guest post · la la la lobby time · Uncategorized

I hate morning shifts

I hate working mornings part 208427:

Guest walks up to the desk.

Me: Good morning! How can I help you?

Guest: (drops keys and a general pile of paper garbage on my desk and starts to walk off)

Me: I guess you’re checking out then! WONDERFUL! I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

Guest: (turns around and looks at me and either waves or does the begone hand flip)



Morning shift fun continues. Had some dude walk up to the desk a few minutes ago and before I could even “Hi How Can I help you?!”


Now before I continue during the morning shift, this could be a vendor, this could be a guest, I have no idea.

Me: I’m sorry sir, what are you looking for a receipt for?

Guest: My room. Are you deaf?

Me: And what room were we staying in last night sir?

Guest: My room.

Me: Yes sir I understand that, but what was the number on YOUR room?

Guest: *shouts his last name at me*

I give up at this point, this bro is rude and clearly isn’t going to do anything I ask at this point so I go the long way around and figure out what room he was in without his help. I print his receipt out and hand him one to sign.

Guest: I’m not signing anything.

Me: Yes. You. Are. Please. Sign. This. And. I. Will. Give. You. A. Copy. For. Your. Records.

Guest: (cusses a bunch under his breath) scribbles something on a piece of paper and holds his hand out for the receipt that i give him.

Guest: I can’t believe I have to sign my name, you already know my name.

Me: Thank you bye bye now.


guest post · how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized


So hotel workers talk to each other and some times some of them are funnier than I am. This one took the cake.

For all you night auditors like me who just want some peace and quiet.

The check-ins are all processed,

No more credit cards left to sweep.

You should be cozy and warm in your beds by now.

Please go the fuck to sleep.


The windows are dark in the town, friend.

Even the local drunks have left without a peep.

I’ll get you some extra towels if you swear

You’ll go the fuck to sleep.


I understand you don’t have a reservation,

You’re on vacation for yet another week.

I know there’s not a better rate online. That’s Bullshit. Stop lying.

Pay for your fucking room, walk-in, and sleep.


The wind whispers softly through the town,

The stores have all closed on the street.

What’s that, you’re hungry RIGHT NOW?

Jesus Christ, it’s fucking 2am. Go to sleep.


All the day shift workers are in dreamland,

Their normal schedules make me weep,

Hell no, you can’t speak to a manager (yeah I know it’s daytime in China where you’re calling from).

You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.


The owls fly forth from the treetops.

Through the air, they soar and they sweep.

A hot crimson rage fills my heart, asshole.

I’m trying to watch Netflix, shut the fuck up and sleep.


The lobby is quiet and peaceful.

Or it would be, if the world was righteous and neat.

How come you can hike in the park for 8 hours today

But you can’t stay in your fucking room and sleep?


The automatic sprinklers gently putter

Watering the bushes in the courtyard the landscapers will reap.

No more questions, that shit is on our website.

Don’t call me again. Fucking sleep.


The auditor reclines in his shoddy chair,

A local homeless man digs through the trash like a creep.

Fuck you, your air conditioner works fine. There’s nothing to fix.

Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.


The flowers doze low in the meadows

And high on the mountains so steep.

My life is a failure, I hate myself and my job.

Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

Based on the children’s book of the same name by Adam Mansbach. Minor edits to fix rusty formatting issues.

This comes from Reddit User Pouncival_Gaming who is hilarious.