Okay I knew this weekend was going to be a Shit Show. The very big important university has some family weekend going on and the local tourist trap beach has a festival celebrating clams so all the hotels are full and the prices are higher than Snoop Dogg.
Anything to do with university and the parents coming is a ridiculous mess. Parents for some reason never book a room that’s large enough for the family and think we have this storage room full of two queen rooms that we’re just waiting to swap out because Little Becky (with the good hair) MIIIIIIGHT want to spend the night with her parents this weekend. (Spoiler alert, she does not.)
Tonight’s cast of looloo’s was wide and varied but a few stuck out. Let’s meet the contestants shall we?
1-Visiting us all the way from a big ass wildfire, we have EVACUEE WOMAN. My heart goes out to her it does. It’s not her fault her city burnt down or that she has medical problems or that her insurance company sucks at doing paperwork. What is her fault is not stating at check in that someone else was paying for her room leading to her being sour. Then dramatic when she recounted all the horrors she’s experienced and then her suddenly thrusting a cell phone into my face and my manager’s face when she located an insurance agent. Then she immediately turned her nose up at the room I had chosen for her BECAUSE OF HER FUCKING MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND THE HUGE AMOUNT OF LUGGAGE SHE HAS WITH HER, where she can IDK use the elevator to access her room. The reason she doesn’t want the room? She doesn’t like the view.
She wants to look at nature. But she can’t climb stairs.
Okay…. Y’all on a weekend like this one, I can’t just go yep lady not paying for your room and paying disaster victims rates you get the nicest room possible. Let me just throw out these people paying over 300 dollars a night so you can look at… well shit I don’t know what you’re going to look at WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STRIP MALL AREA, TWIT.
She then went to her room and called down and threatened to switch hotels because her TV didn’t come on right away. Great, fine, go to another hotel! Maybe they have some nature for you to look at. We have a pancake house and a mountain. Whatever.
2-Crazy assed lady on the bench. We have some guests staying with us at the moment that don’t look like the can afford the price of admission, but the hell do I know, ya know? So the first three times I saw Crazy Assed Lady on the Bench, I thought, “well here’s a woman smoking cigarettes and talking on her Bluetooth. She was definitely having a conversation with someone, even that person was Elvis. Three hours later she was still out there… probably time to call the cops.
3-Bitchy Bike Babe had us move her room assignment a million times to make sure they could see their bikes. BBB also didn’t want to stay in a 2 Q in the Dungeon Hallway which is where I put all the bikers because they literally can sit on the balcony and stare at their bikes. She was just rude and off putting though. Finally we made her and her husband happy enough they went to get a luggage cart to abuse and yell at. Sorry luggage cart, but it’s better you than me.
4-Sketchy Bitch Lady. SBL was by far my favorite. She was insane from the get go. She was standing like 3 feet from the desk bellowing her reservation information and proceeded to ask for a “newer room” and telling me her room THE LAST TIME SHE STAYED THERE “was sketchy and she wasn’t happy.” Great so unhappy that I am standing here talking to her. Awesome. She requests a pool view and she paid for a standard. Nope. Just be glad I don’t want to talk to you ever ever again or you’d be sleeping next to the ice machine. Please take your keys and go. Nope, she called down again about breakfast, wifi and pool hours and generally everything I was telling her while she was whining about not getting a pool view.
If you want a pool view, book a goddamned pool view. If you can’t afford the 10 dollar upgrade fee, don’t be an asshole straight after walking in the door, I may hook a sis up but not when you act like a turd monster on arrival. Bye Girl Bye.
Then she had her daughter call down and demand more hair products. Sure, I wear my fitbit to work for a reason. Here’s your soap lady in an entirely different building on the third floor.
Some of the other funny guests included: Guy who was so smashed that he was falling asleep on the desk when his wife was checking him in. Wife had to resort to calling him like a puppy to get him to follow her to their room. She shrugged and was like “Men, amirite?”
The funny French family who loved my usual line of “I speak French like a trashcan.”
The guy who almost caused a 5 car accident coming into our parking lot who also had a yappy little dog of some sort with him and looked at me like I grew a second head when I handed him a pet policy.
Tour Bus driver who insisted I give her a walk in rate of under 200 dollars. Nope.
The really nice man who wanted to go get Starbucks for us. We didn’t want him to though because…
WHAT THE FUCK CITY OF PINEAPPLE? Y’all are ripping up the road in front of my hotel which okay cool but the trucks honking constantly and the closing of the lanes has some of these people who were throwing out 350 dollars a night kinda pissed off. I don’t know who decided one of the busiest weekends of the fall was the best time for this, but I’d like to mildly inconvenience them in some passive aggressive manner.
Too Long; Didn’t read: I hate Parents Weekend.