how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal · sold out! · Uncategorized

please close your mouth

Hotels are like a giant toilet line. If someone is using the toilet, you can’t have it. And I am sure as hell not going to go bother someone taking a shit so you can take a shit before they are done taking a shit

My response to someone on reddit implying we lie or negotiate early check ins.

Honestly go take a small walk off an even smaller pier.

If I have 99 rooms full of 99 people who want to use their room for the entirety of the time they paid for, that means I have 99 rooms full of people who would like to leave at noon.

You can not decide that those people need to evacuate their room before noon. If I tell you we were sold out the night before, guess what, we we re fucking sold out the night before and you’ll have to wait until 3 for your room. Sorry. It’s in the email we sent you that you didn’t read just like you won’t read the breakfast hours and pay attention to anything I showed you on the map because I’m making words that apparently you don’t understand.

Hotels don’t have a giant flush nozzle. I can’t do anything about the guest before you. They’ll  leave when they leave. If that’s 9am or next fucking Tuesday that’s when they’re leaving.

Also the measure of how full my parking lot  is? Yeah nothing to do with the people in my rooms.

HOTELS AREN’T PRISONS. People check in and they go do all sorts of things. How do I know? Because I tell them how the fuck to get there and what they’re going to eat and what sort wonderful fun shit they can see for free and they get in their cars and go do this shit. Or they go the fuck to work. It’s crazy how many business travelers there are. We don’t lock someone in the room. So if my parking lot is empty its because my guests are off having fun and doing shit that brought them to my city and prompted them to pay for a hotel room. Shut up we’re sold out, we don’t lie about this shit.

I can’t give you a discount or magic beans because you made your reservation from the parking lot without calling and think you should get an upgrade because we don’t look busy. It’s the middle of the day Richard, people are doing fun shit, you’re here early and we’re sold the fuck out. You’ll take this handicapped room and you’ll stay prisoner in there for the rest of your trip.

I open all week. Please someone kill me.



people on the phone · personal · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

jail time doesn’t mean you don’t get my time.

The other day I had a woman call me from Nevada asking about rates for a weekend she could come out and see her man who is locked up here. He was recently transferred from a facility in a place it was more economical to visit than here.

My heart instantly dropped for her because our room rates were ridiculous and none of the discounts I could give her other than my own personal one if I could even get that.

She gasped when I told her the price. I told her about a few hotels that she could most likely afford that are even closer to our big assed men’s prison. And we talked about how she was thinking of taking the Megabus to San Francisco which is 4 ½ hours away minimum and I told her about an airline that could fly her for the same price and she’d touch down 45 minutes south of where she’d want to be and be able to take public transport to town to save her some cash.

She finally stopped me and said “Sister you sound like you feel me. Girl is that why you being so cool with me? I’m not even staying with you!”

I said “Ma’am I’ve done some time myself and I understand going to jail is expensive and I feel you because some of my friends have been locked up in places I can’t get to, so if I can help I’ll help.”

She started laughing and said “You know what? You’ve been the most real person I’ve talked to today. I said prison to some other clerk and they hung up on me. My man got run up on a pot charge, It’s some shit I’ll tell you but he’s getting out next year and when he gets out I want you to plan my trip to pick him up. You’re real and you’re sweet and you know your shit.”

And I laughed and said I’d be honored and told her to write my name down and ask for me when she called again because I’d get her a better rate when the summer was over. And to let me call over to the cheaper hotel I thought of thats closer to the prison and let them know she’d be calling.

I gave her the same service I’d give anyone else that can’t afford my hotel, because I hope they’ll try us out in the off season. Also because people with locked up loved ones deserve the same love as a “regular guest.” Shit maybe they need more love than Mr Special Snowflake. Maybe human kindness should be what we do.

Sometimes I can be a super hero. I may not be a cop or a firefighter or a pop star, but I can just be kind and every so often really help someone out.

My girl V at the cheaper hotel across town really hooked this nice lady up. I couldn’t be more grateful.

ghost guest · personal · the ghost room · Uncategorized

ghost in the machine

So a friend of mine has been being courted by my last property for a front desk position and came to me to ask about what it’s like to work there. She currently works at an Upscale Flag of a Big Chain that pays like big shit and can’t keep a crew.

Anyway she let me know that yes my last property is going to close for awhile this year to do so some serious renovations, meaning they are also shedding the brand flag to go to strictly boutique and “hip” like I knew they were going to.

So I asked her if they told her about Ghost Guest and she said that on her second interview someone mentioned it. And mentioned that “my ghost” had been really really active lately. It’s no surprise to me as we’re getting closer to the anniversary of her check in, but if she’s locking doors and scaring guests  now, how in the hell do they think she’s gonna act during the remodel?

I guess some of her recent antics now include a mom telling someone that her toddler daughter insisted there was a lady in “fancy dwess” in their room in the middle of the night.

Y’all I never put kids up in that room for a reason, even when families wanted connectors. Just no man.

