamned pool view. If you can’t afford the 10 dollar upgrade fee, don’t be an asshole straight after walking in the door, I  may hook a sis up but not when you act like a turd monster on arrival. Bye Girl Bye.

Then she had her daughter call down and demand more hair products. Sure, I wear my fitbit to work for a reason. Here’s your soap lady in an entirely different building on the third floor.

Some of the other funny guests included: Guy who was so smashed that he was falling asleep on the desk when his wife was checking him in. Wife had to resort to calling him like a puppy to get him to follow her to their room. She shrugged and was like “Men, amirite?”

The funny French family who loved my usual line of “I speak French like a trashcan.”

The guy who almost caused a 5 car accident coming into our parking lot who also had a yappy little dog of some sort with him and looked at  me like I grew a second head when I handed him a pet policy.

Tour Bus driver who insisted I give her a walk in rate of under 200 dollars. Nope.

The really nice man who wanted to go get Starbucks for us. We didn’t want him to though because…

WHAT THE FUCK CITY OF PINEAPPLE? Y’all are ripping up the road in front of my hotel which okay cool but the trucks honking constantly and the closing of the lanes has some of these people who were throwing out 350 dollars a night kinda pissed off. I don’t know who decided one of the busiest weekends of the fall was the best time for this, but I’d like to mildly inconvenience them in some passive aggressive manner.

Too Long; Didn’t read: I hate Parents Weekend.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · Uncategorized

Mr Picky

A few months back a man from the other side of the country called wanting a reservation for here at Casa De Pineapple. But before I would make that reservation he had some specific questions.

1-How many Unitarian or Episcopalin Churches were in our city? And did I know where this particular church was.

2-How far are we from downtown? Could he walk there, he’s 71 you know so…

3-So is there a bus system then? And how are your cabs? No lady I don’t uber I’m too old to uber. Did I mention I was 71?

4-What sort of breakfast items do you serve? Is the sausage kosher?

5-How far are you from my son’s house (this is without giving me his son’s street, let alone address)?

6-Give me your top 5 places to eat in order and give me their phone numbers.

I wasn’t busy that day so I did all this and finally Mr Picky booked a room and I cringed and prayed I wouldn’t be here while he was staying here. Anything is possible. People I hated talking to on the phone check in all the time and I never see them.

This past weekend I was working mornings and on Sunday an older man in a suit came down with a big list and a bunch of names and what not written on it and when I said Good Morning! he said:


Me: Well okay I can call the cab company for you, but do be aware that we only have X number of cabs in town and it is quite early so I am not sure how long it’s going to take.

He hands me the list and my heart sank. Oh no. It’s that guy.


No please, no thank you. Okay. So I call the main cab company and they tell me they don’t have any drivers signing in, in my city until 9am. Okay. So I try the other cab company and that cab couldn’t even start driving for another hour and a half. I explain this to Mr Picky and he pulls out his flip phone from 1790 and says:

MP: Well I can’t uber. My phone is too old, you’ll have to call Uber for me.

I probably don’t need to explain to anyone reading this that you don’t call Uber. At this point the lobby is starting to get busy and I know where he’s going so I check on my phone what the time and price for an uber would be. 4 minutes and 7 dollars and I order it for him. On my card.

During this four minutes Mr Picky paces around the lobby and tells me all of his plans for the day which include taking over my lounge area to “work” Also asking me where he can get breakfast at the precise minute he gets back (duh the free breakfast room that’s apparently located on an invisible plane of existence.)

I walk out with him to the Uber to explain that he wouldn’t be driving me but my guest.

Not once does Mr Picky thank me or even offer to pay me back for his ride.

When he comes back in about an hour and some change he just storms past the desk to change out of his church clothes and into his weird old man clothes. Then he storms past the desk to breakfast. Then comes back.


Me: What?

MP: You saw me come in, where did I put my sunglasses?

Me: Well I umm didn’t see you put them anywhere in the lobby so I’d guess the breakfast room or your room.


Me: Ummm.. no.


Me: Sir, I never saw you wearing a hat.


Me: I assure you I didn’t notice a hat on your head.

The phone rang thankfully and he stomped off. Also his friend he had been waiting for showed up and they went to the lounge area. I looked up a few minutes later and realized WHAT THE FUCK, they’d dragged our large lounge table over in front of the door and basically rearranged the room, what for I don’t know but they were blocking the door which is a fire hazard. I relayed this to the FDA coming on after me and clocked out. I had enough of Mr Picky.

So today I came in hoping he was gone. NOPE.

Before I even got all the way into my uniform Mr Picky was at the desk asking for “Stacey” which is apparently my name (that’s not my name) because Stacey knows how to get him a ride to the airport.

The fuck?

So I clock in and come out and he just launches into it.

MP: My Uber driver from yesterday can’t take me to the airport. I need you to call Uber and get me a different one.

Me: Sir that’s not how Uber works. I can see what it would COST YOU to take an uber if we schedule ahead tomorrow or I can call you a cab.