It’s nice to know that the Ghost Guest misses me I guess. I feel bad to have abandoned her.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · personal

today on the phone

So today the phone was providing me with so much entertainment I took it out into the parking lot and went office space on it with an empty paint can….

Okay I didn’t. But I did endure this.

I’ll be me and he’ll be Mr Barstow because clearly the drugs had kicked in…

Me: Thank you for calling Casa De Pineapple, This is (blah blah blah) How can I help you?

MrB: So I am on the (large interstate somewhere on the left coast) and I saw a billboard for the Dismays Inn and I wanted to know if you price match?

pause the large billboard he was passing is at least 3 hour away in another county and I already want to tell him the answer is no but my boss is standing next to me so I played nice.

Me: Well this isn’t a Dismays Inn but…


Me: Sir our going rate tonight is nearly 3 times that amount and we do not price match with hotels from other counties as the demand for tourism in the area you are currently in may not match up to ours. However I could give you an Old Guys R Us discount or something from the Auto Club if you have either of those?

MrB: No. What I want to know is does the Dismays Inn have to honor this hot deal no matter where I go?

Me: Sir I don’t think I can answer that as I do not work for the parent company of the Dismays Inn or any of their subsidiaries and I actually do not believe that the city of Pineapple has a property with that chain here, but I’d be glad to google that for you.

I google and find out that the company does own a Fauxmada in town but their rates aren’t in that 55 dollar range but lord is he welcome to try them instead of wasting my time.

Me: Sir it does appear that the Fauxmada is the same company as the Dismays Inn in Pineapple, so I would be happy to give you their number if you’d like. please bitches over at the Fauxmada, just take this man off my phone

MrB: That’d be swell lady. But I gotta ask you, because you sound like a girl who gets around… have you ever stayed there?

Me: No Mr. B. I live in this city and I have a home of my own.

MrB: Yeah but you sound like a girl who gets around so have you ever visited a friend staying there or something?

Me: I assure you I get nowhere. Would you like their number so you can find out what their company policy and rates are because I quite frankly do not work there and can not provide service for a hotel I do not work at.

MrB: I beeetttttt you can.

Me: This conversation is terminated. Goodbye

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · people on the phone · third party bookings · Uncategorized

my neck, my back, my shifts were back to back

So I did a turn around as a favor. I worked last night till 11 and came back at 7. Last night was an absolute shit show… things I got yelled at about included:

Hold music that comes on if I can’t get to the phone because I’m already on two lines.

*Something another hotel did to a guest. Like as in a hotel whom I’ve never worked for. *

Also I got dogged pretty hard in Spanish for not speaking Spanish. Oh honey I understand what you’re saying about La estúpida niña blanca Americana.

Room rates but that’s every day.


Credit card auths not working. That’s every day though.

Also I had an evening reception attendant drop an entire bottle of red wine and break it. My pants smelled like red wine and sadness by the time I finished helping her clean up so she could start reception on time. I ended up serving for her for awhile while she tried cleaning the wine out of her shirt and made sure the food she was carrying didn’t have glass in it.

I was picking glass out of my undershirt later.

My FDM of was annoyed because I was away from the desk during this but it was all hands on deck because a broken bottle is a big deal when housekeeping is already gone and the houseperson is out fighting whatever the hell is going on with toilets and tv’s and towels.

Anyway fast forward 8 hours later and I’m dragging my tired ass back to do it again, desperately wishing for a parrot to give breakfast directions to the guests who didn’t listen to me at all a few hours beforehand.

So everyone who’s done a turn around, already has heard the “do you live here” or “did you go home?” joke so we’ll fast forward to…

The special elite rewards member who shit the bed. He was very polite to let us know he had a “#2 bathroom issue” and might need us to strip the beds. Later he comes in and tells my partner and I that “I may have left something in the room but I’m not sure.” It took all I could to keep a straight face.  Like literally “no shit” in this situation.

Phones were stupid for most of the morning but my partner on today’s shift and I already decided if he’d do the accounting and gift cards and blocking arrivals, I’d check people out and answer the phone and sleep with my eyes open. It worked out.

God punch me in the face if I ever agree to a turn around again.

However I met a very nice Australian family who I ended up being to help out to get a room on the fly last night who thought we were “booming brilliant” and really enjoyed all the suggestions I gave them the night before for where to get a pint and food within falling distance of the hotel that they could also take their kids to. They thanked me so many times and really really loved their stay. I was able to help someone through a bunch of authorization problems with their stupid travel agency and the damn bank balanced on the first shot so it’s a win.

If you need me I’ll be in a coma until I get up to do it again tomorrow.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · the brotherhood of the keys · Uncategorized

happy birthday America aka WHAT IN THE ACTUAL EFF?

I knew today was going to be kind of a shit show. 4th of July is a neighboring town’s BIG DAMN DEAL and they have the most expensive fireworks show I’ve ever seen. But I wasn’t prepared for what I walked into at all….

We had a guest who checked in last night and after getting into their room wanted to extend, which no big deal except their card didn’t authorize for the second night and there was a note to get the guest to come down and provide payment for the room for the second night.

On top of a declining credit card, we also had a couple of complaints about them smoking in the room. Smoking pot to be exact.

So we sent the head housekeeper up after check out time to see if they were going to bring the card down. When they opened the door a CLOUD of smoke came out and it turned out there were about 7 people in a room with 2Q beds. And the woman who was the one on the check in started cursing out the housekeeper from the toilet…. Hmmm okay.

5 seconds later she’s calling down to the desk asking how to stay another night and being nice as pie about it to me so I tell her to just come down to the desk and present a new card and we’ll extend them no problem but we needed to talk about the smoking accusation.

When Americas Next Top Meth Head Model appeared I knew this shit was shady. She had that Meth look and started immediately talking about how she doesn’t smoke. She only smokes cigarettes (what?) and she had a baby in the room (what? the reservation was for 1 adult?) and my housekeeper was mean.

I restated I just needed an ID and a credit card from her and she started the song and dance about how it was in her room and really she had the money.

My GM was in the house and she’s super nice and gives people breaks all the time and was going to give this broad a break. It’s what we do I guess… So we’re giving a girl with two declining cards a chance to come up with the money for a second night and an auth to cover the smoking charge AND we even said we wouldn’t charge the smoking charge if it didn’t smell like smoke tomorrow. And she then sinned so hard that I literally almost died.

She looked me in the face and told me she worked at a Very Big Brand. I worked for that brand long enough to catch someone in a lie but this was an over the top lie.

I know for a fact VERY BIG BRANDS do not allow HUGE FUCKING NECK TATTOOS. I wear a scarf at Casa De Pineapple and miiiiiight be able to get away with it but seriously you can not work in a VBB with a neck tattoo.. Strike 1.

Strike 2… girl your shit is too broke to pay for your room. If you’re an employee of a VBB where the employee rate is fucking 69 dollars, why in the fuck am I even talking to you about the 400 and some change you need to pony up? Like I don’t know… if you’re really a VBB worker, it’d take four seconds to make a reservation as an employee and your total for two nights would be less than you currently owe us.

I mentioned it casually asking her which VBB it was and asking why she didn’t stay at the one here.

ANM: Well uhh I have a dog so…you know

So now we’re up to two declined credit cards, serious pot smell, maybe seven people in the room and an undeclared dog that you guessed it we didn’t have the pet fee for.

Oh and she’s a liar.

We gave her a few minutes still to get the money. Finally she came down and started to ask if she just left if we’d charge her for the extra night and the smoking charge. I would have, but my GM didn’t.

I’m sorry, but my ass that she’s an employee and doesn’t know how a fucking hotel works, and my entire ass that she didn’t smoke in that room and seriously, just go.

It wasn’t even check in time yet. What the fuck?

I am officially on vacation until Sunday. If my phone rings, it’s going in a lake.

how do you survive on your own · la la la lobby time · sold out! · Uncategorized

hey baby, it’s the 4th of july

Two for one tale tonight. Casa De Pineapple has been crazy interesting lately…

First part: One of my favorite bands checked into the hotel. If you can guess who it was, rad, I will not confirm or deny who they are but I already had tickets to see the show before I knew they were staying with us. At one point during their two night stay their (imagine some musical device here) player came down to the desk to ask me for some directions to a haunted abandoned tunnel they’d read about online and anything else cool we might have that I thought they’d be into.

So here I am being cool about it when my manager walks up and says “OH MY GOD ARE YOU IN (this band) WE ARE ALL SUCH BIG FANS. SHE’S GOING TO YOUR SHOW TONIGHT! How cool!”

I prayed for a hole to open below me and eat me alive. It was so embarrassing. Full disclosure, I used to work in the music industry and you’d have a hard time to get me star struck or to even acknowledge someone’s fame unless it seems like a thing they’d be into.

Luckily Band Member was very cool about it and seemed to understand that I was mortified.

Second part: We’re sold the fuck out. I had about three hours where the phone wouldn’t shut up. People kept calling for roll aways except they were in 2Q’s and no you can’t have one. At the end of the night some guy from my hometown came in and tried to get a room. He’ll be Valley Dude and I’ll be me.

Valley Dude: I need a room for 5 people

Me: Sir I regret to inform you we’re sold out this evening.

VD: But I drove all the way from (hometown) and I need a room for five people.

Me:Awww I know it’s super hot in (hometown) right now but I am sorry, we do not have any available rooms.

VD: You’re from there or something. What high school did you go to?

Me: I’m sorry sir, what?

VD: What high school did you graduate from?

seriously what the fuck, I don’t need to answer

Me: oh you know West Hometown High School.

VD:oh I want to Fuckerydoo-A-Palooza high. BUT MY FUCKING WIFE WENT TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL. Come on what’s a room cost?

Me: We simply don’t have any rooms.

VD: Yah but what would it cost if we had one.

Me: We don’t have rooms that would sleep five but if we had any rooms tonight they’d start at 300.

VD: That’s too expensive. Fuck you.

Me: Have a good night.

Three more days until Vacation