MP: Your night person told me cabs aren’t reliable.

Me: I assure you if we make you an appointment we can get you to the airport.

MP: Can’t you just call an Uber?

Me: No.

I did look up how much an uber would be, it was over 20 dollars. Nope, not doing it. So I called the cab company and scheduled him a cab an hour before he actually needs to leave to get to our airport just to be sure. They said fine and put it in the appointment log. I put a note out for night auditor to call and check on it later.

Mr Picky again doesn’t say thank you and just strides away from the desk to rearrange my lobby furniture again to suit his weird ass. Whatever.

Mr Picky’s friend arrives again and they take up the lounge until evening reception starts. Around the time the reception starts, they take off for dinner and I’m like thank god.

Mr Picky came back tonight buzzed on wine and proceeded to tell me the story of his book he’s writing and the woman who’s been showing up to hang out with him and just blabbed on and on until I had another customer walk up. He turned around and stomped off to his room. Again not one polite word for arranging everything for him from his dinner reservations and transportation and not hitting him upside his head with a cookie tray for moving my furniture.

He’ll be gone by the time I get here tomorrow. He’ll probably leave me a shitty review.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · third party bookings · Uncategorized

The Psychoist Psychoshift

So I come in today for a 3-11 and IDK what the fuck had been going on all morning but everyone already seemed like they were in a shitty mood. Then I realize it’s that time of the month…. no not mine, time to turn in tax exempt forms for guests we don’t charge whatever tax it is to. And all the forms were fucked up, including one of mine because someone filed it instead of leaving it in the folio because the guest was still in house.

But immediately the first guests I had were jerks. I gave them a room and went through all the usual shit and they were like “Oh this no good! We demand 3rd floor. We demand 3rd floor this morning on the phone and they told us we have 3rd floor.”

Which is of course why they were pre-assigned a 2nd floor room. Because notes in the profile for these guests had no mention of this stupid 3rd floor room. I look in the system and what the fuck do you know even though it’s already check in we have a LARGE number of dirty rooms still. What the fuck housekeeping?

So I call housekeeping and they just hadn’t finished inspecting rooms yet. I look on the tape chart and see this room in the main building that is their room type and took off upstairs with my key and yep this fucking room is clean just not in the system yet. So I haul ass back down three flights of stairs and make these people new keys. Do I get a thank you? No. Just “Good.”

Cultural differences maybe? Fuck if I know. Not a good start to my day.

Anyway after that one of my bosses who’s been on vacation started in on tax forms and personal accountability and just the same shit she always says but it’s disheartening. Like no one ever says hey good way to handle that, and this comes into play in the rest of my shit show day. I’m looking at the numbers we have available and begging them to close off online reservations. When we have five rooms and people are constantly trying to move and I can’t keep up… like we’re gonna sell those rooms, relax, just take us off the internet for a few minutes so I can figure this shit out and throw the phone that won’t shut the fuck up out into the street and hope a large truck rolls over it.

And right as I’m saying this, my boss brings me a Hotel Tonight reservation.

Housekeeping leaves and we still have rooms marked as dirty. A tv breaks. Another cable box breaks. Another one.

In the middle of all this shit we get the “you guys are all managers and shouldn’t be asking me for my opinion on everything every minute” from the back office.

Okay great. Watch what happens when I do.

Hotel Tonight guy comes in. We’d blocked him into an HK because sorry when you book through Hotel Tonight we get to choose where you go. We don’t hate you or anything because its a relatively easy service to deal with on both ends. Those are just hard rooms to sell, so you get to reserve them for fuck all. And I go to check him in…. suddenly we have zero HK rooms.

Wait. What? We have no rooms. Except a deluxe room which I promise you we wouldn’t have sold to a walk up tonight and I am not going through walking a HT guest. Nope, too many people here, too much shit, not doing it.

If you’re curious, a Hotel Tonight reservation only works at the hotel you made it at. So if the hotel suddenly can’t house you? We get to find someone who can and then call the company and get you a new ghost card. This can take up to an hour sometimes. Bleh. Nope.

So I gave the guy the room. Single business traveler, he’ll be gone by 7am most likely. You know the guy, computer bag, small rolling luggage, wants a beer and to go to bed.

So I explain to HT guy what’s going on and he’s so Unicorny nice, he fucking tipped me five bucks for checking him in and making sure we had a room for him.

“I would have slept in the broom closet! Thank you!”

Awesome so my boss comes back from whatever she was doing and I said again “Seriously we need to close these rooms out, we have no more rooms.”

Boss starts getting heated because I hadn’t marked all the rooms clean yet and I said HK never said they were all clean and then she was like why didn’t I look at the housekeeping report? Ummm because it’s usually not in the drawer up front and we had all these rooms put back in order that were out of order, but guess who they forgot to tell?

So then I get “Communication is key! You need to communicate better.”

COMMUNICATE FUCKING WHAT? The rooms that EVERYONE kept taking out of order and not telling me or that they were back? That the rooms were all clean and no one fucking told me and I was running around afternoon to check because…. deep breath.

A few minutes later my boss comes out and says “oh I think HK did tell me the rooms were all clean, I guess I forgot to tell you.”

Enter the Parents From Hell. Parents from Hell joined us last night and the Dad is completely chill but his wife is so not. I can’t tell if her accent (very very very, how many more verys can I add here SHRILL British Accent) is what is making me flinch or just that she just asked so many questions. Any way they have two rooms and one is for their adult daughter. Wait for it, these rooms were reserved through Expedia of course. And they asked me if we could put them near each other when they checked in yesterday. I said sure but these room types, we don’t have any that close together. (This is important) I can put you on the same floor though. Okay cool off they go.

The Parents From Hell, who have been coming down and bossing me around about their daughter’s reservation over and over ask me if they can have a key to put some groceries into her room which one of my coworkers had thoughtfully switched someone out if so they could be across the hall from each other. I say sure because it’s actually their name on the reservation anyway, and they paid for it.

Phone rings and it’s the Parents From Hell calling from their daughter’s room and the mom is LIVID. I could hear her through the phone as my co-worker talked to her.


CO- Ma’am on your reservation it says 1 king and you signed the registration card.

Mom- That’s NOT going to be okay. My daughter needs a room with two queen beds.

CO- Ma’m we’re practically sold out and I am unsure if I can get that for you if want to remain in the same building as your daughter.


(no she didn’t. My other coworker trying to be nice even gave the daughter a nicer room. But hey how the hell was I supposed to know they’d moved her to a new room after I’d changed it for them in the first place? Oh right I’m a fortune teller and I know all…)

CO- She’s going to have to be on the other side of the building or take the other room you were just in.


CO- okay.

When the Dad came down he was all apologies of his wife’s behavior and thanked us for whatever the fuck we did by moving the daughter to a room with two beds.

Dad- “Don’t worry. And thank you, I don’t want to listen to this shit for the rest of my trip”

There was so much other shit I can’t even remember but it was literally the dumbest day. Many guests barking one word questions, wanting directions over and over including the girls who I checked in for their business trip and one was actually too dumb to differientiate the CITY MAP from the hotel map.

I’ll be me, she’ll be DG

DG”Gosh this hotel is really big” She says pointing at the city map.”Where are our rooms on this map”

Me: They’re over here where I circled on the HOTEL map

DG: but where are they on this map? Gosh this place is just so big.

Me: See this dot? This is THE HOTEL. The rest of this map is the entire city. Your rooms are inside this dot I drew to show you where the hotel is. On this map of the hotel your rooms are here.

DG: gosh but

Her friend finally came up and rescued me.

Tomorrow is my actual Friday and 8 hours stands between me and me visiting another property, All hail other hotel, you get to take care of me this weekend.

I forgot to mention I checked in our owners tonight. Guess who didn’t know who the fuck they were and asked for their credit card and id’s and was on the phone and three different computers trying to find this guest we did have to walk a place to stay?

I’m getting fired.

guest post · how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized


So hotel workers talk to each other and some times some of them are funnier than I am. This one took the cake.

For all you night auditors like me who just want some peace and quiet.

The check-ins are all processed,

No more credit cards left to sweep.

You should be cozy and warm in your beds by now.

Please go the fuck to sleep.


The windows are dark in the town, friend.

Even the local drunks have left without a peep.

I’ll get you some extra towels if you swear

You’ll go the fuck to sleep.


I understand you don’t have a reservation,

You’re on vacation for yet another week.

I know there’s not a better rate online. That’s Bullshit. Stop lying.

Pay for your fucking room, walk-in, and sleep.


The wind whispers softly through the town,

The stores have all closed on the street.

What’s that, you’re hungry RIGHT NOW?

Jesus Christ, it’s fucking 2am. Go to sleep.


All the day shift workers are in dreamland,

Their normal schedules make me weep,

Hell no, you can’t speak to a manager (yeah I know it’s daytime in China where you’re calling from).

You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.


The owls fly forth from the treetops.

Through the air, they soar and they sweep.

A hot crimson rage fills my heart, asshole.

I’m trying to watch Netflix, shut the fuck up and sleep.


The lobby is quiet and peaceful.

Or it would be, if the world was righteous and neat.

How come you can hike in the park for 8 hours today

But you can’t stay in your fucking room and sleep?


The automatic sprinklers gently putter

Watering the bushes in the courtyard the landscapers will reap.

No more questions, that shit is on our website.

Don’t call me again. Fucking sleep.


The auditor reclines in his shoddy chair,

A local homeless man digs through the trash like a creep.

Fuck you, your air conditioner works fine. There’s nothing to fix.

Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.


The flowers doze low in the meadows

And high on the mountains so steep.

My life is a failure, I hate myself and my job.

Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

Based on the children’s book of the same name by Adam Mansbach. Minor edits to fix rusty formatting issues.

This comes from Reddit User Pouncival_Gaming who is hilarious.